When the BS found out....

[NPP10]

What did you do?

 

Did you go into automatic NC? Did the r/s just go on the down low? Just curious as to what happened after DDay.

[Sarabi]

Before we had even done anything, he told me she knew. While we were still texting etc. I told him he should be talking to her(not me) and spending more time with her(not me). He seemed fine with it. He said that she was always joking with him about how many "girlfriends" he had on the side.

Then...a months or so later...he told me he told her everything and that he can't see me anymore.

I WENT NC, deleted everything, cried...tried to forget him...

...but then he contacted me :confused: because he still had feelings for me and it was too heartless to just leave me like that.

I should have kept at the NC at that stage because trust me, it would have been a whole lot easier than going through this now.

 

So...in the end she knew and he was still wanting to carry on. We did...sometimes when he couldn't text he would say its because he was "being watched".

There was a while we didn't speak to each other for a week or so. Then carried on...then there was a massive blow up in March where he sent some rather mean texts for no apparent reason ...then we went NC...until he texted and said he wanted to make it up blah blah blah...

I was not particularly receptive to that but I did get an apology.

Now he has gone on holiday for a month with his family...which is fine because I have kept my mouth shut ...even though at one point he sent me a message saying he missed me blah blah blah...oh what tortuous lives these men lead, sunning themselves on beaches with their beautiful wives by their sides ...

 

So. I don't know. I don't know if he is wanting to carry on because he wants the two of us. Or because he has no respect for either of us. Or because she has given him permission or what...I honestly don't understand...

 

...but it is not my job to give myself a headache trying to work out his/their dysfunction, please...

[secretlady76]

I think the answer to this depends on who is married; one, both, none (but in a LTR).

 

For me; D-Day 1; N/C then underground. D-Day 2; N/C permenantly.

[cocorico]

We did not have a DDay. He told her, she refused to believe it, even after he had moved out.

 

Situations differ.

[ComingInHot]

NPP, What do you think/know you should do?

When was D-Day?

What has WS done since D-Day?

And are You alright?

*

[Decorative]

It varies depending on the situation but WAY more just go underground than most people want to think.

 

This is the absolute and complete truth.

 

That's why I think exposure is critical- in either end result. If the affair couple stays together - then people know. If they break apart, then that is known, too.

 

Secrecy breeds deceit. Better to always be honest.

[BrokenPrincess]

My xMM & I are both married. He called & told me his wife had found out. We were supposed to see each other the next day (we live in different states, my flight & hotel were already booked). We ended up still meeting for about 1/2 hour under extreme duress to say goodbye. There was no question that it would be over, neither of us had ever planned to leave our spouses. NC lasted 4 months.

 

He broke NC, we talked, both confessed how hard the NC had been, that we cared about each other a lot more than either if us had said. We rekindled & went underground for 2 months until he ended it a week ago. No second DDay. Being underground was draining...the limited contact and stress of knowing how awful DDat was, plus for him the added fear that his wife wouldn't stay through a second discovery.

 

He ended it via email, did not include a "No Contact" directive, but that is implied by "goodbye". It's been 9 days now and even though I know it's the best & right thing to do, it still hurts and I've started wondering again if he's thinking of me too. Wish we would've just stayed NC and avoided hurting like this all over again.

[Silly_Girl]

We did not have a DDay. He told her, she refused to believe it, even after he had moved out.

 

Situations differ.

 

Same.

 

Interestingly when she understood some of my frustrations, and also my boundaries with regards their relationship, she said perhaps she should have dealt with her own affair better than perhaps either her affair-turned-relationship or the marriage would have had a better chance of surviving.

[bellasue]

I received a text message saying he told her everything and her conditions were that we never speak or see each other again. That was one month ago. I went to his office a few days after dday to try and get some closure. He was cold and unfeeling and really offered nothing.

 

Other than that, and one out of context and strange text message two weeks ago, we've been complete NC. I think the text might have been some weird glitch in cyberspace though.

