Should you keep feelings about an ex to yourself or just tell them?

May 12, 2013

So. I was thinking of just telling my ex how I feel abut him, a scary concept considering there have been no signs of reconciliation (in 2.5 months after 2.5 years together). Only civil conversation between us initiated by me (the dumpee).

There is always that thing of 'what if he feels the same about me and hasn't said' but there is also a huge chance I look desperate/needy.

If you dont say whats in your heart can it eat you up from the inside so to speak?

Is it better to have hope than to truly find out?

More importantly does anyone have experiences with this kind of thing? and how did it work out?

Thanks.

May 12, 2013

You may as well just do it. At least you can say you tried.

May 12, 2013

I didn't go straight into NC when he left - I told him absolutely everything I felt and everything I needed him to know. Some might call that being desparate or needy, but I'm glad I did it because although it changed nothing, at least now when he looks back on our relationship he will never question that I really loved him and was willing to fight for us.

However, since 2.5 months have already past and he broke up with you, if he 'feels the same way' and wants to get you back it is his job to iniciate the conversation. Telling him now will probably just bring you back to day 1 of the BU and won't do you any good.

May 12, 2013

But if he isn't initiating it, you aren't going to get the answer you want. No guy (or girl) ever dumped someone and then sat around knowing they had made a huge mistake and being too scared to fix it.

If you can handle being ignored or told definitely no, with the attendant loss of pride, then it will give you closure and you might see it as a good thing in time. But personally I am choosing to take silence/ignorance as better than the alternative.

I feel horrible for you (and me!). Hardest thing on the planet: to accept that you cannot make them care, no matter what you do

May 12, 2013

But if he isn't initiating it, you aren't going to get the answer you want. No guy (or girl) ever dumped someone and then sat around knowing they had made a huge mistake and being too scared to fix it.

If you can handle being ignored or told definitely no, with the attendant loss of pride, then it will give you closure and you might see it as a good thing in time. But personally I am choosing to take silence/ignorance as better than the alternative.

I feel horrible for you (and me!). Hardest thing on the planet: to accept that you cannot make them care, no matter what you do

Worded perfectly.

Thats the only thing keeping me going. I am trying to accept she doesnt care, after everything she promised me, even though I know that if she DID she would reach out to me.

My first ex, I ended it, and 24 hours later reached out an olive branch, even though there was no future, and we cleared the air, and went our seperate ways. The fact that some people (our current exes) cant have this same courtesy tells us alot about them in general, right?

May 12, 2013

She probably does care. A lot. I know my ex does. When we said goodbye (again!) last week, he cried.

But they don't care Enough, or in the right way, and so as far as we are concerned, they might as well not care at all. Horrific to swallow, but we have to learn, otherwise we'll never ever move on. And we certainly don't want that!

May 12, 2013

Worded perfectly.

Thats the only thing keeping me going. I am trying to accept she doesnt care, after everything she promised me, even though I know that if she DID she would reach out to me......

The fact that some people (our current exes) cant have this same courtesy tells us alot about them in general, right?

Yes, it does. Personally, I am a very strong person and know that I can recover from any hurt within a relatively short period of time. Not b/c I'm superman, b/c I am in tune with who I am and have a healthy outlook on life. I AM A "HOPEFUL" ROMANTIC! WHOOP WHOOP!

My regret would be to not have told someone how I felt despite the chances of rejection, lack of response. For me, it is part what I need for closure. It's absolutely crazy what I've been through the last year and I look back with amazement....anywhooo....

If you don't tell her/him, then you'll NEVER know what could have been. Don't get too mushy, but be clear and do not sound desperate. Also, it is important, so so so important that you are prepared to lose that person all together. Are you? Have you already? Then go for it.....Lol!

May 12, 2013

I don't think it's that they don't care but they certainly want to portray themselves that way with you so they give off the vibe that there strong and independent, some people are insecure like that but yeah I get where your coming from, it is cruel but unless they want you back then there not going to make that effort, they've already thought up the no contact method before you ever read a thread on this website, my ex just like the one before her didn't give me an ending, I hate her for that, it was very selfish and it can mess with your head and give you the feeling that you are and always have been worthless to them, I remember my first real relationship, I got over it really quickly, she met up with me and sat down with me an explained why she was doing this to me, she cried her heart out, apologised and kissed me one last time, that broke my heart but knowing she felt like that and seeing the emotions on her sleeve like that gave me the closure I needed to move on, just hearing the words I love you as her tears brushed my cheek, I knew what we had was real and I knew I really did mean the world to her, the break up was just unfortunate in the end, we even went to our favourite coffee shop for one last shot of mocca cocca (whatever the hell that way lol) but to this day I respect her and I'll always think back on that break up and that relationship so fondly because of that, it allowed me to feel indifferently towards her, she spared me of so much pain, I remember spending maybe 2 weeks sobbing around and playing video games then I lived my life again, still thought about her but not in a bad way.

