grassisorisntgreener Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I have been married for 8 years. Unhappy for the last 5. We have two children. For the last 1.5 years I have been involved with a co-worker. I am in love with him, and I want to be with him. I can't seem to figure out how to get out of my marriage. My husband knows I am unhappy and is trying everything to make me happy. He is like a brother to me at this point, and I have no romantic feelings for him at all. He does not know about the affair. I often want to tell him, but I feel like it would break him and ruin him completely. I do care about him, just not as a partner, again, like a brother. There is so much more to the story, but I don't need to get into it. What I need to know is, has anyone on this board, or anyone know of anyone in their "real" lives, who divorced and left for another person and ended up happy?
SweetBella1 Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Is your lover married? Does he have kids? Not knowing all the specifics I'll say this. If you want out of your marriage it should have nothing to do with your lover. Don't leave a marriage simply for someone else, disaster is written all over that. If you're truly finished with the marriage, you need to leave because the marriage isn't working. Not for another man. Your H is trying hard to make it work with a W who's secretly in love with someone else. Seek marriage counseling to make an attempt for his & the kids' sakes. But if you go, go because the marriage is over on its own. That's my .02 cents. 3
Decorative Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 My sister in law is married to the man she was the OW, too. They began dating while his wife was pregnant with their first child. They have been married for 16 years. It is a volatile relationship, full of highs and lows. He has continued to cheat with other women, and has been fired a few times for sexual harassment. She is a functional alcoholic now. They have three children. So they are still together, for sure. Just not in a happy way. As for the grass is greener? It is greener where you choose to put your effort. New love and attraction is always far more sparkly than mature and deep love. If you feel that is what you aim for- the butterfly feeling of a new love, hen do your spouse a kindness. Tell him you have been cheating, and wish to divorce. He deserves the truth. And when everything is in the open, you can make better decisions. Right now- no matter what your spouse does to you, he cannot compete with the highs of the affair. It's called the contrast effect, in psychological terms. If you want to understand more of the psychology behind affairs- I suggest reading Shirley Glass' Not Just Friends, or Frank Pittman's Private Lies. Here's a link to a summary of Private Lies : http://psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity ( the article is older, but is frequently reviewed for accuracy) Good luck to you. Affairs are quite complicated, and usually indicate a problem in the coping skills of the wayward spouse. If you choose to leave your marriage- be quite sure you are leaving for yourself, and not for another relationship. psychotherapy to understand why you have chosen to handle your relationships this way will go a long way in ensuring future happiness for you, no matter what path you choose.
MissBee Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Since your thread title is "grass is greener?", my 2 cents are: Go to marriage counseling and see if your marriage is salvagable or not. An 8 yr relationship can get stale, even if it is not a bad relationship and a 1.5 year affair will most likely seem more exciting, because it is new, and people are blinded by that and have no idea about the real issues/problems they will face in this new relationship, but because it feels great now, they are blind to the fact that it may not always be this way. Just as when you just met your husband, think about what year 1.5 was for you. I doubt in year 1 you would ever think you'd be where you are now. Were you inlove and happy then? Chances are, 8 years from now, if you and your new bf are even still together, with your kids, bills, life, etc...you'll start to feel exactly the same about him, as most relationships simply aren't that exciting year 8 as they are in year 1. Some people do not understand this and once it wears off they get seduced by the feelings of new romance. But the grass is not always greener and they think somehow they will find one person where forever they will feel that way and if not, it is "wrong"...when that's not true. I don't know the details of your marriage. All you said is you aren't happy, but haven't said exactly what the problems are. In some marriages of course there are serious irreconcilable issues but for people who simply aren't "in love" or don't feel "romantic", I'm wary of that, as those feelings can always be recreated and it is so illogical to compare a secret affair of some months or a year to a marriage of more. All our relationships are different and in some cases I am sure maybe the people should have never married, but many times, it's simply that you just met this new person and it's still the honeymoon, whereas your spouse you've known for a while, and that is not a reason to divorce, because logically, this new person will eventually not be new anymore. I suggest you go to MC to really work out why you feel unhappy and see if it is because your marriage truly needs to end or is it because you indeed are looking for a mythical greener grass because the romantic high has worn off. 2
Author grassisorisntgreener Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 The other man is not married. He wants a relationship with me. He doesn't pressure me to leave, but it is clear that it would make him very happy if we could be together. We are always planning for the future. God that sounds so horrible to write down. Here is my thought process, and I realize it's completely messed up. I want to be with the other man, more than anything. I honestly feel like he makes me a better person. I like myself with I am with him. I feel like he fits into my life and could be a positive influence for my children, and I like the idea of having children with him. If he was out of the picture, didn't want to be with me anymore, I would still not have feelings for my husband. That ship has sailed. I care about him and I want him to be happy, but romantically, I am done there. I have tried so hard to "fake it" and hope that my efforts lead to me rekindling what we once had, but it never works. If the other man cut it off, I feel like I would stay with my husband based on the fact that I would be able to see my children every day. The thought of sharing them and not having them 50% of the time kills me. If I can't be with the other man, I will be miserable, and it won't make me fall back in love with my husband, but I could be civil and friendly, and also get to have my children. I realize I am so selfish. I get it.
