XNemesisX Posted September 26, 2004 Posted September 26, 2004 I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half now, and not even once has his ex ever completely fell out of the picture. In fact, she just may have caused some irreparable damage. Every time we would get in a fight, he would call her. Not only would he call her and talk about me to her, he would also tell her he loves her. She lives far away, so I don't think any physical cheating took place but as for emotional cheating: most definitely. He has been lying about this contact for a long time. Only until last night did I get what resembles any sort of honesty about her. A few months ago, I finally talked to her myself. I was trying to be polite but she wouldn't let me. She immediately started calling me names and screaming with her annoying little voice, "I'M SORRY YOU'RE BOYFRIEND IS STILL IN LOVE WITH ME!" with my boyfriend sitting right there, I asked him if he was still in love with her and he just looked at me. He claimed after that, he didn't speak to her. LIE. Then about a month ago, he called her himself and told her to quit calling him. After a bunch of sappy little text msgs she sent back, I thought it was over. WRONG. Just found out last night, the contact has still yet to cease. She continued to text msg him, and going by his past history of lying about the tramp, I don't doubt he hasn't contacted right back. As an excuse to contact him, she makes up this lie that I am calling her at 2 am in the morning. I don't even have this girls number. WHY can't he just stop this? We have even been talking about marriage, but yet her annoying ghost will never stop haunting our relationship. AND no, I'm not saying it is all her fault. Its his fault too, for egging it on and MY GOD for saying he loves her to her! WTF?! I just don't understand the point of this. He has me, and we have an awesome relationship except for this one parasite. He seems to truly just love me, and want to be with me, yet these actions seem contradictory. I even talked to his mom about it when I went and stayed the weekend with him and his parents. She was like "____ just likes to feel like girls are crazy about him, and he has a hard time being mean to people. He's probably more attracted to his Aunt Becky than he is to her." Despite what his mom told me, I still don't feel any better about this. In fact, I feel completely helpless. And miserable. I feel I don't deserve this stress and sadness. I can't break up with him either. Its a miserable hopeless situation and its starting to get to me to where I am ready to go find this girl and let her have it (psycho I know, but everyone has their limit). She is ruining my life, and ruining my life with ____. I jsut resent this. And it is causing our relationship to suffer. This obsession is going out of control. If I were to tell everything that has happened with her since I have dated him, it would take all day and tomorrow. So I just tried to sum it up as best I could in this thread. He claims to only love me, but if this is true what is so hard about telling this toxic person to get out of our lives? How can I get rid of her? I need help please. I'm at my wit's end.
Just Visiting Posted September 27, 2004 Posted September 27, 2004 He claims a lot of things doesn't he? I wouldn't give this guy a chance. He has shown that he cannot be trusted. If he really didn't want anything to do with his ex, then he wouldn't be running back and forth. Telling her everything. That's just wrong. Him allowing this woman to be a third wheel in the scenario is a sign of disrespect and dishonesty towards you. Don't allow him to have that sort of power. It is not your job to get rid of this woman, it's your boyfriend's.
Orchid Posted September 27, 2004 Posted September 27, 2004 You're in quite an emotional triangle. What his mother said is quite telling.... 'he just likes to feel that girls are crazy about him, he has a hard time being mean to people'. People who have never really broken off past relationships to this extent often have emotional programming that makes letting go of the past very difficult. I don't know what the story is with his family of origin, but he may feel guilty abandoning his ex if one of his own parents left the other, or he may feel guilty for leaving if he was left by one of his own parents, and be punishing himself by unconsciously sabotaging his relationship with you. Not wise to let the ex have it, you'll only make matters worse (ie she'll give him a colourful version of what happened, his sympathies will all be in her court, he'll resent and turn against you). It's up to him and him ALONE to take responsibility and honour his commitment to you by letting go of his ex and his feelings of responsibility toward her. No matter how toxic she tries to be, if he wants to take a stand, and does, there wont be a problem. You need to give him bottom lines.... he wont confront his ex so try suggesting counselling. If he refuses, you need to ask yourself why you're letting yourself be treated like this.... if you really believed you deserved better, you'd tell him in no uncertain terms that this isn't working for you period, you're leaving and to give you a call when he's finished with his other relationship. Empower yourself by taking a good look and responsibility for your own choices - "I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half now, and not even once has his ex ever completely fell out of the picture".... you chose to ignore clear warning signs of a big potential problem right from the start. Why?. You chose to become and stay involved with someone who is emotionally unavailable to you. Why?.... as Dr Phil would say, what's the pay off?.
indicolite Posted September 27, 2004 Posted September 27, 2004 sorry, it is 1/2 his fault--in fact more his than hers. he continues to keep in touch with the ex---she would be out of the picture if it was his will to keep her out. i am very sorry--it is hard but let him go before it is worse for you one day.
