Dating dilemma - choice between two women

[markus36]

I'm in the UK, and I've been dating a woman for about three months - it was going well, and she's nice, friendly, no big problems of which I'm aware - I like her.

 

Then, a few weeks ago, I was on a business trip and met a woman from Paris one evening - just walking along the street - we went for a coffee, and then for dinner, and she invited me back to her apartment (I walked her home but I didn't go in). She is, to my mind, incredibly beautiful.

 

Since I got back, I've been worried about the woman I've been dating. I shouldn't have had my head turned by this other woman. The parisian would like to see me again, and to be honest, I'm excited, but I think in a way it can never work - the woman I'm dating here (my girlfriend) is definitely more of a safe bet.

 

I can't date two women, and so I have to decide whether to go to Paris for a weekend, and if I do, I'd have to end it with my girlfriend, or drop the Parisian, and see how things go with my girlfriend.

 

What would you do? I'm torn between what my emotions say, and what my head is saying

[Maleficent]

I'm in the UK, and I've been dating a woman for about three months - it was going well, and she's nice, friendly, no big problems of which I'm aware - I like her.

 

Then, a few weeks ago, I was on a business trip and met a woman from Paris one evening - just walking along the street - we went for a coffee, and then for dinner, and she invited me back to her apartment (I walked her home but I didn't go in). She is, to my mind, incredibly beautiful.

 

Since I got back, I've been worried about the woman I've been dating. I shouldn't have had my head turned by this other woman. The parisian would like to see me again, and to be honest, I'm excited, but I think in a way it can never work - the woman I'm dating here (my girlfriend) is definitely more of a safe bet.

 

I can't date two women, and so I have to decide whether to go to Paris for a weekend, and if I do, I'd have to end it with my girlfriend, or drop the Parisian, and see how things go with my girlfriend.

 

What would you do? I'm torn between what my emotions say, and what my head is saying

 

 

It is normal to be attracted to other women even when you are in a relationship. Even us women think of other men at times.

 

First of all congrats on resisting the Parisian's invitation. This was big of you.

 

 

About your girlfriend, you say it's going well and that you like her.

About the Parisian, you only say she is beautiful. Incredibly beautiful, sure. But what do you know else about her? Are you just attracted to her because you think she's hot?

 

Think about this. I think you answered your question in your post.

[markus36]

I get that it's normal to be attracted, but I didn't expect to have such an exciting evening so early into a relationship - if I was married, say, I would accept that it was part of the way things normally go.

 

I don't know a great deal about the French woman - we did go for dinner, and we talked, and joked, and there was definitely chemistry, a spark. It could simply be that it's because she's hot, exotic, unobtainable, but I did enjoy her company for that one evening, and she enjoyed mine. I think her politics don't quite align with mine.

[Maleficent]

I get that it's normal to be attracted, but I didn't expect to have such an exciting evening so early into a relationship - if I was married, say, I would accept that it was part of the way things normally go.

 

I don't know a great deal about the French woman - we did go for dinner, and we talked, and joked, and there was definitely chemistry, a spark. It could simply be that it's because she's hot, exotic, unobtainable, but I did enjoy her company for that one evening, and she enjoyed mine. I think her politics don't quite align with mine.

 

So you'd be willing to waste the possible long-term relationship for an exciting evening with a random woman?

[markus36]

I suppose I'm worried that after two or so months, I shouldn't have been tempted by the Frenchwoman - I should have been besotted with my girlfriend

[markus36]

I know what my feelings say, but I tend to think my feelings are a bit unreliable -I feel a bit annoyed that I can see myself ending a relationship with someone who is a good person to chase after a silly fantasy

[carhill]

Out of curiosity, did you spend a whole evening with a woman and not mention your GF once, not even in passing? How about her?

 

IMO, you received a gift. You clearly see that you can find other women attractive enough to spend an evening with, even while in a LTR/relationship. Had your girlfriend been along, how would things have gone? Reflect upon those issues and take away some lessons to help in future relations, whether they be with the lady from Paris or the girlfriend from home or someone completely different.

