Author rainmayker Posted May 12, 2013 Author Posted May 12, 2013 You do sound controlling. She doesn't want to be with you. You definitely need to work on your issues. Thanks, I'm working on it now and I actually think that I'd rather not date LT anymore. 1-3 months short term dating is best so that I don't get possessive or controlling.
soccerrprp Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 Thanks, I'm working on it now and I actually think that I'd rather not date LT anymore. 1-3 months short term dating is best so that I don't get possessive or controlling. How is this a solution to your problem? What if the ladies you date want more? Are you going to tell them that you're only interested in being with them for 1-3 months and then move on? This is a terrible idea. It doesn't help with your problems and it selfishly undermines and disregards the feelings of future ladies that come into your life. Don't date until you get this under control. Or commit and work it out, but this leaves your next lady vulnerable to your controlling ways....get help. You are only going to make things worse by doing what you suggest.
Author rainmayker Posted May 12, 2013 Author Posted May 12, 2013 How is this a solution to your problem? What if the ladies you date want more? Are you going to tell them that you're only interested in being with them for 1-3 months and then move on? This is a terrible idea. It doesn't help with your problems and it selfishly undermines and disregards the feelings of future ladies that come into your life. Don't date until you get this under control. Or commit and work it out, but this leaves your next lady vulnerable to your controlling ways....get help. You are only going to make things worse by doing what you suggest. Where and what kind of help do you suggest?
TaraMaiden Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 Trust me - she has no intention whatsoever of 'getting back with you later'. She states you could be friends (I strongly and totally advise against that!) but forget ever dating her again, until you're at least a year to two, down the line. if you're still free, and she's still free, and you feel benign indifference THEN try. Until then, forget getting back 'later'.
Author rainmayker Posted May 12, 2013 Author Posted May 12, 2013 Trust me - she has no intention whatsoever of 'getting back with you later'. She states you could be friends (I strongly and totally advise against that!) but forget ever dating her again, until you're at least a year to two, down the line. if you're still free, and she's still free, and you feel benign indifference THEN try. Until then, forget getting back 'later'. Thank you for this, as she keeps throwing me these little hints that she will want to date me again later. Then I always ask, "when is later?" And of course, she has no answer. "When I'm ready". My female friends also advised me to never be friends from a conversation last night. I will take your advice and I will not be friends with her. A year or two down the line, I am not sure if I even want to do date anyone anymore after this heart-wrenching experience... it's quite painful and I honestly can't wait to stop the hurt!
Own Worst Enemy Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 But it does sound as if you both have some issues. It sounds as if she liked male attention a bit too much, and you might well have dodged a bit of a cheating bullet there, my friend. On the other hand, as a girl, you do sound a bit obsessive and controlling. All that stuff about calling all the time etc would frighten me a bit, and I would actively like a guy who wants to commit! Maye just try not to worry about all that. Focus on yourself and wha makes you happy for a bit; do the cliche things like loud music and hitting the gym. Then just try and have fun with girls - not sex, not dating necessarily, just see the whole thing as a bit of fun rather than something intense. Hopefully that will help you to relax, because apart from that slight over the top bit, I'd have thought any girl would be thrilled to meet someone who cares so much! 1
Author rainmayker Posted May 12, 2013 Author Posted May 12, 2013 But it does sound as if you both have some issues. It sounds as if she liked male attention a bit too much, and you might well have dodged a bit of a cheating bullet there, my friend. On the other hand, as a girl, you do sound a bit obsessive and controlling. All that stuff about calling all the time etc would frighten me a bit, and I would actively like a guy who wants to commit! Maye just try not to worry about all that. Focus on yourself and wha makes you happy for a bit; do the cliche things like loud music and hitting the gym. Then just try and have fun with girls - not sex, not dating necessarily, just see the whole thing as a bit of fun rather than something intense. Hopefully that will help you to relax, because apart from that slight over the top bit, I'd have thought any girl would be thrilled to meet someone who cares so much! Yeah, she really does enjoy male attention a LOT, and I think that this is one of the unaddressed issues that we faced. After our breakup, she confessed to one of her friends that she liked "innocently flirting" with every guy she meets... I do still care about her a lot, and it freaking hurts. I lost a LOT of time just pining/crying over her. I'm giving myself a lot of room to still grieve and mourn over our relationship, because I still don't feel like she had any real reason to break up with me! We were so happy together! Oh, the funny thing is, my female friends have started telling me exactly what you're telling me now: "...because apart from that slight over the top bit, I'd have thought any girl would be thrilled to meet someone who cares so much!" They have been telling me that if I could become a little more detached, then I can have any girl I want. This is because girls want these things in a man: CharmingHandsomeHumorousSuccessfulWell-dressedCharismatic I will be trying to get this through my thick head because I do have low self-esteem. I am good looking, I have charisma, I love laughing, I own a business, and I dress very well for my age. The reason I got so attached to her was because she was there for me when I was flat broke and homeless, before I started making any money. I'm still not rich yet, but I think I may be a millionaire within three years from now... and since she was there from the very start, I wanted to truly share my life with her! If not for anything else, but for her loyalty in being there from the beginning... sigh I'm just a hopeless romantic... I will be working on the whole "jealous" and "controlling" thing, but I honestly feel like I don't want to be getting attached to someone the way that became with her. I don't even want to date anyone right now! I hope that things will work out in the end, and this, regretfully, was *supposed* to happen...
