Author fray5 Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 Awe, shucks! Back to OP, I think you correctly diagnosed yourself when you use the words anxious, or anxiety. There are all level of mixed depression/anxiety. The best defense is a good support system, and it sounds like you have one in your GF, your family, and hers. Use it to your advantage. Do not be afraid to express your fears and concerns. Maybe a course of medication will help, maybe not. I mentioned exercise simply because, having been in a situation that stresses me, with thoughts bombarding my every waking moment (and sleep, as well), there is nothing better to temporarily escape it than a thirty mile bike ride or a serious workout at the gym. Note I said temporarily. But it does clear your head. I was never a runner, couldn't run to save my life, but was always in search of the "runner's high". Might help you to get back into it, not to mention it's good for your overall health anyway. Lifting is great, but doesn't usually get your heart rate high enough for the amount of time to be considered a cardiovascular workout. I can't explain the intrusive thoughts you're having about your ex, but I understand. Life is nothing but a never ending stream of "what ifs?" You have to get past that and focus on the future, but the speed at which that is coming at you is too much. I wouldn't do anything so radical as to break things off with your GF, but would she be shocked if you needed a break? With the understanding, of course, that she has done nothing wrong (other than the warp speed talk of rings, marriage, children, of which you were a willing participant). Somehow you have to get over the guilt of your last relationship and BELIEVE that YES, you CAN find someone this soon who is meant for you. Some people never find it at all, maybe you just hit a lottery. Do you believe in luck, fate, pre destiny, any way you want to put it? I forgot, are you seeing any kind of therapist? Because you need to talk, talk, talk! And not bear this burden alone. Eat right, get good sleep, exercise and meds (if necessary). A good psychologist or relationship counselor might be in order. Would your GF be willing to go with you? Wow, first off, thanks for the awesome post! With regards to exercise, one thing is I noticed that ever since last summer I've lost touch with it- like all interest. I used to feel good about going and doing it and lost the ability too for some reason... I assumed I was burned out. The same with lifting weights, did it but not with the same attitude. I even lost interest in my job and somehow convinced myself I'd move to where my ex was even tho that was a horrible idea. I never really have been able to put things together, but I think I may be onto something. During my ex relationship, I had a health problem that worried me sick and I began crying about it, worrying I was permanently messed up. I continually read about it on the Internet and felt I might not ever get better. This all came at the decline of my relationship and I felt as if I clung onto her bc of these problems even though all she did was make things worse. Had I not had that stuff happen, I probably would've never stayed with her as long as I did. The reason I'm mentioning this is bc I think at the time of the health problems, I became depressed. Ever since then I constantly worried about that problem and felt doomed, even up to when I met my current gf I was worrying. I didn't enjoy the things I usually did anymore and everything felt like a chore. I didn't realize I was so badly depressed, but now I'm thinking i have been all along. It's like I lost the ability to see the good in things. It was just bad timing I had an ex gf who was completely wrong for me at the time to make things worse. I felt like I lost some dignity, to be honest. Anyways, I'm wondering if my depression from the health problems I associate with her and the start of my depression. Because honestly, the last time I remember feeling normal and happy was before the health stuff. It's like with my current girlfriend I try to find problems when there aren't any, she's honestly so amazing but I feel this sort of block in my heart. It eases when I'm with her a lot of the time and I think it's the depression and fear of getting hurt. Also, things have moved very fast, especially for my state of mind. I have talked with her about this and she told me she loves me no matter what, to take care of myself and not worry about her. I told her I meant everything I said to her about the future but I need to get myself better and to do so we need to slow things down and enjoy our time together without all that pressure. One thing I'm going to do is try to be more open to lean on her in this tough time and hopefully that will build something that will break down the block I feel in my heart and build something I've never had. It's a lot to put on her but she said she wants to be there for me and not to hide anything. I guess if it's meant to be it'll work out, and I'll just count on that. Hopefully the thoughts of my ex are just associated with the depression and thatll subside with time. I feel way more relaxed and able to think, so maybe that is the antidepressant taking some effect. It's nice to be a little more calm for once although I feel a little zombiefied. Sorry for the long post but hopefully you can share some insight on it all. Do I sound like I'm making sense? And again, thanks so much for helping me through this stuff, I really can't express my appreciation.
