Here we go again???

[Wellington]

Got a message last night from ex MM. Wanting to see me. I thought I would be okay, I was doing great, so, sure, why not? Now Im back to square one, moping around today, on the verge of tears, missing him so badly I want to throw up. The things he said "I love you", "Im never giving up", "you're my best friend" but he is still with her so I cried, in his arms (of course) and told him to go home. I was absolutely dying when it was time to say goodbye. It was all I could do to not completely lose it in front of him as he kept coming back to hug me.

 

I wish I had never agreed to meet. It's true. The bridge needs to be burned, with zero contact. No looking back. God WHY is this SO hard??? Why was I so stupid???? This is not like me at all. I have never felt this way about anyone before. WHY someone who is unavailable?

[TaraMaiden]

There are umpteen threads on here currently about people breaking NC because it feels right, it won't hurt, it should be ok, it no longer changes anything...

 

Me?

 

I'm just keeping my head down and waiting for the fall-out.

 

I sound like the proverbial wet blanket.

And I would be too, if I wasn't so damn phukking right all the time.

 

[Goodbye]

Got a message last night from ex MM. Wanting to see me. I thought I would be okay, I was doing great, so, sure, why not? Now Im back to square one, moping around today, on the verge of tears, missing him so badly I want to throw up. The things he said "I love you", "Im never giving up", "you're my best friend" but he is still with her so I cried, in his arms (of course) and told him to go home. I was absolutely dying when it was time to say goodbye. It was all I could do to not completely lose it in front of him as he kept coming back to hug me.

 

I wish I had never agreed to meet. It's true. The bridge needs to be burned, with zero contact. No looking back. God WHY is this SO hard??? Why was I so stupid???? This is not like me at all. I have never felt this way about anyone before. WHY someone who is unavailable?

 

 

What the hell is it with these men? And they wonder why we snap and turn "bunny boiler." I'm sorry you are suffering. All you can do is try to not let this happen again, getting sucked back in only to have Mr MM STILL be with his wife with excuse du jour. NC and time. Sigh.

Edited May 12, 2013 by Goodbye
spelling

[Wellington]

I would never go crazy and be a bunny boiler. Not my style. I just wish I were stronger with him. I am incredibly strong in every other aspect of my life. With him, Im putty. I have met some wonderful men, and I want HIM!!

 

I wonder if hypnotherapy would work..

[sybo24]

Sending big hugs to you.

 

I know how you feel, but try and stay strong and keep him out of your life.

 

It is so easy for the MM to come crying back knowing that we will let them in. Using us rather than make a decision and stick with it.

 

Dont be someones second best, be someones NUMBER1.

 

Each day will get better and each day you will get stronger. One day you will wake up and he wont be the first thing on your mind. You will survive this. xx

[Goodbye]

I would never go crazy and be a bunny boiler. Not my style. I just wish I were stronger with him. I am incredibly strong in every other aspect of my life. With him, Im putty. I have met some wonderful men, and I want HIM!!

 

I wonder if hypnotherapy would work..

 

 

I've actually been doing hypnotherapy. It has made me less anxious overall, but I'm still quite preoccupied with my exMM. Do you know of a hypnotherapist or NLP practioner in your area?

[Praying4Peace]

Wellington,

 

You must feel so sad today. I can imagine.

 

How long has it been NC for you? It's just mutual torture for both of you. Regardless of any plans that are made or not made, etc., it brings back feelings on both your ends and puts you in a painful place. For both of you. Maybe less for him because it feels like the situation is in his control, but you have control too. Not seeing him in person, for one thing, will make it a little easier- if you feel like you need to hear what he has to say.

 

Sometimes NC has to be broken in order to stick next time. So let me ask you: Did anything come of it? Did he say anything about how this problem can be solved without NC? Did you ask him if he is working on things at home and whether this helps or hurts that process (which has been committed to)?

 

I'm sure both of you are having a bad day today. If NC truly helps fade away the memories, then tell him that he's hurting you when he breaks that pact and brings back all the feelings. If there is no plan of action, then its really just torturing yourselves.

 

Take care. ((HUGS))

[Wellington]

I dont get it. I mean at the end of the day, he is JUST ONE MAN. He's not god, he didnt hang the moon. Im in love. I get it. But if he treated me poorly, caused me horrible pain, I could move on. NO MAN IS WORTH THAT.

 

What is it that allows so many OW to tolerate this...all for just some man's company.

