Nattie Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 I don't know how this happened. I went ten years being completely faithful. I am married, so is he. We both have kids. We worked together, and he was flirtatious for months, but I always brushed it off. As time went on, he came on stronger and stronger... I was always extremely attracted to him, from day one, but so what? I come across a lot of good looking guys on a regular basis, and have never considered cheating. One day I decided to play along just to see what would happen, against my better judgement, and it's been on ever since. We kissed a few times, but I made him wait MONTHS (and I do mean many months) to have sex. We're not really secretive, we talk about our spouses/families openly, and have both agreed that this is strictly sexual. I'm a little afraid that it may turn into more than that, not on my end. I have no desire or plans to leave my husband. I just wonder why I'm doing this.. is it the rush? the forbidden passion? Another thing, I absolutely 100% have to be the one to end it. I've had him chasing me for almost a year now, and it's starting to escalate to another level. If I could just see him and have wild hot sex once or twice a year, that would be ideal, but I highly doubt it could be contained to that. I don't know what I'm doing. Should I just end it the next time I see him and get it overwith?
Mycatsnuggles Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 Yes end it now. Both of us are married we said from the beginning we didn't want to end our marriages and we would never be together in real life. The feelings crept in despite my wishes to not become emotionally involved, mm said from the beginning he would fall in love. Now 2 years later I can't stand the thought of not having him a part of my life. It's a constant push pull of feelings. I don't know that women can have sex without becoming emotionally involved. From your post I believe your already developing feelings.. If you keep seeing him the feelings will only become stronger, they interfere withy your marriage and for you your job. Weigh the cost benefits now before y our emotionally attached although I think it's already happened.. 1
whichwayisup Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 If I could just see him and have wild hot sex once or twice a year, So is having hot and wild sex with this MM worth pissing away your marriage and ruining your family unit as one? ON the expense of your husband and children? You have A LOT to lose. All for what? Really give this some thought. 5
Author Nattie Posted May 12, 2013 Author Posted May 12, 2013 I've tried a few times to "end" it by ignoring him, or not texting him first, trying to let it fade out. I've made it a good 5-6 days, and think I'm in the clear, then BAM. I get a txt. We don't work together anymore, thankfully, because the attraction is so obvious, our coworkers would have caught on by now. I just don't want to hear what he has to say when I tell him it's done. I don't like confrontation, I'm the type who would rather just delete his number and go quietly. If he begs or gets upset, I don't know if I have the strength. Obviously feelings have developed, I would never become physical with someone I didn't care about somewhat, but I don't want a "relationship".
Mycatsnuggles Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 Your already in a relationship with him. Block his number with your cell phone provider. Honestly I have been where you are. Your in the beginning stages of building the relationship. While it may feel difficult to "end" now it only becomes worse the longer you go on. He went from being my lover to my friend and once you cross that line it is difficult to imagine living life completely without this person in it. I argue with myself constantly knowing I need to end the affair but being broken hearted at the thought of not having him in my life. Invest yourself in your marriage. Something is lacking their which has allowed you to become involved in an affair. Do some personal examination and stay away from mm until you know. Hugs 1
White Flower Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 Have you asked yourself why you're in this? Have you really sat down and thought about all the pros and cons? Do you not have wild hot sex at home? And lastly, are you simply a thrillseeker? Because I don't know too many 0W that are in this for the thrills.
whichwayisup Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 I've tried a few times to "end" it by ignoring him, or not texting him first, trying to let it fade out. I've made it a good 5-6 days, and think I'm in the clear, then BAM. I get a txt. We don't work together anymore, thankfully, because the attraction is so obvious, our coworkers would have caught on by now. I just don't want to hear what he has to say when I tell him it's done. I don't like confrontation, I'm the type who would rather just delete his number and go quietly. If he begs or gets upset, I don't know if I have the strength. Obviously feelings have developed, I would never become physical with someone I didn't care about somewhat, but I don't want a "relationship". Then tell him it's over and you're sorry if you've hurt him. Ask him to please not email, text, or call you. If you don't like confrontation, then don't have an affair! If you think facing HIM is difficult, imagine how it's going to be when your husband finds out and confronts you! You won't be able to run and hide, pretend all is OK then.
