Author Crushedwife Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 Do you? Do you want him home every day? Do you intend to spend all your time and energy BUILDING a life WITH him instead of a life without him? Are you prepared to spend all your time getting interested in HIS life? Since he's been absent and invisible for years - how are you prepared to now make life and your marriage ALL ABOUT HIM - the man you eliminated long ago? It's not fair for him to do this now. I'm used to my lifestyle and I'm too old to find someone else. He should have said something instead of keeping it to himself. I deserve a chance to make it better. It doesn't make financial sense. Maybe it's a midlife crisis. I've been trying to thank him for what he does and show appreciation. I'm willing to recapture the sexual part of our marriage.
KraftDinner Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Do you? Do you want him home every day? Do you intend to spend all your time and energy BUILDING a life WITH him instead of a life without him? Are you prepared to spend all your time getting interested in HIS life? Since he's been absent and invisible for years - how are you prepared to now make life and your marriage ALL ABOUT HIM - the man you eliminated long ago? I'm confused as to why you seem to have so much hostility toward this poster. A lot of assumptions are being made. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 He meets my needs by being a good provider. Why not give him the divorce he seems to want and let him continue to support you through alimony/child support? No muss, no fuss and no unwanted sex... Mr. Lucky 3
2sunny Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I'm confused as to why you seem to have so much hostility toward this poster. A lot of assumptions are being made. Huh? She's essentially given evidence that her H has had no importance in her M except for his paycheck. What's hostile about pointing out to her why most men wouldn't accept that as a happy marriage? She spent years ignoring him as an integral and important part of the family unit... You think I should say that's what happy looks like? I'm an honest gal - I don't pretend to lie about what most would find miserable. 2
2sunny Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 It's not fair for him to do this now. I'm used to my lifestyle and I'm too old to find someone else. He should have said something instead of keeping it to himself. I deserve a chance to make it better. It doesn't make financial sense. Maybe it's a midlife crisis. I've been trying to thank him for what he does and show appreciation. I'm willing to recapture the sexual part of our marriage. How do you plan to do that when he will no longer touch you, talk to you and see you?
Author Crushedwife Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 How do you plan to do that when he will no longer touch you, talk to you and see you? I don't know. He says he moving out into an apartment. I'm trying to stop it.
M30USA Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 (edited) Here's the summary of your marriage: Your needs are being met, his arent. How would you feel if he met zero of your needs (including financial security) and merely came home, expected you to routinely have sex with him, and expected you to be okay with this? I don't even need to hear your answer. Edited May 13, 2013 by M30USA
cozycottagelg Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 It's not fair for him to do this now. I'm used to my lifestyle and I'm too old to find someone else. He should have said something instead of keeping it to himself. I deserve a chance to make it better. It doesn't make financial sense. Maybe it's a midlife crisis. I've been trying to thank him for what he does and show appreciation. I'm willing to recapture the sexual part of our marriage. I feel like this will be my husbands exact reasoning for wanting me to stay.
M30USA Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 (edited) Unfortunately most marriages in this sad world are not balanced. Givers usually find takers; takers usually find givers. Manipulators usually find naive people; and vice versa. Exceptions are rare--as evidenced by the high divorce rate and endless complaints such as the OP. Edited May 13, 2013 by M30USA
2sunny Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 For some people - when they say they are done - they are just completely finished. He may not have told you over the years directly - but did he give you little clues along the way (subtle words, perhaps)? And what did the marriage counselor have to say about your relationship? Did you both DO what was suggested when you went for help? What was the event that got you started with counseling? That was a red flag something was wrong - most couples don't go because the m is good - they have usually acknowledged that things need to change. What changed when you went and asked for help?
Mr. Lucky Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I don't know. He says he moving out into an apartment. I'm trying to stop it. I'm not being disingenuous, I'm sincerely asking - why ??? What value do you see - other than financial - in keeping your marriage intact? Mr. Lucky
GuyInLimbo Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Yes but he never told me he was so unhappy. I've been busy raising kids and working. Why won't he give me a chance? He says he's done. He must be having an affair. Why won't he admit it? Whoa whoa whoa...Time out here. You just said you have no interest in sex. But you think a GUY is going to stay with you? Get real. Sorry, but affair or not, I don't really blame him. No guy is ever happy with that. Period. And it doesn't mean he's having an affair. I'm not having an affair and I have zero interest in my wife right now. But I'm waiting til things are done and over with before moving on. M30 is spot on. And when someone's needs aren't being met for long enough, that's pretty much a done deal. The love isn't coming back. I think you've had your head in the sand for too long.
GuyInLimbo Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I suggest you stop accusing him of having an affair and go into stealth investigative mode to find out the truth. This is your life and you have a right to find out the truth. Monitoring software on his computer and his phone? A voice activated recorder in the car? Maybe hire a PI? A GPS on his vehicle. A man who travels has the perfect alibi for an affair. Most men do not leave their marriages without a backup plan. Oh, BULLSH*T. What is the point of this? The guy is done. He told her why. If he's having an affair, it's irrelevant, IMO. Who wants to be married to someone who's essentially asexual? On top of that, what kind of life does this turn into? A life of suspicion and sneaking around. Be the bigger person here and don't listen to this James Bond-like garbage. It serves no purpose.
