NYC_83 Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 (edited) Long time lurker, first post. Back story: We've been together 1.2 years, been broken up 1.5 months. I'm 29 she is 28. The breakup was initiated by her, I pleaded/reasoned only on the night of the break up but then stopped right after and accepted her choice. Although it wasn't mutual, it was as friendly and mature as these things can possibly be (no hateful words, no hard feelings etc). In fact she cried more than I did. It was due to a combination of things. We were thrown into a living situation too fast too soon. Her roommate bailed on her without warning, so instead of her being forced to sign a new year long lease and get a replacement roommate, we figured it would be easier for us to just a get place and move in together since things were so good (this was 7 months after we met). Right after we moved in, I had a strong bout of Seasonal Affective Disorder, so the depression didn't help. She started getting anxious and couldn't stand living with my cat (understandably, as it kept us up at night and made it difficult to relax during the day). We slowly but surely drifted apart. Things didn't get "too bad" per se, they just got stale and we stopped doing things we used to do, having talks like we used to etc. We essentially turned into best friends who still enjoyed each others' company very much, but the love was tarnished due to a stressful living situation, depression, complacency on both of our ends. The main reasoning was 'it doesn't feel like it used to.' We are both each others' third major relationship and both agreed we've never felt this love with anyone, ever before. The term soulmate was used by both of us, and we agreed that we could see us being married someday. All of the boxes were checked off, we're even both atheists and don't want kids. Same interests, taste in music, movies, sense of humor, types of activities...all there. We can talk about anything and everything, and laugh at things most people wouldn't find funny. It felt like we were in a movie or something. We've been in limited contact since the breakup. I only respond to her if she reaches out. It's a couple texts or emails per week, tops. This is the way we left off on the breakup; we agreed to leave the doors and lines of communication open. We also agreed that we'll have no guarantees or expectations, but if we gravitate towards each other in the future and are up for starting something new, we will neither fight nor force it (this was her idea). I told her point blank, don't tell me that unless you mean it, and she responded that since we were so happy before, she wouldn't rule out it happening again and she acknowledged that a perfect storm of stressful circumstances hitting at once really did some damage to us that we couldn't recover from, as opposed to us simply being incompatible. Our first hang out post breakup was 1 month after. She had mentioned in an email that it would be great to hang out, and I responded back with an actual time and place. She agreed very quickly after. Our first 'hangout' went amazingly well and felt like an old date. We met at an old favorite coffee shop and talked and laughed for the entire 2 hours we were there. After parting ways for the evening, I got a text message that same night saying it was great seeing me and we should hang again soon. I texted back the same. Two days later, I reached out for a second hang out as we agreed on. Again she responded and agreed rather quickly. I set it for a week after our first one. The second hang out went even better, we hung our for 3 hours and I swear it felt like we had stepped back into a time machine to our happiest times, which was the first 90% of our relationship (things went downhill just in our last 3 months before breakup). Old inside jokes, laughing at silly things we used to laugh out, talking about things we've been doing, making comments about how we both have made improvements etc...it was all there in full force. She even said I look so much better. After walking her home, we hugged rather tightly for several seconds and she said to text her when I'm home so she knows I'm safe. I attribute us getting on so well again due to being out of the stressful living situation we were mired in (I moved out 2 weeks after breakup), and us both making great improvements to what broke us. It's like taking the lid off a pressure cooker. Which brings me to the current state: our third hang out is this Friday (I've been keeping meetings to once per week, roughly). Obviously I'm having no issues getting hang outs with her (again, we agreed to leave door open and we're on great terms), but I'm starting to question if/when to keep 'playing it cool' as I have been or do I eventually ask her for a heart to heart on how she's feeling. We had a brief phone call recently and she agreed that our awesome dynamic from 'the old days' is back and we've been getting on so well. I'm aware of all the usual pitfalls we read about here...she could be friend-zoning me, easing her guilt, keeping me on a leash etc. These are always possibilities when staying friends with your ex. She is a very genuine and level headed person, so I am comfortable ruling out her hanging out with me based on any mindgames/manipulation. I just don't see it. I'd say keeping me as a friend simply because we mean a lot to each other and get along well would be the most likely, that is assuming she doesn't want to actually get back together. Since I'm playing it cool and keeping emotions in check, we haven't had a 'talk' yet. I keep it light, simple and fun. We are in that weird 'friends-teetering-on-lovers' limbo phase where we're just hanging out and seeing what happens. My dilemma is do I just keep doing what I'm doing and let her initiate a talk, or do I ask her for a 'sit down' to discuss how we're feeling about how our hang outs are going? I know most of the advice on here is to let the dumper do the work, but I still wanted to reach out for opinions. I don't believe in the advice of assuming everything is breadcrumbs unless they come running back saying "OMG IVE MADE A MISTAKE, TAKE ME BACK!!!" Who in their right mind would do that? An Ex running back in such a manner is no less freakish and off-putting than the dumpee pleading and crying. Yes, they can be breadcrumbs, but they may not be. After all, you need to start off of something and see where you are, what improvements have been made, how you feel hanging out now etc. You can't just expect someone to come running back out of the blue without being cautious and testing the waters. I would be very suspicious and untrusting if someone did that, as opposed to someone making a decision after spending time together and seeing how things feel. I don't want to be stuck in limbo forever (I'd like to get back together, but I will accept it if not), so I'm debating biting the bullet and having a calm and collected talk. If I do this, I may wait until after a few more meetings. But again I'm not exactly sure how to move forward. Any advice is appreciated! Edited May 13, 2013 by NYC_83
moneyneversleeps Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 do not talk about where this is going. I guess you need to treat her like a new girl again and awaken the passions first! Then you can sit down and have the talk. If you ask her too early, she will say nothing is going on. this will destroy your confidence and ruin your whole game and get you back to square one. 1
EnTT Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 He already said that she's admitted things are like the "old days" though.. Shouldn't that be a clear sign of awakening passions?
Author NYC_83 Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 Thanks, I think I'm going to keep it cool and not put any pressure on her. I was debating having a 'talk' after our 3rd meetup about how we can't expect to indefinitely hang out as friends like this without something happening, or not happening. But I think it's best to keep doing what I'm doing and keeping it as if we're meeting for the first time. If you wouldn't put pressure on a new girl after 3 hang outs, I believe it should be the same for an ex as well - especially since she initiated the break up. 2
EnTT Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Thanks, I think I'm going to keep it cool and not put any pressure on her. I was debating having a 'talk' after our 3rd meetup about how we can't expect to indefinitely hang out as friends like this without something happening, or not happening. But I think it's best to keep doing what I'm doing and keeping it as if we're meeting for the first time. If you wouldn't put pressure on a new girl after 3 hang outs, I believe it should be the same for an ex as well - especially since she initiated the break up. Well said. Good luck to you man! 1
Author NYC_83 Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 Well said. Good luck to you man! I'll keep you posted. Rather than getting blunt and having a serious talk, I plan to just go in for a kiss at the end of the night if things go well, and see what happens. Again - same deal as if we just met, I think we should let our body language to the talking rather than forcing a heavy conversation.
AlexfromBoston Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 NYC with all do respect, you're already losing the battle by dwelling on this "hang out". Regardless of what happened in the past, treat this date or "hang out" as if it was a fresh encounter. Don't be too apologetic and play it cool...keep your self worth elevated. you're a good guy right? Then she's lucky that YOU are affording HER this 3rd meet up...act accordingly.
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