May 12, 2013

That is so "nice". Sad it ended, but so respectful. I really wish my ex wouldve done that, maybe put the kettle on, sat me down and said "look, I dont want to string you along, you are wonderful and kind, but I just dont feel we have the right connection, so its best we end this now".

Instead we had an amazing night out with friends, got back home and started getting it on then BAM "I dont love you, I dont want to be with you, its best you leave". WHAT THE F***?????????

Im left with SO many open wounds

May 12, 2013

That is so "nice". Sad it ended, but so respectful. I really wish my ex wouldve done that, maybe put the kettle on, sat me down and said "look, I dont want to string you along, you are wonderful and kind, but I just dont feel we have the right connection, so its best we end this now".

Instead we had an amazing night out with friends, got back home and started getting it on then BAM "I dont love you, I dont want to be with you, its best you leave". WHAT THE F***?????????

Im left with SO many open wounds

Sorry to hear that. My experience is vastly different. I ended it with my ex in a way that could only be described as AMAZING! We ended it on confusing, yes, but extremely positive terms. So, pouring myself out was easy and in no way compromising. Also, I had/have nothing to lose. But, I had to tell her for my sake.

In the end, I know it won't work out or be like it was. It can't. It was frustrating being "with" her and our going our own separate ways was and is poetically appropriate.

May 12, 2013

But if he isn't initiating it, you aren't going to get the answer you want. No guy (or girl) ever dumped someone and then sat around knowing they had made a huge mistake and being too scared to fix it

As someone who has reconciled with his ex a month ago, this is 100% truth. If they want you back, they will stop at nothing to get the message to you. I blocked my ex everywhere. She ended up messaging my brother a few times before finally getting through to me.

So pour your heart out to your ex. What is the goal though?

May 12, 2013

If people weren't so scared to be vulnerable we might have more respectful break ups like that, it's ashame we don't because a lot of people in the world dont deserve to feel like this and it could possibly be avoided.

I know what you mean though man, that's a hard or to get over be aide you just can't believe it when things are generally going good and then it all comes out o nowhere, my ex pretty much said the same to me, she tried to reword it later on but there's no way of taking something like that back or making it better.

It was weird because she did something I was uncomfortable with and I told he before Hand that I was uncomfortable with it. I knew she'd do it anyway, she always does, it was a flat warming party, I hate house parties, always put me on edge, she acted so casual and care free about it the day after like she hadn't done anything wrong, I was calm about it, really wanted to shout at her at that point but simply said "give me some time to myself for a few days to get ove this" and she then said she wasn't in love with me anymore and wasn sexually attracted to me anymore, said it like it wasn't a big deal.

It's been a week or so now since the break up and honestly, I don't know how to feel, yeah I'm broken up but what am I really missing out on?, an insensitive inconsiderate bitch who does what she wants and doesn't care who she's hurting, yeah I was on the trip of a life time, worst tho was, she tried to turn it round on me, **** knows how that works.

Looking back now I think she was a spoilt little child and didn't take the relationship for a serious one, what really got me was that 2 weeks before i bought her an iPad mini (not cheap) and what a waste of money that turned out to be, I think I'm getting to the point where I just don't care anymore because I expect nothing from her but this kind of bull ****, I'll miss her for a the good she did but I can do without being strung along and messed around, one thing I knew would hold me back would be for her to sleep with someone as but right now, I just don't care anymore and the though doesn't bother me anymore like it used to, I think it's time she got kicked off her pedestal and for me to accept shes gone and accept her for what she really is, a bitch.

May 12, 2013

Simon, dude, I REALLY wish I had your strength right now!

My head is saying "she was a bitch, you treated her good and she did this to you, she has a dodgy past, and could you ever really trust all that ****", but my heart is going "man, I miss her hugs, kisses, curves and body, smell, smile, the way her hair was etc etc " and its making my head spin!!

Maybe I should go on a casual date to just enjoy myself and remember she is not the only girl in the world?

May 12, 2013

I've been in a situation like this before and I think i realised what a hopeless situation it is because id been in the exact same one before this, trust me, a huge part of me wants her to call right now and for things to go back to the way we were, that's a dream though and in reality it isn't going to happen and if it did would it be normal again? I don't think so, she wouldnt put the effort in to keep me around so I doubt she would be willing to make right what she said and make me feel safe with her again, it just isn't going to happen and in reality there's no fixing that, that's just the kind of person she is, cruel and selfish an just not worth spending your time trying so hard for, break down those walls man and see her for what she really is as not just the dream of desperation that shrouds your mind, you'll be surprised what you find, I'll miss her and like you, I crave her soft tender touch and the love i once cherished but she threw that away and I'm not going to let myself be a part of a one sided romance alone, she very well love me and miss me too but it means nothing if she doesn't show it.

May 12, 2013

Sorry for the mistakes in these posts by the way, Tapping away on the iPod touch lol

May 12, 2013

A part of me wants to tell and part of me doesn't. Perhaps, I am just afraid of his respond. If I say I miss you, I want him to say it back but who knows. He truly cares about me a lot. I don't see the harm to let our your emotions but then again I don't want to put anything in his head. I am just afraid.....