2sunny Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Most times - when a person is THAT done - that they don't want to see or talk any longer to the spouse - its just been over a long time. Is it fair? No... But many things aren't fair. It may be best to file D papers and claim the money he's going to have to pay you.
ver13 Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 My husband and I have been married for over twenty years and have three children. My youngest is 16. A few weeks ago, he told me he hasn't been happy for years and wants out. He travels a lot for work and we spend our limited time talking about our children but I had no idea he was headed for this. He denies another woman is involved but I can't see how he would ruin our lives for anything else. He is not ruining your lives if he truly doesn't want to live with you anymore. What he is doing is making your lives better by moving on if the relationship issues can't be resolved. In the long run it is better for everyone. $$$ is important but piece of mind is paramount... I'm so worried about what will become of my family. He makes a lot more money than me. I've never had to worry about money and now I will. I've begged him, promised to make him happy, have sex, etc. Went went to marriage counseling separately and together but he just keeps saying he wants out. My children will be devastated. What else can I do? He says we have nothing in common anymore. He said I nag him too much and have no interest in him. We don't have sex but I thought he had learned to accept it. I gained weight over the years and am not a really sexual person. Unless there is a serious health issue that would prevent this I don't see how you would assume that he would just accept it. If you don't want to havesex with him anymore why should he stay M to you. Just to support you in your lifestyle, he can pay child support just as easily and find someone whom will provide the full package. He must be having an affair. Why won't he admit it? He maybe having one the core issues are not the affair it's the state of your personal relationship physically and emotionally. He travels a lot for work so most of that falls to me. He is actively involved when he's home. He meets my needs by being a good provider. But you are not meeting his needs as a good life partner, someone that you are interested in having a intimate relationship with. I thought most men don't leave their wife for affairs. He will lose a lot financially in a divorce. He said he knows that and will be more than fair. Would sex really be worth that? Men and women will leave relationships for AP if the M looks like it can't be repaired. Your H may loss some $$$ but in the end it buy's him some piece of mind and someone that truly love's him and will make love with him it'a a win win solution. He should stay for his children and me. We've built a life together. He did say all he was to me was a money machine. He should not just stay for the kids if he doesn't love you anymore and you shouldn't want him too. The fact that he sees you as a woman who only wants him around for the $$$ say's a lot about where he see's your relationship going in the long run. Put that together with no intimacy it may appear to him that you are just using him because he is a GOOD PROVIDER not a loving companion. I told him I wanted to have sex with him. I'll do anything to make it work. I've apologized for being a bad wife but I didn't know he was unhappy. What did you assume that just because you where getting your lifestyle needs met that he was satisfied? M is about two way communication both verbal and non-verbal. After this long with your H and no physical intimacy you had to have seen some clues. Oh yeah you thought that he had just excepted the no sex part of living together. Since affairs are about sex, wouldn't more men leave their wives? Most affairs are not about sex they are about everything else but that. Lack of communication, intimacy, self esteem, neglect etc... If your H is having one based off what you have posted here it's not just the SEX. That's untrue. I love him. Shouldn't he have told me he wasn't happy? He takes care of me and is my security in every way. That's not just money. Yes he has been taking care of you and you have been neglecting a very important part of your relationship. Physical intimacy has to be maintained by both partners it's how we bond to one another. Right now your M is more a house mate relationship where one of you foots the bills and the other takes care of the house. It's not fair for him to do this now. I'm used to my lifestyle and I'm too old to find someone else. He should have said something instead of keeping it to himself. I deserve a chance to make it better. It doesn't make financial sense. You seem to be very focused on you and $$$n, not n what are the core issues of why he feels the need to get out of the M. Maybe it's a midlife crisis. I've been trying to thank him for what he does and show appreciation. I'm willing to recapture the sexual part of our marriage. You may be willing now but sometimes we can wait to long to address intimacy issues and it way to late when we do for the other person. I don't know. He says he moving out into an apartment. I'm trying to stop it. Why are you trying to stop him
revitup Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Wow,Just read this for the first time.This seems like an easy one. A woman or man who won't kiss their spouse.....shouldn't be mad when someone else kisses them! Reading the first post,it says "I promised to have sex with him"? Promised? Knowing he hasn't had any in a long while.....you could have had the sex quicker than making the promise! It appears from the number of times that you use "I" and "my", you may have entitlement issues and are only interested in what he can give you financially,socially and the appearance of having a "family". He has checked out and you are about to reap what you have sown my friend.As a man it is clear ,to me anyway,that he kept quiet,likely because he knew he could never win a debate about it, with you (IMO). Would you stay with you? REVITUP 1
2sunny Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 I hope you post again. I also hope that you consider therapy for your perspective on what your marriage has been - and understanding why that would be unacceptable to another human being. He must feel used. If you address your intimacy issues you could learn about yourself. You could learn what healthy communication and being one with the person you're married to looks like. A healthy M doesn't look like a husband who stays mostly away - comes homes to nagging and no solid time to reconnect and no sex. I don't know anyone personally that would find that half way adequate. I'm wondering why you thought that should be enough for him for all these years? He's been a belittled workhorse to you - with no treats even tossed his way - how sad for him. You've acted like he's an intrusion on your life - that's not right. He doesn't want your obligatory sex now - he wanted YOU to WANT and DESIRE HIM years ago - but you didn't bother to make it a priority. You grow a garden - if you don't tend to it - water it - keep the weeds out - shoo the bugs and critters away - it will die! This is essentially what happened in your marriage - you stopped tending to your husbands needs, wants and desires. The garden is dead and at this point you can't revive it. If its all about you - you will live a very lonely life. 2
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