MidwestUSA Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 First, you're welcome! I have a whole lot I'd like to say, based on all this new info, but just don't have time today. Cuz when I write, I want it to be concise and grammatically correct! That's my stupid obsessive, anal, type A personality, LOL! I will tell you that you do have an incredible amount of insight regarding your problem, and that's going to help you more than you know. There are so many things you wrote and have been thru that I can relate to. Many of the things you mention - the lack of interest in activities, everything seeming like a chore rather than fun, are indeed indicative of depression. With that, the obsessive thinking kicks in - not seeing the good in anything, thinking the worst of every situation. Being told you are loved and that you need to take care of yourself first, well, your GF sounds awesome. Feeling better when you're around her - all good signs! Happy to hear you're feeling somewhat better; if I recall, the "zombiefied" state gets better as you adjust to the med, give it time. I'll try to organize my thoughts and write a novel tomorrow. Stay strong!
Author fray5 Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 First, you're welcome! I have a whole lot I'd like to say, based on all this new info, but just don't have time today. Cuz when I write, I want it to be concise and grammatically correct! That's my stupid obsessive, anal, type A personality, LOL! I will tell you that you do have an incredible amount of insight regarding your problem, and that's going to help you more than you know. There are so many things you wrote and have been thru that I can relate to. Many of the things you mention - the lack of interest in activities, everything seeming like a chore rather than fun, are indeed indicative of depression. With that, the obsessive thinking kicks in - not seeing the good in anything, thinking the worst of every situation. Being told you are loved and that you need to take care of yourself first, well, your GF sounds awesome. Feeling better when you're around her - all good signs! Happy to hear you're feeling somewhat better; if I recall, the "zombiefied" state gets better as you adjust to the med, give it time. I'll try to organize my thoughts and write a novel tomorrow. Stay strong! It's nice to hear that you can relate to the same issues I'm facing. It's just things get so hopeless sometimes and it kills me bc I have all this goodness in front of me. My girlfriend is great indeed which in a way makes me feel even more guilty and comforted in a way too. It's just wish I could get over the thoughts of my ex. It's like when she pops into my head I freak out and feel guilty. Then, when I try getting rid of the thought, it goes from one thing to another and to thinking about things that happened in that relationship. Would you attribute that to the depression? I've also been really paranoid about accidentally calling my current gf by my ex's name bc they sound alike. I just remember early on in the relationship worrying I was too "damaged" by my ex in my last relationship to be in another and it'd be a rebound. I think this thought has become stuck in my head and that could be another reason for the anxiety. Does this sound possible or can you suggest anything from it?
SmilesnFrowns Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 I think it's very important to realize that it's completely normal to get emotionally overloaded and need some time to get rid of tension. The problem here is that you feel guilty for having these emotions and the impulse to slow down, which then leads to over-compensation and more feelings of being over-whelmed. Some people can spend several months all day, every day with their significant other. Others need time to process their feelings and that's okay too. Your girlfriend seems amazing! You see that and understandably, do not want to lose her. This sudden rush of love has not been given a chance to sink in properly, and your emotional faculty is short-circuiting. Have you taken some time off for yourself recently? Time to relax and do things you enjoy, without having to constantly express yourself? Seems to be a classic case of jangled nerves.
