What can I do?

[Perrier]

Hi guys, not sure which forum to post this in. I'm an early 40s female who's not dated or seen anyone for three years. Been attending singles nights and got talking to a guy 3 months ago who is divorced, same age as me, has 2 girls 8 and 6 who he sees every weekend. Later he walked me to the station, said he wanted to see me again and left it at that. A month later I sms him to ask if he'd been to any more events and he said no as he's started seeing someone. He wished me well so I took that as he's moved on and deleted his number.

 

Fast forward to this week I see him alone at another singles event - he came up to me chatted, and we danced and talked for two hours. Turns out he dumped the woman he was seeing for a month cos she got 'too clingy'. He still has my number and showed it to me on his phone. I told him I'd deleted his number cos he said he was seeing someone. Turns out we are also on the same dating site. Lo and behold it got very late and my friend who I was at the event with left. Later again he accompanied me and held my hand for a mile walk to look for an outlet where I could top up my travelcard. They were all closed so I had to pay double fare home. He sat on the bus for the hour journey holding my hand. He accompanied me because it was a nightbus and I didn't like the look of the people on it. At that stage we weren't sure if he would pay a cab for him to go home or he would sleep on my sofa or I would drive him home then return to my place.

 

We got off the bus and I collected my car from the station, I felt guilty for him to pay an expensive taxi to the other side of town. So he insisted he will sleep on my sofa. He was very respectful and warm, we talked a lot and kissed and cuddled the whole night. I left him, went to my room, then came back later. We kissed some more, hands did wander occasionally but we were fully clothed and I moved his hands away from my 'curves'. He did say we are both adults and I replied 'yes but we don't know each other well yet so things have to be restricted. We fell asleep about 5am snuggled together on my sofa like two kittens. Next morning same thing again - more kissing and cuddling/ stroking. It was intoxicating.

 

Then I went to make him tea and get a cake and when I returned he shut off his mobile and said he was checking his emails. Later after I dropped him at the station, I returned and logged onto the dating site to see what his profile looked like. Turns out, according to the site that he logged on that same morning at about the time I was making him tea.

 

I was not impressed that he couldn't even wait to leave my place before doing that. Two days later he deleted his profile from the dating site. I don't understand as he was getting many dates (so he says). Also I now have no way of contacting him and if I will see him at the singles event again I don't know. I can't stop replaying lying there with him cuddling. He was very tender. He is a professional, well turned out guy whom I would have liked to get to know.

 

Any advice please?

[Mrlonelyone]

While I see where you are coming from try to see his point of view.

 

You knew this man for a couple of months in a non-dating capacity.

 

Every male who deals with women has had the experience of being with a woman who just wanted him as a cuddle buddy, friend, or the crude term "emotional tampon". Meanwhile a smoother or more attractive guy gets to play on the waterslide right away, understand?

 

 

He has a well earned fear, by the age of 40 or so, that you will use him that way. He does not want to be that guy, so, he logs onto the dating website to look for someone who, in his mind, won't waste his time.

 

He has two children and is divorced. He's not looking to take it slow. He's looking to date intensely and figure out quickly if there is anything more to it. Then he's looking to move to the next level or move on.

 

 

My crude advice to you is this. Be true to yourself and wait, but expect to lose out on many men.

 

Once you get tired of that, you may want to consider some more exploratory sex. Perhaps not actual intercourse. Let his hands wander over your curves. Let your hands wander over his contours. Perhaps some non-intercourse sexual activity. That will satisfy many men for quite a while. He needs to know you like him that way or else he will move on. Men with his experience know that there are other fish in the sea who will not fight them so hard for it. Indeed many more experienced men just don't bother with women who put up a big fight, especially older experienced women.

[Maleficent]

Run. He'll probably just do to you what he's done to her.

[BluEyeL]

Yes, he just wanted to sleep with you, unfortunately.

[bob the brave]

Being a professional well turned out guy has nothing to do with it. It is not what a person is, but what they do that defines their character.

 

Let's look at what we know:

 

1) He was successful using a certain website, then deleted it.

 

2) He had many dates.

 

3) Dumped a girl because she was too clingy.

 

4) Tried several times to have sex with you.

 

5) Accessed a dating website at a really odd time.

 

From this, seems like he is trolling for sex only. I think the tell-all is accessing the webstie at the end of your date. Looks like he was unsatisfied things didn't go as planned and so he immediately started lining up another.

[Cutiepie1976]

Being a professional well turned out guy has nothing to do with it. It is not what a person is, but what they do that defines their character.

 

Let's look at what we know:

 

1) He was successful using a certain website, then deleted it.

