How to Deal with Seeing them dating someone else

[PinkSapphire]

I am writing a thread again because I have received so much helpful advice that truly changed some of my decisions and actions - for the better! So first, THANK YOU! so much

 

Now onto my next hurdle: how to handle it when you see the ex with someone new. I know it is going to hurt, even though I am largely over them (not 100% yet. that may never happen). I still feel the chemistry sometimes though I have NO desire to act on it, so I know I still have a ways to go. However it has been quite awhile, and I know I have been dating and searching for the next meaningful relationship; obviously he is, too, or will be soon.

 

I know it will hurt. I see him several times a week, and I have no choice in the matter (think job-level commitment; can't really walk away). I wish i could cut him out of my life forever, never see again, and make up my own helpful story of how he will wallow forever (knowing it is totally untrue, but oh so helpful) until I no longer care at all or remember him. Sadly, this is not possible. Instead, I get to imagine the day when the wounds are reopened and I am once again in pain over this stupid relationship, seeing him date someone new. It hasn't happened yet, but I know it is just a matter of time.

 

What are your tips, LS community? How can I cope with it? I imagine the trick will be a mindset adjustment, either an outright lie to myself that makes me feel better or one of happiness, for all rather than resentment for just one person. Or something else, but I need to hear it from you. How do I handle this while maintaining dignity and, more importantly, sanity? I sure as heck don't want to be back in the fresh-breakup stage of sobbing and heartbroken ever again.

 

thanks, guys!

[Leigh 87]

If I had spend a couple of months no contact, I would get upset, but I would not go through the first initial stage again, where he broke my heart and I fell to the floor; collapsing in a pile of tears and screaming " noooooooooo"

 

Yes I will be upset when he meets someone new, but it is a different story for me, since I do not have to come into contact with him. There is a chance I will run into him and his new girl at the shops some place, even though there are MANY shops around where we live (but we are much closer to different shops). He could meet a girl in my area though and I could see him at he local, still. There is always that chance when your in the same town as your ex.

 

I can only imagine what your going through though. How do you feel about him now? Were you guys very in love? Did he leave because he changed his feelings or due to the relationship not working?

 

It would all depend on how he left really. If he left you hanging, by saying "I truly do still love you the same way, but _______ made the relationship not work out ( his or your substance abuse, for example) "

 

AND, if he also alludes to still feeling it for you when you see him, then it would be VERY hard to move on, if the feelings are still felt between you.

 

I am absolutely not in a position to offer you real advice, as I am not in your predicament!

 

I guess if you have both started to move on and accepted life without each other, then seeing him with someone else will just sting. You may cry a little, but it should not be as bad as when he left you.

 

Good luck in dealing with this, as you WILL both find other meaningful relationships in the near future, most likely.

 

Let us know how you handle it. And more importantly, do not get too stuck on the past, as this will hold you back from moving on and finding the right person for you.

 

If there is no chance you will get back together, it should be easier, as I said before... however, if you were left hanging and it seems like you still love each other and want to be together again, it will be messy when he gets another girlfriend...

[lop98]

I'll speak from experience after being in a rollercoaster of a relationship: I was never broken up, we were very much in love, had a misunderstanding that somehow (due to lack of communication) snowballed and became 10000 misunderstandings... he continued to talk to me about how much in love he was and I still felt the same but we were both deeply hurt mostly by confusion and it was really hard... a hardship that had solutions (communication and getting rid of the distance between us), which he wanted to try except the misunderstandings had kept my guard up and I needed time to sort it all out. While I thought we were working on this and while he continued to talk about how much he wanted to be with me, he started a relationship with a girl he was introduced to a few days before. Finding out via a social network he thought I didn't use was honestly.. something I had never experimented, I was in such shock, I remember seeing double... this buzzing in my head... I needed air and went to a park and sobbed for hours. The pain I was in post breakup felt minimal compared to this, I felt like I was physically decomposing, all the hopes and plans and things I'd daydream were out in a matter of minutes, I knew there'd be no way back. Days passed, I was depressed and also developed an obsession by following the whereabouts of these two, I was so nauseous about the way he kept stringing me along and couldn't even confront him (maybe out of fear that he'd say something that hurt or break all ties with me for good), I continued to get back at his texts just to feel better, confirm the hope that he 'still had feelings for me' and feel like this was all temporary and he'd eventually get back to me.

 

Needless to say, this only deepen my depression, I lost as much dignity as I lost weight... eventually (reading this site actually) I just wrote him a final email (never addressed what I knew) and went full NC. This is the only way I have found to have taken me out of the hole I was in, my feelings for him are unfortunately still there but it created a distance and helped me see things clearer, seeing him for what he was, realizing my mistakes, trying to learn from them... trying to channel the feelings I have for him into something better (professionally, academically, with my family).

 

Back to your case, I'm not sure how I'd be able to handle that... it's only after 3 months that I feel like maybe "one day" I'd be genuinely okay to see him with someone else, let alone wish him happiness sincerely. Seeing them in front of me would be a nightmare... I'd rather change workplace, change shifts, anything, just to create a healthy distance and be able to move on. That would be one option... and another one that I haven't tried but may be possible is to go against the clock and work twice as hard on your recovery in order to be strong enough by the time you get to see him with someone new... working out intensely, don't allow yourself a single second to be home reminiscing, go out on dates, catch up with friends, take courses of anything, take therapy... everything you have to do NC but quicker. I'm not sure that would work but it may help building a more solid emotional structure.

Edited May 13, 2013 by lop98

[crederer]

Yah it would sting a bit but you gotta be strong. I wouldn't like to see my ex with someone else but you gotta keep that chin up and soldier forward. I really don't think it will be a earth shattering experience for me but it will likely put a damper on my day.

[Ale khun]

I been thinking about that lately , honestly I been avoiding all places we went together malls , restaurants etc I'm really afraid I don't know what would I do , but I'm pretty sure that that's going to hurt . But the other day I was talking with my friend about this and she said to me that maybe the fear of that moment , it's giving me more anxiety , because I'm doing all this scenarios in my head and probably it's not going to be as painful as I think . But eventually I know this may happen and I just wish to be over him , I think this is the goal for all of us Not to care , good luck