Author fray5 Posted May 17, 2013 Author Posted May 17, 2013 I think it's very important to realize that it's completely normal to get emotionally overloaded and need some time to get rid of tension. The problem here is that you feel guilty for having these emotions and the impulse to slow down, which then leads to over-compensation and more feelings of being over-whelmed. Some people can spend several months all day, every day with their significant other. Others need time to process their feelings and that's okay too. Your girlfriend seems amazing! You see that and understandably, do not want to lose her. This sudden rush of love has not been given a chance to sink in properly, and your emotional faculty is short-circuiting. Have you taken some time off for yourself recently? Time to relax and do things you enjoy, without having to constantly express yourself? Seems to be a classic case of jangled nerves. Do you think this emotional overload is also what could be bringing up thoughts of my ex? I thought the same thing in a different sort of way. And to answer your question, I haven't really had a whole lot of time away from her to sort my feelings out. I went out of town for a couple days but all I could do was think about the relationship and feel overwhelmed like I need to escape to get my head straight. However leaving her is the last thing I want to do and I want her very badly. In the moments of clarity I've had it's been so awesome. I'm also taking this antidepressant so maybe that's still leveling out and causing my overwhelmed/confused thoughts as well
salparadise Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 It's just things get so hopeless sometimes and it kills me bc I have all this goodness in front of me. Hopelessness is a symptom of depression. It's just wish I could get over the thoughts of my ex. It's like when she pops into my head I freak out and feel guilty. Then, when I try getting rid of the thought, it goes from one thing to another and to thinking about things that happened in that relationship. Would you attribute that to the depression? [...] I just remember early on in the relationship worrying I was too "damaged" by my ex in my last relationship to be in another and it'd be a rebound. I think this thought has become stuck in my head and that could be another reason for the anxiety. Does this sound possible or can you suggest anything from it? You haven't said what it was about the previous relationship that caused you to feel damaged, but it's possible that you have some post-traumatic stress issues if it was abusive. We tend to hold onto memories of painful experiences more so than positive or neutral ones. There is no reason to believe this is directly related to depression, although a predisposition to dwell on the past, regrets, pain can be, so can't say definitively that it's not. You said you were out of that relationship for three months prior, and now have been with your current gf for six months. So it's now nine months hence. That seems like enough time to process it and move on. The timing is different for everyone. Three months may have been a slightly sooner than optimal but it doesn't seem out of line. Also, accept that it's perfectly normal for the previous gf to pop into your thoughts occasionally even after a few years. That's just how our minds work. It's not like you start dating a new person and completely forget about past experiences. Our experiences become part of who we are. The difference is if you're obsessing on the previous gf, or if a random thought of her triggers a strong emotional response. If the thoughts just float through occasionally and you're remaining neutral, then just make a decision to quit worrying about it, understanding that you will think of her less as more time passes. I'm betting that since you said she damaged your self-esteem, the recurring thoughts are post-traumatic reactions. Regardless, separate the past from the present, and try to live in the present. The past happened but it exists only as memories, and you can change how you think and feel about them.
SmilesnFrowns Posted May 17, 2013 Posted May 17, 2013 Do you think this emotional overload is also what could be bringing up thoughts of my ex? I thought the same thing in a different sort of way. And to answer your question, I haven't really had a whole lot of time away from her to sort my feelings out. I went out of town for a couple days but all I could do was think about the relationship and feel overwhelmed like I need to escape to get my head straight. However leaving her is the last thing I want to do and I want her very badly. In the moments of clarity I've had it's been so awesome. I'm also taking this antidepressant so maybe that's still leveling out and causing my overwhelmed/confused thoughts as well I think the emotional overload is bringing up a "fight or flee" reaction, which might be the reason why you have thoughts of your ex. Safe to say, experiences with exes have affected you badly, so it might be a good idea to acknowledge it and heal. The fact that you know you want her makes things a whole lot easier. That's your focal point. Being with her is something you're certain about, so why the rush? You've been together for 6 months, would it be too long of a stretch to do the classic 2 year dating thing before committing? I imagine that'd be enough time to sort out your anxiety while being a loving, happy boyfriend? You need a holiday, by the way. A guilt-free one. Explain to your lady that you need to recharge, and get some much-needed perspective. It's important to maintain a sense of self, even as you become a part of someone else's life, and she, yours.
