Exclusive talk

[SiaLv82]

I finally had the guts to bring up being exclusive with a guy I am seeing casually. We were mostly friends/casually dating until about three weeks ago when it became physical.

 

My feelings are changing and I felt it was best to just put it out there before it went too far and I got hurt. Well, he told me he isn't seeing or having sex with anyone but he doesn't know where its going and he has been burned in the past, so he doesn't know "where its going" because every other time he thought it was going somewhere it didn't last. Excuses..excuses...

 

I told him I wasn't ready nor looking for the bf/gf label but I do want some form of commitment since we are now hooking up. He sort of said the same thing over again and said that he did care about me and that he was hoping it would grow over time and down the line but he wasn't sure.

 

I was sort of dumbfounded. This man has pursued me for the last few months, calling me every day, and even asking me last week (giving me a deadline) about where this was all going and how I feel -- because as he put it: he doesn't want to waste his time if its not going anywhere.

 

We did argue a bit that night and the night prior...Usually we do not argue at all. I haven't talked to him since and that was Thursday. Friday night I got a text to hang out and Saturday night another text to see if we could talk. I haven't responded to either.

 

I'm hurt and confused. This isn't someone whom I spoken to for just a few weeks. I sort of want to talk to him but also know it may be in my best interest to just let it rest. He hasn't bothered to call me all weekend, only those two texts. I suppose that says it all...

 

What would you do if you were truly invested in someone and had this happen? Its hard to just let it go.

[Eggplant]

It's totally cool. No pressure. You don't have to be boyfriend/girlfriend. Also let him know you're taking it slow physically. You got a bit excited at first, but now you've both got your heads on your shoulders, and you're putting off physical intimacy until you're both more sure.

[salparadise]

I finally had the guts to bring up being exclusive with a guy I am seeing casually. We were mostly friends/casually dating until about three weeks ago when it became physical.

 

Well, he told me he isn't seeing or having sex with anyone but he doesn't know where its going and he has been burned in the past, so he doesn't know "where its going" because every other time he thought it was going somewhere it didn't last. Excuses..excuses...

 

I told him I wasn't ready nor looking for the bf/gf label but I do want some form of commitment since we are now hooking up.

 

He sort of said [...] that he did care about me and that he was hoping it would grow over time and down the line but he wasn't sure.

 

This man has pursued me for the last few months, calling me every day, and even asking me last week (giving me a deadline) about where this was all going and how I feel -- because as he put it: he doesn't want to waste his time if its not going anywhere.

 

I haven't talked to him since and that was Thursday. Friday night I got a text to hang out and Saturday night another text to see if we could talk. I haven't responded to either.

 

He hasn't bothered to call me all weekend, only those two texts. I suppose that says it all...

 

What would you do if you were truly invested in someone and had this happen?

 

I'm confused as to what exactly the misunderstanding is... you were both seeking reassurance from the other that, essentially, it's a real relationship and not merely a hookup.

 

Then it seems like it became contentious somehow, as if each of you expected the other to say the words first. It became some kind of standoff with both of you feeling that the other is wanting something different and withholding what you need. Is there any real distinction between his wanting to know "where this was all going and how I feel" vs. you wanting "some form of commitment?"

 

Now the kicker is that he texted you twice and you blew him off twice––no response. Now you're trying to figure out what it means that he hasn't called––really? If I got blown off twice like that I'd be thinking that I just got dumped, and rudely at that. But you actually have the expectation that he'd be ringing your phone off the hook? How many times would he need to call/text with no response before you felt sufficiently ascendent to answer? And assuming you do eventually talk, will you expect him to be totally obsequious?

 

Here's the deal with people... doesn't matter who's in the more powerful negotiating position... you have to be willing to give a little, and you have to allow the other to save face. Your current standoff is about the fact that he contacted you twice and you blew him off. He lost face. Losing face makes people feel angry, disrespected. It's up to you to fix that.

 

Then, if you both could realize that you're essentially asking for the same thing maybe you could come to terms. But the two of you are playing power games with each other and you seem to escalate disagreement rather than to deescalate and resolve. That's a problem that's not likely to go away.

[pcplod]

Well, you are both conspiring together to arrive at a magnificent f**k-up, aren't you, really?

 

I mean, when does someone's reason becomes someone else's excuse?

 

Woman often seem to complain that men won't open their hearts and be honest with them about exactly how they feel. Has he with you? Do you just not like it?