Breathe Posted September 27, 2004 Posted September 27, 2004 The only way you are ever going to get this woman out of your life is: (A) - He gets rid of her for good by cutting off ALL contact. OR (B) - You get rid of your boyfriend.
Breathe Posted September 27, 2004 Posted September 27, 2004 The only way you are ever going to get this woman out of your life is: (A) - He gets rid of her for good by cutting off ALL contact. OR (B) - You get rid of your boyfriend.
Breathe Posted September 27, 2004 Posted September 27, 2004 The only way you are ever going to get this woman out of your life is: (A) - He gets rid of her for good by cutting off ALL contact. OR (B) - You get rid of your boyfriend.
ziggue Posted September 27, 2004 Posted September 27, 2004 It sux. You want to leave him but then you don't want it easy for him to go back to the Ex. Hopefully that doesn't happen. Hopefully he doesn't regret breaking up with the Ex. I have been in a similar situation. That is the reason why you won't leave him. Ask him to cut off contact with the Ex. If he doesn't then what's the point in hanging around. It will only make matters worst. Make him suffer first if he doesn't then brake up with him. It is horrible having another girl hanging around in the background of a relationship.
Author XNemesisX Posted September 27, 2004 Author Posted September 27, 2004 Orchid - you are so right on about that. In fact, his real father actually did leave his mother before he was even born. He didn't know who his real father was until he was 16 or 17. his dad still doesn't want much to do with him. I didn't even think of this as a potential reason for why he is this way! As for the pay-off thing, I have been thinking of that too, what exactly am I getting from this? It sure isn't happiness. More like misery, sadness, constant worry, hurt. Loving someone that I cannot trust. Makes me regret having ever given him a chance and took the risk of having a relationship with a person who has issues letting go of the past. I must be a glutton for punishment. I have tried to break up with him before, over this, but for some reason I can't stick to it for long. It makes me feel like I am just destined for misery. I don't understand why I keep on staying with this person when I know I can't trust him, as Ziggue pointed out though, I do think a lot of why I stay is I feel he will just go back to the ex like it was nothing. Ziggue- I can tell you have been in this exact situation before. You couldn't have put it better. I think that I am scared that if I break up with him he's just going to be like "ok thats fine I will just go be with the ex now." that would just make me SICK. I don't want it to be that easy for him. How could I make him suffer before I break up wtih him though? I'm thinking about just ignoring his calls and acting distant from him. I just don't want to let him off the hook so easy by simply just breaking up with him...too easy for him to run back to her. Breathe- he actually did tell her about a month ago, with me sitting right there, to stop contacting him. The thing is, I have heard this line before and how easy would it be for him to just call her again when I'm not around and be like "sorry I just had to say that to make my girlfriend shut up." I just don't trust he will stick with it. And how would I ever know if the contact really and truly was broke off? It would be hard to tell. With his past record, its nearly impossible to trust a single word that comes out of his mouth. I think that even if he did cease all contact with her, I would still be thinking in the back of my mind, "wonder if he still thinks about her? wonder if he still has feelings for her?" I mean, I think what hurts the most is that I feel like I may not be the most special to him. I feel like I'm having to share his emotions and it devestates me because I have no feelings whatsoever for any of my exes anymore. Its just not fair. I feel like I will never find someone who is not still stuck on someone else. He claims he no longer has feelings for her, and just honestly tried to be friends, but I don't think you tell an ex "I love you" at the end of every conversation 2 years after a breakup when you just want to be friends. I cannot read this guy! I desperately wish I could break up with him and find someone new but in the back of my mind, I'm thinking what if I just find another guy to fall for that will do the same thing to me? It feels hopeless. I am so depressed. Sometimes I wonder if I am just better off alone.
