fray5 Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I'm 26 and have been with my girlfriend for 6 months now, she's 24. I had a 6 month relationship over last summer and met her 3 months after that. I mention it bc that relationship really hurt my self esteem and I stayed in it for the wrong reasons. My girlfriend now is everything I've ever wanted in a girl- we have the same morals, views, etc. However, I feel we've moved very fast. I wanted to go slow but things were just going so well. We've talked about marriage, kids, houses, and a lot of other stuff. She has also shown me rings. For the last month I've felt really down and depressed, crying randomly for no reason and I'd start fearing I would somehow end up without my girlfriend, like i felt like I would have to end it eventually. I went to a counselor and they told me I should see a psychologist which I did and they told me I had depression. So I have now been taking antidepressants for 1 week and I think they have me feeling funny. Anyways, I want so bad to be with my girlfriend yet I constantly analyze things. It's like I just can't relax. Then I started getting thoughts of my ex in my head, not bad or good but just thoughts. This in turn made me freak out bc I started getting paranoid I might be in a rebound relationship. I've become obsessed with reading things online about them and fear it could be one. This devastates me bc she is everything that I want in a future wife. However, I also catch myself thinking about other girls. It's like I want that, but I really don't. You all can see how my head is all over the place right now and I apologize if it's confusing to read. I just know I want to be with my girlfriend but I feel like I have this block in me that's holding things back. What is this and what can I do? I know if I ever lose this girl I'm going to regret it. It feels like self-sabotage in a way. Please, I appreciate any help 2
Chief Wiggum Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Bloody hell. I can't say for certain what's up with you, but what I can tell you is that if you carry on going the way you are, then yeah, you'll give her no choice but to dump you. Pull yourself together, man. You're with an amazing girl you like, so just enjoy it. Don't think too much, because it seems like that may be the root cause of your problems. Stop over-analysing things. Treat her right and and make her feel good, and that in turn will decrease the chances of you messing things up. It does sound like you're still scarred from your previous relationship, though. Either way, if you really like this new girl, then you'd know to enjoy it for what it is. Think more positively, man. Stop being so grim and afraid. 1
Author fray5 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 Bloody hell. I can't say for certain what's up with you, but what I can tell you is that if you carry on going the way you are, then yeah, you'll give her no choice but to dump you. Pull yourself together, man. You're with an amazing girl you like, so just enjoy it. Don't think too much, because it seems like that may be the root cause of your problems. Stop over-analysing things. Treat her right and and make her feel good, and that in turn will decrease the chances of you messing things up. It does sound like you're still scarred from your previous relationship, though. Either way, if you really like this new girl, then you'd know to enjoy it for what it is. Think more positively, man. Stop being so grim and afraid. I know what you mean man, and I can't believe I'm in this situation. I just need some support which is why I came here. I wasn't sure if maybe it was the relationship moving so fast that freaked me out or if I was just worrying for no reason. I'm trying to do everything I can to keep this in control, it's just so hard for some reason bc it seems like all I do is think. I feel guilty anytime my ex comes to my mind bc I feel it's unfair to my current gf. I just feel like an anxious mess. I'm not sure if this is due to the antidepressant, but I heard they can make you more anxious at first. You said I may be scarred from the last relationship, is this something that will improve the more I see my current gf?
