Newbie MW here... this is my MM story.

[ComingInHot]

nattie, your going to do what you want to do out of the feeling of necessity for Yourself and Not your H. That is clear.

 

Would you though, possibly consider therapy out of necessity for yourself to address all these "demons", and lying, cheating that your are choosing to do and be dictated by?

 

I was just thinking/hoping that by acknowledhing, addressing and resolving these issues that you could possibly end up living an Authentic life as a person of honesty & integrity*

[Nattie]

This place sure is FULL of people who like throwing stones... why are some of you even on here reading these threads if you're so perfect? I made a mistake, a terrible mistake, aside from my affair, I AM a good wife and a wonderful mother. A big part of the reason I won't tell my husband is because he would blame himself. He would comfort me as I cried, and ask what he did to make me stray, why wasn't he enough... and I can't bear that. My cheating was at NO fault of his. Life is not black and white, and if I can move on and work on myself while sparing him the heartache, I will. As far as STD's go, you have no right to even throw that crap at me. For your information, that was discussed long beforehand... I'm not a moron. I don't go around sleeping with people I don't know. This was months and months in the making, with ONE person, who I knew VERY well. How do you know we didn't use protection? That's what I thought, you know nothing, so sit down and have a nice tall glass of shut it, or better yet, go visit someone's thread who you CAN relate to, and comfort them.

 

As far as MM goes, I'm feeling better today. I do think he will try to contact me again, and I'm going to be as prepared as I can for it. I'm very confident that I won't sleep with him again...

[Mycatsnuggles]

Natie

 

Kudos to you! You've made steps to end the affair and have stated you want to improve your marriage. YEAH YOU!! I walk the same path and have not come as far as you on my journey. I too choose to keep my secrets. I offer you support and encouragement. LS can be rough many of the posters are BS or even BS/ow so bear this in mind when reading the advice. Each path we lead is different and the one you choose for yourself is the correct one for this moment.

 

To me mistakes are opportunities for growth, yur OM was here to teach you a lesson about yourself. Exam what it is and move forward. Be kind to yourself.

[BrokenPrincess]

Nattie, do you have that affection with your OM? Did you enjoy that intimacy with men before your H?

 

Just curious, because I have never liked kissing my H... It feels like being suffocated. It has always been like that, and I thought I was someone who just didn't like kissing. But when I was with my xMM, I could spend all night kissing him and wanted to be all wrapped up with him after sex. That discovery made me wonder if I have a deeper intimacy issue.

[White Flower]

You will never tell your H because your H thinks very highly of you. Your H thinks you are a great wife and you do not want to shatter that image. Furthermore, you would be devastated if your H thought less of you.

 

 

 

 

 

How can you be attracted to such a loser? Have you asked yourself that question? I know it is a hard question because it would mean you and OM have a lot of things in common.

 

I suspect you will have sex again with OM, but I congratulate you for trying.

 

 

 

 

Your H looks at you and wonders what is going on. He cannot imagine you are doing the OM. Nice men cannot imagine infidelity. It must be incredibly hard to live a double life 24/7. Talking about stress and living a non authentic life.

 

 

 

That you have issues is an understatement. I suspect that if you had never met your H you would be much worse. Your H is a major stabilizing force in your life. And yet, you will never have a true emotional connection with your H or with anyone else in the world.

That last statement really bothers me. Who are you to deem who changes, grows, and overcomes their demons? You cannot predict the future and you cannot tell this human being what her outcome is going to be.

[Artie Lang]

the thing is Nattie, you sound like you're keeping this under wraps for his benefit- sparing your husband's feelings -when in reality it's self-preservation at it's finest. all of his choices regarding the state of your marriage are being made by you. how can this be a true marriage when you've taken away the centerpiece of a relationship- TRUST.

 

your husband's marriage is a sham..... a falsehood, only he doesn't know it yet. are you telling me, you could look him in the eyes from now on and carry on like this affair never happened? that's pretty freakin' cold.

 

 

and you're right, the world might not be all "black & white," but there is such a thing as "right & wrong" no matter the shade. what you did was wrong, and what you're doing now(rugsweeping) is still wrong.

[Nattie]

Nattie, do you have that affection with your OM? Did you enjoy that intimacy with men before your H?

 

Just curious, because I have never liked kissing my H... It feels like being suffocated. It has always been like that, and I thought I was someone who just didn't like kissing. But when I was with my xMM, I could spend all night kissing him and wanted to be all wrapped up with him after sex. That discovery made me wonder if I have a deeper intimacy issue.

 

I like kissing, and do enjoy kissing my H (and xMM). I think I liked physically being with xMM more because it was new, exciting, and there were zero strings attached. I was a lot more willing to "spend time" with xMM after sex though... you bring up a good point. I wouldn't go as far as cuddling, or hugging, but I didn't shut down and bail out immediately after either.

