Need

[Crushedwife]

My husband and I have been married for over twenty years and have three children. My youngest is 16.

 

A few weeks ago, he told me he hasn't been happy for years and wants out.

 

He travels a lot for work and we spend our limited time talking about our children but I had no idea he was headed for this. He denies another woman is involved but I can't see how he would ruin our lives for anything else.

 

I'm so worried about what will become of my family. He makes a lot more money than me. I've never had to worry about money and now I will. I've begged him, promised to make him happy, have sex, etc. Went went to marriage counseling separately and together but he just keeps saying he wants out. My children will be devastated.

 

What else can I do?

[M30USA]

My husband and I have been married for over twenty years and have three children. My youngest is 16.

 

A few weeks ago, he told me he hasn't been happy for years and wants out.

 

He travels a lot for work and we spend our limited time talking about our children but I had no idea he was headed for this. He denies another woman is involved but I can't see how he would ruin our lives for anything else.

 

I'm so worried about what will become of my family. He makes a lot more money than me. I've never had to worry about money and now I will. I've begged him, promised to make him happy, have sex, etc. Went went to marriage counseling separately and together but he just keeps saying he wants out. My children will be devastated.

 

What else can I do?

 

What is making him unhappy? Has he said?

 

I can tell you it's not always the case that another woman is involved. There was no other woman for me when I got divorced. My ex obviously thought there was since she demanded me to answer specific questions about it during the discovery process and she even secretly called every number in my phone records to see who they were.

[Crushedwife]

What is making him unhappy? Has he said?

 

I can tell you it's not always the case that another woman is involved. There was no other woman for me when I got divorced. My ex obviously thought there was since she demanded me to answer specific questions about it during the discovery process and she even secretly called every number in my phone records to see who they were.

 

He says we have nothing in common anymore. He said I nag him too much and have no interest in him. We don't have sex but I thought he had learned to accept it. I gained weight over the years and am not a really sexual person.

[M30USA]

He says we have nothing in common anymore. He said I nag him too much and have no interest in him. We don't have sex but I thought he had learned to accept it. I gained weight over the years and am not a really sexual person.

 

Do you believe he is correct in his assessment of the nagging, lack of interest in him, and lack of sex?

[Crushedwife]

Do you believe he is correct in his assessment of the nagging, lack of interest in him, and lack of sex?

 

Yes but he never told me he was so unhappy. I've been busy raising kids and working. Why won't he give me a chance? He says he's done.

 

He must be having an affair. Why won't he admit it?

[M30USA]

Yes but he never told me he was so unhappy. I've been busy raising kids and working. Why won't he give me a chance? He says he's done.

 

He must be having an affair. Why won't he admit it?

 

Has he been raising the kids too? And has this interfered with his ability to meet your needs?

[Crushedwife]

Has he been raising the kids too? And has this interfered with his ability to meet your needs?

 

He travels a lot for work so most of that falls to me. He is actively involved when he's home. He meets my needs by being a good provider.

[2sunny]

You will still have your single need met while divorced - he will have to pay you support money.

 

Since that's all that you require of a husband maybe he got tired of being a needed only for money.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting.

 

Most men want more than that in a marriage.

 

No sex, no common things to do together, not staying emotionally and physically connected would send most folks to the court room.

 

Marriage - to me - is so much more than what you describe.

 

 

I'm left wondering why should he stay? You haven't offered him your mind, body and soul in the partnership... So what's the point if he feels constantly used for money and alone?

[Crushedwife]

I suggest you stop accusing him of having an affair and go into stealth investigative mode to find out the truth. This is your life and you have a right to find out the truth.

 

Monitoring software on his computer and his phone? A voice activated recorder in the car? Maybe hire a PI? A GPS on his vehicle.

 

A man who travels has the perfect alibi for an affair.

 

Most men do not leave their marriages without a backup plan.

 

His computer and phone are locked so I can't do either. He is always cleaning his car so I'd be worried he'd find a recorder. He pays all,the bills and would notice if money was missing for a PI.

 

I thought most men don't leave their wife for affairs. He will lose a lot financially in a divorce. He said he knows that and will be more than fair. Would sex really be worth that?

 

Other than traveling for work, he's mostly home or doing errands like shopping or the gym. He's overweight and bald. I love him but I can't imagine him having an affair.

[Crushedwife]

You will still have your single need met while divorced - he will have to pay you support money.

 

Since that's all that you require of a husband maybe he got tired of being a needed only for money.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting.