[Goodbye]

I'm not sure if there was a d day or not. Last month I pressured my exMM during a weak moment, threatened to tell his wife. This was after months of his promising he was separated/separating/working out details etc etc etc. I snapped. He called me and claimed he told his wife and then went LC/NC. We've both broken it a couple times. I don't think he actually told his wife anything, I think the thought of her finding out was so scary to him he decided he needed to do something...and eventually decided that cooling things with me was easiest. I doubt I'll hear from him again. I am still incredibly sad and at times very angry.

[MissBee]

What did you do?

 

Did you go into automatic NC? Did the r/s just go on the down low? Just curious as to what happened after DDay.

 

I didn't have a dday.

 

I do wonder though how can a secret affair get anymore "underground" or "down low"? For anyone who has had to go underground, what changes were made that were different than before?

 

The logistics of my former A made it so that there wasn't that much down low, esp not on my part. I'm not sure if there was a dday, which required more overt sneaking, if I would have done it. But maybe back then I would have. I don't know. It didn't happen, we just ended on a note of NC before a dday.

[Sarabi]

I didn't have a dday.

 

I do wonder though how can a secret affair get anymore "underground" or "down low"? For anyone who has had to go underground, what changes were made that were different than before?

 

The logistics of my former A made it so that there wasn't that much down low, esp not on my part. I'm not sure if there was a dday, which required more overt sneaking, if I would have done it. But maybe back then I would have. I don't know. It didn't happen, we just ended on a note of NC before a dday.

 

Yeah...it wasn't down low on my part either really. Not that I spoke about it to the whole world either.

For him (apparently, because I don't know what he really told her):

He didn't go out as much because she wanted him at hom (not that he goes out much anyway)

He told me that when she asked him if he was in love with someone else or still seeing "his woman"...he didn't answer her.

With texting...he wouldn't do it if he was being watched OR...he told me that somtimes it would take a long time to reply texts because he would be typing slowly so as not to wake her up or disturb her ...jeez...

He deleted all texts after a conversation to leave nothing on his phone...

 

I don't know what else he did. It was his business...

[MissBee]

Yeah...it wasn't down low on my part either really. Not that I spoke about it to the whole world either.

For him (apparently, because I don't know what he really told her):

He didn't go out as much because she wanted him at hom (not that he goes out much anyway)

He told me that when she asked him if he was in love with someone else or still seeing "his woman"...he didn't answer her.

With texting...he wouldn't do it if he was being watched OR...he told me that somtimes it would take a long time to reply texts because he would be typing slowly so as not to wake her up or disturb her ...jeez...

He deleted all texts after a conversation to leave nothing on his phone...

 

I don't know what else he did. It was his business...

 

 

Ohh okay. Thanks for responding.

 

Jeez is right .

 

I think how my situation was provided for more freedom for me and him, mainly because they did not live together. So he truly could compartmentalize as his "two women" were far enough apart from each other as well as not always around him physically, so he could conduct the A more freely without it being super stealth and sneaky. That's probably what allowed me to not become fed up with it sooner. If a dday happened and it became more of this obvious covert stuff, i wouldn't have been able to deal.

[Sarabi]

Ohh okay. Thanks for responding.

 

Jeez is right .

 

I think how my situation was provided for more freedom for me and him, mainly because they did not live together. So he truly could compartmentalize as his "two women" were far enough apart from each other as well as not always around him physically, so he could conduct the A more freely without it being super stealth and sneaky. That's probably what allowed me to not become fed up with it sooner. If a dday happened and it became more of this obvious covert stuff, i wouldn't have been able to deal.

 

Yeah I don't understand what goes through their heads.

She knew of something and he wanted it to carry on and be a secret...yet he wanted to stay and make the marriage work. Or at least I assumed if he stayed he wanted to make it work. There were times he told me I deserved so much better and could find a single guy...yet...If I didn't speak to him and told him I wanted to give him space to get on with his married life(whatever the hell that is in such a dysfunctional coupling) or got distant he would get quite upset...which I don't understand because he wants to stay married so surely if his marriage is intact and I am not around what is his problem ?

 

Unless its a case of they don't want anyone else to have you even if they themselves can't have you..?

Idiots. All of them.

[Mycatsnuggles]

We had a minor d day where his w discovered a few text messages. She contacted me, that's how I found out. He sent me a NC email which she constructed. I could tell it was not his wording immediately.