[Nattie]

 

your husband's marriage is a sham..... a falsehood, only he doesn't know it yet. are you telling me, you could look him in the eyes from now on and carry on like this affair never happened? that's pretty freakin' cold.

 

Yes, I can.

[BrokenPrincess]

Duh! Holding hands with an MOW feels more exciting than holding hands with a long term wife.

 

Having NEW deep conversations with an MOW feels more exciting than having the same OLD conversations with a long term wife.

 

A new car seems to drive better than a 20 year old car.

 

Welcome to the real world. The secret which you do not have and may never discover is that some married folks are able to overcome that and reach a state of happiness that may never be known to you.

 

Otherwise, the pattern remains the same and if you marry your MM he will become just like your H and there will be no more excitement. Unless, you one day discover that the excitement comes from within.

 

No I don't think you read what I wrote in your haste to write it off as restating the obvious that new can be more exciting than old. I said that I have never liked kissing my H...so even when he was new & exciting.

[laluv]

This thread is fairly old, but Nattie are we twins? I am going through the same thing you are. I just read through your entire thread and its like you were mirroring my exact feelings/emotions.

I stopped reading posts on here long ago because I also found that people were so judgmental. Sometimes a person needs to vent and not be told that their feelings are crappy. I mean its common sense that what's happening is wrong. The last thing you need is someone on their soapbox. And being that your situation is not very practical sometimes this forum is all we have to not feel judged. I mean if that's what I wanted I would just tell my friends instead of a bunch of strangers.

I, like you about a month ago am at a loss. I knw that I need to let the OM go but I'm having such a difficult time And I know in selfish but I don't want to tell my husband either. I completely understand why you don't want to tell him. I feel like my husband would be the same way and blame himself. And in all reality it had nothing to do with him.

I hope you are in a better place now than you were a month ago. Would love to knw if you were able to keep the NC. I have tried and have been successful for about a month and then just lose it.

[Nattie]

This thread is fairly old, but Nattie are we twins? I am going through the same thing you are. I just read through your entire thread and its like you were mirroring my exact feelings/emotions.

I stopped reading posts on here long ago because I also found that people were so judgmental. Sometimes a person needs to vent and not be told that their feelings are crappy. I mean its common sense that what's happening is wrong. The last thing you need is someone on their soapbox. And being that your situation is not very practical sometimes this forum is all we have to not feel judged. I mean if that's what I wanted I would just tell my friends instead of a bunch of strangers.

I, like you about a month ago am at a loss. I knw that I need to let the OM go but I'm having such a difficult time And I know in selfish but I don't want to tell my husband either. I completely understand why you don't want to tell him. I feel like my husband would be the same way and blame himself. And in all reality it had nothing to do with him.

I hope you are in a better place now than you were a month ago. Would love to knw if you were able to keep the NC. I have tried and have been successful for about a month and then just lose it.

Hi!! I'm kinda glad this thread was refreshed, I'm in a slightly different place than I was a month ago

First and foremost, there is hope! There's nothing easy about it. MM and I had gone over a week without contact , and I was in a good place mentally... but it's never that easy is it? Sure enough, he started texting, then calling. I told him there wasn't anywhere for us to go from here, and believe me, he had quite a pity party. I deleted his number from my phone so I can't break down and call him. That entire day was awful, I will be honest. I want him so bad... like, reeeally bad. I hate thinking he's not "mine" anymore, although I know he never was. He's genuinely sad, but I think has enough respect for me to honor my wishes. He doesn't want this if I'm not fully into it. He understands... this obviously just happened, so now I am forced to deal with the emotions all over again. Hearing his voice, ugh, well you know I'm ok, because I know I will get over him, I don't think I could recover if I lost DH.

[Owl]

The fact that neither of you have remained successfully NC for an extended length of time is partially contibutable to your refusal to tell your husbands the truth.

 

Tell him the truth, and you'll rapidly find your focus changing from this "other man" and back onto fighting to save your marriage, on proving to your H that you're trustworthy now where you've not been before.

 

You won't have the time or energy to spare...

 

I find it sad that your husbands will never be given that choice...denied critical information that they should be given to make a hugely important decision.

 

And at the same time, denying yourselves the real chance to FIX things in your relationships with them.

[georgia girl]

Nattie,

 

I am not going to beat you up over not telling your husband but I really want you to reconsider your stance. First, you sound genuine that you want to work on your marriage and to do that, the door to your affair can't be just closed and locked, it has to be sealed and guarded. If your husband knew, I can assure you that it would really assist in ensuring that for the sake of your relationship, you didn't go near that door again.

 

Additionally, affairs do not happen in a vacuum. While I think that folks who engage in an affair sometimes take the easy way out (and that's a judgment so I'm sorry), I think there were some real issues that probably led to the affair. Papering over the cracks now will only mean that the cracks will show again soon. And this time, how much worse could they be?