 

The simple fact is that you are looking for a level of commitment from him that for whatever reasons, good or bad, that he is not ready to give you. It may be that he will never give that to you and maybe he already knows that and isn't being totally honest or candid. However, it may be that he has doubts, either specifically about you or about the general issue and just is telling you exactly that. You can either wait around a bit more and see whether he does make his mind up or you can bow out and try to find someone who either moves at your pace or even a bit quicker and is prepared to wait for you.

 

No matter what, it is difficult, quite the juggling act. Is an issue for you that if you hang on a bit longer and he says "No" that you are going to feel humiliated, used? There is a possibility that will happen but it is not always inevitable that you are being used.

 

In the meantime, ie over the weekend, you both avoid one another? what does that do for the situation?

[happydate]

I finally had the guts to bring up being exclusive with a guy I am seeing casually. We were mostly friends/casually dating until about three weeks ago when it became physical.

 

My feelings are changing and I felt it was best to just put it out there before it went too far and I got hurt. Well, he told me he isn't seeing or having sex with anyone but he doesn't know where its going and he has been burned in the past, so he doesn't know "where its going" because every other time he thought it was going somewhere it didn't last. Excuses..excuses...

 

I told him I wasn't ready nor looking for the bf/gf label but I do want some form of commitment since we are now hooking up. He sort of said the same thing over again and said that he did care about me and that he was hoping it would grow over time and down the line but he wasn't sure.

 

I was sort of dumbfounded. This man has pursued me for the last few months, calling me every day, and even asking me last week (giving me a deadline) about where this was all going and how I feel -- because as he put it: he doesn't want to waste his time if its not going anywhere.

 

We did argue a bit that night and the night prior...Usually we do not argue at all. I haven't talked to him since and that was Thursday. Friday night I got a text to hang out and Saturday night another text to see if we could talk. I haven't responded to either.

 

I'm hurt and confused. This isn't someone whom I spoken to for just a few weeks. I sort of want to talk to him but also know it may be in my best interest to just let it rest. He hasn't bothered to call me all weekend, only those two texts. I suppose that says it all...

 

What would you do if you were truly invested in someone and had this happen? Its hard to just let it go.

 

How much do you love him? Or are you following a dating routine you setup yourself because you thought if you do not that you will loose a great guy?

 

His concern is legit and that is because, I myself got burned exactly like himself. I got the exclusive talk with one gal and I agreed to be exclusive, then 3 weeks later and poof she BU with me and went back with her ex. For the longest time, I thought I agreed too soon but realized after therapy that either way it doesn't matter if she wants to BU with me or not. If it happens, it will happen!

 

What's happening is that, he is dating with his heart somewhat closed and is sadly dating with his brain. That's what happens. He's dating with a routine; typically that's what people do using rules and number of days namely probation period before he will say yes when the heart and gut feeling is artificially suppressed by hurt. Has it been 10 dates or 60 days or 90 days you've guys seen each other? Sometimes though, you need to play a patient game with some people just because, their heart isn't fully healed and they are going into the dating world slightly broken and with full caution. Your senses are serving you well. How much do you love him and how much are you willing to open his heart? If it's too much for you, which it will, then make an adult choice.

 

Hope this helps.

[happydate]

the advice on here is rubbish im sorry to say. hes not into you. hes keeping his options open and you know this. Your gut is telling you this. If i really liked a girl and was invested in her i would jump on the chance to be exclusive with her cos i wouldnt want her to get away:) If i liked a girl i would want her to be with me and would be scared that she could or would be seeing other guys or change her mind if we arent comitted. He has no obligations to you and can sleep with another girl tomorrow and you have no right to get angry.

 

YOus hould grow up also and not ignore him and play silly games but i think hes making excuses not to be with you exclusively. The fact that you havent replied to two of his messages as a guy i would think its over between us. So i guess you got what you wanted!

 

I disagree. He's into her, but his heart is hurt and is closed. It happens to both men and women who do not pursue internal healing and jumped into the dating scene slightly broken. I was in that man's shoes for the longest while; couldn't figure out until I got therapy! Men usually do go and get help from specialists because of their inflated egos, so there are broken men out there who confuse women.

[MidwestUSA]

There's more than one broken person here. Two texts, with invites to hang out and talk further, and you ignored him? And let an entire weekend go by? You know you just broke it off with him, right?

[Treasa]

I wouldn't be with someone if I was scared to ask them where things stood or what we were. I also wouldn't be with someone who's carrying around baggage from previous relationships and who has been "burned." Deal with it and get over it. I don't make guys pay for other guys' mistakes, and I will not pay for someone else's mistakes.