Own Worst Enemy Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 You know that you don't want to feel insecure and controlling. You sound as if you should know that you have absolutely no need whatsoever to feel/be like that. Just try your best to relax and enjoy being you, so that you can see why any girl would be lucky to have you. Don't worry about being with anyone else except yourself (er that sounds more dodgy than I meant it to!!) for the moment. At some point, the right girl will boost your confidence and you'll never need to feel like that again. But right now don't worry about that or when it will happen. That will only make you feel worse. Easier said than done, I know, but if you can try, it might help! Remember people always want what they can't have. You should never play games, but a little bit of detachment/mystery/not appearing clingy will go a long long way with confident, sorted girls! 1
Author rainmayker Posted May 12, 2013 Author Posted May 12, 2013 You know that you don't want to feel insecure and controlling. You sound as if you should know that you have absolutely no need whatsoever to feel/be like that. Just try your best to relax and enjoy being you, so that you can see why any girl would be lucky to have you. Don't worry about being with anyone else except yourself (er that sounds more dodgy than I meant it to!!) for the moment. At some point, the right girl will boost your confidence and you'll never need to feel like that again. But right now don't worry about that or when it will happen. That will only make you feel worse. Easier said than done, I know, but if you can try, it might help! Remember people always want what they can't have. You should never play games, but a little bit of detachment/mystery/not appearing clingy will go a long long way with confident, sorted girls! You're right, I should have been doing that all along. If only my emotions weren't so damn strong! They really clouded my logical thinking and being in the situation myself really didn't help me to see the 'big picture' any... thank you for helping open my eyes to it! My female friends have been introducing me to girls with similar personality type to my ex, and it has been helping a great deal lately because I keep thinking that "she's one in a million and I'll never find another girl like her!". I know, it sounds crazy, but that's how I've been feeling... because we just seemed so PERFECT together! Now, at the very least, I know that there are other people who can be similar to her, even without the history we had together... The funny part is, when we first met, I was totally not interested in a relationship at all, and she was the one to chase me. I was 'mysterious' and 'hard to find'... maybe what you say is the best thing for me even from the start?
Author rainmayker Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 I've been depressed for nearly a month now. I only started feeling better today when I read homebrew's article on GIGS that I felt 100x better! I have been mulling over it and literally ALL of the symptoms he described fit my ex, from making up lame excuses, to throwing away a perfectly good relationship, to moving on to some new douche bag even a few days before we broke up. She made it seem like it was my fault, too, for not providing enough "attention" or love for her. I believed it like a poor AFC. I went through several hundreds of posts on forums and even more dating articles than that. Do you want to know what made me feel a LOT better today? One of the articles mentioned that "you shouldn't be jealous or freaking out that she's having sex with someone else because, guess what? YOU ALREADY ****ED HER! Let her go. You had your fun. Now get a new fling, and you'll feel bright as new!" It did... make a lot more sense in thinking that way. I really did have all of the fun and good times with her already. We had some good memories, so I have no regrets. Whatever happens now, happens, and it's not my fault because I did not choose to throw away our perfectly good relationship. I fought to get her back, I did everything I could, including losing literally all of my dignity, and she still didn't want me back. Instead, she says that "we can be friends when I am ready, and maybe in the future we can get back together." I asked my female friends what that meant, and they all said that she isn't coming back. That broke my heart a second time. They all, literally, said to just move on. The the imagination goes wild and I begin thinking of things that they are doing together - sadistic things which just drove me mad! This went on for about two weeks, until today, when I started reading some PUA articles that said that it was all my fault that she left me, that I was too 'available' (which I was), and that had I kept her interested in me, she would still be here. A lot of truth going on here, from both sides, and I think that my own combination of everything really paints the bigger picture. Today, I let go of wanting to know what she's doing with that new guy and I keep moving forward with my career. No more wondering how many times they had sex today, or if she will move over to live with him, or if she ever thinks of me. I just need to know that she hasn't forgotten about me, and she never will. I had her for two beautiful years and even though it ended abruptly, I can at least say that I put in 100% effort into our relationship, even fought to keep it, tooth and nail. I believe now that we weren't meant to be together in the end, and that this is how it should be. With all of these acceptances, I stopped checking her FB, her Skype, and I even stopped looking for her text messages on my phone. It's a magical thing, one month can do to a guy who's heartbroken. I still will not be dating anyone, as I want to grieve some more, but at least now I am able to stand up again. Thank you guys for your help, and I'll keep you posted on my progress. 1
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