ladydesigner Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Well my WH sounds a lot like 2 sures in that I think he enjoyed being able to hide it from me and so did the OW I'm sorry but I will never forget what it felt like to be deceived over and over again. I never once begged or pleaded after any of the DDays. The final DDay I felt done and told him I didn't want to be a part of the triangle anymore. So far, from what I can tell NC has been established but you never know. All I can do is take care of myself and my kids and live for me and be happy for me. My WH is going to do what he is going to do. Our M does seem as though it is back on track. His affections are more focused on me. He is home every night early and he has taken on a bigger role with the kids. If in fact it is underground or I discover another A. I have to leave not only for myself but for my children because I do not want them to think it is okay to stay with someone who can do this to someone they so call "love". I have been the OW before so I know that side of it too, but I am the type of person that if there was a DDay and the spouse confronted me and they wanted to work on the M I would walk away, especially those that have families. I cannot tell you the amount of devastation my family has gone through over my WH's indiscretions. It's a time in my life I will never forget. 1
Ladydrib Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I'm curious ladydrib, why empowering? IMO, it's a twisted picture of a serial cheating man having 2 women who tolerate it and compete for him. A dysfunctional mess of epic proportions! Exactly. ..................................... ............ 2
krazikat Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I am hoping this isn't true, because I did neither on discovery of my H's infidelity. If there is a next time, he will be leaving. PS Where I live, it isn't possible to just file for divorce without being apart for a year. I dont think that is the case with all A's. I dont think it necessarily has to come down to filing for divorce or kicking them out. If the marriage means more to the ws than the A relationship and the bs makes it clear the A will absolutely not be tolerated, then the ws may get it and end the A without those measures. 3
Decorative Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Exactly. ..................................... ............ Ahhhh. I missed your intent in your original comment. Now I get your point! 2
krazikat Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Ahhhh, OK, I was kinda worried about you there for a few minutes. Lol me, too. I read that post like 3 times while thinking, did I miss something here???!!??
SidLyon Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Lol me, too. I read that post like 3 times while thinking, did I miss something here???!!?? As in a situation for empowered women to avoid. 5
canuckprincess Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 It seems like no matter how many Ddays there may be, that unless BS throws them out or files for divorce ...there will be another one. Sad but oh so true, if the ow and bw allow mm to cake eat he will keep it going for years and years. 2
Author NPP10 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 For the BS's whose spouses went underground, how did you find out? Did they confess? Did you find evidence?
canuckprincess Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 I dont think that is the case with all A's. I dont think it necessarily has to come down to filing for divorce or kicking them out. If the marriage means more to the ws than the A relationship and the bs makes it clear the A will absolutely not be tolerated, then the ws may get it and end the A without those measures. If your theory was true there would never be a dday 2 or 3 or more. I believe some mm don't love the ap enough to leave the marriage and they don't love the wife enough to stop seeing the ap. 1
canuckprincess Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 For the BS's whose spouses went underground, how did you find out? Did they confess? Did you find evidence? I think once they know about the affair they often know it's still going on and choose to look the other way and hope that the affair will run it's course because they know the spouse won't stop seeing the AP. Some people are just happy that their spouse is still coming home to them that they keep quiet about it and have the don't ask don't tell policy in effect. I know that might be hard to understand but it happens all the time. 2
krazikat Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 If your theory was true there would never be a dday 2 or 3 or more. I believe some mm don't love the ap enough to leave the marriage and they don't love the wife enough to stop seeing the ap. Well, that is why I didnt say ALL affairs. There are even A's that end without a dday. And some that never end. Some with multiple dday, some with only one. After 1 dday, if the ws continues the a and the bs still doesnt curb the ws, and the ap also continues the relationship with mp, well, then both the ap and bs are allowing the disrespect to continue. Bs may be, as you stated, hoping the A just runs its course. The AP may be hoping the mp leaves the marriage for them. I guess my point is, there are many different potential outcomes for a dday. Depending on many factors in that ugly triangle.