 

If you could choose right now, this minute, with all else being equal and with no chance of a re-do, what would you choose? Why?

[markus36]

No, I didn't mention my girlfriend - it didn't really come up - but I also suppose I knew the score after a while - we were on a date.

 

What do you mean by a gift? I'm not sure I understand.

 

Had I been with my girlfriend I would never have stopped to speak to her - I know that I was crossing a line in a sense - but not a huge line - we'd been dating for about two months.

 

If I had to choose right now, it would be french woman - but that's because I'm intrigued by her - that's not necessarily a reliable way to choose

[markus36]

No I appreciate it's not all looks - but I didn't spend an evening just looking at her - I was talking to her - she was funny, made me laugh - she was interesting

[carhill]

What do you mean by a gift?

 

In this case, an opportunity for clarity. I call such opportunities 'gifts'. If a confluence of events did not occur, then the gift would have never come into being.

 

If I had to choose right now, it would be french woman

 

Your choice reflects your thought processes on the matter. My advice would be to end your relationship with your girlfriend.

 

Why? Because there's a whole subtext going on here that is completely opaque to her and you've essentially de-prioritized her with free will, by choosing the Parisian girl you're intrigued by. If two months of serious get to know, intimacy and sex is so easily displaced, let it go.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

No I appreciate it's not all looks - but I didn't spend an evening just looking at her - I was talking to her - she was funny, made me laugh - she was interesting

 

I'm happy that she made you laugh and was interesting, but is she a total nutjob?

 

You don't know and won't know until much later.

 

With the girl you have at home, you KNOW she's cool.

 

Plenty of hot girls out there. Very few of them will be loyal. As they say, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

[markus36]

I'm an idiot, and I'm really torn here

[curlygirl40]

Most women are not good people.

 

Seriously? Wow

[curlygirl40]

Are you more torn about trying to decide between these two women or is it more that you are concerned about your current relationship because you feel like if you were invested in girl #1 that girl #2 would not have turned your head??

 

I know the thread title makes it sound like you're trying to decide between two but from reading your posts it sounds like you're confused about if you really like girl #1, then why would you have the feelings you have about girl #2.

 

True?

[markus36]

I think it's more the former - I suppose I've got myself in a position where the frenchwoman has made it clear that she'd like to see me again - and so I do have to make a choice

 

If I knew I was never going to see the frenchwoman again, I'd be more worried about the latter - why was my head turned? Is there something missing from my relationship

 

Because I'm tempted to go, that could mean that there's something wrong with my relationship, or that I'm an idiot (or both)

[curlygirl40]

I think it's more the former - I suppose I've got myself in a position where the frenchwoman has made it clear that she'd like to see me again - and so I do have to make a choice

 

If I knew I was never going to see the frenchwoman again, I'd be more worried about the latter - why was my head turned? Is there something missing from my relationship

 

Because I'm tempted to go, that could mean that there's something wrong with my relationship, or that I'm an idiot (or both)

 

IMO I think it means one of two things:

 

1. You're not as ready to settle down as you thought you might have been, so you still want to see what else is out there

 

2. You're not REALLY into girl #1.

 

I think if you were really into her, you wouldn't even be considering it. The fact that you are considering it would lead me to believe that you're not really into her.

 

Don't get me wrong, I know just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean that you're dead and you can't notice another attractive female, but that's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about you breaking up with #1 to see if there's potential with #2.

 

I'm going to give conflicting advice. My gut reaction is to stay with girl #1 because chances are very good that the grass will not be greener on the other side. She's like a fantasy and you want to go in that direction just to see.

 

But my real advice is to see where it goes with #2 because the fact that you are considering it means (to me) that you're really not as invested in girl #1 than you think.

 

I think you might regret it in the end though, if you go this route.

[markus36]

I think the truth is, I can't be as into my girlfriend as I should be - I also think I'm going to be a fool if I go for this frenchwoman, and I could get hurt - I feel I almost have to go and get my fingers burned here - but it'll be something I'll regret

[anna121]

If, after only two months, my head was turned by someone else to the extent you're describing, I would let the first one go.

