renee123 Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I am new to this site and this is my very first posting, so please forgive me if I sound redundant. I have read quite a few postings about people being devastated after a breakup, and not knowing how to move on etc. My situation is a bit different from most others. I met a much older man last year. He was more than double my age, to be exact. I was 29 at the time. I know that's a huge age gap, and I had never dated someone so much older before, but I wanted to give it a chance. We had an instant connection. The thing is that he is extremely wealthy, and people were quick to label it a "sugardaddy" type of arrangement, which it most definitely was not. Yes, he paid for me and I got to experience some grandiose things with him, but it was so much more than that. I just felt so comfortable with him. He made me laugh, treated me with respect, and actually cared about what I had to say. He was a great listener and I respected him a lot, as he had accomplished many things in his life. Things moved very quickly between us. After our second date, he was telling people that I was his girlfriend. He was really into me physically, but he also appreciated that I was well-educated and doing something with my life. I was not instantly physically attracted to him, but he grew on me. Once I got to know him as a person, he became so beautiful to me. I come from a very old-fashioned, traditional family, so I had to keep our relationship a secret from them because I knew the backlash would be bad. I was very unsure of our relationship from the get-go because of comments made by other people. I know you shouldn't care what other people say, but I couldn't help it. I was uncomfortable with our age gap, and in the back of my head I knew that it would be an uphill struggle for us to maintain our relationship. Still, I never ended things. We had a great connection, I just can't explain it. He made me very happy. However, with such a huge age gap there are bound to be issues, more specifically, generational differences. He had expectations of me to behave a certain way. I was too "wild" and "crazy" and I know it made him very uncomfortable. We had some problems within the first month, but we both liked each other a lot so we held on. I cheated on him by the third month, with one of his female friends. He was very upset and hurt, and was sitting on the fence about breaking up with me. I cheated on him again within a few weeks, with another one of his male friends. We didn't have sex, but kissing is still wrong. He found out and broke it off with me. He was very angry and hurt, and I deserved it. I don't know why I did what I did. I think I was scared of my feelings for him, so I attempted to self-sabotage our relationship. At the same time, I feel like that is just an excuse for me to rationalize my disgusting behaviour. Alcohol was always a major factor, and it definitely played a part in the cheating. However, I take full responsibility for my actions, because even if I was drunk it was still my decision to do what I did. You can only blame the alcohol for so much. I was devastated after our break-up and tried to get him to reconsider, but he was (rightfully) very upset and wasn't hearing any of it. We didn't speak for a month. I contacted him again and we slowly started talking again. He agreed to see me and we did. We talked and kissed...and had some intimacy. After that day, we started talking more regularly and I knew that he still wanted to be with me. He invited me over to his home a month later and we had sex. He admitted to me that he had missed me a lot over the past few months and that he couldn't stop thinking about me. We were pretty much back together. However, it was very short-lived. I chose to go out that same night with a friend of mine and get ridiculously drunk. We chose to drink and drive and just act a fool. He broke it off with me again because he said that I hadn't changed at all and that my reckless behaviour was out of control. He was afraid of getting hurt by me again, and said that I lacked the maturity that he was looking for at his age. I was devastated again. We didn't speak much for a month. I contacted him early in the new year, and we chatted on the phone. He told me that he thought about me a lot, but that he was trying to move on with his life and date others. He didn't feel that our relationship was healthy for him, as it was so back and forth etc. We texted a bit over the next month or two. I missed him so much and cried a lot. I decided that I needed to get it all out on paper so I just started writing. I ended up writing him a long letter, explaining everything that had happened and how I felt about him. He said my letter was beautiful and he was very touched that I wrote it. We saw each other again shortly after that. He was very affectionate with me, and couldn't keep his hands to himself (that has always been the case). We talked and it was really nice to see him and spend time with him again. We kissed and did a few other things, but didn't have sex because there wasn't enough time. He told me he was seeing a few women casually, and even sleeping with one. I was hurt, but I understood. He told me that I should try dating someone younger, but I stubbornly said no, that I only wanted him. He clearly told me that he still liked me and would always be physically attracted to me, but that he didn't think I was the one for him. He admitted that I had hurt him too many times, and that he truly believed that I would continue to hurt him if we got back together again. I was very angry and upset because on one hand I felt like he was pulling me in, and on the other hand it felt like he was pushing me away. I know he was confused about his feelings, because what I did to him was awful, but I didn't understand why he would even still agree to see me or talk to me. He tried to make it appear that he was trying to move on with his life, yet he wanted to kiss me and be close with me. I left his house that day feeling very upset. I messaged him later that day and said some very nasty things. He didn't deserve it, but I was just so hurt that I let my emotions get the best of me. I lashed out at him. We haven't spoken or seen each other in three months. I deleted his number from my phone and told him to do the same. I know he still has my number because a month ago he accidentally pocket-dialled me. I think about him every day. I miss him so much. He was a big part of my life, and I loved talking to him. I have many other men asking me out and wanting to date me, but I always find some excuse not to. My heart just wont let go. I know it sounds silly, but I just know that he will reach out to me within the next few months. I know our whole relationsip is messed up, but I can't help how I am feeling. I guess I am just feeling so conflicted because I am the one who cheated time and again. I am the one who hurt him. I am the one who ****ed up. I just don't know where to go from here. Everyone has told me to move on, forget him, let him go..but as much as I try, I just cannot get him out of my head...or my heart. I am very confused and sad right now, because I don't want to put the key to my happiness in anyone else's pocket...and that is exactly what is happening right now. Any input would be greatly appreciated...
316 Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 No offense but you cheated on the guy twice so you kinda had this coming to you... Learn from this breakup so you don't end up making the same mistakes or else you'll end up with the same result. But in terms of this current relationship it's pretty much as good as done. You need to go NC for good and work on yourself... Your heart will work itself out with time. Keep posting here whenever you need to vent. Oh but next time please use paragraphs please!
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