savethedrama4allama Posted September 27, 2004 Posted September 27, 2004 It sounds like your boyfriend and mine have the same ex. Yeah, this chick has problems. But your boyfriend is the one at fault. What he is doing is wrong, wrong, wrong. He should never bring your relationship problems to the attention of a jealous ex. He shouldn't be exchanging sappy text messages. Most of all, he should not be lying regarding his contact with her. What has been going on is completely inappropriate. An ex should never be a player in a current relationship. And if you're worried that you're going to dump him and he'll go back to his ex...yes that would hurt. But if he does it, was your relationship ever valid in the first place? Do you want to be with someone who would turn back to their ex when they're set free? If he wants her so bad, let her have him! You're not going to want to hear this, but hon he has lied to you and disrespected you enough. It is time to cut the loser off, in my opinion. And if you stay with him out of fear that he will go back to his ex, you're not getting the love you deserve. You deserve honesty dammit! You deserve a boyfriend who will only tell you and his family "I love you." Exes do NOT fit into that category! Someday you will look back on this and kick yourself for letting it go on so long. I am living proof that if your boyfriend is truly over his ex and wants to take a stand, no matter how vindictive his ex is, he can cut her off. Remember, he is the one who is doing you wrong. Please quit giving her the satisfaction of knowing that she is getting under your skin. Move on and find someone who is emotionally available! PM me if you need to. Best wishes!
SoleMate Posted September 27, 2004 Posted September 27, 2004 Yeah. Like savethedrama said. You're barking up the wrong tree. The problems in your relationship that involve this ex (???) are 100% your BF's fault. She only has power and influence in your relationship to the extent that HE lets her. And sounds like he is giving her free rein to stomp and cr*p all over the most intimate parts of your relationship (?). Forget the girl. She is NOT the problem. Your BF is the problem. I would just get myself calm and say, "I would like a 1:1 relationship with you, with no involvement from your ex." Then detail what that means and what you would expect him to do and not to do. Just decide what you can live with, let him know, and then stick to it. If he can't look this girl in the eye and tell her "It's over between you and me, YX32Nemesis is my girl, and I don't want to hear from you again because your behavior is really unpleasant and damaging", then what kind of man (?) is he? I know his mom makes excuses for him...but then she's his mom. PLEASE don't marry a man who has an ongoing involvement with his ex. Look at what Diana Spencer did. Mistake of her life. Unless your BF can truly tell you and SHOW you that you are his one and only, forget it!
Author XNemesisX Posted September 29, 2004 Author Posted September 29, 2004 Thanks so much guys for your input. I have an update...I actually talked to this ex on the internet for about 2 hours. I'm going to copy paste some things she said that disturb me the most. In regard to them telling eachother that they loved eachother (since we have been together) and more: ......... Me: so that kind of clicked something in my head. and i asked him "why were you still telling her you love her?" (he said he would say that to you on conversations, but according to him only because you said it first and he felt he had to say it back) and he said you were still saying it even after the breakup and since he had been wtih me. i just didnt understand that. Her: HE SAID IT FIRST! Her: he used to always say it was love at first sight. Her: and that is why we slept together right after meeting on spring break, it was like fate Her: my friends really do call him fate boy on the breakup... Her: no i broke up with him because i met Z and thought the long distance thing was too hard Her: and he still wanted to sleep with me and i wouldnt!!!! Her: Idk. It is such a great love story with me and your boyfriend. I was so in love with him. It really was fate. Her: He called me on his way to New Hampshire wanting to come by. Her: and hey i like sex!!!!! I can’t go without sex – I like to have sex with people! so what!... atleast i know the names of all the guys right? i have never had a one night stand.. it has always been a relationsip..or except for in _____'s case. But that was fate. Her: I have seriously felt so ****ty about 'breaking his heart' for the last two and a half years since I broke up with him. Her: yeah like he called when he heard Jessica Simpson singing "take my Breath waway Her: " Me: oh brother Her: because Berlin sings it in Top Gun, and he said it was one of our songs Her: we did havea ridiculous amount of songs for dating such a short time Me: yeah he has been trying to get me to watch that movie. Said its special to him and never saw it with a girl before but wants to. He also says "take my breath away" is our song. Me: did he ask you to marry him too? Her: Yep. Ok, that should give you the gist. It was so long that I couldn't send all of it, wish I could. But, well, what can I say but that I am just speechless? Oh and she also told me about his yahoo profile, which I didn't know about which still has one of their hundreds of songs quoted as his favorite quote and a webpage link to the hotel they met eachother at on spring break. A little background on them.. they met right off the bat