 

2) He had many dates.

 

3) Dumped a girl because she was too clingy.

 

4) Tried several times to have sex with you.

 

5) Accessed a dating website at a really odd time.

 

From this, seems like he is trolling for sex only. I think the tell-all is accessing the webstie at the end of your date. Looks like he was unsatisfied things didn't go as planned and so he immediately started lining up another.

 

I suspect he blocked you on the site so that you would think he's no longer active should he come sniffing around you again. I highly doubt, given his MO, that he's deleted that profile. Other than that, I think this post is spot on!

 

He was hoping for a quick pump and dump, not a relationship.

 

The guy put you on the back burner while he pursued a "better" prospect. That was your cue that he doesn't value you, and you should have moved on and ignored any of his subsequent advances. But you didn't.

 

Instead, you were eager and so happy that Mr. Professional gave you a little attention when he resurfaced, that his holding your hand was sufficient to take him home for the night. Forget that he had dropped you like a hot potato for little Ms. Hottie then dropped her just as quickly because she developed expectations after dropping her panties. Holding your hand for an hour and cuddling was a total fail for him. He got "nothing" for his efforts. So while you were blissfully making him tea, Mr. Professional Horndog went online and started trawling for easier prospects for his next booty call. He noticed later on that you checked up on his profile and likely blocked you.

 

What should you do? Well, obviously move along...unless of course you would really like a quick bang from someone who will immediately disappear into the woodwork, possibly after giving you the gift that keeps on giving. The guy is a slimy player looking for NSA sex. To his thinking, you are one of many prospective receptacles, and one who is clearly fine being second, tenth, or whatever choice. I am sure you have a lot more to offer than that.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I suspect he blocked you on the site so that you would think he's no longer active should he come sniffing around you again. I highly doubt, given his MO, that he's deleted that profile. Other than that, I think this post is spot on!

 

He was hoping for a quick pump and dump, not a relationship.

 

The guy put you on the back burner while he pursued a "better" prospect. That was your cue that he doesn't value you, and you should have moved on and ignored any of his subsequent advances. But you didn't.

 

Instead, you were eager and so happy that Mr. Professional gave you a little attention when he resurfaced, that his holding your hand was sufficient to take him home for the night. Forget that he had dropped you like a hot potato for little Ms. Hottie then dropped her just as quickly because she developed expectations after dropping her panties. Holding your hand for an hour and cuddling was a total fail for him. He got "nothing" for his efforts. So while you were blissfully making him tea, Mr. Professional Horndog went online and started trawling for easier prospects for his next booty call. He noticed later on that you checked up on his profile and likely blocked you.

 

What should you do? Well, obviously move along...unless of course you would really like a quick bang from someone who will immediately disappear into the woodwork, possibly after giving you the gift that keeps on giving. The guy is a slimy player looking for NSA sex. To his thinking, you are one of many prospective receptacles, and one who is clearly fine being second, tenth, or whatever choice. I am sure you have a lot more to offer than that.

 

Lol.

 

Do I sense a tinge of female bitterness in this post?

 

There's nice guys to be had at every age. It's just that you gals aren't 'attracted' to them.

 

Meh.

 

Take your pick. Live with your choices.

[Perrier]

@JuneJulySeptember.

Are you detecting bitterness in my post or CutiePie's reply? Please clarify.

 

 

@ CutiePie,

 

There's a lot of truth in your post. He's likely no good, and yes I was happy to see him again. I may have dodged a bullet here.

He wouldn't have known I looked at his profile because I didn't actually. I clicked the two profiles either side of him and saw a four minute difference in when these two logged on. His was in the middle. That's how I know the time he went on as all profiles have last time logged on there. All I saw on his profile is his picture and summary which anyone can see as a 'showreel'.

 

@Mr Lonelyone - appreciate your detailed reply. Yes I'm trying to see his point too. I made it clear I liked him a lot but hands in 'those' areas made me uncomfortable because I felt it was too early for that. I replied if we got to know each other better things might progress that way.

 

"My crude advice to you is this. Be true to yourself and wait, but expect to lose out on many men."

 

Thank you - this has opened my eyes. I think my problem is being too old fashioned, which doesn't seem to work today.

 

 

@Crazy_Canuck thanks for your to the point reply.

 

 

Thanks to everyone who has replied :-)

Edited May 12, 2013 by Perrier

[todreaminblue]

Dont do anything you are not ready for with any man...if you want to get to know a man a bit better than the first night on your sofa....then do so ....

 

 

this cuddle buddy emotional tampon thing, friend zone dont wanna be's....pffft.......

