Newbie MW here... this is my MM story.

[Nattie]

Ohhh you guys, you're all absolutely right, and I can relate to every single one of these responses. I really haven't made any decisions, or even know what I want to do at this point, but he did ask me to go out with him and a group of friends (we do have mutual friends, they know nothing. We'd have to avoid flirting the entire time) and I said no. With that being said, we have plans later this week, and I haven't broken them. I'm still telling myself, one more time, just one more time. I think if I TOLD him I wanted to end the A, he would let it go (of course I don't know that for a fact) he's not crazy or desperate by any means. He's very reasonable and would probably even suggest we be friends (yes I know that never works, I would have to go full NC).

 

I will come right out and say it, I am very selfish. I want this nice comfortable home life with my family, and then I want forbidden sex on the side. Now that I think about it, I'm a little surprised it took me this long to have an A, even as a little kid I was so spiteful, and did the exact opposite of what I was supposed to do. It's almost like I have to misbehave, and up until I met MM, I just did that in other ways, that didn't involve being unfaithful. Jesus, I need a therapist who enjoys a challenge!

 

I admit that I do like being chased, and if he hadn't chased me, this would have been overwith long ago, because I won't chase him. I won't even text him first....

[Nattie]

Interesting!

 

 

Why do you like to be chased?

 

 

Do you like to be desired?

 

I guess so, I mean I think everyone likes to be desired. I am a flirt, but I never acted on anything, or would even let it become the slightest bit inappropriate. Even when I was young and single I had a MM who used to come into my workplace all the time, I knew he had the hots for me, and I kinda enjoyed it, but when he tried to kiss me one day, I

shut him down and we never spoke again. I don't know why this ONE guy was different...

[Owl]

Ohhh you guys, you're all absolutely right, and I can relate to every single one of these responses. I really haven't made any decisions, or even know what I want to do at this point, but he did ask me to go out with him and a group of friends (we do have mutual friends, they know nothing. We'd have to avoid flirting the entire time) and I said no. With that being said, we have plans later this week, and I haven't broken them. I'm still telling myself, one more time, just one more time. I think if I TOLD him I wanted to end the A, he would let it go (of course I don't know that for a fact) he's not crazy or desperate by any means. He's very reasonable and would probably even suggest we be friends (yes I know that never works, I would have to go full NC).

 

I will come right out and say it, I am very selfish. I want this nice comfortable home life with my family, and then I want forbidden sex on the side. Now that I think about it, I'm a little surprised it took me this long to have an A, even as a little kid I was so spiteful, and did the exact opposite of what I was supposed to do. It's almost like I have to misbehave, and up until I met MM, I just did that in other ways, that didn't involve being unfaithful. Jesus, I need a therapist who enjoys a challenge!

 

I admit that I do like being chased, and if he hadn't chased me, this would have been overwith long ago, because I won't chase him. I won't even text him first....

 

Well...here's the thing. You either get off your @$$ and change the situation...or you continue until one or the other of you gets caught, it all gets drug out into the open, your husband is devestated and traumatized, your family find their world completely ripped out from underneath them, and you feel far, far worse about yourself than you do right now.

 

Because that WILL be the price of your continued silence and participation in this affair.

 

Or...you can be a big girl, make some tough choices, and do what's got to be done NOW, so that you can actually resolve this situation as best as it can be (which may still suck since you're so deep in the affair).

 

Which is it going to be?

 

Keep on cheating until your world turns to shyte, or make a change now to try to fix a crap situation?

 

Today is the day to make that choice.

[Nattie]

I'm not going to end this today. When I do, I want it to be in person, I need physical closure. If I get caught between now and then, I deserve everything I get.

[Artie Lang]

the thing is, if not today-WHEN?

 

you're getting your thrills at the expense of your husband's trust. seriously, how could you go and screw this MM and then go back to your husband without taking his feelings into consideration.

 

you're correct, your are selfish.

 

 

furthermore, you say you never wanted to get married in the first place. that's another lie you just inflicted on your unsuspecting husband. you've been deceptive your ENTIRE marriage!

 

my advice to you is to divorce your husband, as it seems you never loved him the way he deserves to be loved. set this man free. then you can pursue your relationship with "mr. wonderful."

Edited May 13, 2013 by Artie Lang

[Owl]

I'm not going to end this today. When I do, I want it to be in person, I need physical closure. If I get caught between now and then, I deserve everything I get.