 

The d day meant I waited until he contacted me. I had about 24 hours of severe anxiety as I wondered what was going on but knew I couldn't contact him.

 

A day later he called me and told me what had happened. He didn't want to stop seeing me.

 

We went deeper underground. It became harder for him to get away and contact me but he still managed. She continues to monitor his activities but he is still able to see me. I'm sorry. I don't mean this to hurt any BS but I have seen people question about going underground.. Yes it happens. Unless your spouse wants it to end it won't despite what you may do.

[MissBee]

We had a minor d day where his w discovered a few text messages. She contacted me, that's how I found out. He sent me a NC email which she constructed. I could tell it was not his wording immediately.

 

The d day meant I waited until he contacted me. I had about 24 hours of severe anxiety as I wondered what was going on but knew I couldn't contact him.

 

A day later he called me and told me what had happened. He didn't want to stop seeing me.

 

We went deeper underground. It became harder for him to get away and contact me but he still managed. She continues to monitor his activities but he is still able to see me. I'm sorry. I don't mean this to hurt any BS but I have seen people question about going underground.. Yes it happens. Unless your spouse wants it to end it won't despite what you may do.

 

Does this upset you any at all? Or does it make you feel like he is "risking" because you're special?

 

It's a genuine question. I get angry and insulted reading it from a former OW perspective and feel like nooo way I could've persisted with something like that. If his SO had contacted me, I don't think I could have comfortably continued the A and if he tried to just go deeper, I would just feel very disillusioned with the whole matter...like wow...you are really too much.

 

And if I were a BS...if I found out my spouse simply continued the A. I'd end our M immediately.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Miss bee you have very black and white thinking. It's simple to believe " I would never" when you haven't been involved. I don't mean this as offensive. It's easy to judge another's actions from the outside. I've learned not to do this.

 

We were already involved for more then a year when it was discovered, yes we should stop. The head knows this, the hearts are having difficulty with this concept. Stopping means to never see each other again. He is more then my lover he is my friend. It's the friend I can't let go of.

[So happy together]

We had two ddays three weeks apart. The first one was her finding his secret phone. She immediately knew because he told her what was happening. I think at this point he did not tell her everything but told her a lot. He was also already well into planning an exit. She told him he was to break that phone and not speak to me any more. He did not answer her. The next day, he broke the phone in the driveway and threw it in the trash where she could see it, but already had a new secret phone in his pocket. We talked a little less during this time, but not much. I was frustrated and upset that he didn't just leave. Three weeks later she found his phone again and he admitted everything, got in his car and left. He has not been back since.

 

She still sends him snarky text messages all the time being rude about me, and telling him he should just get over his midlife crisis and come home. She is very unaccepting of the fact that their marriage is over. I feel bad that she is having a hard time, but at the same time I can't believe how she behaves. I'm sure I'll get beat up for saying that but whatever...

[MissBee]

Miss bee you have very black and white thinking. It's simple to believe " I would never" when you haven't been involved. I don't mean this as offensive. It's easy to judge another's actions from the outside. I've learned not to do this.

 

We were already involved for more then a year when it was discovered, yes we should stop. The head knows this, the hearts are having difficulty with this concept. Stopping means to never see each other again. He is more then my lover he is my friend. It's the friend I can't let go of.

 

Did I judge you or ask you a question?

 

I made sure to say I was genuinely asking.

 

I said nothing about "I would never", I simply said that in my situation that did not happen, and even reading it alone makes me upset, so I can't imagine if there had been a dday where I spoke to the BS and had to go underground I would have been comfortable. I made zero judgments about you in my question, I simply asked how you felt, as I know how I would feel.

 

Anyway: I get the idea of the heart/head dichotomy. I too experienced this. But everyone has their boundaries, so I was genuinely more curious about what allows for ddays to be intolerable for some and for others to continue.

[2sure]

I think that on DDay two things can happen. Either the affair stops completely or goes further underground. Immediately or soon after.

 

By further underground I mean , MM starts showing BS all texts and phone calls.....but gets a secret phone. Or he starts coming home more evenings but takes time off work for the affair. Very often going further underground means dropping the affair partner he got caught with and getting a new one not under suspicion.

