SNH1993 Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Well, i've posted on this site about me and my ex gf recent drug problem i had during our relationship. However, i have been clean for a month and just last night when she came over she started accusing me of acting like i was on xanax again. She said i was actng weird and like i was on it at the time which pissed me off because i have NEVER touched the drug since the break-up so she got irritated and left because she thought i was on the xanax again. And now, im seriously contemplating going no contact due to the fact that no matter how long i hadn't touched the drug since the break-up she still accused me of being on it and she left that night when we were supposed to chill and have a good time. Basically, what i'm getting at here is do you guys think i should go no contact or keep talking to her with how she treated me last night with the accusations? or should i just keep talking to her and see what happens? I know ofr a fact she will get bored at home when shes not at work and will be texting me but should i just ignore or keep the convo short to show her i don't appreciate her accusing me of things that I, myself and proud of as far as not being on the drug for a month. That is an accomplishment for me and i will remain proud of it an never touch it again. Any input would be really appreciated. So if you guys have any input whatsoever please do share. Thank you in advance if some of you are willing to help me out
EnTT Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I know this is probably easier said than done, but have you tried or thought of sitting down with her and having a serious conversation about the drug problem? Maybe she just needs to hear it from you in a clear and calm manner that you've been off of it for a month and you have no intention of starting it again. It would probably even mean alot to her if you were to say how much her support would mean to you during this time. If she truly cares for you, she should understand and be there for you rather than start throwing up random accusations. 3
Stay Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I would think a lot is going through her mind, I agree with sitting down and having a serious talk... No yelling or arguing. Just explain what's going on and show her that she can trust your words. 2
Author SNH1993 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 I have sat down and taled with her about my feelings regarding our situation. She says he isn't ready to be in a relationship with me yet i suspect out of ear that the drug problems will come back.
Stay Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 (edited) If she says shes not ready just take it slow.. Be her friend right now and see where that'll take you. Show her you can be that person that she would like you to be, clean and trustworthy. She didn't love you because you were on drugs.. Be the same person you were before without the drugs and show her that's who you really are. I'm going through some weird things right now too.. Not showing enough affection and my gf of 7 years broke up with me. It's been a few months and we're still living together until a few more weeks.. It's been a rough ride up and down and things being said that shouldn't be said throughout this thing but in the end I gotta just change myself and allow her to see and decide. She tells me she doesn't have feelings for me anymore which I don't think is true but until we're not living together I won't know. I'm just going to be her friend and the person she fell in love with and if it takes me to a positive direction then great but there's not much more I can do than that.. Edited May 13, 2013 by Stay 1
Author SNH1993 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 Tahnks for the support man, i know for sure your situation is rough. I also texted her something i shouldn't have because she wasn't responding. I said, "I'm just going to give you your space and you can do whatever the **** you want". As it turn out the reason she wasn't replying was because she was hanging out with one of her girlfriends who she hasn't seen in a year so i quickly apologized and cleared things up > she said she would be busy so she wasn't going to be on her phone the whole time texting me. I feel like an idiot now and should have never sent her the initial text i sent her in the first place.
Stay Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Yea I understand how you feel, at this moment you will get irritated, fed up, everything quicker.. Control it, relax a bit. Act like she isn't even your gf or use to date, act like how you would if you met a stranger and getting to know them.. You wouldn't talk like that to someone you begin dating so don't talk like that to her. It can ruin things very easily since she's extra sensitive at the moment as you are too. Don't push her away by acting needy. She has to want you to get back with you so don't have yourself too available by acting like how you did with that text. That just made you seem like you're waiting around for her.. Just enjoy your time to yourself and enjoy those small conversations with her. Do your own thing but at the same time still do what you were doing with her but don't overreact like that. I know crazy things run through your mind but it's always a lot better than your mind makes it out to be sometimes. But seriously from that text I think you just gotta focus on yourself at the moment and just let things happen naturally. Make those fixes you want for yourself personally. Quit the drugs because you need to get rid of that for a better life. Not because she can't deal with you because you might go back to it and that's not good.