 

There will ALWAYS be some excuse as to why it can't end right now, at this moment.

 

But realize...you're still thinking about the price you are willing to pay. Still no view here to the price that your husband and family might pay.

 

You willing to do that to your family for a few more days of fun?

 

REALLY???

[Nattie]

Ok, lets say I do decide to take the plunge and end it abruptly, what do I say? He would be so caught off guard, and although a part of me thinks he will just wish me well and that'll be that, I can see him asking for just ONE more meeting, and I would have a hard time saying no

[Owl]

Ok, lets say I do decide to take the plunge and end it abruptly, what do I say? He would be so caught off guard, and although a part of me thinks he will just wish me well and that'll be that, I can see him asking for just ONE more meeting, and I would have a hard time saying no

 

So he's caught off guard...and?

 

He's a big boy. He'll recover.

 

And that "can't say no" is precisly and exactly why you crave that final meeting...and why you shouldn't have it.

 

Again...step outside of yourself for a minute and start thinking of those folks you've not considered in all of this...your husband and your family.

 

Or...go the other route...end your marriage.

 

Here's the thing...someone was bound to be hurt by all of this from the very moment that the affair started. It was a given. The problem you face right now is deciding who that's gonna be, and informing them of what's going on. And owning your own responsibility in all of this.

 

Again...a given once this all started.

[Nattie]

You say- I no longer want to deceive and betray my husband, because it's not fair to treat the man I made vows with this way. Ask him to never contact you again, and mean it. There is no need for ONE more meeting. Then, block him from all possible forms of communication.

 

Then, file for divorce.

 

I don't want a divorce.

[Owl]

I don't want a divorce.

 

Can you think of a single more likely action to take more likely to lead to divorce than having an affair?

 

You don't want one...but you're deliberately, inentionally inviting one with your actions.

 

If you don't want a divorce...then end the affair and fix your marriage. There are a ton of folks around here who've done exactly that.

 

It starts with ending your affair. It also starts with taking ownership of having had the affair, and rebuilding the honesty in your relationship with your husband by giving HIM the choice to rebuild a marriage with you...with the full knowledge of your affair.

 

So...you've picked a direction...your marriage.

 

Now...take steps to reach your goal. End the affair, and begin a rebuilding process with your H.

 

There is NOTHING stopping you from doing this right now except fear. "Woman up"...get over your fear, and take the actions you need to take.

[Nattie]

I did it. I sent a text, saying that it was done... it was never going anywhere in the first place. Then I blocked his number. I feel a little bit sick to my stomach, and no, I will never tell my husband of the affair. He's jealous enough as it is. The trust would never come back, not that I deserve his trust, I know I don't. I'm going to go soak in the tub and pretend none of this is happening right now

[Decorative]

I did it. I sent a text, saying that it was done... it was never going anywhere in the first place. Then I blocked his number. I feel a little bit sick to my stomach, and no, I will never tell my husband of the affair. He's jealous enough as it is. The trust would never come back, not that I deserve his trust, I know I don't. I'm going to go soak in the tub and pretend none of this is happening right now

 

That's the kind of thinking that caused these issues in the first place.

 

Have you ever thought that he's jealous because of your behavior?

 

If you aren't going to tell him, then I think you should file for divorce.

 

Seriously. You are proposing a bandaid over a bulletwound. Those don't heal. You get sepsis and then everything crashes.

[2sure]

I did it. I sent a text, saying that it was done... it was never going anywhere in the first place. Then I blocked his number. I feel a little bit sick to my stomach, and no, I will never tell my husband of the affair. He's jealous enough as it is. The trust would never come back, not that I deserve his trust, I know I don't. I'm going to go soak in the tub and pretend none of this is happening right now

 

 

I understand completely.

[whichwayisup]

I did it. I sent a text, saying that it was done... it was never going anywhere in the first place. Then I blocked his number. I feel a little bit sick to my stomach, and no, I will never tell my husband of the affair. He's jealous enough as it is. The trust would never come back, not that I deserve his trust, I know I don't. I'm going to go soak in the tub and pretend none of this is happening right now

 

How well do you know your (ex)MM? What if he freaks out that you ended it and tells your husband? Never say never. There are some OW who do tell their MM's wives after the A ends, so there is a possibility that this could happen to you.

 

Anyway, if you're looking for thrills and excitement, go ski diving or something. Seriously, that rush could satisify your urges of thrill seeking.