[markus36]

I think it's only fair that I have to let my girlfriend go - If she were seriously considering a trip to Paris to see someone else, there's no way I'd want to be with her - if anything, this is a test of how much I'm into my girlfriend, and the truth is I can't be as much as I should - no matter what I want to change, I can't change that fact.

 

Going to Paris is then a completely separate issue, isn't it? I can't really expect anything to come of it

[othersideofthepillow]

it seems to me like you talked yourself right in to ending it with your girlfriend.

 

We are all human beings and can be attracted to more than one person at a time. You had said earlier that if you were with your GF that you would have never even looked at this other woman. Well why is that? Is it because you would have been enjoying the time with your GF and she had all your focus or would you just not have seen her?

 

Also, what would have happened if you would have told this other woman that you had a GF during your night of getting to know each other. She may have ended it right than and there and would have never wanted to see you again. The fact that the other woman doesn't even know of your GF changes the situation entirely cause in her mind you BOTH are completely available when in actuality only she is.

 

In my opinion, I would let #2 go and think of it as a nice night out with a good person and leave it at that. The fact that you are having this hard of a choice also shows that you do have stronger feelings than you thought for your GF otherwise you wouldn't be torn at all.....

 

....so keep your GF!!!

[markus36]

I'm completely torn here - had I been with my gf, yes, I would have been enjoying my evening with her - maybe the FW was just bad timing

[todreaminblue]

I'm in the UK, and I've been dating a woman for about three months - it was going well, and she's nice, friendly, no big problems of which I'm aware - I like her.

 

Then, a few weeks ago, I was on a business trip and met a woman from Paris one evening - just walking along the street - we went for a coffee, and then for dinner, and she invited me back to her apartment (I walked her home but I didn't go in). She is, to my mind, incredibly beautiful.

 

Since I got back, I've been worried about the woman I've been dating. I shouldn't have had my head turned by this other woman. The parisian would like to see me again, and to be honest, I'm excited, but I think in a way it can never work - the woman I'm dating here (my girlfriend) is definitely more of a safe bet.

 

I can't date two women, and so I have to decide whether to go to Paris for a weekend, and if I do, I'd have to end it with my girlfriend, or drop the Parisian, and see how things go with my girlfriend.

 

What would you do? I'm torn between what my emotions say, and what my head is saying

 

 

you were tempted....remember the reasons why you are with your gf and stay.....leave the whisps to temptation and move on with your life....with the girlfriend you have now......deb

[scorpio1978]

Maybe I expect too much, but I think it is extremely inappropriate for you to have dinner with another woman when you are dating someone else. Someone you call your "girlfriend" is not somebody that you are casually dating, in my opinion, so I feel that it was disrespectful of the woman you are with now to do that. The fact that she never came up in conversation seems even more weird to me and alternatively, if I was the Parisian woman and found that you had someone in your life, yet had dinner with me and such, I would be quite disappointed in you and would not trust you.

 

That said, I feel that you met someone who sparked your interest more than the situation you are in right now and you really run the risk of one of several things. Let's say you end things with your girlfriend, go see the Parisian and have a horrible time, wishing you had not ended things with your girlfriend afterall? Then, you are stuck with neither. Might not be a bad thing considering it doesn't seem like you are very much interested in your current relationship. Your girlfriend may seem like a safe choice, but she isn't giving you the feeling that she is the only one you want to be with. Could it be that you need more time with her to let more feelings develop, or could it be that she just isn't the one for you? Who knows?

 

I honestly say end it with your GF. No offense, but she doesn't deserve to have a man in her life so quick to turn his head at another and have dinner with someone else behind her back and you, as every human being does, deserves to be happy. Maybe the Parisian will be the one to make you happy, and if not, maybe she will be the distraction you needed to get oout of a relationship that wasn't right for you.

[markus36]

Thanks, I am taking all these different opinions in - they're a mixture of stay with gf, end with gf - I just don't know - I'm not proud of myself here - we were just crossing the line from casual dating to boyfriend/girlfriend when it happened