Wife with disability?

[want2moveon]

Hello all,

 

My wife had ADHD, which can make her excessively rude and careless to others feelings. This has essentially ruined our marriage, and continues to be an enormous daily challenge. It wasn't until very recently that we pinpointed the root of our issues. For years I hadn't made the correlation between her behavior and the cause, and she had never thought to either. Now that we have a firmer understanding of the symptoms and a renewed second opinion from the medical field, it is a more manageable and concrete adversary.

 

For many years she assumed I was just wrong about my accusations of her 'not caring'. We had daily issues where she'd do something I felt was highly insensitive and I'd either bottle my frustration, or risk a fight by making her aware of it. Neither of us communicated or managed things very well, and I was unsympathetic to her condition. Being that ADHD is a learning disability, even in times when she'd be responsive and receptive, at times she may repeat the exact same offending behavior as little as 2 hours later. Without an understanding of her disability, this furthered my frustration immensely. She at times appeared like a truly evil monster. Her disability is also compounded by a very abusive and neglectful upbringing.

 

This unrelenting abuse has taken it's toll on my confidence and psyche over the years. I'm a very small shell of my former, big hearted self. Without the energy or willpower to fight this callous behavior day in and day out, I took to many bad habits to avoid the problem. I lost my will to live well and became very unhealthy. I no longer socialize much, have had a spotty job history, and have become very bitter and resentful of her and the world. I separated from her for nearly 2 years, and have recently moved back in to help manage the home and care for our son who suffers from her disability as well. I'm now sober, and facing it head on with a clearer view of a more tangible challenge. While she may have a disability, like any other disorder, it can be managed more effectively by being mindful of your actions and having the support of others. She's attempted to take medications, and they've hindered her progress more than helped.

 

I now sympathize to a degree with her disorder. While I feel she could have held a tighter reign on it for many years, I no longer think she was being intentionally cruel. I think for a large part, she was unaware of her insensitivity and the cause of my frustration. I now understand this is a part of her, and her childhood upbringing plays a large role in her detached emotional support for myself and my son. Nevertheless, it can beat down on your self worth. A good amount of mindfulness and accountability are needed on her part and mine to overcome this.

 

Any experience with ADHD or suggestions on how to manage it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Edited May 13, 2013 by want2moveon

[Deerhunter]

ADHD, bipolar, PTSD, etc. all seem to ruin relationships unless both are hell bent on trying everything to make it work. They either get so angry or depressed they are the ones that end up leaving. They usually will want to come back 6 mos to a year. This process will usually repeat itself.

The other half just can't take the abuse any longer (even though its the disorder talking) and end up leaving.

Communication is HUGE! If she's trying to get help and wants to work on things, then right now you can't lose. It may take several months, even a few years to get her meds working right. You have to ask yourself if you're willing to wait that long.

Counseling can get you two to communicate better. It can also bring out your old self.

[Mr. Lucky]

Any experience with ADHD or suggestions on how to manage it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

I have a son with ADHD, now in his mid 20's.

 

One huge challenge is that, even though it is a disability, it's an invisible one. It's not a brace on a leg, a white cane or physical abnormality. And so it's hard for other people - friends, neighbors, family members - to understand and put into context the challenges that a spouse or parent face in dealing with it every day. That becomes a double whammy - you're dealing with unpredictable and inappropriate behavior and often without the understanding and support of those around you.

 

Another difficult issue is that the disability manifests itself in so many different ways. Poor impulse control. Inappropriate behavior. Lack of understanding of social cues. The list is long and different for each person. And it may not even sound that bad to an outsider who's not subjected to the relentless pressure and negativity. It can be non-stop, all day, every day.

 

I have no magic bullet to offer you. What meds has she been prescribed? What effect did they have? There are a number of new scripts that don't leave the user feeling as outright drugged as the older stuff. Fine-tuning those may offer you an answer...

 

Mr. Lucky