Jigsaw puzzle

[mishy]

I am trying to pinpoint why I have had so much trouble letting him go. And it's because my mind gets fogged up thinking and wondering about how many lies he told me and what was actually the truth and what wasn't.

 

I wish I could just go, " you know, he is just a plain old bad man" and just forget the rest and just forget HIM.

 

But I find myself wondering about details, trying to piece things together. Was he leading a double life? Did I really know him? Who was he? How could I have fallen for someone like this?

[mbee]

You are not alone. I know exactly how you feel and it's tough. My breakup was about 2-3 weeks ago, but I had dealt with a couple of big lies from him a year ago. Here's what I learned and this also comes from talking to other people who have lied in their past and moved past that. People are people. I feel sometimes people in these forums want to see things black and white. Your ex is a total jerk, bam, that's it. And sometimes that is true. Sometimes we enter relationships with people who are just outright cruel and selfish.

 

However, it's best to remember that people are people. When my ex lied to me in the past, I genuinely think he was sorry and regretted it. I think the problem is, he was not strong enough to change. Unless he's cold hearted, this will haunt him in some way. The same will occur with your ex. It's hard for us to understand because we aren't liars, cheaters or do crazy things to people. Yes, we have the capability to and may have thought about it from time to time, but we made the choice to NOT hurt another person. Your ex made the choice to hurt you, terribly. I'm not sure why, but I don't believe the world is simply black and white like that.

 

My brother for instance was a cheater. He cheated on multiple women and probably had different girlfriends at the same. He lied about being an orphan to get full funding at college. He did a lot of messed up things, some of which I don't even know. We never thought he would settle down and get married. He seemed cold, but he went through something. He's now been married and with his wife for 10+ years. They have two daughters who he loves very much. He has gone through counseling, apologized for his actions, admitted the lies to his significant other and really worked to be a better person. I love my brother, and don't think he's a jerk, and that's that. He's flawed.

 

You fell for your ex, because you saw a part of him that was probably a good him, the essence of him, the side that is lovely and good. However, he has some problem. I don't know what, and I have no idea if he'll ever change. But don't hurt yourself for falling in love with someone who has flaws that just run much deeper than other people's.

 

I deeply love my ex and no matter how much pain I'm going through, the truth is, I knew his flaws for over a year now. I thought he could work through it and change, but it's just like alcoholism. He put himself near temptation and fell in the same cycle. He's being disrespectful to me and cruel and I have to put my needs above his. I still think my ex is a good person inside. I still love him because I saw glimpses of him if he wasn't so messed up with these issues. Sometimes my ex even admitted he had a problem, but he's not strong enough to work these out and I'm not sure if he ever will be.

 

Just don't beat yourself up about it and in terms of what's the lie and what's the truth, try to separate yourself from that. If you discovered a lie, how would it make you feel anyway? We are never in their minds and have no idea how it works.

 

I asked my ex about a lie and he even told me this. At the time, I wasn't lying. I just couldn't predict how I would act. For instance he slept with a married woman. He always told me he'd never do that, his moral compass wouldn't allow it. But he did. It makes me wonder what other moral codes he lied about it, but the truth is, I'll never know and I have to remember that people say things and might mean them.

 

I know it's a jigsaw puzzle but it's better to leave it lying on the table and to stop finding the mixed pieces. Return your 10000 piece puzzle to the store and get one that's much easier to work with. Accept that the 10000 piece puzzle may give you satisfaction once it's complete, but at the end you'll be mad at yourself for wasting so much time working on it and the satisfaction will only last for a moment. You'll need to put it back in the box again and move on. It's better to do that now, than waste time completing the puzzle.

 

You loved your ex, and that's that. It's not your fault you opened your heart. It's not your fault he lied. And it's not your responsibility to know the lies from the truth.

Edited May 12, 2013 by mbee

[CorridorE]

You loved your ex, and that's that. It's not your fault you opened your heart. It's not your fault he lied. And it's not your responsibility to know the lies from the truth.

 

This is so true... I need to keep reminding myself of this. I will never know what was true and what were lies... and there so many lies. I heard the same thing from him as well - that at the time, it wasn't always a lie. He broke all his promises and did all the things he said he never would. But he had my love and none of it is my fault.

