Anxiety surrounding my relationship

[fray5]

I do think you should, in a very polite and warm way, discuss the possibility of slowing things down. Because I too in my last relationship would get stressed when she would talk about marriage, buying a house, etc. You just need to convince her to take things easy to take the pressure off. Once that happens, I'm pretty certain you'll feel more positive about your relationship with her. That doom and gloom feeling will be gone.

 

Can I ask how old you are, by the way?

 

That sounds like a good way to go about it. Thanks again man for all your advice.

 

I'm 26 btw

[Chief Wiggum]

That sounds like a good way to go about it. Thanks again man for all your advice.

 

I'm 26 btw

 

No worries. And whaddya' know, you're the same age as me, too. :-)

[fray5]

I don't think it'd be a bad thing if he pushed her away. She's already showing him rings and "jokingly" asking about getting married. Even not being depressed, that would make me run like hell.

 

Dude, do both yourself and her a favor and SLOW THINGS DOWN. Tell her you won't be discussing marriage, tell her not to bring it up or show you rings, and don't you bring it up, either.

 

Take a HUGE step back and put yourself first and take care of yourself.

 

 

I've kinda felt like pushing her away at times to be honest but restrained bc I didn't know if it'd be the depression or not. I just hope I haven't been pushed too far bc i know it's partly my fault too. I'm going to talk with her next time it comes up. I do feel like I haven't been taking care of myself. It's kind of like I've started to neglect myself, even at work I can't focus. Being depressed doesn't help but I need to think of something other than the relationship. I just hope taking a step back will help things.

 

I think another thing that kind of holds me back a little, not a lot anymore, is that she had a 2 year relationship 6 months before she met me where she was verbally abused and I think the guy even got physical with her. I've noticed she can be clingy at times and worried about that. I've always been really independent enjoying me time but I feel I've lost the ability to do that and the depression doesn't help either

[fray5]

No worries. And whaddya' know, you're the same age as me, too. :-)

 

Haha at the end of all this I just might have to buy ya a beer

[fray5]

Right, basically, dude, the next time she brings up the topic of marriage and stuff, I'd play it like this....

 

"Hey, I know all of that is really important to you at the moment -- and it most definitely is to me too -- but I think for the time being we don't really need to be stressing ourselves with that kind of stuff. I love spending time with you and getting to learn new things about you, and I really wanna' enjoy this phase of the relationship to its fullest. I feel it would be healthier for us this way. If we're constantly talking about serious things, we're not letting our relationship runs its natural course and develop the way it's supposed to"

 

So, in your plea to slow things down, you're still assuring her that you really like her and that you wanna' be with her. You can word it in your own way and execute it in a manner that you know she'd take it well.

 

Out of curiosity, are there pressures from your family too? You know, those that have set you up? Are they, like, expecting you to get hitched up or something?

 

Yeah man my parents are somewhat and she told me her dad told her he'd like for me to marry her. She also told me she talked to her mom about saving up for a wedding. So, Yeah, lots of pressure! Plus the fact we both have a lot goin for us and we're compatible

[fray5]

Hey you all just wanted to post an update. I've been on the antidepressant for about 9 days now and I'm actually feeling a little more depressed. My girlfriend said that something seemed off about me and asked what was up so I told her about everything. She said she actually used to be on antidepressants too and told me I need to be open with her about this stuff and she'll be there for me. It was nice and it also makes me sad. I feel like being out of the relationship would relieve things for me a bit, but when I imagine letting her go I feel like I have a nervous break down and start crying. Every morning I'm waking up crying. My therapist said that depression will make us see everything in a distorted way so breaking up with my girlfriend would be a bad idea right now. Just thinking of going through with doing something like that makes me upset. I don't know if I need to switch antidepressants, stay on them, or just go off of everything. Can any of you offer any advice for me on this stuff?

[salparadise]

My advice is get off those meds. They seriously mess with you brain's hormonal balance. Psychiatrists prescribe antidepressants for the same reason that snakes crawl on the ground- that's just what they do. What you need is a psychologist to help you sort out your feelings and identify the course of action that's appropriate for you. There are many natural ways to combat mild depression, assuming that you have it. SRIs can neutralize your sexual response/performance. It should be a last resort, not the first.