Author Nattie Posted May 12, 2013 Author Posted May 12, 2013 You're all absolutely right. I am a bit of a thrillseeker. As for my marriage, my husband and I are best friends, and I genuinely love him to death, but the truth is I got pregnant, and decided to settle down and have a family. He's just such a wonderful person, and I could never hurt him by leaving (yes I know how bad that sounds, since I'm messing around, which is worse). I would have never gotten married if it weren't for the kids, and that isn't anything against him, I just never wanted marriage, or a serious relationship for that matter. My husband knows who he is, and his wife knows who I am, but only because we worked together, neither one has any idea we're having an affair. I don't know, I have no logical explanation for this other than the fact that I am being extremely selfish. I literally have come to crave the adrenaline rush when I see him, and I know that won't last either. It's definitely not worth ruining my marriage, but I keep thinking, "just one more time, then I'll tell him it's overwith and we'll move on" I really feel like a horrible person right now
CarrieT Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 my husband and I are best friends Best friends confide in each other... Have you or could you confide in your "best friend" that you are having an affair? :rolleyes::rolleyes: Yeah, I thought not. 3
Author Nattie Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 What I meant was, we literally are more like best friends. We laugh nonstop, but the sexual desire isn't there, at least for me. He is always trying to cuddle, and be loving, and for some reason I just can't do that. MM will smack me, and talk dirty, and then I can get up and leave. I don't have to choke out a forced "I love you" after sex. I want sex without feelings. Emotions make me very uncomfortable, and I didn't come here to be judged. 4
So happy together Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Best friends confide in each other... Have you or could you confide in your "best friend" that you are having an affair? :rolleyes::rolleyes: Yeah, I thought not. I have a best friend. I don't tell her EVERYTHING. Just because she is not confiding the affair doesn't mean that her H isn't her best friend. You assume a lot. 4
2sure Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 You know what concerns me here? It's that you are sure you don't want to leave your husband. I mean, Im positive happily married people cheat. Positive. But, by cheating you're wrecking your marriage. Either slowly by creating distance and not being focused...or quickly be being discovered. And that's easy enough to figure out. I'm not trying to convince you either way... But, are you sure you don't want to leave your husband? Consciously or not your taking a pretty direct path down that road.
Author Nattie Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 I don't WANT to want MM. I don't want to be attracted to him, but I am. I wish more than anything that I could feel this with my husband, and I know there's no way to get to that place while I'm involved with someone else. I never thought I would be in this situation, never. Is it as simple as just having more self control?
movingon45 Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Y It's definitely not worth ruining my marriage, but I keep thinking, "just one more time, then I'll tell him it's overwith and we'll move on" I really feel like a horrible person right now So you've never had sex with him yet? I'm in the same place thinking just once to get it out of my system, however, the sex turned out o be amazing and he's now my addiction! I don't think I can handle fwb; it kills me. Women get involved emotionally after the sex part, I think.
