My Breakup: How not to get your girlfriend back

[rainmayker]

My breakup isn't that fancy or flashy. But I did get tired of the lingering and the wanting her back, so I did the unthinkable: I broke NC.

 

I didn't want to, but I just couldn't sit around waiting for her to reach around and "feel" like taking me back. No thanks. It drove me nuts and I didn't want to keep doing it.

 

Here's the story:

We went out for 2 years. Out of the blue, she dropped me like a hot potato, without a single warning. This is called a "blindsided" breakup, the first time I had ever been in one, and it was excruciating.

 

She disappeared on me Saturday night, then when I called her the next morning as usual, she said it's over. I was bawling on the floor for hours on the phone with my best friend. All he could say was "it doesn't make any sense". And it didn't make any sense to me, either.

 

Her reasons for leaving me? She just did everything she could to hang up the phone as quickly as possible by giving me her random reasons:

 

• I lost feelings for you
  
• You're too controlling
  
• My family won't accept you
  
• I didn't get enough attention
  
• ...a few more I think
  

 

I yelled and screamed and said that it's not over, that we can just take a break. It was terrible for me and I didn't know how to react! I thought we were totally happy together! And if there were any problems, I would gladly work them out with her. We rarely ever argued about anything at all, we just went through the days together.

 

One week went by, and I was still on the floor every single night, soaked with tears. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't move. The world was at a standstill. Then, at around 1.25 weeks, I finally called her.

 

We sat and talked for hours and she eventually fell asleep on me. I told her that we needed to talk about everything that went on between us, from beginning to now. I started off by apologizing to her and telling her that there were a lot of things that I did wrong and that I wanted to clarify them all with her. I went through an extensive list of things that I did wrong and that I would change, even if it didn't mean that we'd be together. I wanted to be a better person.

 

She seemed to like what she was hearing, and didn't want to hang up the phone, either. She fell asleep listening to me talk, eventually, which is what we normally did every night.

 

I left her alone for a week, then called her up on Sunday night in a fit of jealousy. I wanted answers to who she was talking to and why she was adding so many fellas to her Facebook. Big mistake, but I couldn't control myself. We ended the conversation without any anger, but the damage was done. She said that she wanted to be friends, and I said that would be okay.

 

Over the course of a week, I messaged her once per night with a short, friendly message. "Hey, how's it going?" "Hope you had a good day" "Good luck on your exams!" or something of that nature. I did it for a week, once per day, and she responded a few times. She was usually "just heading out the door" or "just about to get some rest" when she finally responded. So much for 'friendship'.

 

Then, this weekend, I finally messaged her again and said that we need to talk. She said she was busy at work and that she didn't want to talk because I was stiff, which made her feel uncomfortable. We messaged each other for maybe an hour before she finally called me to talk (her choice - I had already given up on voice calling).

 

Here's how she started the conversation: "You have to realize that I'm busy, and that sometimes I'm not ready to talk yet? :/ talk to me like a friend, you're stiff and that makes me uncomfortable"

 

The conversation was about us and how we want things to be. What it also turned out to be was me chasing her into being with me again (kinda). I wasn't actually asking her to get back with me, but the both of us knew that it's what I wanted, so that's how my words came out. She basically told me that she didn't want to date anyone anytime soon and that she really still had feelings for me. She said that she thought about me when she went to bed at night and she missed calling me.

 

This is what she said:

"Sometimes I really miss you and want to call you BUT I don't want a relationship with you I just am accustomed to clinging to you. That's not fair that I keep you on a yoyo. I will not be dating you anytime soon."

 

She said that she wants to be "just friends". Right. I think that she's not telling me something, though. The conversation ended politely, and she promised to keep in touch.

 

Question is, what is she hiding from me?

Should I even bother thinking about this?

In retrospect, I think that I could have gotten her back on the first night that we talked, had I asked. I was an idiot, though, and did NC after that (yeah, I'm an idiot!). If I had pushed her a little, she would have come around. Anyway, regrets, regrets.

She's pretty much out of my life at this point and I'm glad I got to share this with you guys so that people don't make the same mistakes that I did.

 

Cheers!

-Mike.

Edited May 12, 2013 by rainmayker

[aisuru]

She may have feelings for you but she no longer wants to be with you.