[fray5]

My advice is get off those meds. They seriously mess with you brain's hormonal balance. Psychiatrists prescribe antidepressants for the same reason that snakes crawl on the ground- that's just what they do. What you need is a psychologist to help you sort out your feelings and identify the course of action that's appropriate for you. There are many natural ways to combat mild depression, assuming that you have it. SRIs can neutralize your sexual response/performance. It should be a last resort, not the first.

 

I really want to say/do that, but my whole family is on them- sister, father, and mother. They told me I could have a chemical imbalance that is genetic... still don't know if I believe all that. I always swore against these things but I feel desperate. They say that I may have to just keep switching until I find the right one and this makes me wonder how long it will be. For me the solution right now would be stop everything and be alone to get my crap together. BUT is this the depression wanting this? Is the depression from my relationship and bc she's the wrong person? I want for it to work out so bad but I have this hole feeling in my chest.

[MidwestUSA]

I agree with Sal, but I wouldn't just go off them without the prescribing doc knowing. True about the sexual side effects, and I almost mentioned it the other day. The exception is Wellbutrin, which often has the effect of increasing libido and not causing ED. However, NO antidepressant will combat situational depression; they are meant for true clinical depression. I have to wonder if you are just seriously stressed. Well, I that back, you are. And I'd attribute it to the intense pressure that you are feeling. You shouldn't have to bear it alone, and it's wonderful that your GF was so understanding. Keep opening up to her, and let us know how it goes. Hang in there!

[MidwestUSA]

I really want to say/do that, but my whole family is on them- sister, father, and mother. They told me I could have a chemical imbalance that is genetic... still don't know if I believe all that. I always swore against these things but I feel desperate. They say that I may have to just keep switching until I find the right one and this makes me wonder how long it will be. For me the solution right now would be stop everything and be alone to get my crap together. BUT is this the depression wanting this? Is the depression from my relationship and bc she's the wrong person? I want for it to work out so bad but I have this hole feeling in my chest.

So much more food for thought, wow! I personally don't believe the genetic part. I can see how growing up with a whole family on them would contribute to your state of mind, tho. I want to see someone else weigh in one this.

[fray5]

I agree with Sal, but I wouldn't just go off them without the prescribing doc knowing. True about the sexual side effects, and I almost mentioned it the other day. The exception is Wellbutrin, which often has the effect of increasing libido and not causing ED. However, NO antidepressant will combat situational depression; they are meant for true clinical depression. I have to wonder if you are just seriously stressed. Well, I that back, you are. And I'd attribute it to the intense pressure that you are feeling. You shouldn't have to bear it alone, and it's wonderful that your GF was so understanding. Keep opening up to her, and let us know how it goes. Hang in there!

 

Thanks Midwest. My therapist said she thinks my depression isn't clinical but I wonder. Here's another thing that is bothering me as you just mentioned, I have been having ED already from the drugs. It just feels numb down there.

 

If it is situational I wish I knew why. Could you answer me this- why would I have recurring thoughts of my ex? In a way I feel like this is causing me extreme guilt and anxiety. When I started seeing my current gf, I was worried it may be too soon. However, I had zero desire to me with my ex anymore. Currently I'll remember some of the good times and my anxiety skyrockets. I still have no desire to be with the ex but the thoughts really get to me and make me question things. Would you have any explanation why this happens? I constantly worried about "rebound", and I got this idea early on in my new relationship I couldn't meet someone so perfect a few months after my ex. So maybe I have just ingrained this idea in my head from early on, even though untrue, and it's eaten at me... What do you think?

 

Also, here lately when my girlfriend tells me she loves me (which is quite often), I feel weird saying it back. I can feel anxiety when I do this as to before when I said it there wasn't any.

Edited May 15, 2013 by fray5

[Treasa]

Just to chime in about the antidepressants...I've been on them for two and a half years now, and they have made a miraculous difference in my life.

 

I had had years of therapy before that, but I still would have weeks and months where I would do nothing buy cry all day every day for no reason.

 

Some people in my family have it, some do not.