 

Finally, I just think that it can be very, very difficult to keep big secrets in a marriage. I'm still fairly newly married, but I can't really keep secrets from my husband. It just eats me up. In the end, once I tell him the truth I feel so much better. I make out his response to be so much worse than it should have been. These are pretty big secrets you're carrying around. If this is what you want to do, then I guess that's your call to make, but do you really want to carry that on your shoulders?

 

Again, I'm trying not to judge. This is your relationship and you get to choose.

[Nattie]

Maybe there's something seriously wrong with me, but, I have NO problem carrying this secret. I will never come clean, and to be honest, now that it's over with, I won't worry at all anymore. What he doesn't know will not hurt him, and vice versa. I wouldn't want to know if he had an affair in the past. If I caught it, while it was happening, I probably wouldn't even leave, I would however, use it to justify some rather expensive purchases

[White Flower]

Maybe there's something seriously wrong with me, but, I have NO problem carrying this secret. I will never come clean, and to be honest, now that it's over with, I won't worry at all anymore. What he doesn't know will not hurt him, and vice versa. I wouldn't want to know if he had an affair in the past. If I caught it, while it was happening, I probably wouldn't even leave, I would however, use it to justify some rather expensive purchases

 

This reminds me of Gracie Burns. When George cheated on her she made him buy an expensive crystal vase. When a male friend asked Gracie how she forgave George she looked at the vase then looked back at their friend and winked. My guess is that most BWs who stay with their WHs deal with it this way.

Edited June 26, 2013 by White Flower
Buy, not but

[movingon45]

Maybe there's something seriously wrong with me, but, I have NO problem carrying this secret. I will never come clean, and to be honest, now that it's over with, I won't worry at all anymore. What he doesn't know will not hurt him, and vice versa. I wouldn't want to know if he had an affair in the past. If I caught it, while it was happening, I probably wouldn't even leave, I would however, use it to justify some rather expensive purchases

 

I agree. Why cause unnecessary grief/mistrust? Affairs are difficult to forget/forgive.

[sweet_pea]

This reminds me of Gracie Burns. When George cheated on her she made him buy an expensive crystal vase. When a male friend asked Gracie how she forgave George she looked at the vase then looked back at their friend and winked. My guess is that most BWs who stay with their WHs deal with it this way.

 

Lol I was gonna say something smart, but I don't want to get in trouble.

[seren]

This reminds me of Gracie Burns. When George cheated on her she made him buy an expensive crystal vase. When a male friend asked Gracie how she forgave George she looked at the vase then looked back at their friend and winked. My guess is that most BWs who stay with their WHs deal with it this way.

 

Really WF? you think a crystal vase can erase the hurt an A brings to a marriage, or that it all that hurt can be so easily bought off? To reconcile and get my forgiveness H had to give me something far more precious than a vase, the truth, a commitment to look at what he had done and why, for us to honestly look at us and for change. I gave him a very precious thing too, my trust, love was never needed, we had that already.

[Lillyfree]

This reminds me of Gracie Burns. When George cheated on her she made him buy an expensive crystal vase. When a male friend asked Gracie how she forgave George she looked at the vase then looked back at their friend and winked. My guess is that most BWs who stay with their WHs deal with it this way.

 

yes. because 50s comedy and movies about old people are true representation of real life and things as complex as marriage

[Nattie]

woah the only one who threw a stone or called a name was you when you called YOURSELF a skank. Everyone is trying to help you.

 

You can not predict how your husband will react. Many times the other person thinks well if only their spouse had taken better care of their relationship he. the married person, would not need me right now. It's other thinking and what probably causes you to think your spouse would blame himself but in most cases that never happens. They know you can not cause a person to cheat and LIE.

 

You're entitled to your opinion, but I know my husband.

 

If it's done and over with, he would rather not know.

[aliveagain]

Just read Grasisorisnotgreener's post in OM/OW, "D-Day Is Coming, this could still be in your future. To you it will be old news as you have had so much time to prepare for it, to him it will be happening in real time at that moment. The pain is the same, the potential consequence isn't affected by time, the only thing that is affected is the fact you kept it from him and the amount of time you kept it secret because in doing so you chose other man's interests over his. My "ex" didn't expect to be caught.

[imtooconfused]

I find this thread interesting because... In my travels, I came a cross a non-American woman who was divorcing her American husband not because he had an affair, but because he felt the need to confess it to her. In this woman's native culture, people had secret, private affairs, got it out of their system and moved on in their marriages. She saw the confession as the betrayal of trust and a character flaw, not the affair. In her mind she just could not understand why he could not keep that kind of thing to himself.

 

I am not saying one approach is better than the other, I just find it interesting how each person is truly an individual with widely varying thoughts and feelings. Lastly, I am very happy for the OP that she is driving the nails in the coffin of her EA. Kudos to you for being so strong.