jaQ3 Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 Any insight onto this situation is much appreciated... 6 months ago, my fiance passed away after a long illness. He was absolutely the love of my life, I'm struggling to pick up the pieces but I'm also fighting to find happiness in life again. I recently reconnected with a long-time family friend, who is my age and coincidentally, my first love. Well, he's been so kind to me. He lives in Dallas and I live in Virginia. He's a really really great guy, so smart and funny, and I adore him. We've always been unfinished business because he moved away in high school. I've flown out to Dallas to visit with him twice. We had an absolutely amazing time, laughing and kissing.. I flew home and we kept in touch. I flew back again recently and we again had fun, but he was more reserved. Friendly, good body language but didn't try to be physically affectionate. I asked him if he regretted what happened last time. He said "No, I just don't want to hurt you" I found out today he told someone that I'm "the most amazing, beautiful girl"... So he feels that way about me but YET was distant... So I'm like Y U NO SHOW IT?! How does he think he's going to hurt me? I'm annoyed I've had to ask this but I can't figure him out and it's pi$^&$ me off. Whats with the discrepancy?
carhill Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 Since he's a long-time family friend, I'm sure his personality is well known to all. Get some feedback from others who know him personally. My first guess is he's involved with someone else. This presumes he doesn't have any personality disorders. My second guess is he may indeed be your first love and you may indeed have all these wonderful feelings regarding him but he does not feel the same way. In LS-speak, he's not into you in the same way you are into him. I'm sure those close to you and he will have the answers you seek. Welcome to LS
bob the brave Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 dunno, tough one. although, I know, I personally would feel a little funny moving in on a girl that lost her fiance just 6 months prior. I would feel more comfortable at a year. He may think you are not fully over your loss and your feelings for him may simply be a way to bury your grief or fill a loneliness. So, he may think engaging in a relationship is a way of taking advantage which may end up hurting you once you sober up. 2
Author jaQ3 Posted May 12, 2013 Author Posted May 12, 2013 (edited) He said "No, I just don't want to hurt you. I know this soon you're vulnerable." He also said I need to come down for a weekend and hang out with him. Edited May 12, 2013 by jaQ3
FitChick Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 I think the conventional wisdom is that widows and widowers not make any major decisions in the first year or two after bereavement. They are not thinking clearly. Look what happened to Paul McCartney. You need to know more about what he's been up to on all fronts since you knew him long ago.
soccerrprp Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 Any insight onto this situation is much appreciated... 6 months ago, my fiance passed away after a long illness. He was absolutely the love of my life, I'm struggling to pick up the pieces but I'm also fighting to find happiness in life again. I recently reconnected with a long-time family friend, who is my age and coincidentally, my first love. Well, he's been so kind to me. He lives in Dallas and I live in Virginia. He's a really really great guy, so smart and funny, and I adore him. We've always been unfinished business because he moved away in high school. I've flown out to Dallas to visit with him twice. We had an absolutely amazing time, laughing and kissing.. I flew home and we kept in touch. I flew back again recently and we again had fun, but he was more reserved. Friendly, good body language but didn't try to be physically affectionate. I asked him if he regretted what happened last time. He said "No, I just don't want to hurt you" I found out today he told someone that I'm "the most amazing, beautiful girl"... So he feels that way about me but YET was distant... So I'm like Y U NO SHOW IT?! How does he think he's going to hurt me? I'm annoyed I've had to ask this but I can't figure him out and it's pi$^&$ me off. Whats with the discrepancy? First of all, my condolences to your loss. I lost my wife over a year ago to illness. Yes, I think that he feels that it's too soon for you. That you may be using this opportunity to help bury feelings you may still have for your ex. Saying that, I also understand your need and want to rediscover that loving feeling again. I'm not certain if 6-months is enough distance, but there are no set rules for recovery and every one is different. I know all too well the frustrations of others projecting expectations of what a widower should and shouldn't feel and after what certain time period. The key here is to be consistent and demonstrate that you are ready for something new. But you must be honest with yourself and him and allow him to share in your feelings of your ex. Really. You'll know if you're ready or not. Whatever you do, don't let other people tell you if you are ready or not. YOU, above all else, knows better if you are in the right place for a new relationship. Take it slow and be deliberate and again, consistent in your intent and behavior so that he SEES that you are ready. Good luck. And by the way, I live in the Dallas area. Welcome to LS and the area. 1
Author jaQ3 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 Thanks everyone for the insight. And soccer, I'm so very sorry for your loss as well. Big hugs to you. x
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