 

There are other "great connections" "Soul mates" "great loves" out there for each of you.

 

I dont understand the allure of these MM to the OW who post on here and are going through such heartache. Most of the time, the two of you havent even experienced a real, out in the open relationship together, seeing each others' bad moods, families, bills, dirty clothes, etc. Its all just the fantasy bubble.

 

MJ,

 

You are SO correct!

 

His wife sees it all. I get "the best behavior", the neatly dressed and groomed version. The impeccable manners, the charm, then Im sure he goes home and gets "comfortable"! Nobody is perfect, but I have been shown his "best foot forward". It most definitely takes two to make it work and look past all of the imperfections. Im sure he doesn't treat his wife as he treats me, although, I still can't get past being jealous of the time THEY get. I would still put up with the farting, snoring, kid time, managing money, bills, every day life to be with him. I would be willing to "make it work" just to BE with him 24/7. Our life would be chaotic but at the end of the day, HE IS the one I would want to lay down with at night and laugh about our day. HE IS the one I would do ANYTHING for.....even IF he farted on me in the middle of the night. I would still want to snuggle this man and try to make his life happy.

 

Im trying.....I really am, to see that I need to close the door instead of "banging my head on it". I should have NEVER agreed to see him.

[spice4life]

Got a message last night from ex MM. Wanting to see me. I thought I would be okay, I was doing great, so, sure, why not? Now Im back to square one, moping around today, on the verge of tears, missing him so badly I want to throw up. The things he said "I love you", "Im never giving up", "you're my best friend" but he is still with her so I cried, in his arms (of course) and told him to go home. I was absolutely dying when it was time to say goodbye. It was all I could do to not completely lose it in front of him as he kept coming back to hug me.

 

I wish I had never agreed to meet. It's true. The bridge needs to be burned, with zero contact. No looking back. God WHY is this SO hard??? Why was I so stupid???? This is not like me at all. I have never felt this way about anyone before. WHY someone who is unavailable?

 

UGH..(((Hugs))). My stomach is hurting for you because I know very well how that use to feel. Unfortunately, when you get wrapped up in it, it takes some back and forth before you finally decide it's enough and you won't betray yourself like that anymore. Don't beat yourself up; just reset the clock and carry on as best by you can by taking it one day... one hour... one minute... one second if you have to. Focus on seeing yourself being adamant about not willing to sacrifice who you are for a relationship that hurts you and doesn't give you what you want and need. Easier said than done though, I know! You just have to get yourself to the point where your inner strength overrides the weakness you feel for him.

[Wellington]

SonofaB!!!! He is doing to to me AGAIN!! I am SO mad. Been two days and NOTHING. His last message was indifferent, not really saying too much. Wanting to now when our next "get together" would be. Have to admit, I was semi indifferent with him too only because I was hoping HE would step up to the plate and make an effort. Nope....NOTHING!! OMG!! WHY do I care?!?!?! Somebody PLEASE tell me this douche is NOT worth my time or effort!!

 

NEVER again!! "Love" my A*#!! Aaaarrrgggg.....

[RickFox]

SonofaB!!!! He is doing to to me AGAIN!! I am SO mad. Been two days and NOTHING. His last message was indifferent, not really saying too much. Wanting to now when our next "get together" would be. Have to admit, I was semi indifferent with him too only because I was hoping HE would step up to the plate and make an effort. Nope....NOTHING!! OMG!! WHY do I care?!?!?! Somebody PLEASE tell me this douche is NOT worth my time or effort!!

 

NEVER again!! "Love" my A*#!! Aaaarrrgggg.....

 

You're a fish on the end of the line and he keeps pulling you in. No, he's not worth it. No man or woman is worth it when they play with someone's heart/head. Cut the fishing line.

[NPP10]

Sending you hugs and thoughts! I've been in your situation as well.

 

How long ago did the two of you end your A?

[Wellington]

Thats the thing.....we had ended....or so I thought, then we reconnected after a month of NC, had a fantastic night and I haven't heard from him since. I don't know what to think. Maybe I do know what I should think, but my heart doesn't really know how to think logically.