Spark1111 Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Actually it was 2sure, a fOW AND fBS who taught me a MM's immediAte knee-jerk reaction was to beg to reconcile and then go underground to preserve the affair. he loves both women and just wants it all to go back to pre-DDay status and will do and say ANYTHING to get back to two women fulfilling his needs. How mature. Then I started reading all the Infidelity and Psych sites which confirmed her wisdom. So, it is NOT unusual to say the least. While begging me to reconcile (I had thrown him out to be with his soul mate but he NEVER told her that) he was crying on her shoulder about how hostile I was to our reconciliation. She was OH SO supportive of ANYTHING he was trying to do, as long as he kept texting, calling and seeing her. Ha! What reconciliation???? I was meeting with divorce lawyers and logging every text between them. Go underground at your own risk. personally, I don't think it a good nor encouraging sign for a future relationship with a confident man assured of what he wants. 5
MissBee Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 It seems like no matter how many Ddays there may be, that unless BS throws them out or files for divorce ...there will be another one. Smh. This is truly intolerable to me. This is the story of my parents . Multiple billion ddays, yet my dad never leaves, and is always clinging to the marriage even when my mom bluffs about divorce. I say bluffs, because unlike some of the BSs here who do in fact kick the MM out, she doesn't. Sometimes he secretly resumes the A, most times he discards the OW and stops for a while until he gets a new one. But it is indeed true that he will never be the one to take any action. I have no idea how my mom puts up with this and I have no idea how an OW can sit around for multiple ddays with the same man who supposedly loves them. Well, if you don't want to be exclusive, then it makes sense, but otherwise, it really seems very emotionally taxing. 1
MissBee Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 For the BS's whose spouses went underground, how did you find out? Did they confess? Did you find evidence? Not a BS, but can answer based on the case of my parents. Of course my dad didn't confess. She found evidence by looking for it.
krazikat Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Smh. This is truly intolerable to me. This is the story of my parents . Multiple billion ddays, yet my dad never leaves, and is always clinging to the marriage even when my mom bluffs about divorce. I say bluffs, because unlike some of the BSs here who do in fact kick the MM out, she doesn't. Sometimes he secretly resumes the A, most times he discards the OW and stops for a while until he gets a new one. But it is indeed true that he will never be the one to take any action. I have no idea how my mom puts up with this and I have no idea how an OW can sit around for multiple ddays with the same man who supposedly loves them. Well, if you don't want to be exclusive, then it makes sense, but otherwise, it really seems very emotionally taxing. Ya, I smh, too. It is sad, and I hate what affairs do to the people involved.
krazikat Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 For the BS's whose spouses went underground, how did you find out? Did they confess? Did you find evidence? Oh, I found his secret affair phone while he was sleeping. He forgot to turn it off but had hidden it in the bathroom. The ow initially tried to deny everything and say they were just friends, but I had all the proof I needed on that phone. I should also add he had broken off with her prior to dday because he didnt want to continue and risk losing his family.
Decorative Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 For the BS's whose spouses went underground, how did you find out? Did they confess? Did you find evidence? I saw something. For just a second. And it immediately cleared it up for me. The gas lighting that was going on during that time period was awful. I thought I was going crazy. When I saw what I saw - something in his trunk, when he accidentally hit the wrong button on key fob, I knew. Like a lightswitch. So I went home. Spied. Confirmed. Saw an attorney. And plotted. The details are insane. I found email caches of their messages- which gave me a clear picture of their relationship. I found a journal he was keeping in his email. All sorts of things. So a few days after I saw it, and got my ducks in a row, I let everyone know I knew.
