SaltwaterHeart Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Hi everyone, I have been lurking around here for ages, especially in this sub-forum, and have finally decided to join. Me and my love have been together for a year now. We met and spent 4 months in the same city and then went extreme long distance (15 hrs by plane ) due to a once-in-a-lifetime job offer I had accepted before meeting him. We have seen each other twice since I left. However, we will be much closer in September as I am returning for a one year post-grad degree (1h by plane). He has about two years of study left in the town where we first met, so we will definitely be long distance for about another year and a half, even if not as extreme as now. Despite distance obviously being a b*, we are doing quite well. However, we are very different in a crucial point: He is a very focused and down-to-earth person with realistic ambitions that are far from glamorous. He enjoys travelling, but has never left our home country for a longer period of time and isn't really planning on doing so. He is deeply rooted there and his career is extremely nationally focussed, if that makes any sense. He can't really work in any other country without enormous difficulties. I on the other hand have only recently started to develop a clear idea of what I actually want to work in. I was raised bilingual, have multiple citizenships, and have studied and worked in five different countries until now. I love it, but I'd love a place to call my own, something non-temporary. Obviously I haven't really mapped out my life, but I do have a few places I'd still like to see and maybe stay a while. The thought of going back to my home country with no possibility of leaving ever again makes me feel.. trapped. As you can see, we are obviously not compatible at all in this particular area, which makes me extremely sad because I love him beyond words. Ironically, though I am the one with "itchy feet", I seem to suffer more from the distance than he does. He is a very stable person and I am much more emotionally susceptible. He is always being sweet about all of it, telling me I have wings and that you need to let birds fly freely, but I can see a real problem here. Maybe I am just too unsure about what my plan is, and things will fall into place by themselves, but right now I really see different priorities. I'm just wondering if we'll ever end up in the same place. I am sorry this turned out to be so long... What do you think about it all? How can I even begin planning with another person if I don't even have an idea about my own plans? How much should one be sacrifice for the sake of being together in the end? I'd love to hear your thoughts, don't spare me Any input is appreciated!
LittleTiger Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Hi SaltwaterHeart, welcome to LS Your situation does sound like a difficult one if you were thinking about planning a long term future together. The truth is, no matter how much you love each other, if you want different things in life, your relationship is unlikely to work out long term. I think the most stable relationships tend to be between people who have decided, very clearly, what they want in the future, and they are both working towards the same goals. It is impossible for anybody but you to decide whether this relationship is worth sacrificing your desire to 'fly'. I suspect that, at this point in your life, you would only resent your boyfriend if you 'trapped' yourself in a place you didn't want to be, even if it was essentially your choice. I hope you manage to gain more clarity soon.
missunshine Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 One of you will have to sacrifice. You know that, right? And if you are not ready to settle down yet, I don't think there is a reason why you should be thinking of this right now. But if you are thinking of settling down, you have to talk to him and come to a conclusion of who, where and when. And don't postpone the decision. I hate postponing decisions cause then you are just stuck in a place from which you are gonna have to get out anyway and why waste time when you can finish it sooner. And then, after you decide what to do, you will move towards that goal. But in either cases, one of you will have to give up their usual way of life.
justwhoiam Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 He is a very focused and down-to-earth person with realistic ambitions that are far from glamorous. You need some guy with a glamorous career? Is that what counts most for you? Have you really thought carefully what a man very focused on his career would be like? You'd probably have a marginal role in his life... He enjoys travelling, but has never left our home country for a longer period of time and isn't really planning on doing so. Are you talking of a sabbatic year or what? Or a leap into the unknown? What exactly? Can a guy be cool to you without that? He is deeply rooted there and his career is extremely nationally focussed, if that makes any sense. He can't really work in any other country without enormous difficulties. He sounds like a perfect family man... with not many flights of fancy. But that doesn't necessarily make him a boring man. I on the other hand have only recently started to develop a clear idea of what I actually want to work in. I was raised bilingual, have multiple citizenships, and have studied and worked in five different countries until now. I love it, but I'd love a place to call my own, something non-temporary. Obviously I haven't really mapped out my life, but I do have a few places I'd still like to see and maybe stay a while. The thought of going back to my home country with no possibility of leaving ever again makes me feel.. trapped. It looks like you're putting the cart before the horse. I work in an international environment too. I like traveling and I need to do that both for my work and for pleasure, for personal growth, etc. This never spoiled my relationships so far, and I guess I'm not as young as you are. There were cases where we just shared the excitement to visit another country, and others where he was skeptical about the country being worth a visit, but every time he had to reverse his judgement. So don't underestimate that. One thing is working abroad for an extended time, and one thing is traveling abroad whenever you feel like. I think the latter is more viable if you want a family, a permanent place to stay at, roots, etc. If your job allows you to work anywhere you want, that option will never be ruled out for you, should you break up with him one day.