Decorative Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Gently, your children will not see him as a positive influence. At least not anywhere close to now. They will see him as a factor in the breakup of their family unit. Especially if your husband is a kind man who has been good to you in your marriage. He has also helped you compromise your values and morals. That does not make you a better person. He has helped you lessen your character. You can make choices from this point forward that help rehabilitate your character, but this man and your relationship are not positives for your children. 3
MissBee Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 If you will only stay married if you can't be with the OM...I don't think that's a good idea. No relationship is a guarantee. You or he could end up having problems down the road where you decide to break up with each other....then what? At least if you didn't leave "for" him, it will be less of a blow. I think you should go to MC personally. But trying to have everything will only work for so long. 2
Author grassisorisntgreener Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 99% of affair partners make plans for the future. It is part of the affair dynamic. Quite often the plans are somewhat goofy and unrealistic, but they work within the affair. That is why you are having an affair. The reason for your lack of happiness is not your H. The cause of your unhappiness is YOU! No one can make you happy 24/7. Not your H or OM. At some point OM will also fail his mission to make you happy. This line is a classic for someone seeking external validation and happiness. This will not work. You need to be a better person on your own. Seeking OM and external validation to be better will not work. You need to be intrinsically happy. The classics keep on coming. Your kids have a dad and they will not be happy with your plans of replacing the dad. Think of your kids, don't be so selfish. Your OM wants to father your kids because he is acting like an idiot in the affair. He is not the father of your kids. And yet you stay and keep the affair a secret. Do you see the contradictions? You are not selfish, you are simply acting like a drug addict. And drug addicts have little control. Drug addicts steal money from their parents if they have to. That is exactly how I feel...like an addict. And I'm not strong enough to end either relationship. I feel so stuck. I feel horrible and sad all of the time. I feel like I have ruined the OM by making promises about being together that I'm not sure I can keep. Just because I want something, doesn't mean I get to have it. I have also made my H miserable by being so non-existant. I hate myself. And yet...I don't do anything about it.