[Nattie]

How well do you know your (ex)MM? What if he freaks out that you ended it and tells your husband? Never say never. There are some OW who do tell their MM's wives after the A ends, so there is a possibility that this could happen to you.

 

Anyway, if you're looking for thrills and excitement, go ski diving or something. Seriously, that rush could satisify your urges of thrill seeking.

 

I know him very well, he wouldn't say anything. We aren't that type, this was very casual from the beginning, and he has a lot of pride. He wouldn't waste his time for a second with someone who didn't want him anymore. He will probably replace me within the next few months, he's not happy, so he will look for something outside his marriage, and that's not my business or problem anymore.

 

I wasn't prepared for how tough this would be, I'm almost in mouring, which makes me mad. I should have never let him have the power to make me feel like this. I've wondered in my head over and over if he tried to respond to my message, and what he would have said, but I know it's best that I blocked him.

 

Thanks everyone for the push...

[Nattie]

Why do you want to stay married?

 

You haven't answered that question.

 

it is because you don't want to give up your lifestyle? Do you work? Can you not afford to support yourself?

 

it isn't fair to your H to have to live with a wife who doesn't love him like he should be loved. he shouldn't have to just exist with his spouse.

 

What happens the next time a guy looks your way? Will you cheat again?

 

Maybe you should tell your H you want an open marriage - that way you can get all the thrills you want from non-spouse sex? Or would it not be the same if he knew you were sleeping with others---would it not have the same thrill to it?

 

I don't wish you harm; but I do hope your H finds out so he can decide for himself what HE wants. he will get the chance to possibly have a revenge affair or try to reconcile or maybe he will decide he wants/deserves better.

 

You said you were selfish - I believe your choices and your actions are selfish. you know having an affair is wrong and you know it would crush your H; but you are more concerned about you and what YOU want. So set your H free - then you can find someone who is more thrilling for you. I hope your kids don't know that you never wanted to marry their dad and only did so because you got pregnant. That will cause them all kinds of emotional trauma for a very, very long time.

 

Good luck.

 

My husband wouldn't leave me, affair or no affair. I've put him through everything under the sun and still it's like he has tunnel vision only for me. It's not like we have a bad relationship, we were both really young, I got pregnant and we decided to settle down. I don't regret it, and I couldn't ask for a better husband, but if I'm asked to be 100% honest, if I hadn't gotten pregnant, I would have moved on. I have commitment issues up the @$$ (and yes, there are reasons) but he was the first person to stick with me no matter how difficult I was being. He's my security blanket, the only one I've ever had, and even if the marriage isn't perfect, I need him. I learned to love him during the early years, and now I can't or don't ever want to be without him.

 

I don't know why I did this. I'm not proud of it, and I wasn't looking for it, it happened, and before I knew it, I was much more involved than I thought possible.

[ComingInHot]

" Qu’ils mangent de la brioche."

spoken by Marie Antoinette

before she was beheaded by guillotine for treason and her sense of entitlement in her over-indulgence at the peoples expense and demise.

 

Nattie, I'm so glad you ended it w/this guy.

Please be aware the your acknowledgement of your need for thrill, excitement, continuous new adventure, that your decisions affect those around you. Maybe instead of thinking about what you want & deserve, then lying to get it, try being up front and honest about what you want and need from those who are active participants in your life*

Unless your H knows that there is something seriously wrong in how you feel about him & the M, he won't know there is something to work w/you to fix.

 

Nattie sometimes it's not good to eat cake. Look at what happened to Marie Antoinette*

[So happy together]

That's the kind of thinking that caused these issues in the first place.

 

Have you ever thought that he's jealous because of your behavior?

 

If you aren't going to tell him, then I think you should file for divorce.

 

Seriously. You are proposing a bandaid over a bulletwound. Those don't heal. You get sepsis and then everything crashes.

 

Sometimes it's better to let it go. She doesn't have to tell.

[Owl]

Sometimes it's better to let it go. She doesn't have to tell.

 

You're right, she doesn't HAVE TO tell.

 

But she SHOULD, for a myriad of reasons. For her sake, and for his.

[Decorative]

Sometimes it's better to let it go. She doesn't have to tell.

 

It's only better for the person who has lied. And even then, not in the long run.