b/c they stayed at the same hotel and saw eachother in the lobby. Immediately had sex. Started dating even though they lived states away. It only lasted several months. But this sort of contact has yet to cease for 2 1/2 years. He even said that on 1 trip, she came and told him that since they lived states away she had to get sex from somewhere so they were allowed to have sex wtih others and still date. And I guess he agreed to it for a while! I am devestated. You would think someone he has dated for 1 year and a half would mean more to him than this. And c'mon people, does it sound like they may have mental problems regarding this whole fate thing? Sounds pretty stupid if you ask me. Its a drunken spring break! So they met at a hotel *cough* how appropriate. so that makes it fate, right? lol. Sorry I just had to vent. Oh and you know what he is saying about it, (cause I broke up with him after this)? Oh that she was lying about all of it and that that song quoted on his yahoo profile was HIM AND HIS COUSIN'S SONG!. (b/c supposedly they would do X to that song back in the day). He won't stop calling me either. Repeatedly saying SHE is lying. oh and one more thing: she is engaged.
Author XNemesisX Posted September 29, 2004 Author Posted September 29, 2004 Ok I just got off the phone with him.. He is upset and saying that he can't believe that I am going to allow her to "win" and break us up with her "lies" He is calling her obscene names and saying "she is nothing but a slut, so I made a mistake I am not like that anymore." he was also like, "you BLOW HER OUT OF THE WATER! you are so much better than her, you are prettier, classier, blah blah blah" He also said that the only reason he would even call her is when he would get mad at me and try to get revenge. (Although I don't really see how it could be revenge for anything I have done - what? petty arguments about what a slob he is when he stays at my place and other PETTY little things allows for telling an ex you still love them?) Still though, how is it really revenge if he was trying to lie about it and keep it secret? it wasn't until I saw with my own 2 eyes a text msg he sent her saying "you know i still love you baby" SINCE WE WERE DATING that I REALLY knew something was definitely going on. Oh and I should have posted another thing she said this is important: Her: He did call me and tell me to stop contact with him because it was upsetting you. But he will call again. When I havent thought of him in weeks he will call. He WILL call me. You can count on that. Please help me. He is not letting me break up wtih him. What should I do? Would you believe him? Does he deserve another chance? Do you think she could be saying things to hurt me? I am on an emotional roller coaster right now. I can't think straight.
Author XNemesisX Posted September 29, 2004 Author Posted September 29, 2004 sorry I keep posting, I am an emotional wreck. Do you think they sound immature too? (with this whole fate thing?) I am 21, he is 24, and she is 22. God help us all. I may never date again. I just want to go to a deserted island for a while and get away from this bull****. You know what? I don't know if I will ever get over his betrayals.
Orchid Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 Sweety, these two are as BAD as each other. You need to stay focused on the big picture here.... I know it's hard, but the bottom line is your boyfriend (ex?) has the morals and character of a slug. He's proven himself to be untrustworthy and manipulative on ALL levels, and he's still doing it. If he wanted her out, she'd have been out of the picture a LONG time ago. Slice it and dice it anyway you want... what she's saying, or not saying, what he's saying or not saying, you get the same result. There were three of you in this, and it was HIS choice. NO, do not believe him.... coz he's been so honest with you to date, right?. NO, he does not deserve another chance... another chance at what?... deception?, coz that's been there from day one, right?. Don't get suckered into more of his manipulative bulls**t lines. HE chose to never emotionally break up with his ex, HE is the one breaking you up with HIS lies. The only thing HIS actions are allowing is for you to 'win' back yourself and be rid of his crap. And what exactly is being broken up?... a loving, committed relationship with a loyal, trustworthy, honest guy?. Errrr, no. She's nothing but a slut hey?.... a 'slut' he's confided to, a 'slut' he's devoted webpages to, a 'slut' he tells he loves (still), a 'slut' he's been lying to you about, a 'slut' he's let destroy his relationship with you over. Wow, a lot of feeling and deception going on over someone he considers a 'slut'. Nice for you to know that the standard of person he'll let in his life is so high. Nice try... calling the ex "to try and get revenge". If he actually believes that line he's about 5 years old on the emotional maturity scale. You will get over this, trust me. Cut all contact with him immediately.... if for no other reason at this point, tell yourself you're doing it to get some head space to get your bearings back. Ring him up and tell him you're done, you want nothing more to do with him and his mess and to not contact you again. Do not engage in conversation with him, he'll only try to manipulate you, keep repeating what you have to say and get off the phone. Saying "he's not letting you break up with him" is on par with him not being firm with his ex and getting her out of his (your) life (lives).... you can do it if you want to.