[whisperoftheheart]

Maybe try just slow down the questions on him and concentrate on you. Stay true to yourself. Everyone has a period of analysis when a break up happens but never let it question who you are. You cant force your mind to change on someone necessarily. Everyone keeps telling me I should hate my ex. But I dont. Stuff just takes time to work through

[WhatamIdoingwrong]

This is so true... I need to keep reminding myself of this. I will never know what was true and what were lies... and there so many lies. I heard the same thing from him as well - that at the time, it wasn't always a lie. He broke all his promises and did all the things he said he never would. But he had my love and none of it is my fault.

 

Ditto. I loved her and she saod she loved me. "I could never hurt you, my darling, no matter what, I wont give up on us and if we ever run into issues, we will talk them through and work it all out together".

 

She then left me, and told me she didnt truly believe she loved me after all.

[Own Worst Enemy]

He had enough of whatever it is that you need and want, and that is what you are missing. Looking for answers in him won't help. You can only look at what you want and what you are doing.

 

Trouble is... Knowing this doesn't make it any easier, unfortunately

[avelonia2013]

I am trying to pinpoint why I have had so much trouble letting him go. And it's because my mind gets fogged up thinking and wondering about how many lies he told me and what was actually the truth and what wasn't.

 

I wish I could just go, " you know, he is just a plain old bad man" and just forget the rest and just forget HIM.

 

But I find myself wondering about details, trying to piece things together. Was he leading a double life? Did I really know him? Who was he? How could I have fallen for someone like this?

 

I have no advice to offer just (((Hugs))) because I know exactly what you're going through. I'm trying to piece together a puzzle too! It totally sucks and I feel like I can't let go until I find that last piece.

 

I just want to let this phase of my life go, so I can put it all behind me and move on. It's exhausting! I don't want to think about it anymore...I just want to live.

 

Sorry I don't have advice. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. (((Hugs)))

[siankat]

I know what you guys mean.

 

I'd been out with a few douchebags in the past when i was younger and i always knew that they would not last with me but the relationships were educational, sometimes fun, sometimes supportive, but mostly i learned about what i could and couldn't take from a so and who i was in a relationship...patterns emerge after a few relationships.

 

However, the latest ex, i could say hand on heart i thought he was a good guy, and in a way i still do. I believe that everyone has layers. Layers of good and layers of bad woven throughout their psyche if you like. To me i always asked myself if i believed a perse on was genuinely good deep down, underneath all the layers, and i believed he was. So much so, he was the first man i was happy to meet my family.

 

Now, i knew he had issues and yet, i felt we were equals, and i was not totally thrown by him. I understood him and his flaws and they did not make me dislike him. This was a first for me. I won't go into what they were but to me the most important thing is a person's intentions, not so much deliberate ones, but instinctual ones, of which i liked his

 

Then, i realised, he lied a lot. About other women. He's a crap liar so it wasn't hard to tell and i never quizzed him but things evolved from conversations so i understood that he, was not very straight in this area. I was disappointed. The final straw came though, when i realised he was happy to have gotten away with his lie, and continue with the same behaviour. I guess i wanted to see if he would self correct but he didn't.

 

I ended it but i know i had no other choice. It's been in a way the longest recovery i ever had because there was no to and fro, no drama, everything was just left, suspended, no discussion, no argument. This is how i wanted it. I needed to do a 180 on my previous handling of breakup/makeup/breakup/makeup til neither party believes in it anymore and it just, ends on it's own.

 

For this i never got to know the extent of his crap, i never got to really see him fully, in similar situations, to know and be sure what his natural state was. I just knew i stopped trusting him. Respect had been lost from both sides. I saved some hassle, but maybe dwelled more on what i 'didn't know'.

 

Aaaand i've written soo much now i have forgotten what the original theme was that i was trying to chip in on!!! sorry guys

[siankat]

Ok, back on track hopefully

 

I think the reason it is hard to let go when someone lies is because we try and find the good person we believe is there, amongst all the lies and bs, but because of the nature or compulsive lying, we never really will. It's a big question mark hanging over who that person was, and therefore who that person was to us, felt about us, etc that will likely never get answered unless they confront and recognise their behaviour of lying and deceit.

 

And there has to come a point, in order to move past them and their lies, that we accept, that we will never know.

And that's it.

[mishy]

 

I know it's a jigsaw puzzle but it's better to leave it lying on the table and to stop finding the mixed pieces. Return your 10000 piece puzzle to the store and get one that's much easier to work with. Accept that the 10000 piece puzzle may give you satisfaction once it's complete, but at the end you'll be mad at yourself for wasting so much time working on it and the satisfaction will only last for a moment. You'll need to put it back in the box again and move on. It's better to do that now, than waste time completing the puzzle.

