delayedreaction Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 I know it's a long read but I really need advice on how to get past this. It just hurts so much and I've been trying so hard and I'm not sure I can take it anymore. We've been together for three years. Haven't really been getting along for the past few weeks. On thursday we had a HUGE fight but things seemed okay on Friday. He dropped me off at my house, kissed me good bye and said that he loved me. We talked a bit through fb because he was at work and I don't have a phone right now but then he just stopped responding. Normally after work he's pick me up and go to his place but he never came. I sent him a message and the only thing he said was he and his brother were having a movie night. I sent a couple more messages, and nothing back. Woke up the next day and saw that he had read my messages but didn't respond. I sent another and the same thing. I think I sent two more and by the time eleven at night rolled around I sent him one last one telling him that I knew it was over by the way he was acting. It wasn't the first time it's happened like this and when I woke up the next morning there was a response from him. It said that he was sorry, he tried but he can't get over the way I made him feel and how he has felt for the past weeks. That he has barely enjoyed it. That I stressed him so bad that he felt sick to his stomach. That he loved me so much but I was abusing him and it's unhealthy. He said he was sorry that it hurts so much but he has too because I am killing him, signing off with another i'm sorry. I was shocked at the word abused being used because other than saying things out of anger, which everyone has, and trying to talk to him for longer than I probably should I admit, I have never abused him. It made me angry that he used those words because I've thought that about him and I felt like how dare he play the victim. Our entire relationship has been a mess. Broken up, got back together. After every break up, initiated by him, he has immediately been with other girls, including his ex. He has lied to me multiple times and when he's be shown that he was lying he would get incredibly mad and start to blame me for it. When we weren't together he would drive by my house after work and if I wasn't there he would look for me elsewhere. If we happened to cross paths, he would just drive away. In my opinion he has cheated on me as well. Once he told me he thought we weren't together, the second he blew of plans and ignored me and I found out he was hanging out with some girl his friend used to date. I ended up flipping out and breaking up him. He told me much later that they were just friends but yeah they had slept together that night. His ex has always been a huge problem between us as well because he always tells me he wants nothing to do with her and doesn't talk to her but then it ends up coming out that he does. Recently she broke up with her bf and he's been asking her to hang out. I could never bring up any sort of issue, big or small because he would completely shut down. He would start by getting irritated, then completely mad, then he would curl up into ball and start crying if the conversation turned arguement didn't stop. I don't think I've ever had any issue/want/need of mine resolve or met because of how he reacted every time. There's been things thrown, walls punched, even his head through the way by him. I know this relationship needed to end. I was constantly unhappy and stressed. I never felt good enough, pretty enough, playful enough all because of him always leaving to be with other girls. I couldn't trust him and that made me live my life in a way that I didn't want to and that also hindered me. I don't know what has kept me holding on. I always thought it was love but I'm not sure anymore. I just know that when we are together it's usually pretty awesome, we help each other out and are there for each other. But little things would happen and they would turn into big things. Any fight we've had has pretty much ended up in us breaking up and the blame always falls on me. The longest we've been broken up for is a week and I always try the no contact thing but sooner or later he gets a hold of me somehow. I have even changed my phone number once. Every break up feels like the last break up and every time I hope that is is and I hope that it isn't. I feel miserable and desperately trying to not fall into a hole that I can't come back from. But I'm so very sad and hurt and I can't get our plans and our past out of my head. I can't get that he and his ex may be together. I just can't stand any of it. The burning anxiety feeling inside my chest just gets so bad sometimes and I'm trying so so hard to feel like this is a good thing. That it needs to happen but it's been three years of spending nearly every moment together. Of hearing I love you everyday. Falling asleep every night cuddled up next to each other. Both of us each to help each other out and know I've been thrown away again. After spending and entire day and night really trying to make it work. Really trying to let him know that we can never fight like we did on thursday ever again. He told me he wanted the same things. He told me that he needed to work on his communication as well. I thought I was going to have the chance to put it into motion and he took it away. Now instead that's his last memory of me, of our relationship and that kills me.
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