Author SaltwaterHeart Posted May 18, 2013 Author Posted May 18, 2013 Many thanks everyone! I realise we have to meet somewhere in the middle, and am willing to sacrifice. It's just that I've never been in this situation before and I'm scared. Compromise is obviously necessary, but how much is too much and how little is too little? You need some guy with a glamorous career? Is that what counts most for you? Have you really thought carefully what a man very focused on his career would be like? You'd probably have a marginal role in his life... No, that was not what I meant. (He actually has a pretty time-consuming career making things slightly difficult but that's beside the point..) I meant to say that he's a pretty realistic guy while I tend to dream big and sometimes make plans that don't really work out in the end.. Are you talking of a sabbatic year or what? Or a leap into the unknown? What exactly? Can a guy be cool to you without that? He sounds like a perfect family man... with not many flights of fancy. But that doesn't necessarily make him a boring man. I was thinking of a couple of years in different places I find interesting or that a special to me for personal/family reasons. It's not about him being cool, more like those are little dreams of mine that I'm not sure I can act on whithout risking to lose him in the long run. You are right, I absolutely see him being the perfect family man (in a few years time though, as he is rather young still ) and I don't find him boring at all. It's just that his plans in life are pretty concrete compared to mine, and that scares me. I like traveling and I need to do that both for my work and for pleasure, for personal growth, etc. This never spoiled my relationships so far, and I guess I'm not as young as you are. There were cases where we just shared the excitement to visit another country, and others where he was skeptical about the country being worth a visit, but every time he had to reverse his judgement. So don't underestimate that. But what would you do if they weren't willing to travel with you, for instance?
Njeanne Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Have you talked with him about it? How can you know for certain he wouldn't travel with you, no one can predict the future, and people do change. It is possible in 5 years, that you would become a different type of person since clearly you are still in a phase where change is possible, while he pretty much knows. Put the things you wrote here, into perspective with him instead.
justwhoiam Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Compromise is obviously necessary, but how much is too much and how little is too little? When you have to compromise a lot at a very early stage, maybe you're not a good match. And I would be very careful talking about "sacrifice". Some things shouldn't be perceived as sacrifice. Life can be long and you could face really hard times imposing real sacrifices. I was thinking of a couple of years in different places I find interesting or that a special to me for personal/family reasons. I don't know your personal situation, but at times this kind of choices can affect your finances and the course of your life. You need to sustain yourself for two years abroad, with the chance you won't be able to save any money. Then you return "home" or decide to settle somewhere and you need to start from scratch. We are facing a general economic crisis, and you might be out of work for quite some time. Or be forced to accept some low paid job. Unless - as I said - you can do your job wherever, whenever. Or unless you have a very rich family supporting you whatever happens. Then you can travel around the world for years and have fun. It's just that his plans in life are pretty concrete compared to mine, and that scares me. Just keep in mind that - generally speaking - men are more concrete than women, especially workwise. They have goals depending on their age as to what they need (car, house, etc.) I don't think it's bad, and it creates some balance. At times two dreamers together are not a good match. But what would you do if they weren't willing to travel with you, for instance? Never happened. Willing?! When you're in love, you do anything... I guess you just need to get comfortable with the fact that you can be away for 3 weeks at a time, max one month. I traveled mainly around Europe, but also to countries outside Europe. The only hassle was matching his time off work with my time off work, so that means our respective bosses had to agree letting us go when we wanted to. If you arrange duly in advance, it's feasible and you'll have a great time and travel wherever you want. Let's say that a good job for both will allow you to travel as you need.
FitChick Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Once you both are through with school and have jobs, what is wrong with living in the same place and taking two or three holidays during the year? I like to travel but I also like having a home base. Is he afraid to leave his country at all? Unlikely. As long as you plan vacations doing things he likes to do in a place you want to go. Win-win. 2
Author SaltwaterHeart Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 Thanks everyone! Your advice got me thinking I might just be stuck in my own head here. I talked to him and it actually seems he is more flexible than I had initially thought. I myself might just be a little scared of saying goodbye to my usual policy of keeping absolutely all options open, future-wise. However, you can't continue like that forever, even if you're not in an LDR.. Right now we are discussing different options of how we could "meet in the middle", and I'm confident! Thanks again for your insights, it was a great start to the boards, I'll be around 1
Recommended Posts