 

You loved your ex, and that's that. It's not your fault you opened your heart. It's not your fault he lied. And it's not your responsibility to know the lies from the truth.

 

thanks so much!

i think thats it. Its like even if i sat him down and interrogated him and demanded the truth, i still could never be sure it IS the truth. So its a never ending circle. And all of that interrogating would be a waste of time. Because he is a liar, and liars just lie.

I am not so sure that liars are "just people" though. You can never know who they really are. I dont think it is normal or acceptable, you cannot trust them, and have no sense of them as a person, as everything they say could be a lie.

[mishy]

I have no advice to offer just (((Hugs))) because I know exactly what you're going through. I'm trying to piece together a puzzle too! It totally sucks and I feel like I can't let go until I find that last piece.

 

I just want to let this phase of my life go, so I can put it all behind me and move on. It's exhausting! I don't want to think about it anymore...I just want to live.

 

Sorry I don't have advice. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. (((Hugs)))

 

thats EXACTLY how i feel. I think its just human nature to want to figure it all out. Thats why its so hard to stop, because its innate in us.

 

Just have to remember that even if you got up to the last piece of that 10,000 piece puzzle, its probably lost under the rug or something, i dont think its ever a complete picture

[mishy]

His lies were so elaborate, and they flowed so easily that I truly believed they were true situations until I accidentally discovered that one was a lie. And then I just overlooked it because I convinced myself well maybe I was wrong but no, ever since then I have had trouble believing anything he says. When he moved way for work, it took a while for me to believe that with evidence. When he told me he was writing a business plan and then a week later he said the business will be opening in two weeks, I believed him SORT OF, and then I thought hang on, there's no business that starts within 2 weeks when you are still writing the business plan and especially the kind he was wanting to start. So hats probably a lie.

Years ago when he was wanting a break he fabricated a story that he was moving away to work and might stay permanently, then while we were talking on the phone while he was "there" he told me he had met someone. Anyway turned out the whole thing was a big LIE, he was still here the whole time.. It was just I think him wanting a break. So weird because that whole time he was away we spoke on the phone...

 

So now, the business, everything is probably a lie. Who knows?

 

When someone lies once or twice or three times, how can you know anything they say is true? Who the hell is he? I feel so totally emotionally disconnected to him now, I'm not even wanting him in any form, I just feel so stupid for wasting so much time on him, and I just want to recover from it. I am only posting here because I don't want to talk to anyone about it, I just want to type here and hear what anyone here has to say.

 

It's just such an odd feeling to realise that anything and everything he could have ever told me could have been a lie. It's just such a weird feeling, and that's what I am struggling with. Your mind just wonders.

Edited May 18, 2013 by mishy

[siankat]

True, narcissists usually lie because they feel so empty that they construct and image of themselves and accept ppl who believe and alienate, cut off, shun, people who don't. Watch as soon as you catch someone out in a big lie, they will likely cut you out their life. Narcissists don't like to be exposed. There are no little white lies but a carefully constructed fake personality/life. Scary huh

[mishy]

Yes, that first time I caught him lying, it was when he said he was working in another city and he said he had met someone, well he had been lying to me on the phone for 4 weeks about it, this elaborate lie that got more detailed whenever we spoke.

 

When I found out it was a lie, I called him and totally told him, and he didn't say anything, just hung up. Then I didn't speak to him for about 6 months and then stupidly hooked up with him, because I thought we'll maybe my facts were wrong and he was telling the truth, that's how convincing his story had been. But no, it really was a lie, and now I know things he is telling me now and most likely lies. The business he said he was setting up, it's way too advanced for what he would be able to do and the speed in which he says it has been set up, well I dont think it is possible. You are right it's never small white lies, it's life lies, usually regarding his job. Totally makes sense because he is a total workaholic anyway, his identity is tied up in his work, one of these busy busy busy people.

[siankat]

my ex as well!! He used to go on about how even on his days off he had to do the 'orders' these orders were really difficult, took him most of the day starting at 8am and he 'didn't even have time to answer the phone from his sister'. So we spend say, 3 of these particular days off together spread out over a few weeks, and he's doing the 'orders' for the stock....yip u guessed it, took max a few phone calls and ta-da job done He messed up a lot actually doing spread sheets etc so i think maybe he wasn't as smart as i thought he was or he made out to be.