 

Most men want more than that in a marriage.

 

No sex, no common things to do together, not staying emotionally and physically connected would send most folks to the court room.

 

Marriage - to me - is so much more than what you describe.

 

I'm left wondering why should he stay? You haven't offered him your mind, body and soul in the partnership... So what's the point if he feels constantly used for money and alone?

 

He should stay for his children and me. We've built a life together. He did say all he was to me was a money machine.

 

I told him I wanted to have sex with him. I'll do anything to make it work. I've apologized for being a bad wife but I didn't know he was unhappy.

[2sunny]

His computer and phone are locked so I can't do either. He is always cleaning his car so I'd be worried he'd find a recorder. He pays all,the bills and would notice if money was missing for a PI.

 

I thought most men don't leave their wife for affairs. He will lose a lot financially in a divorce. He said he knows that and will be more than fair. Would sex really be worth that?

 

Other than traveling for work, he's mostly home or doing errands like shopping or the gym. He's overweight and bald. I love him but I can't imagine him having an affair.

 

Yes, sex is really worth it - especially to men!

[2sunny]

He should stay for his children and me. We've built a life together. He did say all he was to me was a money machine.

 

I told him I wanted to have sex with him. I'll do anything to make it work. I've apologized for being a bad wife but I didn't know he was unhappy.

 

Oh, so now you want to manipulate him with sex? After cruelly with holding sex for years?

 

Why does that sound like a good idea? That's even more cruel!

[Crushedwife]

Yes, sex is really worth it - especially to men!

 

Since affairs are about sex, wouldn't more men leave their wives?

[Crushedwife]

Oh, so now you want to manipulate him with sex? After cruelly with holding sex for years?

 

Why does that sound like a good idea? That's even more cruel!

 

I'm not trying to manipulate him. I'm trying to meet his needs. I don't want to lose him.

 

Why is that cruel? If he gets what he needs.

[2sunny]

I'm not trying to manipulate him. I'm trying to meet his needs. I don't want to lose him.

 

Why is that cruel? If he gets what he needs.

 

It's cruel because you denied him of a basic need for years - and now you're only offering it out of desperation - not because you've wanted all these years to meet his needs.

 

Basically, you've treated him like an invisible husband for years... Except for his money.

 

Now all of a sudden you're going to give sex when he KNOWS you don't want to? Nothing about that is loving behavior... It's designed to change his mind (manipulation).

 

Did he say yes to the sex?

[Crushedwife]

It's cruel because you denied him of a basic need for years - and now you're only offering it out of desperation - not because you've wanted all these years to meet his needs.

 

Basically, you've treated him like an invisible husband for years... Except for his money.

 

Now all of a sudden you're going to give sex when he KNOWS you don't want to? Nothing about that is loving behavior... It's designed to change his mind (manipulation).

 

Did he say yes to the sex?

 

No. He said he didn't want me to touch him at all. No kissing, hugs, or sex.

[2sunny]

He should stay for his children and me. We've built a life together. He did say all he was to me was a money machine.

 

I told him I wanted to have sex with him. I'll do anything to make it work. I've apologized for being a bad wife but I didn't know he was unhappy.

 

The life you described isn't a life "together".

 

You have your perfect life - and you expect his money. That's perfect? You've eliminated your husband - you don't even talk in your first post about anything except being worried you won't have all his money.

 

That's no marriage - that's reducing him to being invisible and nothing more than your bank roll.

 

You've designed your life without him. Don't worry he will have to pay support money.

[2sunny]

No. He said he didn't want me to touch him at all. No kissing, hugs, or sex.

 

It may be too little - too late.

 

If you ignore someone long enough - they will go away.

[Crushedwife]

The life you described isn't a life "together".

 

You have your perfect life - and you expect his money. That's perfect? You've eliminated your husband - you don't even talk in your first post about anything except being worried you won't have all his money.

 

That's no marriage - that's reducing him to being invisible and nothing more than your bank roll.

 

You've designed your life without him. Don't worry he will have to pay support money.

 

That's untrue. I love him. Shouldn't he have told me he wasn't happy? He takes care of me and is my security in every way. That's not just money.

[Crushedwife]

It may be too little - too late.

 

If you ignore someone long enough - they will go away.

 

Do you think he's having an affair?

[whichwayisup]

I think you two really need to reassess everything. Dump the kids at the grandparents for a weekend and GO to a hotel for a few days, a change of scenery.. Or to a bed and breakfast. Talk. About everything, be honest with one another, even if it hurts like hell.