Decorative Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 I think once they know about the affair they often know it's still going on and choose to look the other way and hope that the affair will run it's course because they know the spouse won't stop seeing the AP. Some people are just happy that their spouse is still coming home to them that they keep quiet about it and have the don't ask don't tell policy in effect. I know that might be hard to understand but it happens all the time. I think that is more what an AP thinks happens. What happened in my house, and what I have repeatedly heard? Is the wayward is an ass who gaslights the betrayed spouse until he or she has no idea what the heck is going on and begins to doubt their own reality. It's far more than simply turning a cheek or a blind eye. It's worse. And it's not remotely romantic to think your affair partner is doing that to a woman he or she pledged commitment to. 9
who_am_i Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 IMO, it takes a special kind of asshat to take the affair underground after a d day. I don't understand why an ow goes back for more after she is denied and throw under the bus. If the ow continues the affair by going underground, imo she is enabling the ws to be incredibly cruel to the spouse and also she is letting mm know that he can do anything to her he wants and she will take him back or continue on with it and in the dark is still OK for her. It's disrespectful to oneself among everyone else involved also. I agree! I may have been a bit naive to the reality of an affair when my story began...but I could never imagine agreeing to sign up for round two of this crap. 2
Silly_Girl Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 (edited) I don't see it as insulting if the A goes further underground. I wasn't hidden at all really, exception being his wife didn't know about me. However, if you've signed up as an OW I think you've probably had the debate with yourself and decided whether it's acceptable to be hidden or not, so the depth to which you are hidden, today versus yesterday, I don't find an urgent issue. It might mean little change for the OW in fact. Edited May 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
goneundone Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 Our dday was almost two weeks ago. He told his wife he was in love with another woman and wanted a divorce. She begged and pleaded for him to stay and was very hurt and angry that he betrayed her. They have been married 17 years, and have three kids living at home. About 1.5 weeks after dday, he did a complete 180 and told me that he can't see me anymore or talk to me. Hard to imagine that only 4 hours before the NC phone call he was telling me that he loved me and still wanted to divorce his wife and marry me. We are on NC now since the phone call. It's only been 3 days. I wonder if/when he will break NC. I plan on staying NC unless he gets a divorce and comes back for me.. Which most likely wont happen. Hoping to stay strong if he breaks NC but its hard cause I miss him dearly. I'm new here and understand what dday means.. But what does it stand for specifically? Discovery day or something?
So happy together Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 and I believe this is what ow tell themselves to make it all ok in their mind. It's ok his wife knows about me. Even with the horrible relationship my bf had with his stbxw, it really wasn't ever okay. I don't even mean him or what was going on in his life. I was not happy being OW. I spent a lot of time being torn because my feelings for him and my own guilt fought against one another. I'm glad he's out of the marriage, and I'm glad I know in my heart that he would have left with or without me. If he had gaslighted her (he did for a couple of weeks) for very long I would have walked. I am proud of my relationship, but I'm not all that proud of how we got here. I wish we had waited until he'd left. 3
Spark1111 Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 I think once they know about the affair they often know it's still going on and choose to look the other way and hope that the affair will run it's course because they know the spouse won't stop seeing the AP. Some people are just happy that their spouse is still coming home to them that they keep quiet about it and have the don't ask don't tell policy in effect. I know that might be hard to understand but it happens all the time. Oh definitely, but so does the inverse: The MM begging, sobbing to reconcile, claiming he NEVER loved the OW, he loved how willing she was to be available to him; that while he cared for her, he was never leaving me or the marriage. it got out of hand and he did not know how to get out of it..... While still staying in contact with her....just in case I was serious about D his lying, cheating azz.... he'd have his fall-back, Plan B girl welcoming him with open arms. I saw the lies he was telling her too, don't forget. Why any woman would sign up for this is beyond me. DDay is the perfect time to declare your love for your AP, pack a suitcase, call the lawyer and leave for good. 7
latergater Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 (edited) What did you do? Did you go into automatic NC? Did the r/s just go on the down low? Just curious as to what happened after DDay. What did I do? Or, what did HE do? He called me the minute he told her (he lied about our relationship the day before but his W wasn't buying it. So, he finally broke down and told her the truth, over the PHONE on his way to the airport. He was on his way to France as he had a business trip that week. It was a Sunday afternoon. The minute he told her he called me and told me she knew everything. He was really sweet before he left on the flight, begging me not to reply to any emails if she sent any while he was in the air (flying to his destination for 15 hours). The second he arrived in France, I received an email. He completely CUT ME OUT OF HIS LIFE. Immediately. He said I am severing ties between us permanently. I replied via text message and said are you kidding me? You are saying goodbye to me, severing ties from a 30 year friendship via email? You couldn't pick up the phone and tell me this in some other way - you send some lame email?" He responded via text and said .. MY wife knows everything. quit calling, quit texting. It's OVER. That's right. AS IF I had been calling and texting incessantly. It was ONE freakin text message for goodness sakes. Not a single word since. That's right. Not a single word since. Edited May 14, 2013 by latergater
SweetiePie12 Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 He's worked really hard and did before I even knew he was getting D. He didn't tell you immediately? Like, while in the contemplation phase?
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