MidwestUSA Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 First I want to say I'm so sorry you are going through this. Second, you're not alone, and many of the thoughts you are having are completely normal, but you are taking them to the point of obsession. I hope that you continue to speak with a therapist and bear with the side effects of the antidepressants until they kick in. Your GF and relationship may be everything you've ever wanted, but I hope you realize you've both jumped in very quickly. It's time to engage (no, not ENGAGE!) your GF in helping you. Slow down, explain your thoughts to her. If she is as wonderful as you believe she is, she'll support you through this. I recently survived a whirlwind relationship, and was often haunted by thoughts: "is this really happening to me? When is something going to go wrong? What did I do to deserve this (in a happy way, LOL)?" Now married after less than a year, certainly something I'd never recommend to anyone! Stop looking at/thinking about houses and rings. Slow down and enjoy, you're not even out of the honeymoon phase of dating. Best wishes and good luck! 2
Author fray5 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 First I want to say I'm so sorry you are going through this. Second, you're not alone, and many of the thoughts you are having are completely normal, but you are taking them to the point of obsession. I hope that you continue to speak with a therapist and bear with the side effects of the antidepressants until they kick in. Your GF and relationship may be everything you've ever wanted, but I hope you realize you've both jumped in very quickly. It's time to engage (no, not ENGAGE!) your GF in helping you. Slow down, explain your thoughts to her. If she is as wonderful as you believe she is, she'll support you through this. I recently survived a whirlwind relationship, and was often haunted by thoughts: "is this really happening to me? When is something going to go wrong? What did I do to deserve this (in a happy way, LOL)?" Now married after less than a year, certainly something I'd never recommend to anyone! Stop looking at/thinking about houses and rings. Slow down and enjoy, you're not even out of the honeymoon phase of dating. Best wishes and good luck! Thanks Midwest. She always mentions things about she can't wait til I'm her husband. Last night she (jokingly) asked when we were going to get married. This made me nervous and even saying I love you makes me nervous right now. So you did similar to me? Was it like you were constantly questioning things? For example, I keep questioning I couldn't find someone this great after my last horrible relationship and if I did it must be a rebound. However, I don't think this is a rebound bc I really want to be this girl. Then, other thoughts make me question if i really love her. I don't know why I get these thoughts when I want this thing so bad. I told her last night that I was putting a lot of pressure on myself about the marriage stuff so I think it's best we slow down on that and I think she understood. I'm just wondering if I should tell her about my depression and the antidepressants. I'm afraid if I do I'll worry that she pitys me or that I'll drive her away. Then on the positive side, maybe it'll bring us closer if I do and she'll be there for me. What do you think?
Chief Wiggum Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 You said I may be scarred from the last relationship, is this something that will improve the more I see my current gf? Yes, absolutely! It's quite normal for your ex to pop up in your head from time to time, and there's absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty over it. Don't let something as normal as that eat you away. Because the more time your spend with your current girl, the less you'll remember the old one. These things take time. Memories don't go away overnight. I kinda' know how you're feeling seeing as though I was in a similar situation as you. In exactly the same time frames too, actually lol. Only difference is my relationship that followed, ended a couple of months back. You're fortunate enough to still have yours going. I would, however, advise you to perhaps take things a little slower. You said you're already talking about wedding rings and stuff? That can be a little too intense at this stage, in my opinion. Speak with her and tell her it'll be best not to worry about serious things like that, and that you should just enjoy the early phase. Because that's what it's about at the moment - having fun and learning new things about one another. 1
MidwestUSA Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Thanks Midwest. She always mentions things about she can't wait til I'm her husband. Last night she (jokingly) asked when we were going to get married. This made me nervous and even saying I love you makes me nervous right now. So you did similar to me? Was it like you were constantly questioning things? For example, I keep questioning I couldn't find someone this great after my last horrible relationship and if I did it must be a rebound. However, I don't think this is a rebound bc I really want to be this girl. Then, other thoughts make me question if i really love her. I don't know why I get these thoughts when I want this thing so bad. I told her last night that I was putting a lot of pressure on myself about the marriage stuff so I think it's best we slow down on that and I think she understood. I'm just wondering if I should tell her about my depression and the antidepressants. I'm afraid if I do I'll worry that she pitys me or that I'll drive her away. Then on the positive side, maybe it'll bring us closer if I do and she'll be there for me. What do you think? I really hate to say this, and I wouldn't want you to try and lay blame on her, but the pressure she's putting you under is tremendous! She needs to realize this behavior could drive you away, not matter how enthused you were when you started talking about such serious topics with her so early. She needs to put the brakes on. If you're comfortable, yes, tell her about the depression and the antiDs. It SHOULD bring you closer together; that's what relationships are about. She needs to realize her part in this too. Talking things out with her should put you at ease, if it doesn't well....... As for me, we were just very lucky. No second thoughts, no hesitations. But I'm twice your age and we both knew what we wanted. Not having to talk about children helped too, I suppose! 3
Emilia Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I agree OP that you are under too much pressure. You are anxious because you are pushed into this too fast and your mind feels it could go wrong after huge expectations. This is a completely natural way to feel as you have only been together for 6 months.