 

I think for those who stop the affair on DDay it is in large part that they know without a doubt on that day that if it doesn't stop, BS will divorce them.

 

I think for many of those that take it further underground it is because rightly or wrongly, they simply feel that they can safely continue by fooling their BS. Why they want to do that varies.

 

My X absolutely convinced me he was never going to cheat again. The lengths that he went to to hide his cheating from me, showed me he really enjoyed hiding it from me...getting away with it if you will, as much as he did the cheating.

 

In the end, it wasn't his cheating exactly that made me divorce him...it was his ability to be that deceptive . His willingness.

[SweetiePie12]

It varies depending on the situation but WAY more just go underground than most people want to think.

 

I suspect so. Suddenly he can't return a text let alone initiate one, and calls me at my office instead of my cell. And poking me on Facebook? That's so a year ago.

[SweetiePie12]

If the affair couple stays together - then people know. If they break apart, then that is known, too.

 

Horrifying, speaking as a woman who only signed up to love one man, not a community of his peers.

[SweetiePie12]

I'm not sure if there was a d day or not.

 

I can relate. To shield me from a d day is a gift. Thanks!

[MissBee]

I think that on DDay two things can happen. Either the affair stops completely or goes further underground. Immediately or soon after.

 

By further underground I mean , MM starts showing BS all texts and phone calls.....but gets a secret phone. Or he starts coming home more evenings but takes time off work for the affair. Very often going further underground means dropping the affair partner he got caught with and getting a new one not under suspicion.

 

I think for those who stop the affair on DDay it is in large part that they know without a doubt on that day that if it doesn't stop, BS will divorce them.

 

I think for many of those that take it further underground it is because rightly or wrongly, they simply feel that they can safely continue by fooling their BS. Why they want to do that varies.

 

My X absolutely convinced me he was never going to cheat again. The lengths that he went to to hide his cheating from me, showed me he really enjoyed hiding it from me...getting away with it if you will, as much as he did the cheating.

 

In the end, it wasn't his cheating exactly that made me divorce him...it was his ability to be that deceptive . His willingness.

 

 

That's how I feel too! Coming from both angles, as an imagined BS and when I was the OW. If my spouse was pretending to reconcile but took the A further underground and I found out, I would most likely send him packing. As an OW, I don't think asking me to resume under those conditions would have flown either.

 

I tolerated the situation because he didn't show himself to be that deceptive. He of course was still cheating, but he didn't have to do as much active lying and hiding. She didn't live with him, so he didn't have to have secret phones, text me quietly when she was asleep, have secret emails, duck and cover, etc. It was easier for him than MM living with their spouses (I also probably would not have been involved if he were indeed married). .He also traveled a lot for work so when we saw each other, he had the perfect excuse, as most times he was really doing business, but omitted the fact that he would be seeing me as well. When he was with me here nobody knew him so we were an open couple. For him he truly felt like he had two lives and 2 different gfs smh. I was therefore able to act normal and so was he for the most part. So it would have been a total 180, shock, just very different dynamic if I was confronted on a dday then all of a sudden to continue we had to do that. I also would respect him even less if he was pretending to reconcile while having secret phones and all that mess.

 

I don't think my mind would have been able to reconcile it at all. That's just me, clearly others differ, but I was curious about how seeing your MM do that affects your view of them as well as if it makes you feel more minimized and like a "dirty secret" or do you simply see it as him risking because you are special or just a matter of course and all is acceptable as long as you "have him" in some fashion? I didn't ever have to witness his lies/omissions or have to lie for him so that helped me to tolerate it as well. If I had to observe it, I don't think I could do it.

 

I know for me, little incidences would make me feel minimized and show the reality that it was indeed an A, no matter how much more freedom we had than some others. So a dday where I was confronted and where he had less time for me or we neededto have secret codewords, secret phones etc. would have been too much. I guess I was OW-Lite and not at all cut out for more underground and stealth affairs :laugh:.

[2sure]

OW-Lite , that's Perfect!!

 

I know, it's one thing to know a man is hiding and lying...Its not attractive but you put it aside. But then..to see him really going deep under cover, whether it's your husband or MM...it's emasculating to me . To ask me, as OW, to participate in that would have been ...more than my sense of ...humor..could handle.