ja123 Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 OP, you seem very self-aware and you're going to get through this! It sounds like the anxiety is causing some OCD, and those intrusive thoughts are disturbing and cause even more anxiety. But, they're just thoughts. It's OK. Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy techniques can help with this. A good book is "Feeling Good" by David Burns. I also heard of Claire Weekes mentioned before. There are also some good forums for anxiety and / or depression. You're not alone! Plus you're in a relatively new relationship which is getting serious. That's great, but scary for anyone. You're bound to feel a whole range of emotions, and that can feel freaky. Take one day at a time. Hang in there! 1
Author fray5 Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 Hopelessness is a symptom of depression. You haven't said what it was about the previous relationship that caused you to feel damaged, but it's possible that you have some post-traumatic stress issues if it was abusive. We tend to hold onto memories of painful experiences more so than positive or neutral ones. There is no reason to believe this is directly related to depression, although a predisposition to dwell on the past, regrets, pain can be, so can't say definitively that it's not. You said you were out of that relationship for three months prior, and now have been with your current gf for six months. So it's now nine months hence. That seems like enough time to process it and move on. The timing is different for everyone. Three months may have been a slightly sooner than optimal but it doesn't seem out of line. Also, accept that it's perfectly normal for the previous gf to pop into your thoughts occasionally even after a few years. That's just how our minds work. It's not like you start dating a new person and completely forget about past experiences. Our experiences become part of who we are. The difference is if you're obsessing on the previous gf, or if a random thought of her triggers a strong emotional response. If the thoughts just float through occasionally and you're remaining neutral, then just make a decision to quit worrying about it, understanding that you will think of her less as more time passes. I'm betting that since you said she damaged your self-esteem, the recurring thoughts are post-traumatic reactions. Regardless, separate the past from the present, and try to live in the present. The past happened but it exists only as memories, and you can change how you think and feel about them. Since early in my relationship with my new gf I kept worrying about whether it was too soon to meet someone like her. However, I had no desire to be back with my ex and didn't think about her much anymore at all. For the first month or so after our breakup I had a difficult time especially with the medical stuff I had going on. I also became increasingly paranoid she had been cheating on me and might've given me an std or something. 2 weeks after our breakup she was in another relationship on Facebook so this further hurt me. I talked to her on the phone around that time and asked her what she thinks went wrong with us. She told me she felt like she could just walk all over me and we just weren't compatible. Throughout the end of our relationship she started ignoring me and canceling all plans, going out and partying, when I talked to her she was either drunk or stoned. So after taking far more than I should've I told her I had to break up with her even tho that's not what I wanted. I believe I was depressed while all this went on by the way. She seemed not upset at all when I told her this and went to her FB and changed her status to single right away. This all was long distance by the way, we hung out on wkends. She asked If we could remain friends and hang out and I told her that wouldn't be possible for a while. I removed her as a friend on FB and she called me childish and criticized me some more. I had sent her a check to help her with something previously so I canceled it without letting her know. A month later she sent me a text telling me how everyone where she lives has lost all respect for me. I sent her one back saying I was sorry she felt that way and that was the last I said to her. Early on in my relationship with my current gf i got some clothes in the mail from my ex. My mail goes to my parents so I told my mother to open it bc I didn't want to read any letters that might be with it. Now that's the story for the most part. I can't tell what it is for sure bc I in no way want her back. I never get the urge to look at her FB or twitter to stalk her. If I ever see she's in a new relationship I wouldn't care or be bothered. When she comes to mind now in my current relationship I just feel guilty. I was with my gf last night and she came to mind and it felt like my head got clouded with thinking of her and I couldn't quit trying to figure out why. This in turn made me feel even more guilty and I couldn't focus with my gf. It was as of the guilt just kept building. It's like the more I try to ignore the thoughts the more obsessive they become. Then I start getting scared I might be permanently messed up in the head. This morning I woke up crying and thinking of how messed up all this is. I keep thinking of my gf and how much I want her but I feel blocked and I don't know why. I also worry that when my head is clouded with these thoughts while with my gf she'll notice and get bored and not want to be with me. This whole thing is really making my life hard and i have things so good. I don't have any strong emotional responses towards my gf when a thought or anything comes up of her rather than the guilt. I should prob mention that she broke up with me twice. 3 months in she did and then a Month later she came begging me back and I took her back. I've never been rejected like this before so im not sure if it's my ego that's hurt or what. All I know is I just want to forget all that and be happy with my current gf. Does this info help you gain further insight? I'm really having a rough morning. The anxiety in me right now keeps saying to break up with my gf and it'd make things better but I don't want that. Am I just being selfish?
Author fray5 Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 I think the emotional overload is bringing up a "fight or flee" reaction, which might be the reason why you have thoughts of your ex. Safe to say, experiences with exes have affected you badly, so it might be a good idea to acknowledge it and heal. The fact that you know you want her makes things a whole lot easier. That's your focal point. Being with her is something you're certain about, so why the rush? You've been together for 6 months, would it be too long of a stretch to do the classic 2 year dating thing before committing? I imagine that'd be enough time to sort out your anxiety while being a loving, happy boyfriend? You need a holiday, by the way. A guilt-free one. Explain to your lady that you need to recharge, and get some much-needed perspective. It's important to maintain a sense of self, even as you become a part of someone else's life, and she, yours. When you say acknowledge the hurt and heal, can I do that while in this relationship? That's been my question for a while. I just want to get ok and be with my current gf. That whole focal point is what's kept things going for me. I just hope that in enough time it can happen. I'm doing everything I can to find out what this is a fix it. Talking with you all is helping so much. It's like sometimes it gets better, then it's right back down to feeling low again. My girlfriend is so awesome and deserves everything. I feel so bad for going through all of this while with her.