 

Sounds like this guy isn't ready to date, and you should have replied to him if you wanted to actually discuss this.

[SiaLv82]

Well, I wrote him last night to see if he wanted to talk and he basically told me he was heading to bed and would call me later. I never did get the call tonight and I noticed he was active on his dating profile.

 

This one was very difficult as I did not see it coming as he had obsessively called me from the start (few months). I was the one who was overly involved with the job and didn't have time. He asked a few times wanting to know where it was heading so as to why he went cold as soon as I changed my tune who knows.

 

It could have been a million different things that I said that night but I guess it all boils down to that he just was not that into me. He contacted me Saturday night around 10pm. I didn't answer because to me that is super late and he had all day to call me...

 

I fell into this one with a busy hectic work schedule only ready for casual dating. I am coming out of it with availability and wholeheartedly ready for a relationship --his loss is another man's gain I suppose

[SiaLv82]

I wouldn't be with someone if I was scared to ask them where things stood or what we were. I also wouldn't be with someone who's carrying around baggage from previous relationships and who has been "burned." Deal with it and get over it. I don't make guys pay for other guys' mistakes, and I will not pay for someone else's mistakes.

 

Sounds like this guy isn't ready to date, and you should have replied to him if you wanted to actually discuss this.

 

He has been out of a relationship for two years and has been actively dating since. He told me the night I bought up being exclusive that he has fallen prior and gotten hurt that was why he was scared. So the question is why can he fall for them enough to take the chance and get hurt and can't quite find reason to take the chance for me? He just wasn't as into me as his calling/actions lead me to believe.

[happydate]

Well, I wrote him last night to see if he wanted to talk and he basically told me he was heading to bed and would call me later. I never did get the call tonight and I noticed he was active on his dating profile.

 

This one was very difficult as I did not see it coming as he had obsessively called me from the start (few months). I was the one who was overly involved with the job and didn't have time. He asked a few times wanting to know where it was heading so as to why he went cold as soon as I changed my tune who knows.

 

It could have been a million different things that I said that night but I guess it all boils down to that he just was not that into me. He contacted me Saturday night around 10pm. I didn't answer because to me that is super late and he had all day to call me...

 

I fell into this one with a busy hectic work schedule only ready for casual dating. I am coming out of it with availability and wholeheartedly ready for a relationship --his loss is another man's gain I suppose

 

It wasn't difficult to see though and you are a smart person. He's giving mixed signals and that confuses you. I've seen the same things happen in women as well. As soon as things start getting very intimate; they bolt. It's funny that they were the ones start to touch me, wrap their arms around me and what not and text endlessly. Then we had sex and then as our relationship grew more close, they get nervous and pooh did the Harry Houdini act.

 

Dating is pretty simple really. Just go out and have fun and take things one step at a time. Whereas some people expect too much things too soon and when their expectations didn't pan out, they turned cold turkey.

I surmise that he realized you were not what he thought you would be to him and then Mr. Chicken could not get the guts and come out to say, hey listen I liked you once but I decided things won't work out and say goodbye. Being authentic and honest takes a real man's gut. He didn't have that. So yes, one man's lost if another real man's gain!

[SiaLv82]

It wasn't difficult to see though and you are a smart person. He's giving mixed signals and that confuses you. I've seen the same things happen in women as well. As soon as things start getting very intimate; they bolt. It's funny that they were the ones start to touch me, wrap their arms around me and what not and text endlessly. Then we had sex and then as our relationship grew more close, they get nervous and pooh did the Harry Houdini act.

 

Dating is pretty simple really. Just go out and have fun and take things one step at a time. Whereas some people expect too much things too soon and when their expectations didn't pan out, they turned cold turkey.

I surmise that he realized you were not what he thought you would be to him and then Mr. Chicken could not get the guts and come out to say, hey listen I liked you once but I decided things won't work out and say goodbye. Being authentic and honest takes a real man's gut. He didn't have that. So yes, one man's lost if another real man's gain!

 

I agree. I have a nice car and a fancy job title and come off like I may be more than what I am -not intentionally. I "come off" like the type of woman he is use too.. but I struggle like all the rest and I think he realized I don't have what he thought the past week.

 

I still have the burning desire to contact him just to have a talk and let things be. However, most have told me not too. I can be the adult and see things for what they are but I have a horrible time just cutting off someone that I have spoken with for the last five months. We were friends after all for the majority of it and I rather stay on those types of terms then just completely lose someone that I got along completely fine without the physical stuff.