 

We have been doing the back and forth "dance" for a year. "I love you, can't do this anymore", we end. then we get back together. one of us breaks NC. Or he just disappears for a few weeks so I end it......then he reconnects again and Im putty. It's stupid really. We hadn't talked in over a month this past round of NC. He gave me a valid reason which I honestly DO believe although, if I had been in his place, I still would have tried to contact him. I fully believe he cares, I just think, I care more. I understand the logistics of our "relationship" and it has it's challenges and we are both busy but seriously, how can you pour your heart out one minute, tell me you love me, Im your best friend, what we have is special......then......nothing. No, "hey, how are you today"? Nothing?!?!? The last time he emailed me (before the NC a month ago). He was considering separation. No mention of that now. We had the best night when we reconnected and it's like he has completely forgotten about me again. GAHhhhh!!!

[scatterd]

MJ,

 

You are SO correct!

 

His wife sees it all. I get "the best behavior", the neatly dressed and groomed version. The impeccable manners, the charm, then Im sure he goes home and gets "comfortable"! Nobody is perfect, but I have been shown his "best foot forward". It most definitely takes two to make it work and look past all of the imperfections. Im sure he doesn't treat his wife as he treats me, although, I still can't get past being jealous of the time THEY get. I would still put up with the farting, snoring, kid time, managing money, bills, every day life to be with him. I would be willing to "make it work" just to BE with him 24/7. Our life would be chaotic but at the end of the day, HE IS the one I would want to lay down with at night and laugh about our day. HE IS the one I would do ANYTHING for.....even IF he farted on me in the middle of the night. I would still want to snuggle this man and try to make his life happy.

 

I'm trying.....I really am, to see that I need to close the door instead of "banging my head on it". I should have NEVER agreed to see him.

 

 

Sorry for your pain, I understand you love him but if you was with him full time as the wife is he may do the same to you. It hurts to be on either side. In time when you have been in complete NC you will see things different. This man claims he loves you but love should not hurt this way. Being with him full time would not be the way you think he would still be broken. After time you may become old love as his wife and he could seek OW again. He does not treat you good, you deserve better. He remains with his wife and he can get out if he wants. I hope you find the strength in you to move on and find someone that is able to give you everything need.

Big Hugs

[Wellington]

God hockey fan!!! How right you are!! I've made excuses for his behavior, absence, whatever, because of the nature of our situation. I may as well have been a prostitute. Jumping at every chance to see him. Allowing him to use me when it's convenient for him. I feel sick. I totally sold myself out. I have been awake for hours. Maybe slept three in total, tossing things around in my head. Im exhausted, but Im getting it. I would still like to think there was at least "some" truth to his words, so I don't feel so cheap but eventually I will get to a place where I really won't give a flying fox fart!

 

Yeah...."impeccable manners".....lol....how right you are!!

 

Thank you....I needed that kick in the tush!

[MrWindupBird]

Your story breaks my heart.

 

Change your number if possible and block your facebook or whatever.

 

He can't help it, and neither can you. There's chemistry between you and he in this mad world of ours, and chances are you're doomed to repeat this heartache.

 

My OW gave me an ultimatum. I know many people strongle advise against this, but I put her off because I didnt want to kill my wife with a divorce, but my OW was who I wanted, so I left. It had to happen, so I personally think they're a good idea.

[Wellington]

Wow!! You left for your OW??? That shows great courage and strength.

 

I don't know that I could give him an ultimatum. I do know his situation at home outside of our relationship. I honestly would not want to be in his shoes if he decided to leave his family. It would be a huge struggle for him. His job already takes him away from his family regularly. Im sure he is already under enough stress without my adding to it. Add to that, we both agreed from the onslaught that we would never change our current situations. We also agreed we wouldn't fall in love, lol, look how THAT turned out!!

 

I need to move on. If he wants to be in my life, he can catch up!

[MrWindupBird]

Wow!! You left for your OW??? That shows great courage and strength.

 

I don't know that I could give him an ultimatum. I do know his situation at home outside of our relationship. I honestly would not want to be in his shoes if he decided to leave his family. It would be a huge struggle for him. His job already takes him away from his family regularly. Im sure he is already under enough stress without my adding to it. Add to that, we both agreed from the onslaught that we would never change our current situations. We also agreed we wouldn't fall in love, lol, look how THAT turned out!!

 

I need to move on. If he wants to be in my life, he can catch up!

 

Yes. We're married with a family now.

 

We had a very dark period that put us together for good. I saw her for a year while married. She became very jealous of my life with my ex-wife. She started seeing an ex-boyfriend and didn't tell me. She did it to get back at me when she found a bad picture on my camera. I at first was startled that she was seeing another man, but how in the world could I be mad at her when I had a wife at home?