Chief Wiggum Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Thanks Midwest. She always mentions things about she can't wait til I'm her husband. Last night she (jokingly) asked when we were going to get married. This made me nervous and even saying I love you makes me nervous right now. So you did similar to me? Was it like you were constantly questioning things? For example, I keep questioning I couldn't find someone this great after my last horrible relationship and if I did it must be a rebound. However, I don't think this is a rebound bc I really want to be this girl. Then, other thoughts make me question if i really love her. I don't know why I get these thoughts when I want this thing so bad. I told her last night that I was putting a lot of pressure on myself about the marriage stuff so I think it's best we slow down on that and I think she understood. I'm just wondering if I should tell her about my depression and the antidepressants. I'm afraid if I do I'll worry that she pitys me or that I'll drive her away. Then on the positive side, maybe it'll bring us closer if I do and she'll be there for me. What do you think? Nooo! Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT tell her about your depression. You've got a good thing going, so don't screw it by mentioning something that will eventually fade away on its own. Just be positive, and cherish the time your spending with her. That there is your remedy.
Author fray5 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 Yes, absolutely! It's quite normal for your ex to pop up in your head from time to time, and there's absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty over it. Don't let something as normal as that eat you away. Because the more time your spend with your current girl, the less you'll remember the old one. These things take time. Memories don't go away overnight. I kinda' know how you're feeling seeing as though I was in a similar situation as you. In exactly the same time frames too, actually lol. Only difference is my relationship that followed, ended a couple of months back. You're fortunate enough to still have yours going. I would, however, advise you to perhaps take things a little slower. You said you're already talking about wedding rings and stuff? That can be a little too intense at this stage, in my opinion. Speak with her and tell her it'll be best not to worry about serious things like that, and that you should just enjoy the early phase. Because that's what it's about at the moment - having fun and learning new things about one another. The reassurance you all offer helps so much, Chief. To be honest, I just feel pretty pitiful with how I'm going through this right now. Going through the medication and conseling has just made me feel a little worthless too, I have trouble focusing at work bc all i think about is my relationship and other problems. What was your similar situation and why did it end a couple months ago?
Emilia Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Nooo! Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT tell her about your depression. You've got a good thing going, so don't screw it by mentioning something that will eventually fade away on its own. Just be positive, and cherish the time your spending with her. That there is your remedy. What? Depression can be a recurring thing. She also needs to know what's going on in your life OP, this is a major thing. She might sense that something is wrong and she won't understand what. No disrespect but you are giving terrible and misguided advice here 2
Author fray5 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 I really hate to say this, and I wouldn't want you to try and lay blame on her, but the pressure she's putting you under is tremendous! She needs to realize this behavior could drive you away, not matter how enthused you were when you started talking about such serious topics with her so early. She needs to put the brakes on. If you're comfortable, yes, tell her about the depression and the antiDs. It SHOULD bring you closer together; that's what relationships are about. She needs to realize her part in this too. Talking things out with her should put you at ease, if it doesn't well....... As for me, we were just very lucky. No second thoughts, no hesitations. But I'm twice your age and we both knew what we wanted. Not having to talk about children helped too, I suppose! I do find myself wanting to blame her a little for talking so much about it, but it's also my fault bc I allowed her to go on talking about it and even agreed with her. I feel like it has pushed me away, but I don't want it to. Should I explain to her a little more clearly we should slow things down even more? I don't want to hurt her feelings or make her suspicious something is up bc I'm suddenly drawing back. It's just I think where this has gone so fast and I have these expectations it has me looking at ways out even though she's what I want. Sometimes I just feel I need a break away from everything to get my priorities straight where I'm having such a difficult time.
Author fray5 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 I agree OP that you are under too much pressure. You are anxious because you are pushed into this too fast and your mind feels it could go wrong after huge expectations. This is a completely natural way to feel as you have only been together for 6 months. Good to see you, Emilia and thanks for your time! What do you recommend I do about this situation? Even if I'm pushed away a little at the moment bc of the pressure, can it be fixed?