White Flower Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I don't WANT to want MM. I don't want to be attracted to him, but I am. I wish more than anything that I could feel this with my husband, and I know there's no way to get to that place while I'm involved with someone else. I never thought I would be in this situation, never. Is it as simple as just having more self control? Nattie, you are exercising plenty of self-control every time you avoid having intimacy with your husband by not being expressive with him. Since you are a thrillseeker, why don't you go take up jumping out of airplanes as a hobby? Then you can get yourself into counseling and learn how to be intimate with your husband if you truly love him. Often times it appears that fear of intimacy leads to having affairs. I hope you figure all this out before anyone gets hurt. 4
Author Nattie Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 So you've never had sex with him yet? I'm in the same place thinking just once to get it out of my system, however, the sex turned out o be amazing and he's now my addiction! I don't think I can handle fwb; it kills me. Women get involved emotionally after the sex part, I think. Ohh yes, we've had sex.... I refused to do anything more than kiss him for six months, he kept on pursuing
whichwayisup Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I don't WANT to want MM. I don't want to be attracted to him, but I am. I wish more than anything that I could feel this with my husband, and I know there's no way to get to that place while I'm involved with someone else. I never thought I would be in this situation, never. Is it as simple as just having more self control? Yes. If you spent half as much energy into your husband and trying harder to reconnect with him, then maybe you wouldn't be looking elsewhere. I feel for your husband, because if you aren't sexually turned on by him and find the sex boring, your marriage is doomed forever on an intimate level. Is there any way you could spice up your sex life with your husband? Be honest with him and tell him what you like, fantasy, roll playing, smacking each other around? going outside of your marriage to fulfill your sexual desires will only make you detach and eventually fall out of love with your husband. If that hasn't happened already.. 4
Mycatsnuggles Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Natie. I feel ya. Sometimes you meet someone and you feel an incredible attraction to them. You don't want to, you don't know why, you didn't look for it. You try to deny the attraction and it seems to grow, drawing the two of you together. So one day you indulge. And it's amazing. You think - ok it will fade with time. The problem is this doesn't always happen. I've been with MM for almost 3 years now. The rush is still there, the feelings more intense then in the beginning. We've discussed wanting to feel these emotions for our spouses but you can't create emotions, can you? We also recognize its an affair and not "real life". I give you the advice I cannot take myself. I recognize your situation because it sounds very similar to my own. Both married to people we get along well with and don't want to end our marriages to be together. Also don't want to stop seeing each other, selfish? Absolutely! It's a circular argument not based on logic or reality just feelings. You asked if you should stop. Yes. Will you? Probably not. We need affair rehab because it is totally an addiction. You either stop cold turkey or contine to indulge and the addiction grows stronger. 3
Author Nattie Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 Thank you snuggles, that was response was really touching. I never even felt guilt until today. I was reading these forums for a while, thinking wow, there's so many people here in the same situation, I'm not alone... and I just wanted to connect with someone who understands I guess. I don't want to stop, I just wish I would naturally lose my desire for him, which probably won't happen. The one thing that makes me nervous, is HIS marriage is crap. They've separated in the past, and I've heard him say numerous times (in conversation with other people) that once his child leaves home, he's getting a divorce. I've also seen her interact with him, and she's downright mean. I try to ignore the fact that he's not happy, because I don't even want to entertain the thought that he and I could be together down the road. I don't want that. I don't even think I COULD feel this way for him if we were both single and able to be together freely.. who knows. I need to just take a few days, and really think. Surely whatever pain I feel after breaking it off with him could never compare to what I would feel if my H were to find out and leave me. Like you said, it's either going to end very soon, or continue for much longer than I ever anticipated. Thank you again for your genuine advice, hugs
Moemone Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 If what you say about your husband is true... Then you need to watch Tyler Perry's movie " Temptation". I'm probably not the best to advise but from what I've learned Marriages and relationships Relationships are hard work and a lot of effort. After the newness things die out because you ( generally speaking) no longer do what you use to to spark things up. From what I read it means your sex life has died a bit, you said that your husband is onto you and lovey dovey, whatever died had died in you, you need to find out what it is and bring it back, maybe try new stuff you and your H has not tried, toys (if you know what I mean) do it somewhere else tell him what you like and want. Tell him talk dirty to you, tell him how you feel. Ill say end it. We don't or we never start an affair with emotions, it's always lust but it happens when you list expected it. So while you can control your emotions let it go. Watch porn try new things with your H try A**l, act like a teenager do some wild stuff with your H. I'm just saying. Open up to him
ComingInHot Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Nattie, Have you even tried talking to you H about what You like in your sex life? Men sometimes just "don't get it" until you tell them (using small direct words*). If MM's M is crap and he is aggressively "pursuing" you, are you concerned at all that he may out you to your H if you "end" things w/him, or his M ends? That would be my fear. Then your dealing w/the fallout and "uncomfortable" emotions from your H, your children and possibly MM's W & MM. That's a whole Lot of emotions for you to deal with all at once for someone uncomfortable w/dealing w/emotions at all...