waterwoman Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Oh dear To get what you want you are going to have to hurt your H. Sorry, no way around it. But I bet if you looked deep inside his heart he isn't any happier with things as they are either. You are in a better place than many MW on here in that he isn't married - so only one relationship to dissolve. If you and your H are good friends it might be a good basis for a co-parenting relationship to make the future as seamless and painless as possible for your kids. I'll let you into a secret...as a BS my biggest fear after dday and the first few months of reconciliation was that H was 'faking it', that he didn't really care and that he wanted OW. It was a horrible, undermining, nauseating feeling that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Your H isn't your worst enemy - don't do it to him. Let him go. Then take it slow with OM. 1
chaser0195 Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 The other man is not married. He wants a relationship with me. He doesn't pressure me to leave, but it is clear that it would make him very happy if we could be together. We are always planning for the future. God that sounds so horrible to write down. Here is my thought process, and I realize it's completely messed up. I want to be with the other man, more than anything. I honestly feel like he makes me a better person. I like myself with I am with him. I feel like he fits into my life and could be a positive influence for my children, and I like the idea of having children with him. If he was out of the picture, didn't want to be with me anymore, I would still not have feelings for my husband. That ship has sailed. I care about him and I want him to be happy, but romantically, I am done there. I have tried so hard to "fake it" and hope that my efforts lead to me rekindling what we once had, but it never works. If the other man cut it off, I feel like I would stay with my husband based on the fact that I would be able to see my children every day. The thought of sharing them and not having them 50% of the time kills me. If I can't be with the other man, I will be miserable, and it won't make me fall back in love with my husband, but I could be civil and friendly, and also get to have my children. I realize I am so selfish. I get it. Even if you divorce your husband for the OM you will only get your kids 50% of the time. How will being with the new guy make this more tolerable?
threelaurels Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 What I need to know is, has anyone on this board, or anyone know of anyone in their "real" lives, who divorced and left for another person and ended up happy? No. My sister's ex-husband left her for another woman then came crawling back to her. He later cheated on her again with the same woman. I don't know if he's still with the OW or not, but he hardly ever gets to see kids and works a menial job. If he was truly happy with the OW, I don't think he would have gone back to my sister the first time. I feel like he fits into my life and could be a positive influence for my children, and I like the idea of having children with him. Divorce can be traumatic for children. If your children ever find out about the affair, chances are good that they will hate the OM for breaking up their parents marriage and for hurting their family. It is generally recommended that you wait one year after divorce before introducing children to a new partner.
underwater2010 Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 There are a few stories I have heard about Happy Ever Afters, but they are rare. You say it would kill you not to see your kids everyday. Guess what, if you leave that is exactly what will happen. Also, you do not know how your AP is going to react to your kids. Right now you don't have the burdens you do in your marriage, with your AP. Maybe you should sit down and write a list of positive and negatives, it might just help you decide. 2
Summer Breeze Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I have been married for 8 years. Unhappy for the last 5. We have two children. For the last 1.5 years I have been involved with a co-worker. I am in love with him, and I want to be with him. I can't seem to figure out how to get out of my marriage. My husband knows I am unhappy and is trying everything to make me happy. He is like a brother to me at this point, and I have no romantic feelings for him at all. He does not know about the affair. I often want to tell him, but I feel like it would break him and ruin him completely. I do care about him, just not as a partner, again, like a brother. There is so much more to the story, but I don't need to get into it. What I need to know is, has anyone on this board, or anyone know of anyone in their "real" lives, who divorced and left for another person and ended up happy? Yes I actually know quite a few who are happy. I know quite a few who aren't. One thing to remember is it lots of Rs don't work. Once I sat and figured out a rough number of men I'd dated and of them I married 1. The rest were good guys but they weren't the right good guys. You may leave your H and a few months down the road you and/or OM may decide it's not going to work out between you. It happens. You leaving a M and having an xH and kids to deal with might change things for him. I was a stepmom when I was M and it was a really hard adjustment. Lots of things change and most Rs don't turn into something everlasting. Because it's an A doesn't mean it's more or less apt to fall apart in my mind. It depends on how you guys work toward making it work. The first thing is for you to leave because of you and not the pair of you. 3
Owl Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Here's my thought. You came here already knowing what to do. It's all over your posts...you know what to do, you just have come up with all these excuses not to do it. You claim you can't...the reality is, you can, you simply have chosen to avoid facing responsibility for your actions. So...put on your big girl clothes, step up, and do what you have to do. Today. Right now. Stop making excuses, and start making things happen. 1
Author grassisorisntgreener Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 I believe OP should leave her H right away. This would be a very kind act. The H could then find a women that is not prone to affairs. The issue is that OP is an insecure person and cannot make the decision. Perhaps she suspects the relationship with OM will fail. And rightly so. I suspect OP never had a truly successful relationship. So this is quite a dilemma for OP. However, in the mean she is keeping the H in the dark. I believe H needs to be single so he can find a more compatible woman. But, OP is thinking: "What if I am making a huge mistake and OM is a loser." That actually isn't the case at all. Perhaps the insecurity issue, but not the relationship parts. I could list a hundred reasons my marriage has failed, but it seems ridiculous to sit here and list the ways my husband let me down time after time, because really, I cheated, so in his eyes, and probably most of yours, no matter what he has done or hasn't done, I cheated, I am wrong, I am ruining the marriage. I can't type out reasons I feel justified in cheating, because I think it's wrong, I'm not dellusional about that... but it's done now and I think I could be happier elsewhere. I wanted to know if anyone knew of instances that it worked out, that was it.