Just Visiting Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 I totally agree with Orchid. The only way to get out of this scenario is to cut off all contact with him immediately.
savethedrama4allama Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 Originally posted by Orchid She's nothing but a slut hey?.... a 'slut' he's confided to, a 'slut' he's devoted webpages to, a 'slut' he tells he loves (still), a 'slut' he's been lying to you about, a 'slut' he's let destroy his relationship with you over. Wow, a lot of feeling and deception going on over someone he considers a 'slut'. Nice for you to know that the standard of person he'll let in his life is so high. AMEN! I think she said a lot of what she did to get under your skin, but he is still wrong in what he did! Leave them to eachother! You should mean SO much more after a year and a half.
YellowLioness Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 He's not worth your time. He's like dating a seven year old. "But, she MADE me do it!" Just leave him before anythign worse happens. He's only acting like this because he got caught.
neptoon Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 I hate these types of situations...they're so emotionally draining and, at the end, leave you with nothing but a hollow feeling inside that makes you feel crap about yourself. Containing the damage: I think you should limit the damage that this entire sick, twisted situation has caused you by taking control of the situation and just saying "f-ck that". You're misdirecting your anger. Why is your anger towards her -- HE's the one that made the choice to keep up the communication with her. As far as his mother saying that he's too "nice" -- horse sh*t! What that really means is that this man has absolutely no backbone. This probably translates into the rest of his life -- he's a YES man who will never do well in the real world -- his life is limited by his lack of confidence in himself...this is why he feels he has no power to find another girl and has to go running and crying back to his ex instead of looking at the problem and trying to resolve it because it really matters to you. This is why I think sometimes it's just better to move on -- sometimes I think that if I don't, I'm just a loser who believes she can't get anyone else. Everyone goes through it. Everyone gets tempted to call their ex but resisting the urge to is the moment we start taking control over our own lives and we start dedicating genuine effort into what we have infront of us. It doesn't work if only one of the two people are in this mindset. I think both have to be in this mindset. If one of the people can't let go, that person isn't ready to be in another relationship. You're 21. Don't waste your life with this loser.
SoleMate Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 He is not letting me break up wtih him. What should I do? Unless he is actually chaining you to the bedpost, he cannot prevent you from leaving him and ceasing contact with him. You don't need his verbal permission to break up - it can be a UNILATERAL (onesided) decision. Would you believe him? I would believe he has feelings for you, and I would also believe that he is hooked on the attention he gets from this other girl and will likely be going back for more comfort from her whenever you ask him to pick up his dirty socks. Does he deserve another chance? This is a hard call. Everybody here is saying "Dump him!" and I must confess, that is my impulse too. On the other hand, none of us knows the full story and reality of what you two have together - and what the value of it is. I think it would be sensible to try again but ONLY if the two of you can calmly set conditions that prevent contact with this girl and allow you a way to verify that. You two also need a way to deal with "dirty socks" issues that don't involve a third party, so I would insist on working on that as well. Do you think she could be saying things to hurt me? Heck yes. It's a competition and she is like a baseball fan yelling "HEEEYYYYY BAAAAATTTTTTEEERR, BATTER!"
savethedrama4allama Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 Obviously if she's engaged herself and still carrying on with your man she has serious issues of her own. I wouldn't listen to anything SHE has said because I'm sure her goal is to hurt you. What you have to look at is what he has done.