 

I am very balanced and happy, and my libido didn't go down with this particular combination I'm on (actually, it has gone up). It has gone down with ones I've tried in the past, and they didn't help my anxiety or depression, either. These keep me on an even keel so I can make good, strong decisions based off the work I've done in therapy.

 

Please don't malign all antidepressants, or people who use them. I'm not weak, and they have made such a huge improvement in my life. They don't work the same for everyone, but rarely anything does.

 

ETA: Antidepressants don't act super quick. Usually it takes six to eight weeks to see the full effect.

Edited May 15, 2013 by Treasa

[fray5]

Just to chime in about the antidepressants...I've been on them for two and a half years now, and they have made a miraculous difference in my life.

 

I had had years of therapy before that, but I still would have weeks and months where I would do nothing buy cry all day every day for no reason.

 

Some people in my family have it, some do not.

 

I am very balanced and happy, and my libido didn't go down with this particular combination I'm on (actually, it has gone up). It has gone down with ones I've tried in the past, and they didn't help my anxiety or depression, either. These keep me on an even keel so I can make good, strong decisions based off the work I've done in therapy.

 

Please don't malign all antidepressants, or people who use them. I'm not weak, and they have made such a huge improvement in my life. They don't work the same for everyone, but rarely anything does.

 

So far they have had me try Wellbutrin (which gave me severe panic attacks after 4 doses so I stopped) and now they have me on cymbalta. Do you have any suggestions? My libido is nonexistent right now 9 days into the cymbalta.

[Treasa]

So far they have had me try Wellbutrin (which gave me severe panic attacks after 4 doses so I stopped) and now they have me on cymbalta. Do you have any suggestions? My libido is nonexistent right now 9 days into the cymbalta.

 

I'm not a psychiatrist, and only a psychiatrist should be giving you advice.

 

I tried Effexor, Prozac, Cymbalta, Paxil, and the only combination that helped me and made a difference in my life was Prozac/Wellbutrin. But again, not everyone reacts the same.

[fray5]

I'm not a psychiatrist, and only a psychiatrist should be giving you advice.

 

I tried Effexor, Prozac, Cymbalta, Paxil, and the only combination that helped me and made a difference in my life was Prozac/Wellbutrin. But again, not everyone reacts the same.

 

Was the psychiatrist the one who got you sorted out? So far it's just been my GP and he sounds like a sales rep for cymbalta when he gives me crap

[MidwestUSA]

So far they have had me try Wellbutrin (which gave me severe panic attacks after 4 doses so I stopped) and now they have me on cymbalta. Do you have any suggestions? My libido is nonexistent right now 9 days into the cymbalta.

Like Treasa, I went thru every antiD on the market, and Wellbutrin turned out to be the one for me. I'm so sorry it caused you panic attacks; a side effect is jitteriness and heightened anxiety, but it mellows out after a while. What dose did they have you on? Cymbalta made me a zombie; I can't stand that hangover effect. But that's me, not medical advice for you (official disclaimer).

I agree, they shouldn't be maligned, but used truly as needed. And as Sal said, they are too often used as a first line bandaid, and they shouldn't be.

I want to ask, do you participate in any high intensity exercise? Serious cardio stuff? There's nothing like natural endorphins for health and a sense of well being. Just asking.

[MidwestUSA]

Was the psychiatrist the one who got you sorted out? So far it's just been my GP and he sounds like a sales rep for cymbalta when he gives me crap

Oh my, yes. These should be prescribed by a psych. GPs go with the latest/greatest. A psych would help you get to the root of the obsessive thinking/anxiety as well.

[Treasa]

Like Treasa, I went thru every antiD on the market, and Wellbutrin turned out to be the one for me. I'm so sorry it caused you panic attacks; a side effect is jitteriness and heightened anxiety, but it mellows out after a while. What dose did they have you on? Cymbalta made me a zombie; I can't stand that hangover effect. But that's me, not medical advice for you (official disclaimer).

I agree, they shouldn't be maligned, but used truly as needed. And as Sal said, they are too often used as a first line bandaid, and they shouldn't be.

I want to ask, do you participate in any high intensity exercise? Serious cardio stuff? There's nothing like natural endorphins for health and a sense of well being. Just asking.