 

You two OBVIOUSLY loved one another a lot at some point in time, you got married, had children, built a life together. What happened? Why did things change? why did you stop liking sex? Why did he shut down? Why do you nag him? Why is he traveling so much?

 

When was the last time you two actually enjoyed each others company? Laughed and had a real fun time?

 

The love is all still there, it's just buried and resentments have built up. You both let "life" get in the way and detached from each other. You stopped being intimate and close, stopped being husband and wife..Instead you are "mom and dad" co parenting now.

 

All this may be OK with you, but it isn't for him. He needs to feel loved, needs to feel like you think he's the hottest thing on earth, he needs to feel needed and desired, cared for and made to feel special as well. and you need that too!

 

Don't give up on each other without really trying hard and giving it your best.

 

Are you happy? You say you've put on weight and don't like sex. Maybe your self esteem has taken a hit, and to you sex and being close doesn't matter.. The thing is, that is what strengthens the glue that holds you two together and separates this as a friend, bro/sister relationship. Nobody wants to be married to 'a friend' or a relative. They want passion and love, fun and sex, as well as a loving and supportive partner.. In and out of bed.

 

Do you love him? Enough to work on yourself and do your best to change? Does he love you? Enough to work on himself and do his best to change?

 

Talk to him.

[2sunny]

Do you think he's having an affair?

 

I have no idea.

 

But some men who feel insignificant in the M will get tempted when someone comes along and makes them feel alive, young again and important. If he feels completely connected to someone new - he may never get focused back on the marriage.

 

Ask him! It's time to communicate honestly!

[Crushedwife]

I think you two really need to reassess everything. Dump the kids at the grandparents for a weekend and GO to a hotel for a few days, a change of scenery.. Or to a bed and breakfast. Talk. About everything, be honest with one another, even if it hurts like hell.

 

You two OBVIOUSLY loved one another a lot at some point in time, you got married, had children, built a life together. What happened? Why did things change? why did you stop liking sex? Why did he shut down? Why do you nag him? Why is he traveling so much?

 

When was the last time you two actually enjoyed each others company? Laughed and had a real fun time?

 

The love is all still there, it's just buried and resentments have built up. You both let "life" get in the way and detached from each other. You stopped being intimate and close, stopped being husband and wife..Instead you are "mom and dad" co parenting now.

 

All this may be OK with you, but it isn't for him. He needs to feel loved, needs to feel like you think he's the hottest thing on earth, he needs to feel needed and desired, cared for and made to feel special as well. and you need that too!

 

Don't give up on each other without really trying hard and giving it your best.

 

Are you happy? You say you've put on weight and don't like sex. Maybe your self esteem has taken a hit, and to you sex and being close doesn't matter.. The thing is, that is what strengthens the glue that holds you two together and separates this as a friend, bro/sister relationship. Nobody wants to be married to 'a friend' or a relative. They want passion and love, fun and sex, as well as a loving and supportive partner.. In and out of bed.

 

Do you love him? Enough to work on yourself and do your best to change? Does he love you? Enough to work on himself and do his best to change?

 

Talk to him.

 

He doesn't want to talk. He would not agree to going away for a weekend. He told me he wants to be left alone. I text him and he doesn't respond. He travels a lot for work and that won't change. I could have taken more of an interest but I got used to it.

 

I don't understand why he won't try. I want to keep my family together.

[Crushedwife]

I have no idea.

 

But some men who feel insignificant in the M will get tempted when someone comes along and makes them feel alive, young again and important. If he feels completely connected to someone new - he may never get focused back on the marriage.

 

Ask him! It's time to communicate honestly!

 

I've asked many times. He denies it. If he's cheating, I wouldn't expect him to tell the truth but I want to know.

[2sunny]

He doesn't want to talk. He would not agree to going away for a weekend. He told me he wants to be left alone. I text him and he doesn't respond. He travels a lot for work and that won't change. I could have taken more of an interest but I got used to it.

 

I don't understand why he won't try. I want to keep my family together.

 

Do you? Do you want him home every day? Do you intend to spend all your time and energy BUILDING a life WITH him instead of a life without him?

 

Are you prepared to spend all your time getting interested in HIS life?

 

Since he's been absent and invisible for years - how are you prepared to now make life and your marriage ALL ABOUT HIM - the man you eliminated long ago?