Chief Wiggum Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 What? Depression can be a recurring thing. She also needs to know what's going on in your life OP, this is a major thing. She might sense that something is wrong and she won't understand what. No disrespect but you are giving terrible and misguided advice here Emilia, I'm just concerned he'll scare the current girl away if he reveals to her his current state of weakness.
MidwestUSA Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Emilia, I'm just concerned he'll scare the current girl away if he reveals to her his current state of weakness. It's not a weakness and nothing to be ashamed of! It's a chemical imbalance and quite common. 2
Author fray5 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 Emilia, I'm just concerned he'll scare the current girl away if he reveals to her his current state of weakness. I understand what you mean because that is my current worry as well. It might be too much to throw out there at this time and further put pressure on myself in the relationship.
Author fray5 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 The reassurance you all offer helps so much, Chief. To be honest, I just feel pretty pitiful with how I'm going through this right now. Going through the medication and conseling has just made me feel a little worthless too, I have trouble focusing at work bc all i think about is my relationship and other problems. What was your similar situation and why did it end a couple months ago? The reassurance you all offer helps so much, Chief. To be honest, I just feel pretty pitiful with how I'm going through this right now. Going through the medication and conseling has just made me feel a little worthless too, I have trouble focusing at work bc all i think about is my relationship and other problems. What was your similar situation and why did it end a couple months ago?
Chief Wiggum Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 The reassurance you all offer helps so much, Chief. To be honest, I just feel pretty pitiful with how I'm going through this right now. Going through the medication and conseling has just made me feel a little worthless too, I have trouble focusing at work bc all i think about is my relationship and other problems. What was your similar situation and why did it end a couple months ago? Well, long story cut short..... I was in a serious relationship of four years -- where we had plans for settling down, etc -- but in the summer of last year it ended and by the end of summer I met someone else. I was still recovering from my breakup and at times felt guilty about meeting someone new so quick. But really, it sped up my recovery and I was having fun. At times the new girl was also a bit intense -- like yours sounds -- but I was in a good place emotionally. Things suddenly got a bit ugly when her sister got involved - she convinced her that I wasn't serious about her, and eventually got her to end it with me. I later found out, through a mutual friend, that her sister was a bit envious of what we had (she was having serious issues with her then fiancé at the time). I was a bit gutted, but at the same time relieved. Dodged a bullet, me thinks. Her sister had too much of an influence over her, and things were never gonna' work out with her in the picture. She was evil, man. Lol.
Author fray5 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 I do find myself wanting to blame her a little for talking so much about it, but it's also my fault bc I allowed her to go on talking about it and even agreed with her. I feel like it has pushed me away, but I don't want it to. Should I explain to her a little more clearly we should slow things down even more? I don't want to hurt her feelings or make her suspicious something is up bc I'm suddenly drawing back. It's just I think where this has gone so fast and I have these expectations it has me looking at ways out even though she's what I want. Sometimes I just feel I need a break away from everything to get my priorities straight where I'm having such a difficult time. I do find myself wanting to blame her a little for talking so much about it, but it's also my fault bc I allowed her to go on talking about it and even agreed with her. I feel like it has pushed me away, but I don't want it to. Should I explain to her a little more clearly we should slow things down even more? I don't want to hurt her feelings or make her suspicious something is up bc I'm suddenly drawing back. It's just I think where this has gone so fast and I have these expectations it has me looking at ways out even though she's what I want. Sometimes I just feel I need a break away from everything to get my priorities straight where I'm having such a difficult time.
Chief Wiggum Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 It's not a weakness and nothing to be ashamed of! It's a chemical imbalance and quite common. I know it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's something he can and will recover from. But his girlfriend -- who, admittedly, I know nothing about -- may not see it that way. He risks scaring her away. My advise would be to have that talk with her about slowing things down. Hopefully she'll respect that and that may relieve stress he's feeling. If that doesn't work and he's still afraid everything will mess up, THEN he can tell her he's suffering from depression.