[siankat]

It's hard for us to understand because we are not like that! Forget who i wanna be 'with', i know who i'd rather be

[mishy]

my ex as well!! He used to go on about how even on his days off he had to do the 'orders' these orders were really difficult, took him most of the day starting at 8am and he 'didn't even have time to answer the phone from his sister'. So we spend say, 3 of these particular days off together spread out over a few weeks, and he's doing the 'orders' for the stock....yip u guessed it, took max a few phone calls and ta-da job done He messed up a lot actually doing spread sheets etc so i think maybe he wasn't as smart as i thought he was or he made out to be.

 

exactly the same. Sigh.... its a lot of talking themselves up

[siankat]

yeah and i helped spread the word about his awesomeness til i was like 'heh? hmm...aammm...nah!' The penny has dropped, unfortunately for them..they are forever stuck with themselves

[mishy]

yeah and i helped spread the word about his awesomeness til i was like 'heh? hmm...aammm...nah!' The penny has dropped, unfortunately for them..they are forever stuck with themselves

 

the day i met him, he told me he had an IQ of 180

 

I thought that was unusual, and i had a feeling then, if only i had listened to my instincts. Total lie

[siankat]

lol thats a good one ... iq of 180 sheep maybe..

[mishy]

i just have to resign myself to the fact that he is a bad man and i dont really know WHO he is because he most likely lied the whole time. I will never know how much

[Leigh 87]

It makes me wonder, will these types of people really just find a women who they love enough to change for?

 

I think in some cases the answer is YES, and in other cases they are too flawed and too weak and even just too callous and cold hearted to care enough to change.

 

Either way, you dodged a bullet Mishy! I mean, even if he does change for the "right women" sheesh, I sure would not want a man who was once so evil!

 

You will look back on this in years to come, when you have found a wonderful man who loves you; you will go SH*T wow I have done SO MUCH BETTER than I ever would have with that jerk!

[siankat]

It makes me wonder, will these types of people really just find a women who they love enough to change for?

I think in some cases the answer is YES, and in other cases they are too flawed and too weak and even just too callous and cold hearted to care enough to change.

 

Either way, you dodged a bullet Mishy! I mean, even if he does change for the "right women" sheesh, I sure would not want a man who was once so evil!

 

You will look back on this in years to come, when you have found a wonderful man who loves you; you will go SH*T wow I have done SO MUCH BETTER than I ever would have with that jerk!

 

Change? No. Someone who compliments them in their ways, possibly. Would you want to lower yourself to meet that need? ..Me neither

[mishy]

It makes me wonder, will these types of people really just find a women who they love enough to change for?

 

I think in some cases the answer is YES, and in other cases they are too flawed and too weak and even just too callous and cold hearted to care enough to change.

 

Either way, you dodged a bullet Mishy! I mean, even if he does change for the "right women" sheesh, I sure would not want a man who was once so evil!

 

You will look back on this in years to come, when you have found a wonderful man who loves you; you will go SH*T wow I have done SO MUCH BETTER than I ever would have with that jerk!

 

Hi Leigh

 

I dont even think its a case of him being ABLE to change. I think he is a pathological compulsive liar. I don't think he can actually do anything about it, i think its the way he is. He has no conscience about it, so i dont think he would even "think" to change it.

 

I dont know whether it scares me or i feel sorry for him.

 

When he moved over to W.A for work in Feb, you know to make money in mining jobs well i thought fair enough. But then he makes up all this crap about starting this massive business over there and i just know its crap. I just know, just from the logistics and using my instincts and experience with his previous "work" lies. And i don't know why he does it, to make himself sound good? why bother with what i think?

 

And then 2 weeks ago he tells me he has a girlfriend and i know thats a lie too. Same as 3 years ago, same story different day. Everything is a lie to get a reaction from me ( i didnt react or respond to the text)

 

. Remember last year when i was on here devastated that he had met someone and that he wanted one last time with me, and i was heartbroken over him finding a girlfriend. Well, honestly i think all of that was a lie too, due to a few facts. Its like, when one thing is a lie, everything could be. This whole time, since his massive 4 week lie back in 2008 about moving to melbourne and meeting someone, i havent trusted him since, and i havent even realised how much i dont trust him until now.

 

Pants On fire!

[Leigh 87]

Honey, are you getting out there and going on dates?

 

I seriously hope you have not held out any hope for you and this...... idiot, to be together....

 

 

I mean okay be honest, is he THAT good in bed? With his lying, how can he seem palatable to you?