TaraMaiden Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 For goodness' sake.... I remember contributing to your first thread. I'm sorry, I hate to say it, but when I advise people in your situation to go complete total No Contact, and then the come back with "Oh we're just going to be friends, it will be cool...." I just know what the outcome is going to be. So, I decided to NOT do that with you. I decided to take an opposite approach, encourage you to work on yourself, keep truckin' get well, focus on yourself and hopefully, that would make her see you were determined to make it work.... I kinda wish I'd stuck to my usual MO. So here goes: You really need, for your own sake, well-being and sanity, to cut all and every tie with your ex. go Complete No Contact, and focus on yourself to heal, move on and improve where you feel you need/want to improve. Cut her out of the picture completely. It's messing with your mind and inhibiting your progress. Read the NC guide in my signature. Do not revisit this relationship, unless and until she has as much effect on your psyche as the check-out girl at wal-mart. In other words, totally neutral. 1
crederer Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I think the poster above was referring to having a conversation in asking for her support with your sobriety, not a conversation about getting back together. i,e not having her throw a fit because she thinks you're on xanax. If you were to get back together at some point down the road, it's just a bonus but this conversation seems like a good start.
TaraMaiden Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I think the poster above was referring to having a conversation in asking for her support with your sobriety, not a conversation about getting back together. i,e not having her throw a fit because she thinks you're on xanax. If you were to get back together at some point down the road, it's just a bonus but this conversation seems like a good start. (not sure who you're referring to with regard to the 'poster above' comment..... ) In all sincerity, this maintaining close contact with a recent ex, is just crazy. It's self-defeating, messes with BOTH peoples' emotions, and clearly isn't entirely helpful or constructive. It just adds to the problems. Really, going NC would really be the better option right now.
Author SNH1993 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 Thank you guys again for all of the adcice and support. Everything is cleared up betwwen us since last night. But, TaraMaiden, how should I just intitate the no contact. Just not respond to anything she sends? Let her know in a text message? And during this no contact period, should i respond if she texts at all or and if i did respond just keep it very brief? Sorry for all of these stupid questions, i truly do feel like an idiot
Author SNH1993 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 Well, we texted this morning and she said she doesn't think she is going to spend the night anymore because she said she doesn't want anything sexual to happen because it would make things more complicated. Then just told me to act normal because i was annoying her with the way i was acting like i did when i sent that text telling her "i would give her space and she could do whatever the **** she wanted to do". She still wants to hang out and see me so is no contact here an absolute must? i know it's been said by TaraMaiden and i apologize for all of the stupid questions i've been asking but my mnd is just all over the place right now and i can't seem to help it
EnTT Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I could be wrong, but hasn't there already been some sexual intimacy between you two during the time you guys have been broken up? Either way, it's really odd to me that she thinks sex is going to make things complicated, but hanging out with each other isn't. I don't think she really has her mind made up yet on what she wants, but it's like she's "trying you out" to see if it's still possible because she still wants to hang out and see you. I know exactly how you feel with your mind being all over the place, but I do agree with TaraMaiden that you should try at the very least to focus on yourself. I'm not saying anything else but to just focus on you.. I think once you figure yourself out a little better you'll be able to decide with a clear mind. You're on the right track with being sober one month, keep it up.