secretlady76 Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 My suggestion is this. You need to try and salvage the marriage before making the decision to seperate. You need to finish with the OM, take time to grieve over this relationship and then try 100% into your marriage. Go to MC and IC. Try everything. If after all this you decide it isn't going to work then you need to get a divorce and at least then you will know you have tried everything to make it work before walking away. Also, you may find that access to your children will be managed much easier if you separate this way, not because you went off with someone else. If you separate because of someoone else then your spouse will probably make it difficult for you to have access to you children. Please bear in mind that you have to leave a marriage because it is no longer working for you. Not because you have met someone else. And whilst OM is still on the scenes it will be impossible to judge it all with a clear mind. I know you probably don't want to finish with him, but it is the only way. If it's meant to be then you will find eachother again. If it's not meant to be then you won't. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 (edited) I understand your situation... What's probably killing you is that you do have a "family" and your husband isnt an a-hole. So the feelings of guilt are keeping you from walking that hard road. So, for now, you have all of your needs met. You have the exciting guy meeting your intimacy/sexual needs while the H is home like an old Labrador Retriever..Solid, stable...etc. What the others have said is true.. The lustre WILL wear off the new guy. He still might shine brighter than the H. My advice is to weigh the options carefully. I am not in the camp of "just leave"...Some people can do it but most need some real soul searching and TIME to do it the right way. Just "running off" with the AP isnt a good idea... I wont criticize you for seeking "external validation" or some other BS. Frankly, its completely NORMAL to want to be loved and desired. Its NOT a character flaw and while the EMA is wrong, its sometimes how people deal with a M that is dead in the areas of sex/intimacy. I feel for you. If your H is a good guy and you think there is any hope, you may want to consider trying to keep it together. It might not be possible..An AP is like a new car..They drive nice, smell good, are all shiny and new. But once your kid throws up on the carpet and you have a few dings in the sheetmetal..Its the "same old same old"... I wish you well... TFY Edited May 13, 2013 by thefooloftheyear
Author grassisorisntgreener Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 The last several comments were great, thank you! I needed to hear that. As for the love quiz, that doesn't apply to me at all. If my H found out, and my OM bailed all on the same day, I wouldn't be out looking for love. I wasn't looking for love when I met OM...it was actually the very LAST thing I wanted at that time. Perhaps I am coming across as flaky... that really isn't who I am at all.
Author grassisorisntgreener Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 Sorry, I was replying to another poster. So what has your H done to turn you off? Did you love him when you got married? Or you simply don't love him, no matter what? What are you looking for in your relationship with OM? I was absolutely in love with my husband when we got married. He was my soul mate. And he isn't a bad person. He can be an ass, but in general, as far as guys go, he is a good one, to me at least. Unfortunetly, he is very, very selfish. The best way I can describe our relationship is that when we first started, he had the upper hand, I would have done anything and everything for his approval. All I wanted was for him to think I was amazing and the perfect wife. Picture a teeter totter (spelling?)... he was up, I was down..then gradually, he widdled me away. His selfishness and putting everything above me and the kids just wore me down. I compare it to a bar of soap that sits at the bottom of the tub... no huge chunks have been taken out, but little by little he wore me down. I got tired of asking him to do things with us, only to hear an excuse. I got tired of doing everything alone. I should have spoken up sooner. When I finally told him how I felt, I was already done, and now he is trying. The problem is, I fell in love with someone else, and now the sight of my husband disgusts me. So now the teeter totter is in the opposite direction. I'm on top, but yet miserable..but I have the upper hand. Which you would think would be empowering, but it's not. It's scary. I don't want to hurt him. I don't. I sometimes wish he would just hate me so that he didn't try so hard to be so great all the time. He is everything I wanted him to be..but it's too late. The OM just happens to be everything I ever wanted in someone. Put in my path when I was vunerable and I latched on. I know there are so many posts that say it can't lead to anything because of the way the relationship started, and on the outside I can see how that would seem true...but living it, it seems so false and I feel like he is who I am supposed to be with. (I know..that is probably what everyone says)... I am not really looking for validation, I'm not... I just feel like I'm stuck. Living day to day, going through the motions wondering what the hell I'm going to do...