SweetBella1 Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 (edited) First of all, you're not a bad person. You're human like the rest of us. I truly relate to your story because much of it mirrors my own. I also have a great H & never planned to leave him. xMM never planned to leave his W, either. Like you, I wanted to keep my A light & recreational...I wasn't interested in some secret mutation of a pseudo-marriage btwn me & xMM. Only problem was that xMM needed us to be a "couple" in order to continue to see me. To say he was intense is putting it mildly. He poured attention on me, he kept himself in my head all day, every day. The sex was so amazing...off the charts. Before I knew it - & against my original plans - I'd fallen for him. I'll spare the details but suffice it to say, 95% of affairs end badly. They hurt, one way or another. And it's awful, like withdrawing from a drug. As you mentioned, I also hoped that *I* would be the one in control of when the A ended. But nothing occurred the way I'd planned. I'm a strong willed, educated woman. Yet I was taken by the undercurrent. Against my better judgment I became attached, vulnerable and addicted. Then I got my pride & heart handed to me on a plate, by the very man who'd insisted that we HAD to be boyfriend/girlfriend. Thd man who'd texted me every single day from 6:55 a.m. until he went to bed. He kept himself in my head. It worked. One day it all ended, during a high point in our A. Tomorrow marks 5 weeks NC & I'm still not ok yet. If I could go back, I would not have complied with such an intense, possession-oriented affair. It wasn't right for me & now I regret that I allowed myself to be drawn away from my own needs. My advice to you: be careful. Be careful about investing too much of yourself into the A. This board is chock full of pretty, intelligent women who have been shocked that this man whom they trusted could hurt them, after such intimacy shared. Be careful that your emotions are held back (this will be challenging, as MM will likely intensify the A. You, swept up, high on sexual chemistry, won't even know it's happening until it's too late.) Be careful to protect your family at all costs. This canNOT come to light. My xMM lives 90 mins away & we share no mutual acquaintances. Stick to your boundaries..do NOT get overly attached. If you do, there is real danger that it will put you into a fog & your "real life" will become background noise...everything will start to slip. You will be a stranger to yourself & you will distance yourself from your H & children as the A bond becomes stronger. That is nothing short of horrible. You will feel addicted & you will begin to need more than once or twice a year. Much more. It's not my place to tell you what you should do but if you proceed with the A, keep it on your terms & prepare for the fact that the magical, intoxicating experience *will* end eventually & there will likely be a lot of sadness & withdrawal. You have to decide if you're ok with that. Best of luck to you. Edited May 13, 2013 by SweetBella1 1
grassisorisntgreener Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 :laugh: There is no way in the world that a ten year old penis will feel the same as a brand new penis. That is how life works. All old relationships become calm and relaxing. Those that need a thrill have affairs. Set the sex aside: If you had a daughter and she was about to get married. She has to choose between two men. One man is like your H and the other man is like your MM. Which one would you recommend to your daughter? Do you ever wonder why you need a new penis to feel good and why your H is happy with your 10 year old vagina? Could it be you have a flaw and you need something extra to feel good? Do you ever wonder that you could be boring in bed with your h and therefore he responds in the same manner? It takes two to have great sex and it also takes two to have boring sex. What are you doing? I advice you read about what happens on d-day. You wish to have sex 1-2 times a year and for that you are willing to destroy the lives of your H, children and yourself. You have come up with all the typical rationalizations to justify yourself. Your list is typical and has been said by many MOWs in the past. All of us justify what we do. If you get caught you would wish you never had met the MM. He sounds like a creepy guy from your description, but you enjoy that fact that he chases you. Why? I am in such a similar situation, except I am in love with the other man (he isn't married, and wants a future with me), anyway, this question really struck me as interesting. I'd love to say I'd tell my daughter to marry a man like her father, but in my situation, I'd pick the other man everytime. He is a better person, a better human... it feels so weird to say that, because my husband is a wonderful father.
grassisorisntgreener Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 The OM is not married and you do not love your H. You say OM is a better man, but at the same time would advise your daughter to marry a man like your H? What gives? Maybe I wasn't clear. I'd advise my daughter to marry a man like the OM, not my husband.
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