Author SNH1993 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 That's what confuses the hell out of me is that we have had sex plenty of times since the relationship. Then today she goes and says this along with how i'm "annoying her with how i'm acting". like wtf does that mean. she tells me to just "act normal". I was just trying to be there for her and be a good friend when she needed me. and she has called me plenty of times crying outside of hanging out and i continued to be there for her even despite her talking to another guy when this break-up first started. We texted still a little after she told me i was annoying her and told me that i needed to act normal. Shes been at work and she hasn't texted since and i don't intend on contacting her first after she told me i was annoying her. The real decision that is hard for me is actually telling her that i'm going no contact. I know i'm supposed to do it for myself but i also fear doing that in my situation won't help any and might make things even easier for her. Do you think she is just confused as hell and doesn't have a damn clue what she wants? I am still clueless about all of it and am nervous about going full no contact
EnTT Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 That's what confuses the hell out of me is that we have had sex plenty of times since the relationship. Then today she goes and says this along with how i'm "annoying her with how i'm acting". like wtf does that mean. she tells me to just "act normal". I was just trying to be there for her and be a good friend when she needed me. and she has called me plenty of times crying outside of hanging out and i continued to be there for her even despite her talking to another guy when this break-up first started. We texted still a little after she told me i was annoying her and told me that i needed to act normal. Shes been at work and she hasn't texted since and i don't intend on contacting her first after she told me i was annoying her. The real decision that is hard for me is actually telling her that i'm going no contact. I know i'm supposed to do it for myself but i also fear doing that in my situation won't help any and might make things even easier for her. Do you think she is just confused as hell and doesn't have a damn clue what she wants? I am still clueless about all of it and am nervous about going full no contact I know it's hard to see it at first, but NC is supposed to be for you. The whole thing about her crying to you and seeing you WHILE she's talking to another guy makes it seem like you're literally her comfort blanket. And yeah, I do believe she's confused as hell.. But at the same time NC might make her realize that she needs to make a decision and not play this game. I don't think you should necessarily tell her you're going to initiate NC, but at the same time doing so might make her realize she needs to get her act straight. Might need to get some more thoughts on that from the community. One thing for sure, though.. if you're going to go NC, follow thru with it. Don't crack so easily at the first sign, because it's more than likely just a "withdrawal" effect. If she continues contacting you after that, maybe then you can have another serious conversation with her and tell her straight how it is. Trust yourself, and do what you feel is best..
Author SNH1993 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 Thank you man, i really do appreciate all of you guys responses. I don't think she is really talking to that guy anymore though, he lives 3 hours away and they mainly were talking when this whole break-up first started. But really, i am not positive that they have stopped talking so who knows. I know i am one of the few people down here that she can talk to, she has 2 other girlfriends she can talk to down here and that's about it. And you hit the nail on the head with not being sure about necessarily telling her that i'm initiating no contact if i were to do so. But the fact, that she told me i was being annoying with how i wa acting this morning really made me want to not contact her at all until she initiates the contact. If ANYBODy else on these forums can give me some advice on whether i should tell her i'm going no contact or just let her initiate all of the contact then please do so. And if the popular vote is to just tell her then i would like an idea of how to word the situation to leave the dppr open for when/if she makes up her mind.
TaraMaiden Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 ...Which tells me you haven't even read the NC Guide, because all your questions have answers - in the No Contact Guide. But, TaraMaiden, how should I just intitate the no contact. Just initiate No Contact. Just not respond to anything she sends? Correct. Let her know in a text message? Nope. She will get it soon enough... And during this no contact period, should i respond if she texts at all NEVER. Not once, not at all. or and if i did respond just keep it very brief? No. Say nothing. Block, delete, ignore, fall off her radar completely. Sorry for all of these stupid questions, i truly do feel like an idiot Read the guide, upside-down, back-to-front, right-way-up. Until it swims before your eyes. Carry a copy around with you everywhere. You could also do with reading the remainder of the thread, closely. It contains many 'warnings' about the folly of trying to keep in touch/stay friends....
Author SNH1993 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 Well, looks as if i got my answer regarding all of the questions in my head regarding no contact. Thank you and i will keep you guys updated on how things go from here on out. I just have to keep in mind that i am doing this for myself and not in hopes of getting her back, which really i do want her back but i'm going ot have to look past that and look at it as fi she is never coming back. This is going to be hard, because i know she will be texting me but i'm going to remain strong and after she gets the hint, and asks why i've been ignoring her do you think i should tell her that i've been moving on and not to contact me unless she wants reconciliation if by that time i am willing to reconcile with her?
TaraMaiden Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 No. Tell her nothing. She will get that you have cut contact. She WILL feed you 'breadcrumbs'. And she will 'get' that the only way to get back with you will be to tell you. Many people feel my approach is too harsh, too 'black-and-white'. many people feel they can handle being in touch with their ex again. However, several people have decided to go against advice, and have got back in touch with their exes 'prematurely'. It has either proven to be a disaster, or simply not what they were hoping. Sure, it can work - but you have to be completely self-assured and not vulnerable to reawakened pain. When you KNOW you have reached that point - contact her again.