Author fray5 Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 OP, you seem very self-aware and you're going to get through this! It sounds like the anxiety is causing some OCD, and those intrusive thoughts are disturbing and cause even more anxiety. But, they're just thoughts. It's OK. Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy techniques can help with this. A good book is "Feeling Good" by David Burns. I also heard of Claire Weekes mentioned before. There are also some good forums for anxiety and / or depression. You're not alone! Plus you're in a relatively new relationship which is getting serious. That's great, but scary for anyone. You're bound to feel a whole range of emotions, and that can feel freaky. Take one day at a time. Hang in there! The thoughts def do feel OCD at times, especially when I'm with her and I think of my ex over an over. It's crazy because all of a sudden I'll think of her and then a random past memory we had and I'll start freaking out inside my head and start thinking of a ton more memories. Then my mind starts telling me this isn't normal and I need to get away. I know this probably sound nuts, but it's what's happening. I'm just so scared I'm going to screw things up. These emotions have def become stronger as my girlfriend and I have gotten more serious.
Author fray5 Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 another question here... could a lot of this be because of self esteem problems?
SmilesnFrowns Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 another question here... could a lot of this be because of self esteem problems? I certainly think it comes into play. I had a very similar situation with an ex recently. He somehow didn't feel "worthy", was nervous and censored himself. All because he felt like his history somehow tainted him. I think you simply need time. It is possible to get over your ex, as long as you don't try to suppress your feelings, stay positive. Over time, the flare ups will be less powerful and less frequent.
Author fray5 Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 I certainly think it comes into play. I had a very similar situation with an ex recently. He somehow didn't feel "worthy", was nervous and censored himself. All because he felt like his history somehow tainted him. I think you simply need time. It is possible to get over your ex, as long as you don't try to suppress your feelings, stay positive. Over time, the flare ups will be less powerful and less frequent. How long were you and your ex together and what happened in the end of it? I hope time will help get over it. It seems I'm getting thought Everytime I'm with her now but that's probably bc I'm obsessing. Is it better to accept these thoughts when they happen and acknowledge they're normal? It's like they're trying to trick me into thinking I still have feelings. Do you have any advice for how to heal up from it quicker? I feel like fighting the thoughts is harder and instead of freaking out when I get them I should just be calm. I also feel this antidepressant might still be messing with me a bit
SmilesnFrowns Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 (edited) How long were you and your ex together and what happened in the end of it? I hope time will help get over it. It seems I'm getting thought Everytime I'm with her now but that's probably bc I'm obsessing. Is it better to accept these thoughts when they happen and acknowledge they're normal? It's like they're trying to trick me into thinking I still have feelings. Do you have any advice for how to heal up from it quicker? I feel like fighting the thoughts is harder and instead of freaking out when I get them I should just be calm. I also feel this antidepressant might still be messing with me a bit I had to break things off, because I couldn't imagine being married to someone that conflicted. I wanted him with his flaws, but he was always treading on eggshells. We were together 5 months, had been friends for a year. If you'd like to get over your ex quicker, you can try this (it worked for me): next time you have time to yourself(at least a day), allow yourself to have thoughts about your ex. Get angry, upset, sad, whatever your resultant emotion may be. This will be cathartic provided you don't act on your emotions, which is why it's important you have the day alone. You'll feel like crap that one day, but its necessary to release. I was in a toxic relationship for 4 years, and couldn't get over my ex for a further two years because I hadn't accepted the breakup, even though I had initiated it. A lot of my unresolved feelings would crop up unexpectedly. Once I allowed myself to be miserable about the breakup WITHOUT ACTUALLY CONTACTING HIM, I managed to get over it and to see things for what they really were. Also, have fun. Do things you enjoy. Edited May 19, 2013 by SmilesnFrowns
ja123 Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Is it better to accept these thoughts when they happen and acknowledge they're normal? Do you have any advice for how to heal up from it quicker? Yeah, just acknowledge those thoughts when they come, rather than trying to block them out which make them come more. When you have one of those OCD thoughts, just say, "OK, there's one of those thoughts again. Tell yourself it's OK. That's just your anxiety talking to you. Breathe, and let it go." As far as healing from it quicker, try not to put too much pressure on yourself to "heal quick" or make it go away instantly. That can actually have the opposite effect. That's not to say that you cannot be proactive about it. Talk therapy would be very good for you. Also those books I mentioned earlier in the thread, along with specialized forums could be helpful. Give yourself time. This is a process. Be gentle with yourself.