thefooloftheyear Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I was absolutely in love with my husband when we got married. He was my soul mate. And he isn't a bad person. He can be an ass, but in general, as far as guys go, he is a good one, to me at least. Unfortunetly, he is very, very selfish. The best way I can describe our relationship is that when we first started, he had the upper hand, I would have done anything and everything for his approval. All I wanted was for him to think I was amazing and the perfect wife. Picture a teeter totter (spelling?)... he was up, I was down..then gradually, he widdled me away. His selfishness and putting everything above me and the kids just wore me down. I compare it to a bar of soap that sits at the bottom of the tub... no huge chunks have been taken out, but little by little he wore me down. I got tired of asking him to do things with us, only to hear an excuse. I got tired of doing everything alone. I should have spoken up sooner. When I finally told him how I felt, I was already done, and now he is trying. The problem is, I fell in love with someone else, and now the sight of my husband disgusts me. So now the teeter totter is in the opposite direction. I'm on top, but yet miserable..but I have the upper hand. Which you would think would be empowering, but it's not. It's scary. I don't want to hurt him. I don't. I sometimes wish he would just hate me so that he didn't try so hard to be so great all the time. He is everything I wanted him to be..but it's too late. The OM just happens to be everything I ever wanted in someone. Put in my path when I was vunerable and I latched on. I know there are so many posts that say it can't lead to anything because of the way the relationship started, and on the outside I can see how that would seem true...but living it, it seems so false and I feel like he is who I am supposed to be with. (I know..that is probably what everyone says)... I am not really looking for validation, I'm not... I just feel like I'm stuck. Living day to day, going through the motions wondering what the hell I'm going to do... Its understandable...Its like you drove the Ferrari and now the old Ford doesnt look that hot...I just think you need to think about it very carefully...It easily might be your out and this had to happen to get you to finally make your move. Just make sure you dont unfairly compare the two. You also need to realize that many times even if you do leave, there is NO guarantee that the OM is going to stay around. So if you are doing it, just think about that as well. Just like any other R, you might find that he is the greatest thing to ever happen to you and he might have even promised you the moon and the stars but the reality is he can flake out on you and leave you holding the bag -right when you are heading out of your marriage. Its even more likely if he meets some other woman that doesnt have any baggage-he'll consiuider that .. Just take a look at all the crying going on in the Breakup section...It can just as easily happen to you...Its fine to want-just dont put all eggs in that basket or go into it thinking that its for HIM and only him. TFY 1
Owl Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 That actually isn't the case at all. Perhaps the insecurity issue, but not the relationship parts. I could list a hundred reasons my marriage has failed, but it seems ridiculous to sit here and list the ways my husband let me down time after time, because really, I cheated, so in his eyes, and probably most of yours, no matter what he has done or hasn't done, I cheated, I am wrong, I am ruining the marriage. I can't type out reasons I feel justified in cheating, because I think it's wrong, I'm not dellusional about that... but it's done now and I think I could be happier elsewhere. I wanted to know if anyone knew of instances that it worked out, that was it. Again, in light of this... ...you know what to do. Done. Have there been instances where affairs have worked into good relationships? Yep. Have there been instances where they failed to mature into a long term good relationship? Yep. Which will it be for you? No one can guess. Regardless of how your AFFAIR relationship may turn out or not, you've already listed that you have all these reasons why your marriage should end. So...why not focus on that right now? That has to happen if you want to expand your affair relationship...and frankly from the way you talk, it needs to happen regardless. So...why not start taking action along those lines right now??? 3
