chocolatefountain83 Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 This is such a difficult and painful situation and I really just don't know what to do. I met my husband when I was backpacking in Asia, he's Vietnamese. After a month of what we both thought was just a holiday romance, I discovered I was pregnant. Rather than being scared or worried we were both really excited about the news as we thought we were falling in love. We told my parents, they were surprised but happy for us. During my pregnant he was so kind and caring for me, I felt truly blessed that I'd managed to find such a wonderful partner and we both truly loved each other. I told him i was really missing my family in europe, he understood and said he'd move to europe for me (he didn't really want to as he had to leave behind all his friends, family and business). So after our daughter was born we decided to get married in order to do the visa. Around this time his 2 year old daughter who he had adopted with his ex wife came to live with us permanently. When we moved to europe a few months later all the problems started. His confidence was blown when he couldn't find a job and we started arguing, him naming me for being here and how he misses his home. I never forced him to move and we had both agreed schools and healthcare are so much better here which is so important when you have kids. Eventually he found cash in hand work at all vietnamese nail salon, which he was always complaining about as he'd always been his own boss. I offered to work and he stay home with the kids, he refused and said he needed to work. Now we've put all our money into setting him up self employed and he's enjoying it more. The problem is we've been here and year now and he's not made any friends, and he's so lonely. He lashes out at me which he never did back in vietnam. He's threatened to leave me on numerous occasions, saying he doesn't love me anymore, he hates me, he's not attracted to me anymore. I then beg him to stay for the kids as I know if he and his daughter (now 4) went back to vietnam our 1 year old and I would never see them again. Our family would be split in half and I don't want that to happen. He's so mean and rude to me but I can't help but feel its the situation that makes him like that, not me, but he's adament its me. He disrespects me and swears at me in public and in front of the children and it's getting worse and worse. We have no romantic time together as I don't have family near to help us out. He haven't had a date together since we've had kids. We both realise we need to make more of an effort but it feels like we're pretending. I lived him so very much a year ago, now he's put my heart through so much by all he's said to me and threatened to do, my feelings towards him have changed. If we had no kids in would have already left. But I don't want to split up our family, I love my daughter more than anything and don't want to take her father from her. We could try therapy but have no one to look after the kids for us. Both our lives have changed do quickly, its almost been too much. Please let me know what I should do. I believe if he's happier he'll be kinder and I'll fall in love with him again.
TigerCub Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I'm sorry you're in so much pain and you feel trapped. You initiated this move to Europe because that's where you're from - so why don't you have any family near by? It just seems weird because you're from there, you wanted this move, he moved for you but you moved somewhere where you don't even have family or what seems like a support system? I can understand his frustration and how he feels he gave up so much,he's in a new place, struggling to find work he likes, to make friends - he changed a lot for you and I can see why there is a bit of resentment on his part BUT...I will say, it was his choice and he shouldn't blame you for it. I have to admit that your post kind of made me mad. I don't understand why people beg someone to stay. If he's saying that he doesn't love you, he actually hates you, he doesn't want to be in your life - what do you think your begging and guilting him to stay is really going to accomplish? You also say that you worry about how if he leaves he will never come back to see his daughter and so you beg him to stay for your daughter - that's so sad. If he couldn't care less about seeing his own child, that's on him and you're not doing your kid any favors by "keeping" him in her life. If he doesn't want his own daughter - f**k him!! He can go to hell! Yes, maybe if things were better he would be kinder and you guys might be happier, but it is what it is and he seems to have given up. Don't beg, don't plead. We all make choices. He made a choice to move to Europe and it's not panning out and things are falling apart. You made a choice to have a kid with someone you barely knew. Own you choices and be prepared to raise your daughter on your own. How is it healthy for her to grow up in a family where dad constantly yells and demeans mom and keeps on threatening to walk out? That's terrible! That's damaging to her. If you can't find some kind of counseling (to give it one last shot) - then whatever, end it, survive on your own and be the best mom you can be.
denise_xo Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I'm sorry you're in this position. Unfortunately, a lot of elements in your story are quite common for international/ intercultural couples. I think at this point, you have to think hard about what is best for your child. Being raised by you alone might be a lot healthier for her than seeing her mother being lashed out at regularly. Don't underestimate what both of these kids are "learning" from a negative home atmosphere. It sounds like, on average, all four of you might be better off in the long run if your husband restarts his life in Vietnam. Could your daughter not go visit once a year? I have some friends with one parent in another country, and that's what they do - clearly not ideal, but sometimes the best option out of several imperfect alternatives. 3
Mr. Lucky Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I'm sorry you're in this position. Unfortunately, a lot of elements in your story are quite common for international/ intercultural couples. I think at this point, you have to think hard about what is best for your child. Being raised by you alone might be a lot healthier for her than seeing her mother being lashed out at regularly. Don't underestimate what both of these kids are "learning" from a negative home atmosphere. It sounds like, on average, all four of you might be better off in the long run if your husband restarts his life in Vietnam. Could your daughter not go visit once a year? I have some friends with one parent in another country, and that's what they do - clearly not ideal, but sometimes the best option out of several imperfect alternatives. I have to agree. It was probably a mistake to marry someone you only knew for a month as that limerence period in a tropical setting is quite different than the realities of married life back home. And sometimes, having made a mistake, it's best to cut your losses and start over... Mr. Lucky
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