 

Accept her at face value and let her go.

 

Take care of yourself and move on.

[Echo000]

yea man. what the above person said.

 

She still has feelings. But she is done being with you.

 

What does that mean? Rebuild yourself, and realize that a person who doesnt wanna be with you does not DESERVE to be with you. She doesnt deserve you..find someone who actually loves you AND wants to be with you. You kinda need both.

[coffeebean201]

sounds like the breakup hit you really hard. for the moment, she sounds definitely gone.

 

how was the relationship itself? was she getting everything she wanted out of the relationship?

[fancy feast]

Should I even bother thinking about this?

 

No.

 

Stop talking to her, start moving on.

[rainmayker]

sounds like the breakup hit you really hard. for the moment, she sounds definitely gone.

 

how was the relationship itself? was she getting everything she wanted out of the relationship?

 

I'm still reeling from the blows that she sent me. I'm still not over her, and I won't be for a very long time (6-12 months, statistically).

 

We spent a lot of time together and were basically joined at the hip. We were happy for the most part. She didn't like a few things that I asked her not to do, though:

 

 

• Don't hand out her phone number to strange men
  
• Don't go out clubbing
  

 

Just those kinds of things. Normal, I would say, but she seems to think otherwise.

 

The final week when we broke up, I had to stay at work overtime and couldn't talk to her or spend much time with her. All I could think about was work, work, work. I asked her for a "time out" that week so that I could get work done. I returned on Sunday and she dumped me.

[coffeebean201]

I don't think the working hard/busy for a week would lead to a break up.

[justletgo07]

I'm still reeling from the blows that she sent me. I'm still not over her, and I won't be for a very long time (6-12 months, statistically).

 

We spent a lot of time together and were basically joined at the hip. We were happy for the most part. She didn't like a few things that I asked her not to do, though:

 

 

• Don't hand out her phone number to strange men
  
• Don't go out clubbing
  

 

Just those kinds of things. Normal, I would say, but she seems to think otherwise.

 

The final week when we broke up, I had to stay at work overtime and couldn't talk to her or spend much time with her. All I could think about was work, work, work. I asked her for a "time out" that week so that I could get work done. I returned on Sunday and she dumped me.

 

A few things:

- She really didn't send you any blows. Yes, she broke up with you, but it sounds like she was also very patient and understanding with you and the way you were dealing with it. In reality, she handled it quite thoughtfully

- Don't look at your healing as a statistical thing. Your choices will determine how quickly or slowly you heal

- The things you requested she not do are not exactly normal, but kind of controlling. You should trust her enough to give her number to whoever she likes, and to be able to go clubbing.

 

I would lay off the contact for a while. Giver her an opportunity to miss you. Not saying that her missing you (if she does) will change your circumstances, but it couldn't hurt, and it would be better than what you are currently doing.

 

Good luck.

[GB25]

I'm still reeling from the blows that she sent me. I'm still not over her, and I won't be for a very long time (6-12 months, statistically).

 

We spent a lot of time together and were basically joined at the hip. We were happy for the most part. She didn't like a few things that I asked her not to do, though:

 

• Don't hand out her phone number to strange men
  
• Don't go out clubbing
  

 

Just those kinds of things. Normal, I would say, but she seems to think otherwise.

 

The final week when we broke up, I had to stay at work overtime and couldn't talk to her or spend much time with her. All I could think about was work, work, work. I asked her for a "time out" that week so that I could get work done. I returned on Sunday and she dumped me.

 

 

Huh? She didnt like the fact that you asked her not to give strange guys her phone number..

 

Ummmmm...yeah that should have been a huge red flag right there

 

Im pretty sure when you're in a relationship you don't give strange people you're phone number

 

Am i reading this right?

[rainmayker]

Huh? She didnt like the fact that you asked her not to give strange guys her phone number..

 

Ummmmm...yeah that should have been a huge red flag right there

 

Im pretty sure when you're in a relationship you don't give strange people you're phone number

 

Am i reading this right?

 

I thought it was perfectly fine. I thought it was pretty standard that she didn't hand out her number to so many men that she met, unless it was for work/business. She got upset at me for keeping phone numbers of women in my phone, and even deleted them herself. Even Steven, I would believe.