[Nattie]

I will absolutely never tell H about this, maybe that's not right, I'm sure he deserves to know his wife is a skank, but I just won't do it. I live with far worse demons than this secret, so I'm confident we can just move on. He suspects nothing, and is very happy. He's always been jealous, but that wasn't caused by my actions, more so other men paying me attention RIGHT in front of him, which is rude, and I'd probably get annoyed too.

 

Here's an update on MM, he did contact me. I refused to be friends with him on FB, therefore, I didn't think to block him on that site as well as my phone. He sent a message, saying that we didn't have to stop, it's just sex and we're both having fun. He also said that he was still going to our meeting place this week, just incase I was having a "moment" and changed my mind. You DO. NOT. KNOW. how hard it was to delete and block him without responding. I went to bed last night with such anxiety, I had to get up and take a sleep aid, my mind was racing in a million different directions. When I woke up this morning, I did feel a little better, I like can conquer this. He isn't anything to me, this was never going anywhere, there were no expectations, no promises. Then he friggin' messaged me, and the blues have returned. I know I'm doing the right thing, the sooner I get out the better, but right now it sucks. Plain and simple, it sucks.

 

Apparantly I have some serious issues. The sex with my husband isn't a problem, it's the emotions involved. For him, it's a very loving way to bond and connect with me. I on the other hand, cannot make eye contact during, and immediately afterward, I draw an invisible line down the center of the bed... no hugging or cuddling whatsoever. I enjoy the act itself, it's the affection that goes along with it.

[Decorative]

I will absolutely never tell H about this, maybe that's not right, I'm sure he deserves to know his wife is a skank, but I just won't do it. I live with far worse demons than this secret, so I'm confident we can just move on. He suspects nothing, and is very happy. He's always been jealous, but that wasn't caused by my actions, more so other men paying me attention RIGHT in front of him, which is rude, and I'd probably get annoyed too.

 

Here's an update on MM, he did contact me. I refused to be friends with him on FB, therefore, I didn't think to block him on that site as well as my phone. He sent a message, saying that we didn't have to stop, it's just sex and we're both having fun. He also said that he was still going to our meeting place this week, just incase I was having a "moment" and changed my mind. You DO. NOT. KNOW. how hard it was to delete and block him without responding. I went to bed last night with such anxiety, I had to get up and take a sleep aid, my mind was racing in a million different directions. When I woke up this morning, I did feel a little better, I like can conquer this. He isn't anything to me, this was never going anywhere, there were no expectations, no promises. Then he friggin' messaged me, and the blues have returned. I know I'm doing the right thing, the sooner I get out the better, but right now it sucks. Plain and simple, it sucks.

 

Apparantly I have some serious issues. The sex with my husband isn't a problem, it's the emotions involved. For him, it's a very loving way to bond and connect with me. I on the other hand, cannot make eye contact during, and immediately afterward, I draw an invisible line down the center of the bed... no hugging or cuddling whatsoever. I enjoy the act itself, it's the affection that goes along with it.

 

You might consider that having demons and living with them, and continuing to lie to your spouse is going to keep you stuck in this pattern.

 

I wish you would divorce your spouse, if you won't tell him the truth. It's emotionally abusive, what you're doing. His life is a lie, and you've made it so.

 

I am sorry for your previous injuries and pain.

 

But the path forward is NEVER through lying and harming your spouse.

[Nattie]

You might consider that having demons and living with them, and continuing to lie to your spouse is going to keep you stuck in this pattern.

 

I wish you would divorce your spouse, if you won't tell him the truth. It's emotionally abusive, what you're doing. His life is a lie, and you've made it so.

 

I am sorry for your previous injuries and pain.

 

But the path forward is NEVER through lying and harming your spouse.

 

 

Sometimes, if the betrayal is in the past, the spouse would rather not know. Trust me.

[Decorative]

Sometimes, if the betrayal is in the past, the spouse would rather not know. Trust me.

 

Nope.

 

I am a betrayed spouse. And the only people who don't want to know are people who are not emotionally healthy.

 

Seriously.

 

Only an unhealthy person prefers a lie.

 

Good luck to you. I suspect you'll be walking in circles for a long time to come. You could have a better life.

[Artie Lang]

wow, you have some serious issues.

 

i can almost bet you'll be in the sack with this OM before the month is over. you are so "fogged up" it's not even funny.

 

the reason its so hard is because you don't bear any consequences for your atroscious behavior. i bet if you were to see the devestation in your husbands eyes, you'd be a lot more remorseful

 

you say that your husband won't leave you if you were to tell..... ok then- TELL HIM.