Author SNH1993 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 Alright will do TaraMaiden. I know one of her girlfriends just got back in town from college so she will probably be distracted by visiting with her but i know there will be a point where she will throw me breadcrumbs like you said and that's when i will just take your advice and ignore her. Obviously being there and being friendly hasn't gotten me anywhere so i will take your approach and if it doesn't work out then at least i will be well on my way towards healing.
Author SNH1993 Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 Alright i decided i was going to have this talk with her in person tommorow. Just ignoring her after shes been such a good person to me all of this time is just not in me to do. I'm going to tell her that i cannot keep doing this with her and that i'm giving her space whether she wants it or not until we can both reach a point where there is no confusion and she can make her mind up. I know you said to just completely ignore her but i know how it feels to be broken up with over text and i'm not going to be the person to tell her what i'm going to do over text.
aisuru Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 No contact. Your sobriety should be your focus and deserves your full attention. She is distracting you from being a better person. You deserve this time to heal you. Time to delete her info, stop responding, and remove her from your life until you are indifferent to her. This is about you right now. NOT her.
CC12 Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Alright i decided i was going to have this talk with her in person tommorow. Just ignoring her after shes been such a good person to me all of this time is just not in me to do. I'm going to tell her that i cannot keep doing this with her and that i'm giving her space whether she wants it or not until we can both reach a point where there is no confusion and she can make her mind up. I know you said to just completely ignore her but i know how it feels to be broken up with over text and i'm not going to be the person to tell her what i'm going to do over text. I understand why you don't want to just completely ignore her with no warning. I think that would be kind of cold and would lead to her being confused. So tell her you won't be communicating with her anymore. But there's really no reason at all to do it in person. You guys are already broken up. This isn't the kind of conversation that absolutely needs to happen in person. Just text/email your message. Then go completely no contact. And regarding what you posted in your OP, I see that issue has been pretty much resolved already, but I just want to point something out to you for future interactions. Your addiction negatively impacted others and that's something you just have to deal with. They're understandably cautious about believing you actually quit. They probably believed it in the past, but then you started using again and showed them that they couldn't rely on your sobriety. I know you're proud of yourself for being clean for so long, and you should be! But you can't get so mad at people for being suspicious that you might relapse. Your addiction hurt people and you can't just demand a clean slate. Try to be more understanding of others' reactions from now on 2
Author SNH1993 Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 Thank you guys again for all of the support, she is supposed to come over after 6 today when she gets offf of work. The whole going no contact thought is still very hard for me to accept and even follow through with it. In a way, i know it is what is best and in a way i just simply don't want to let go. One moment i'm fine with deciding to go through with it and the next moment is a completely different story. I know there isn't much else i can do at this point and nobody said this was going to be easy but still find myself having second thoughts about no contact. My head is all messed up right now, just 2 days ago she was contacting me all of the time, inviting me to go out to dinner with her, wanting to go see a movie, and now it seems the script has completely changed and i'm just an afterthought.
TaraMaiden Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 I know, and understand this to be true: No Contact is by far the toughest, hardest thing you'll ever have to do. But I also know that many swear by it, as the best and most positive thing they have ever done for themselves. It's precisely like an amputation without anaesthetic, going NC.... And some have likened it to deep-level Cold-Turkey for the heart. Anyone who has ever been drug-dependent, and suddenly withdraws, will know what that's like. This may be worse; but ultimately, the resulting healing will be better by far, than anything else. It means wrenching control back. At the moment, what you have effectively done, is to abdicate control of your heart and mind, to her. You are acting in accordance with what she does: My head is all messed up right now, just 2 days ago she was contacting me all of the time, inviting me to go out to dinner with her, wanting to go see a movie, and now it seems the script has completely changed and i'm just an afterthought. What NC means, is that you take responsibility for yourself. Currently, you're dependent on her pulling the strings and steering where this will go. You HAVE to go NC and steer your own craft. Choppy waters ahead: But the NC guide - together with us as your 'crew' -will see you past the danger points.
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