Chief Wiggum Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I understand what you mean because that is my current worry as well. It might be too much to throw out there at this time and further put pressure on myself in the relationship. I do think you should, in a very polite and warm way, discuss the possibility of slowing things down. Because I too in my last relationship would get stressed when she would talk about marriage, buying a house, etc. You just need to convince her to take things easy to take the pressure off. Once that happens, I'm pretty certain you'll feel more positive about your relationship with her. That doom and gloom feeling will be gone. Can I ask how old you are, by the way?
Treasa Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I don't think it'd be a bad thing if he pushed her away. She's already showing him rings and "jokingly" asking about getting married. Even not being depressed, that would make me run like hell. Dude, do both yourself and her a favor and SLOW THINGS DOWN. Tell her you won't be discussing marriage, tell her not to bring it up or show you rings, and don't you bring it up, either. Take a HUGE step back and put yourself first and take care of yourself.
Author fray5 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 Well, long story cut short..... I was in a serious relationship of four years -- where we had plans for settling down, etc -- but in the summer of last year it ended and by the end of summer I met someone else. I was still recovering from my breakup and at times felt guilty about meeting someone new so quick. But really, it sped up my recovery and I was having fun. At times the new girl was also a bit intense -- like yours sounds -- but I was in a good place emotionally. Things suddenly got a bit ugly when her sister got involved - she convinced her that I wasn't serious about her, and eventually got her to end it with me. I later found out, through a mutual friend, that her sister was a bit envious of what we had (she was having serious issues with her then fiancé at the time). I was a bit gutted, but at the same time relieved. Dodged a bullet, me thinks. Her sister had too much of an influence over her, and things were never gonna' work out with her in the picture. She was evil, man. Lol. Sounds like you made out alright man! Haha glad to hear it has worked out for you. I think if I haven't been so depressed id have slowed it down sooner as she's too intense for me right now. I feel she has pushed me away somewhat and have a lot of pressure bc we were fixed up by family and we are the perfect match. Can I repair this? I just worry about it freaking her out it I suddenly tell her things have moved to fast. I really want the relationship to work obviously but im just so anxious and also feel like she relies a lot on me which is added pressure. And then I start worrying that since I'm depressed she'll leave me. Lol what a mess huh? How would you go about talking about the slowdown thing with her? I know it feels like you all are holding my hand through this but I just need it as my mind doesn't feel quite right as of now
hppr Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I'm the same way, all my relationships were horrible up until my current one which has been pretty good yet I still wait for the other shoe to drop and something horrible to happen. Really it is all in your head. As far as your happy pills go, you may as well tell her just because she's gonna find out anyways.
Chief Wiggum Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 (edited) Sounds like you made out alright man! Haha glad to hear it has worked out for you. I think if I haven't been so depressed id have slowed it down sooner as she's too intense for me right now. I feel she has pushed me away somewhat and have a lot of pressure bc we were fixed up by family and we are the perfect match. Can I repair this? I just worry about it freaking her out it I suddenly tell her things have moved to fast. I really want the relationship to work obviously but im just so anxious and also feel like she relies a lot on me which is added pressure. And then I start worrying that since I'm depressed she'll leave me. Lol what a mess huh? How would you go about talking about the slowdown thing with her? I know it feels like you all are holding my hand through this but I just need it as my mind doesn't feel quite right as of now Right, basically, dude, the next time she brings up the topic of marriage and stuff, I'd play it like this.... "Hey, I know all of that is really important to you at the moment -- and it most definitely is to me too -- but I think for the time being we don't really need to be stressing ourselves with that kind of stuff. I love spending time with you and getting to learn new things about you, and I really wanna' enjoy this phase of the relationship to its fullest. I feel it would be healthier for us this way. If we're constantly talking about serious things, we're not letting our relationship runs its natural course and develop the way it's supposed to" So, in your plea to slow things down, you're still assuring her that you really like her and that you wanna' be with her. You can word it in your own way and execute it in a manner that you know she'd take it well. Out of curiosity, are there pressures from your family too? You know, those that have set you up? Are they, like, expecting you to get hitched up or something? Edited May 13, 2013 by Chief Wiggum 1
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