Author fray5 Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 I had to break things off, because I couldn't imagine being married to someone that conflicted. I wanted him with his flaws, but he was always treading on eggshells. We were together 5 months, had been friends for a year. If you'd like to get over your ex quicker, you can try this (it worked for me): next time you have time to yourself(at least a day), allow yourself to have thoughts about your ex. Get angry, upset, sad, whatever your resultant emotion may be. This will be cathartic provided you don't act on your emotions, which is why it's important you have the day alone. You'll feel like crap that one day, but its necessary to release. I was in a toxic relationship for 4 years, and couldn't get over my ex for a further two years because I hadn't accepted the breakup, even though I had initiated it. A lot of my unresolved feelings would crop up unexpectedly. Once I allowed myself to be miserable about the breakup WITHOUT ACTUALLY CONTACTING HIM, I managed to get over it and to see things for what they really were. Also, have fun. Do things you enjoy. Wow, that's sad about that guy and even sadder that I kind of sound like him. The thoughts with my ex are weird. It's like her name is always on my mind. It wasn't near as bad in the beginning of my relationship, but I did always worry that maybe I was moving too fast. I'll get these thoughts of ending it with my current gf and that'll fix everything, that she's just not for me. BUT when I see her I just can't imagine doing it. She's so wonderful. I never get the urge to contact my ex. However, when I think real hard about it, I kind of want to contact her and ask what the heck has happened to me and tell her to leave me alone. I initiated our breakup too bc she became so distant. I thought I had accepted the breakup, but is it possible I haven't? I thought I allowed myself time to be miserable, but do I need to find doing that again? Another thing is it's hard to have fun. I feel my mind consumed with analyzing the relationship, and even now it's hard to focus with her unless we're being intimate. I hope to hear back from you soon! Sorry I didn't get to reply yesterday. I was pretty busy with family.
Author fray5 Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Yeah, just acknowledge those thoughts when they come, rather than trying to block them out which make them come more. When you have one of those OCD thoughts, just say, "OK, there's one of those thoughts again. Tell yourself it's OK. That's just your anxiety talking to you. Breathe, and let it go." As far as healing from it quicker, try not to put too much pressure on yourself to "heal quick" or make it go away instantly. That can actually have the opposite effect. That's not to say that you cannot be proactive about it. Talk therapy would be very good for you. Also those books I mentioned earlier in the thread, along with specialized forums could be helpful. Give yourself time. This is a process. Be gentle with yourself. ja, you seem to have good insight at this sort of stuff. When I was with my gf this past wkend, I thought of my ex paniced and it became worse. Like my mind repeated her name a million times. It was hard to focus with my girlfriend and enjoy her company. I felt like I was in a cloud and she was going to notice something was wrong. I kept comparing my feelings for her to how I felt with my ex and questioning if I'd ever feel good again. Logically, I know she's a million times what my ex was but I keep thinking "what, there's no way I still have feelings for my ex" or "maybe she's just not the one for me". The comparisons I have fill me with guilt and I feel like I should be able to know without a doubt this girl better for me and it's unfair for someone as skanky as my ex to come into the same picture as her. Another thing I should mention is that my girlfriend and I spend a lot of time together. We saw each other pretty much all of this weekend. Could that be a part of the problem? Maybe taking time away from her would help me sort my feelings out a bit better? It's just when I'm alone I cry and I worry. It's almost every morning I'm waking up crying. When this happens all I can think of is my girlfriends name and pray that everything will be ok. I know this sounds quite pitiful probably but it's the truth. Can you draw any advice or help from why this is? Also, when I get a text from my gf every morning, I get anxious and feel weird. This makes me freak out too bc I think I should have a good feeling like I used to with my ex when she'd text me. Hope to hear back soon and thank you so much for all your time and help!