May 12, 2013

Going back to the OP's questions/post...

What is the goal here? Hopeful reconciliation, simple venting, or closure?

Regardless of what it may be, if you are not ready for rejection, being ignored then you should not do it.

You need to be in an emotional state that will protect you from any further damage. PERIOD. I did what I did (look at previous post) b/c I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. I was, for the most part, emotionally indifferent to the outcome. Not emotionally indifferent to her, rather, the outcome. In my mind, whether it succeeded or not was win-win for me. Long story...lol!

If you cannot handle the negatives of this, DON"T DO IT.

May 12, 2013

No worries, no excuses for my mistakes other than im tired lol!

I do understand, and agree, and its just a case of breaking that wall down, that ideal of her in my mind, that last picture in my head of our last night together. Once I can work through that, I reckon I will be getting somewhere.

Even though my head knows it could ALL have been lies, my heart and my body still want(ed) her.

It helps to just keep tapping on here lol!!!

May 12, 2013

Well whatever you do man just know what your feeling is normal, don't rush into getting over this and don't rush in to dating other girls unless you really are In Your heart and mind ready for that, I know dating may sound like a good idea but what If it suddenly hits you that she's out doing the same thing?, break you in half right?, work on making yourself happy and work on things in your life that will take your mind off her and face you fears, think of everything you love and miss about her, every bad possible thing that can happen, take a deep breath and say "I'll be alright", just a technique I picked up that helps you face the fears and accept them.

May 12, 2013

Judge a person on their actions, not on what they haven't said or said. The fact that they haven't contacted you should tell you all you need to know and to give you the closure you need. There is no need to tell them anything since there is no benefit to putting yourself through the emotional upset that it would involve. Accept it for what it is: that they left and are gone and are not coming back.

May 12, 2013

So. I was thinking of just telling my ex how I feel abut him, a scary concept considering there have been no signs of reconciliation (in 2.5 months after 2.5 years together). Only civil conversation between us initiated by me (the dumpee).
There is always that thing of 'what if he feels the same about me and hasn't said' but there is also a huge chance I look desperate/needy.

If you dont say whats in your heart can it eat you up from the inside so to speak?
Is it better to have hope than to truly find out?

More importantly does anyone have experiences with this kind of thing? and how did it work out?
Thanks.

one thing i did was wrote him a letter telling him i loved him would always love him and that wouldnt change........i also said i needed to say it so i could move on with my life wherever it may take me....i feel it helped me deal with what i felt and move on.........i love my ex because i have three beautiful daughtrs.....how can i hate someone who gave me family and the unconditional love i have, which is what i get from my daughters and get to give to my daughters andf also from my sons........i have however moved on....i dont feel that love other than when i look at my daughters and i feel blessed to have them...so that is the love i feel,my ex and i werent meant to last forever and i see that now, i would not be on the path i am now if my life had been any different...not have met the people i have met, learned as much as i have or eventually felt the love i feel again for someone else...i know it is definite i can be with someone else and i am ready for it......things good and bad happen for a reason and i know that now....my life is not based on one point in the past, the point my life is based on has yet to happen its in my future.....deb

May 12, 2013

Going back to the OP's questions/post...

What is the goal here? Hopeful reconciliation, simple venting, or closure?

Regardless of what it may be, if you are not ready for rejection, being ignored then you should not do it.

You need to be in an emotional state that will protect you from any further damage. PERIOD. I did what I did (look at previous post) b/c I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. I was, for the most part, emotionally indifferent to the outcome. Not emotionally indifferent to her, rather, the outcome. In my mind, whether it succeeded or not was win-win for me. Long story...lol!

If you cannot handle the negatives of this, DON"T DO IT.

Thanks for responses. Yeah im at this point because I feel strong enough to have either outcome. Though im worried how I will be portrayed I dont want to take it lying down, though ive surprised myself by not pestering him before now like I have been known to in prev relationships.

I'd rather fight for something if I can. I know im ok alone now unlike before when I thought I couldn't live without him. Cheesy I know. But thats how I felt.

If this ends all my questions regarding hope of reconciliation then surely its better/healthier fir my mind if nothing else, to just go for it?

May 12, 2013

Thanks for responses. Yeah im at this point because I feel strong enough to have either outcome. Though im worried how I will be portrayed I dont want to take it lying down, though ive surprised myself by not pestering him before now like I have been known to in prev relationships.
I'd rather fight for something if I can. I know im ok alone now unlike before when I thought I couldn't live without him. Cheesy I know. But thats how I felt.
If this ends all my questions regarding hope of reconciliation then surely its better/healthier fir my mind if nothing else, to just go for it?

Maybe, perhaps write down what you want to say and prepare yourself for either outcome. Not cheesy at all. Weve all been there.

With my previous ex I clung on to hope and she fed me breadcrumbs, I went into therapy and it took 7 months intense counselling to finally accept she didnt want me. This time round my friends and family have told me not to contact my ex, and even though im desperate to, ive resisted, and I am starting to accept it.

Whatever you decide, good luck x

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