 

My ex's all asked me not to go clubbing, so I didn't do it. Now, I asked her not to do it and she didn't do it. But then, she brought it up when we broke up. Go figure.

[rainmayker]

A few things:

- She really didn't send you any blows. Yes, she broke up with you, but it sounds like she was also very patient and understanding with you and the way you were dealing with it. In reality, she handled it quite thoughtfully

- Don't look at your healing as a statistical thing. Your choices will determine how quickly or slowly you heal

- The things you requested she not do are not exactly normal, but kind of controlling. You should trust her enough to give her number to whoever she likes, and to be able to go clubbing.

 

I would lay off the contact for a while. Giver her an opportunity to miss you. Not saying that her missing you (if she does) will change your circumstances, but it couldn't hurt, and it would be better than what you are currently doing.

 

Good luck.

 

Should I log off of Skype/FB altogether? I asked her this many times and she flat out doesn't want me to "disappear" like I had originally intended to do in the first place (NC). She keeps pushing to be friends with me... what does it mean?

[Echo000]

means she wants you to be her bi**H. respect yourself. she doesnt get to choose the degree to which you are in her life. If she doesnt want all of you, bounce. dont give her everything she wants..common man.

[rainmayker]

You're right man, I'm really glad that we went into that yelling contest today. I just felt like there was something not right about the whole thing!

 

Time to recover...

[ViciousCycle]

Take this break up seriously and really analyze what you did. I was you a month ago and I realize now that I handled myself poorly. What you did shows a lack of poise, your dependency, and a lack of respect for her and yourself. Your requests of her, though understandable, show an insecurity.

 

None of this is attractive. Worry about yourself now, so you can squash these unattractive traits. Look to the root cause. You deserve better from yourself. I'm rooting for you..put in work

[SimonSerenade]

Man.... Your thinking about all that?, stop thinking about it, that **** will eat away at your soul, her actions are her own, nothing you can do about it, you need to stop beating yourself up and accept that fact, it will make your life a lot easier, though I think your demands are acceptable and reasonable but there really only valid if your with her, while I was with my ex, she better not be texting random guys and going to the clubs dancing and drinking, that's the site life but she's single now, she can do what she likes, of course I won't like it and heck the thought of her in bed with someone else rips my heart out but there her decisions and there decisions that if she made she won't be able to take back and it would be her mistakes, no way could i go back to a relationship that would tainted afterwards, it sounds like you want control over her and that ain't good man, she ain't going to want to come to back to that, you gotta trust and respect her decisions, however messed up they are, my point is your doing a the wrong things and making matters worse for yourself, you need to do something for yourself and find a place where you can accept the reality of your situation and accept there's the possibility she isn't coming back, only then can you move on.

[KraftDinner]

What was the "time out"? Do you mean you didn't want to talk to her for a week?

[rainmayker]

Take this break up seriously and really analyze what you did. I was you a month ago and I realize now that I handled myself poorly. What you did shows a lack of poise, your dependency, and a lack of respect for her and yourself. Your requests of her, though understandable, show an insecurity.

 

None of this is attractive. Worry about yourself now, so you can squash these unattractive traits. Look to the root cause. You deserve better from yourself. I'm rooting for you..put in work

 

Thank you for your input and telling me your reasons for your advice, I really appreciate it... I did really bad this time around, and I lost a great girl. It's a HUGE learning experience for me and I hope to fix all of my issues so that the next girl won't have to suffer at my hands...

[rainmayker]

What was the "time out"? Do you mean you didn't want to talk to her for a week?

 

I asked for a "time out" so that I could focus on work (big, stressful, time-consuming project). I DID NOT want to break up!

 

I later learned from some dating articles that women perceive this as a "breakup", though, so I basically shot myself in the foot. I hope you guys don't make the same mistakes I did...