YellowLioness Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 Girl, all you have to say is, "It's over." That's it. Then, the relationship is done. He can't keep you in a relationship. It takes two to make a relationship. Just gather your courage, set him down, and tell him, "You're not what I want in a man. You were caught in your own lies. It's immature to run to an ex girlfriend to "get me back" just because you were mad. That's immature behavior, and I'm not looking to date any "boys." If you continue to contact or harass me, I will get a restraining order." You don't have to put up with his crap. No one is forcing you, that is, unless he has a gun to your head. Just leave. You're a free woman, this isn't like some parts of the middle east. You're making this so much harder then it has to be if you really want out of the situation.
Author XNemesisX Posted September 30, 2004 Author Posted September 30, 2004 Thanks you all so much for your input! I think that what makes it so hard for me to just break up and leave it at that is that I really have gotten INTENSE feelings for him, and sometimes it is hard for me to step out of denial and just end it already. I feel like I have completely wasted my time, and in a way I think that a lot of people hold on to bad relationships because of all the time/effort they have invested..I need to stop with this mindset. Maybe I really am not being blunt and assertive enough with him. I did break up with him, but now he is calling my phone off the hook, coming by my house, you name it. When I finally do answer the phone and tell him "look we are broke up stop calling me" he just says "You know you can't break up with me. You love me too much. I KNOW you. You can't break up with me. And I won't let you. You are dependent on me. I will keep calling you blah blah blah"If I hang up on him, he just calls back pleading. Repeatedly. Am I going to have to get my phone number changed? Or do you think that eventually he will get the point? I really do agree that I should break up with him. I do think that he is right, that she may be exaggerating just to be a bitch to me but on the other hand, he was caught with that text msg he sent her telling her he still loves her. And you're right, doing that out of "revenge" is very immature...if that is even his real motive for it that is! I just hope I can get the strength and courage I need to get through this. You all are helping me so much, helping me keep my senses and not run back to the loser like what he has done is nothing. We have had some intense moments of happiness, but along wtih it was that ever present ex that was always lingering around. That really puts a damper on a relationship! And yes it really is his fault! A spineless man - what a catch! Since it appears he will say yes to about anything, makes me think that every time a girl comes on to him he just can't say no - you know "he doesn't want to be mean" and all. Bleh. He claims that since he told her no more contact, that he means it *this time*...but just like she said, "He WILL call me. You can count on that." He "swears to God on his life he won't ever want to be around her again or God send him straight to hell" but even with that said, I just don't think I can believe this guy. How do you all get over stuff like this? Right now, I have been unable to eat or sleep. All I can do is chain smoke. I don't think I have ever been so heart broken in my life. I can't believe I have been so deceived. Sometimes I wonder that since she is engaged and all, that is the only reason he is trying to keep me on a string. He can't have her since she lives so far away and has a fiance so he wants me as his "steady one" while they both still want eachother on the side. Ugh. You have no idea how much I would like to somehow contact this fiance of hers and fill him in. Send him that conversation I had with her. I feel very sorry for him.
Orchid Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 It's those intense moments of happiness that have kept you hooked in. But, when a relationship, any relationship, is turning out to be 90% bad and 10% good, and those good times were mostly at the beginning, it's time to move on. You know, as I read everything you typed he said to you: "You know you can't break up with me. You love me too much. I KNOW you. You can't break up with me. And I won't let you. You are dependent on me. I will keep calling you blah blah blah" I found myself thinking I'll bet this is exactly what he said to his ex when she tried to break up with him. Seems he's lived up to those words where she's concerned.... he made sure she never broke up with him, right?, he made sure she stayed dependent on him, right?, he made sure to never stop calling her, right?, he made sure he never stopped telling her he loved her, right?, he made sure she never stopped telling him the same back, right?. The boy's wiring is messed up. He needs to feel he has power over the women in his life and he'll do and say whatever it takes to get the ex, you, and anyone else he can pull in, to keep giving him his fix. Don't be fooled, it's not love, it's a game. And if you're not careful right now to cut your ties cleanly, he'll set you up (string you along) in his life exactly as he has the ex. Be strong, be courageous... focus on you. Eat a little chocolate.
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