 

So she said if I didn't leave, she was moving out of state with him to start a new life. She didn't think I'd leave because it had been a year. I showed up to her door late that rainy night with my school bag full of textbooks and some clothes, she couldn't believe it, and we've been together since.

 

I hate to hurt people, and my ex-wife didn't deserve it. But it was the idea of losing my then-OW that forced me to act. I know many MM have no intention of leaving their wife, but in my case it was the ultimatum that made me make the call. If there's any chance your MM is like I was, that he just couldn't hurt his wife, then an ultimatum could work. Otherwise, I'm not sure.

 

I do hope you find happiness, though. You deserve it.

[Wellington]

Im proud of you for taking such a big step. I have also left my husband. OM is still with his wife. Told me from the beginning he could never leave, he loved her, he just felt neglected. We were in the same place two yrs ago. I had no intention of leaving either. Fast forward, I have left my marriage, he talked to me about separating from his wife then disappeared for a month (with good reason-he proved why he didn't contact), only to come back and tell me things at home were now smooth but he loved me etc. I highly doubt an ultimatum would work. You, clearly loved your OW. Im beginning to realize that I am nothing more than a convenient lay. I would only look like an idiot if I started throwing around ultimatums.

 

Im giving up. It's my only option.

[Praying4Peace]

Im proud of you for taking such a big step. I have also left my husband. OM is still with his wife. Told me from the beginning he could never leave, he loved her, he just felt neglected. We were in the same place two yrs ago. I had no intention of leaving either. Fast forward, I have left my marriage, he talked to me about separating from his wife then disappeared for a month (with good reason-he proved why he didn't contact), only to come back and tell me things at home were now smooth but he loved me etc. I highly doubt an ultimatum would work. You, clearly loved your OW. Im beginning to realize that I am nothing more than a convenient lay. I would only look like an idiot if I started throwing around ultimatums.

 

Im giving up. It's my only option.

 

I'm sure you weren't just a convenient lay. He's not acting like someone who loves you above all else...but there are things between that and just a convenient lay. Don't beat yourself up.

And you don't need to give a verbal ultimatum...not engaging in the A is 'ultimatum' enough. I mean, he's not that stupid is he? If you want to make clear that you don't do anything with married people, that's enough.

[spice4life]

Ugh...Wellington I feel bad for you. I remember those days when I was in the middle of the back and forth dynamic. Not fun, very painful - not to mention the huge ding the after effect has on your self esteem. It's an awful awful feeling. (((Hugs)))

 

The only advice I have is that no matter how strong the pull is you DO have the power to put a stop to it. It is okay to ask yourself if this affair is giving you what you want and need. If it tears you down more than it builds you up it's time to reaccess your needs and take action. I know it's hard though. You are still connected to the pull of the affair and if you let it, it can go on and on before you've finally had enough. If you have the strength to recognize this then it's time to use that strength to put a stop to it for your own sake and emotional well being.

[forgetmenot75]

Wellington, I'm sorry you're hurting.

I just wanted to let you know that he wants you for sex and to boost his self esteem. And I think you deserve better.

The decision is yours. He might contact you for all the wrong motives, but you have the power to say NO. Be strong and reject him.

You'll feel so much better.

[Wellington]

Woke up to a text this morning.....he's back. After a week of NC, and you're right, he has been thinking of me non stop. Wants to get together, he misses me. Blah, blah, blah....usually if I "miss someone", I contact them. I read once, "if they want you, they will find a way, if not, they will find an excuse". Tired of excuses.

 

I haven't responded. Decided to come here instead and type it out. Get some "DONT DO IT" responses!! lol. I always respond. Im curious to see what my silence (for once) will illicit?! Day off today with my little one. I think I will go bake all day!!

[DelusionalOne]

Am I too late? It's been 2 hours.. Don't do it. Climb off this roller coaster!!! I'd bless you though... I don't think I could hold out if I was being called and texted "I love you" and "I miss you". Be strong!

[Wellington]

Well D-O,

 

I DID message him back. More or less giving him proper he*#, told him that I am better than all of this back and forth crap. I wasn't too kind. I'll admit I probably sounded like a mad woman. It felt great to write it (albeit I also had some-alot of "liquid courage"). Now today I feel horrible. I should have just ignored it. Now I think I look crazy:(. I still mean the words, I just regret sending it, now that Im sober....Ugh. What a bloody mess this whole situation has turned my life into.