MidwestUSA Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Hi fray, sorry I had to take a break. Had a mini breakdown of my own. Haven't had time to get completely updated here, but will in the next couple of days. Now, get this, had a doctor's appt for my chronic problem, and he offered me Cymbalta, LOL! I thought of you. I politely turned him down and went for the second line drug. If I'm not mistaken, I keep seeing the word obsess. If we're talking thoughts, I agree, best to acknowledge them, but try to let them go. Sometimes I allow myself to obsess until I'm exhausted. And hopefully they stop. Sort of similar to when I worked in a high stress job and something pissed me off. I'd tell myself "I'm going to think about it, obsess about it, be pissed, UNTIL I get home". Then I'd shut it off. Anyway, let me read up. Glad to see some others chiming in here, I look forward to seeing the thought of others. Are you still on the med? If so, adjusting to it?
MidwestUSA Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Here's a funny for ya. My husband has called me, multiple times, by the names of not one, but BOTH, of his ex wives. Now, mind you, his first marriage was almost thirty years ago; he was divorced at the age of twenty. He has also used my name (once) when referring to said first ex. It happens. We get a good laugh out of it. I have had my exes name on the tip of my tongue so many times I can't count, and have avoided slipping by sticking with sweetie, honey, babe, etc. (only once was I called the wrong name while in bed, LOL!) It's a subconscious thing; life is too short to get bent out of shape about it!
Author fray5 Posted May 23, 2013 Author Posted May 23, 2013 Here's a funny for ya. My husband has called me, multiple times, by the names of not one, but BOTH, of his ex wives. Now, mind you, his first marriage was almost thirty years ago; he was divorced at the age of twenty. He has also used my name (once) when referring to said first ex. It happens. We get a good laugh out of it. I have had my exes name on the tip of my tongue so many times I can't count, and have avoided slipping by sticking with sweetie, honey, babe, etc. (only once was I called the wrong name while in bed, LOL!) It's a subconscious thing; life is too short to get bent out of shape about it! Haha that's funny about the ex's names! Our brains are such a complicated thing. Sorry it's been a bit for me to reply and I hope you all are still around to help. My whole situation has just got me all out of whack from many different angles. I think i may be onto something... My medical condition I spoke of required me to take a drug that is a dopamine agonist. I've been taking that since 2 months into my relationship. I've read more on that drug and it is known to cause depression and anxiety. Now, I think I already had some anxiety there and questions about the relationship, maybe I was even already a little depressed. However, I have a pretty good feeling that medicine has probably amplified everything. I read where some people were having all kinds of mental problems. Therefore, I'm discontinuing everything and getting 2nd opinions. I'm hoping once my body is clear of everything, which could take a while since I've been on so long, that Ill settle down a bit. There's just been so much. Also, I've been reading about relationship OCD, it sounds EXACTLY like what I have. Me continuing to look for answers is a compulsion I've found out. Its bad to always try to diagnose yourself but I'm pretty sure this could be what's going on. Have you ever heard of this?
MidwestUSA Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 I haven't heard of it called by that name, but I can assure you I am a walking, breathing example of it! I had the best shrink here, he could diagnose you within five minutes. He would ask one question, I'd answer, and he'd tell me about my obsessive compulsive traits. How did he do it? He asked me a simple question, and I replied with a three page verbal response, way overboard. Explaining, analyzing, on and on and on......... Can I ask what drug you were/are on? The dopamine agonist? If not too personal.
Author fray5 Posted May 23, 2013 Author Posted May 23, 2013 I haven't heard of it called by that name, but I can assure you I am a walking, breathing example of it! I had the best shrink here, he could diagnose you within five minutes. He would ask one question, I'd answer, and he'd tell me about my obsessive compulsive traits. How did he do it? He asked me a simple question, and I replied with a three page verbal response, way overboard. Explaining, analyzing, on and on and on......... Can I ask what drug you were/are on? The dopamine agonist? If not too personal. Haha sounds exactly like me, seriously. I'm writing a journal right now and it seems to be helping me a bit. I can kinda see where things in my anxiety have just built up and hopefully I can get to the root of it this way. My anxiety with my gf isn't her, it's something much deeper with me. Hope I'm on the right path. Not too personal at all, it's the most common one called cabergoline. It would actually be a relief for you to know this and tell me it could be making things worse. Just google it and read about the side effects some have
MidwestUSA Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Quick question, can you get off that drug without compromising your health in other ways? I read ja123's posts, all great advice. Sal's as well, but everything he writes is awesome. I love the journal idea too. You are SO self aware; this is going to help you. If you can allow others (mainly your GF) into those thought processes, even better, provided it doesn't alarm her. Writing here has actually helped me too. And know this, some stranger on the internet thought of you while in her doctor's office last week! weird, huh?
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