esstee Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Hi guys, wondering if you could give me some insight into what I should do about my boyfriend's bad communication behaviour. So been going out with this wonderful guy for 1 month officially, 3 months dating prior....we were friends before, so I have known him since last year. He is so wonderful and intelligent and we are so compatible its ridiculous. However, one factor is really bugging me and indicating to me I should end it...his communication skills. His communication has always ALWAYS been dodgy, when we were friends for example he'd just forget to reply to texts. He does this now but now its to the point where he ignores Facebook messages and texts when he has seen them, and even ignores my suggestions to hang out. I feel like he doesn't want to talk/see me. I'm taking this as 'he's just not into you' and thinking, ok, well, if you don't want to treat me right...your loss, I am a vibrant, positive, very happy girl in love with life and so a guy for me is just a bonus, not a necessity...whoever died of a dating deficiency am I right?? ;D But at the same time we are so compatible I'd be willing to put in the effort...question is would he be. So my question to you all. Should I confront him, ina non-aggressive manner, about this? I do not want to play games. I do not want to 'pull back' as thats not myself...and I firmly believe in being yourself at all costs. I pull back naturally, of course, as I associate myself only with positive people, but in the end I woiuld like to confront him about this. Its not fair and I deserve at least an EXPLANATION as to why he is being like this (I know he has been under a great deal of stress lately, and I have been INCREDIBLY supportive, but I would like to know if this is still 'stress' or him thinking 'meh'.) He is a wonderful, loving person and I would never think badly of him; I would wish him all the best. But we gotta do what we gotta do for ourselves, even if that means letting those who you love go.
salparadise Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I think bringing it up for discussion in a non-contentious manner is exactly the thing to do. Here's the way to make it work... make all of your statements "I" statements. "When I don't receive a response, I feel..." and avoid prefacing it with "when you." It completely avoids the antagonism of right-wrong, good-bad, and focuses on how it makes you feel (which can't be disputed), and then you ask respectfully if he is willing to make you feel better. There is protocol with regard to a response being required, but timing seems to be variable, depending on context, relationship, precedent, etc. My suggestion would be to focus on text messages (quit thinking of FB as a primary medium). If he agrees to return texts promptly, then just stick to that when you expect a prompt reply. 1
therhythm Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I think bringing it up for discussion in a non-contentious manner is exactly the thing to do. Here's the way to make it work... make all of your statements "I" statements. "When I don't receive a response, I feel..." and avoid prefacing it with "when you." It completely avoids the antagonism of right-wrong, good-bad, and focuses on how it makes you feel (which can't be disputed), and then you ask respectfully if he is willing to make you feel better. There is protocol with regard to a response being required, but timing seems to be variable, depending on context, relationship, precedent, etc. My suggestion would be to focus on text messages (quit thinking of FB as a primary medium). If he agrees to return texts promptly, then just stick to that when you expect a prompt reply. This advise is pure gold! Best advise you will get!
Author esstee Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 Thank you for the wonderful advice! I get so many mixed messages from him. I think he deeply cares for me but is unsure whether he can meet my needs, but this discussion will either a) bring us closer, encourage him to talk more, make our partnership stronger or b) result in a break up, yes - but will mean I can invest energy in my lived ones, positive people, and at the age of 19 love single life!!!! either way, I win!
pcplod Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 You say he is wonderful and you are both compatible part from this one 'small' (my emphasis) matter of communication. I say large red flag. There is a distinction to be made between being unable to communicate and being unwilling to communicate, but in the end, in terms of practical outcome, it may make no difference. If he is unable to communicate effectively with others and you will see signs of that in his overall willingness and ability to communicate not just with you but just about anybody, then your relationship is doomed. In fact, any relationship he enters into will be doomed. If he is unwilling to communicate with you, but is willing and ready to communicate with others whether that be friends or family, then you, and indeed he, have to figure out why that is. Is it something within either of your characters that creates a stress, a strain between you when issues come to a crunch or whether it is the nature of the relationship between you that he finds difficult or impossible to deal with. No matter what the cause, you may have to accept that the situation will not improve. The main reason for that is that the primary opportunity to deal with an ability and willingness to communicate occurs during childhood development and although it is possible for any particular individual to 'catch up', figuratively-speaking, it seems in practical terms that is rare for it to actually happen. Individuals seem to find it difficult to come to terms with the fact that they either have the problem or that they are going to have to face it and deal with it. Their natural inclination is to either deny it, resist it, or effectively run away from it. They seem to fear the loss of the relationship less than having to deal with the anxiety and stress of actually doing something about it. Does that seem crazy to you? In any event, the best of luck to you, you may well need it. Whatever you do, don't ignore what your head tells you in favour of giving into your heart. Many people, both men and women, make that mistake in the hope or expectation that somehow things will improve long-term, usually after marriage, because then there will be no other obvious choice for their wayward partner other than to deal with it. Unfortunately, many accept, sometimes decades later, after children have grown, that their marriages have been very lonely places for them, even lonelier than staying single would have been.
Chief Wiggum Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 In the past, I've been scorned for "lack of communication", too. It's not that we're not into you or anything, it's just that us guys aren't hard-wired to immediately respond to every message we get. Yes, even from our girlfriends! But it does depend on how often you message him and what the nature of those messages are. Also how often you seem him throughout the day/week. Quite often I've never immediately responded to texts -- if they weren't urgent -- if I was gonna' see or speak to her later anyway. Honestly, by the sounds of it, your fella' seems like any other normal boyfriend out there. We suck at replying. Edit: oh, and I have to say, some girls just message a lot. I mean a hell of a lot.
Author esstee Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 Thanks guys for everything, its so appreciated. We've always been a 'different' couple in the sense we talk and see each other less than others but it works...but I feel in this instance neglect. The funny thing is I still love him inspite of all these things but I know I come first and if it means having to let go of him to be happy then so be it. I will love him regardless but its my happiness at stake here! But lets see what happens when I chat to him
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