 

I was just going to say this. I was only prescribed Prozac at first, but I was really tired (it turned out to be a severe iron deficiency), so she put me on Wellbutrin to give me the little bit of pep. Wellbutrin can make things worse for some people who suffer more from anxiety than depression.

 

Are you asking me about the exercise, or the OP? If me, I lift weights,take martial arts and weapons, and run. I've run a half marathon and more 5Ks than I count. Exercise definitely does help with mood, but it doesn't cure everything. Nothing cures everything. It's often a combination.

[fray5]

I'm not a psychiatrist, and only a psychiatrist should be giving you advice.

 

I tried Effexor, Prozac, Cymbalta, Paxil, and the only combination that helped me and made a difference in my life was Prozac/Wellbutrin. But again, not everyone reacts the same.

 

Was the psychiatrist the one who got you sorted out? So far it's just been my GP and he sounds like a sales rep for cymbalta when he gives me crap

[Treasa]

Was the psychiatrist the one who got you sorted out? So far it's just been my GP and he sounds like a sales rep for cymbalta when he gives me crap

 

YES. What MidwestUSA wrote.

[MidwestUSA]

I was just going to say this. I was only prescribed Prozac at first, but I was really tired (it turned out to be a severe iron deficiency), so she put me on Wellbutrin to give me the little bit of pep. Wellbutrin can make things worse for some people who suffer more from anxiety than depression.

 

Are you asking me about the exercise, or the OP? If me, I lift weights,take martial arts and weapons, and run. I've run a half marathon and more 5Ks than I count. Exercise definitely does help with mood, but it doesn't cure everything. Nothing cures everything. It's often a combination.

I was asking OP; I knew you were active. Love my dopamine and endorphins, LOL! (sorry for the hijack)

[fray5]

I was asking OP; I knew you were active. Love my dopamine and endorphins, LOL! (sorry for the hijack)

 

I honestly used to run a whole lot more. However I've just had less interest in it and got out of the habit. I do lift weights a few days a week. Do you have any other suggestions for activities?

[Treasa]

I was asking OP; I knew you were active. Love my dopamine and endorphins, LOL! (sorry for the hijack)

 

I figured, but I just wanted to make sure.

 

You know I love you.

[MidwestUSA]

I figured, but I just wanted to make sure.

 

You know I love you.

Awe, shucks!

 

Back to OP, I think you correctly diagnosed yourself when you use the words anxious, or anxiety. There are all level of mixed depression/anxiety. The best defense is a good support system, and it sounds like you have one in your GF, your family, and hers. Use it to your advantage. Do not be afraid to express your fears and concerns. Maybe a course of medication will help, maybe not. I mentioned exercise simply because, having been in a situation that stresses me, with thoughts bombarding my every waking moment (and sleep, as well), there is nothing better to temporarily escape it than a thirty mile bike ride or a serious workout at the gym. Note I said temporarily. But it does clear your head. I was never a runner, couldn't run to save my life, but was always in search of the "runner's high". Might help you to get back into it, not to mention it's good for your overall health anyway. Lifting is great, but doesn't usually get your heart rate high enough for the amount of time to be considered a cardiovascular workout.

 

 

I can't explain the intrusive thoughts you're having about your ex, but I understand. Life is nothing but a never ending stream of "what ifs?" You have to get past that and focus on the future, but the speed at which that is coming at you is too much. I wouldn't do anything so radical as to break things off with your GF, but would she be shocked if you needed a break? With the understanding, of course, that she has done nothing wrong (other than the warp speed talk of rings, marriage, children, of which you were a willing participant).

 

 

Somehow you have to get over the guilt of your last relationship and BELIEVE that YES, you CAN find someone this soon who is meant for you. Some people never find it at all, maybe you just hit a lottery. Do you believe in luck, fate, pre destiny, any way you want to put it? I forgot, are you seeing any kind of therapist? Because you need to talk, talk, talk! And not bear this burden alone. Eat right, get good sleep, exercise and meds (if necessary). A good psychologist or relationship counselor might be in order. Would your GF be willing to go with you?

[christine_b]

good relationships shouldn't give you crazy anxiety. you should work on your communication and talk it over