Author grassisorisntgreener Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 Your H depleted the love you felt for him. And as you said, now you cannot love your H because your heart is with OM. That is quite natural. I am enthralled by your aim to please posture. You wanted to be accepted and recognized. This may sound hard to believe, but your OM is probably quite flawed. A healthy normal man does not seek a married woman as a mate. OM has some issues of his own. The problem is that single women do not bat the eyelashes like MOWs do. You are doing a very risky thing and may end up much worse that where you are now. Furthermore, if you truly loved your H in the past you could easily fall in love with him again if H learned how to meet your needs. Your H screwed up by not meeting your emotional needs. If H could learn how to do that that could be a much safer path. The hard part is breaking up with OM. You probably will not be able to break up with OM because it is an addiction. You are caught between a rock and a hard place. I agree with everything you are saying. In the OM's defense..I pursued him. It's why I feel like I ruined him. I have. He actually was a good person who got mixed up in my mess. I know it was still ultimately his decision..but I don't think neither of us expected this. I am a people pleaser...that is exactly true.
Act Two Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I was in a very similar situation that you are in, and it went on for years. It is definitely a hell, but one of our own making! I was in limbo for ever. It was more difficult to end a bad marriage though when I had needs being met from the OM and my husband, and was able to at least keep the family in tact. My exOM was also single and that put a lot of pressure on me to be with him. Meanwhile, getting out of the marriage was sticky, to say the least. I was stringing along the OM and being pretty rotten to STBX. It was all around a terrible situation. I agree with the other posters- you just can't end your marriage for another man. Cut it off with the OM and let your husband know how unhappy you are. If you are 100% sure you don't want to put any work into your marriage, you are going to have to accept being a 50/50 parent. One thing I realized is that I was not as good of a mother as I thought I was while in the affair even though I had them all of the time. Now I have my kids 50/50 and it's hard but they have 100% of my time, love, and attention when I have them. My STBX and I are co-parenting pretty well right now. I totally understand your dilemma. I was there. It's just going to cause more and more destruction for everyone involved the longer you let it go on like this.
Author grassisorisntgreener Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 I was in a very similar situation that you are in, and it went on for years. It is definitely a hell, but one of our own making! I was in limbo for ever. It was more difficult to end a bad marriage though when I had needs being met from the OM and my husband, and was able to at least keep the family in tact. My exOM was also single and that put a lot of pressure on me to be with him. Meanwhile, getting out of the marriage was sticky, to say the least. I was stringing along the OM and being pretty rotten to STBX. It was all around a terrible situation. I agree with the other posters- you just can't end your marriage for another man. Cut it off with the OM and let your husband know how unhappy you are. If you are 100% sure you don't want to put any work into your marriage, you are going to have to accept being a 50/50 parent. One thing I realized is that I was not as good of a mother as I thought I was while in the affair even though I had them all of the time. Now I have my kids 50/50 and it's hard but they have 100% of my time, love, and attention when I have them. My STBX and I are co-parenting pretty well right now. I totally understand your dilemma. I was there. It's just going to cause more and more destruction for everyone involved the longer you let it go on like this. So what happened after that? Are you with the OM?
Act Two Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 So what happened after that? Are you with the OM? I came here about a year ago in the same spot you are, after many attempts to end things with the OM. It pushed me over the edge into realizing that I had to end things- I was really drowning in guilt. I got into IC. Unfortunately, my marriage didn't work out either. I have to say though I think I couldn't commit all of the way to OM, because although at the time I thought I really loved him, there were some red flags there as well and I didn't want to be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. Not so healthy. I'm actually in a better place now though then I was- starting a new job, getting my head on straight and focusing on my kids. I really hope things work out for you and that you get off the fence either way- it sucks up there!
Recommended Posts