[SimonSerenade]

Don't blame yourself man, you made yourself clear in the end and that's what matters, women do understand that so don't think there not wise to it but a woman can twist and turn anything to there advantage and they do it a lot, seriously stop beating yourself up, I went through a breakup with the mother of my child before my recent breakup, she was a stone cold hearted bitch who would take everything the wrong way on purpose to be the victim, I thought I'd never get over her and find someone again but I did And yeah it didn't work out but I had a good year and a half with her and I'll always hold that dear to my heart, she was a special lady and I truly believed she was going to be the one who made everything I went through before her worth while because it led me to her, it sucks that its over but a special lady like that deserves to be happy even if I'm not the one who can provide that happiness, that's what love is, if you love this girl accept what she wants and she will respect you for it and probably even admire you for it but you got to mean it, heck I may even lead lead her back to you.

[rainmayker]

Don't blame yourself man, you made yourself clear in the end and that's what matters, women do understand that so don't think there not wise to it but a woman can twist and turn anything to there advantage and they do it a lot, seriously stop beating yourself up, I went through a breakup with the mother of my child before my recent breakup, she was a stone cold hearted bitch who would take everything the wrong way on purpose to be the victim, I thought I'd never get over her and find someone again but I did And yeah it didn't work out but I had a good year and a half with her and I'll always hold that dear to my heart, she was a special lady and I truly believed she was going to be the one who made everything I went through before her worth while because it led me to her, it sucks that its over but a special lady like that deserves to be happy even if I'm not the one who can provide that happiness, that's what love is, if you love this girl accept what she wants and she will respect you for it and probably even admire you for it but you got to mean it, heck I may even lead lead her back to you.

 

Thank you, even though I don't want her back.

 

I just don't want her in my life right now. I am sure that she plans on getting back with me later, but I don't want it right now. I am not even sure how I'll feel about it in the future, either.

[rainmayker]

I feel like if I am just don't really care about the breakup or the relationship altogether that it would help me to stay focused and grounded. I never had any issues before this girl with breakups, but it really hurt as she was my first love. I'm on the road to recovery right now, and probably it will take less than a year this time around.

[ViciousCycle]

I feel like if I am just don't really care about the breakup or the relationship altogether that it would help me to stay focused and grounded. I never had any issues before this girl with breakups, but it really hurt as she was my first love. I'm on the road to recovery right now, and probably it will take less than a year this time around.

 

Don't put a timetable on your recovery. You're overreacting. The wounds are fresh and it makes your situation seem worse than it is. It is gonna take time, but ultimately your recovery will move along if you're willing to listen to sound advice and you're putting in the effort to better yourself.

 

It's not about her anymore. You have a great deal of maturing to do. Trust that NC is best for you and become a ghost. Ignorance is bliss.

[rainmayker]

Don't put a timetable on your recovery. You're overreacting. The wounds are fresh and it makes your situation seem worse than it is. It is gonna take time, but ultimately your recovery will move along if you're willing to listen to sound advice and you're putting in the effort to better yourself.

 

It's not about her anymore. You have a great deal of maturing to do. Trust that NC is best for you and become a ghost. Ignorance is bliss.

 

I think that NC is optimal right now for my situation, for sure. I couldn't keep going back-and-forth with her, especially since I felt like I had ZERO control over the situation and over myself. My way of closure is completely different from hers!

[rainmayker]

Don't blame yourself man, you made yourself clear in the end and that's what matters, women do understand that so don't think there not wise to it but a woman can twist and turn anything to there advantage and they do it a lot, seriously stop beating yourself up, I went through a breakup with the mother of my child before my recent breakup, she was a stone cold hearted bitch who would take everything the wrong way on purpose to be the victim, I thought I'd never get over her and find someone again but I did And yeah it didn't work out but I had a good year and a half with her and I'll always hold that dear to my heart, she was a special lady and I truly believed she was going to be the one who made everything I went through before her worth while because it led me to her, it sucks that its over but a special lady like that deserves to be happy even if I'm not the one who can provide that happiness, that's what love is, if you love this girl accept what she wants and she will respect you for it and probably even admire you for it but you got to mean it, heck I may even lead lead her back to you.

 

 

I didn't know how to behave or what to feel because it was my first time being in love! That's what sucks about it, because I felt like we were the perfect match... Oh well. It just goes to show that the guy needs more experience for a reason - she certainly wasn't going to stick around with me since I didn't know how to deal with the situation!

[Treasa]

You do sound controlling. She doesn't want to be with you. You definitely need to work on your issues.