 

another way for guys to get you to spread your legs and make you feel pressured into doing something you are not ready for......wait for the blue balls story...that one is worth a giggle.....

 

 

the guys you lose out on....ARE NO LOSS AT ALL........the guys that wait...they are the ones that make the wait worthwhile.....there should ae a natural progression where it is mutual and both are ready not just one....i am a 43 year old woman ready to date too...that doesnt mean i will give it up to any player.......or dick who thinks he can charm me....time wasters are the ones who think they can get some knock boots action in the first week.......NOT YOU...you did the right thing

 

 

your guy you met sounds like a player...sensitive caring tender........surrounded by g mails.....not all players come across as dickheads...protect what is yours...and you did..you didnt get played...hold your smile wide......and find the guy who is right for you...hugs....deb

[BluEyeL]

Yes, I agree with dreaminblue, the guys you will lose would have likely left anyway. Or I guess you could sleep with LOTS of men at the first or second date, and eventually one maybe will stick around. If you are ready for that, do it. I wouldn't be able to.

 

Maybe cutiepie missed a couple of the details, but she is actually spot on with the general idea. I also think he just blocked you, not deleted his profile.

 

Just do yourself a favor and move on. Go only for men who show consistent interest and treat you right. You have nothing to lose if you don't give in to attentions of others.

[Perrier]

@todreaminblue - thanks Deb, hugs back.

 

Yes it was his attention to his kids that made me see him as caring and sensitive. Some dads choose not to bother once divorced. Also the first time we spoke was at the end of the event and I was very impressed he was lucid and not drunk unlike many of the other guys who were a 'turnoff' and I kept away from.

 

Yes I wanted to do further 'things' with him as he said to me too - but I thought of the future and dignity - if we meet again, and how I would feel about myself anyway. I'm not saying this is the way ppl should be, but it's my gut behaviour.

 

Not dating or seeing anyone for years hasn't helped me keep abreast of today's dating culture either. And I still believe in old fashioned behaviours and expectations.

 

Think I need to start attending more social events rather than concentrating on work.

[BluEyeL]

I also fell for a man who is raising two kids alone, full time, and part of it was also the fact that he is such a good father. But that doesn't actually make him want the same things I want. In fact, maybe quite the opposite. He feels that he doesn't want a woman to interfere and is just trolling for sex online. Doesn't make him a bad person, just wants different things out of dating, i..e not a serious relationship, maybe a friends with benefits. So being a good father doesn't make a man want to offer a woman more than sex.

[Perrier]

@ BlueEyeL - thanks I see what you mean - he just blocked me anyway.

 

However on that site you can't block ppl unless they msg you, and we've never communicated online as we just found out we are on the same site. But I guess there's other ways one can be blocked.

 

Yes I think CutiePie is spot on as you say.

 

Thanks guys :-)

[BluEyeL]

Maybe he didn't block you, that's not the point anyway, if he liked you he would get in touch with you. I hope you are not too disappointed. Things will get better and you'll get better at dating as you gain more experience.

[BluEyeL]

Also, sometimes it's not that they don't "like" you. It's just that they have different goals, so don't take it personal. They might like you, but if they are just "sports fishing", they won't change their mind easily.

[Perrier]

@Blue EyeL - just read your last post. Well I wouldn't interfere with his kids anyway, but discussion never got that far. This guy isn't raising his kids, they're with his ex wife - he takes them one day a week.

 

Sorry to hear of your situation. You sound practical and that you discussed things with your prospect. I take it you've since moved on?

[BluEyeL]

@Blue EyeL - just read your last post. Well I wouldn't interfere with his kids anyway, but discussion never got that far. This guy isn't raising his kids, they're with his ex wife - he takes them one day a week.

 

Sorry to hear of your situation. You sound practical and that you discussed things with your prospect. I take it you've since moved on?

 

I wasn't saying that your guy's situation is the same, I was just saying that being a good dad doesn't make one want a serious relationship necessarily. And that doesn't make them a bad person, just a person with different goals than yours. Yes, I moved on, but it was very hard, I was down for a couple of months. Maybe never truly moved on, to this day I have thoughts that I should have done this or that differently, although I know that logically there is nothing I could have done, he just didn't want a relationship. And he's still online every day. And guess what? I randomly meet him every other week or so (small town). How would I have felt if I slept with him and he left me?

[Perrier]

Thanks I'm not taking anything personally :-). Yep he probably has different goals. I aint gonna be anyone's sports fish thanks bcos I think that would be too empty. Just I think blocking me / disappearing suddenly was harsh. If I'm not interested I always politely let a guy know. But ppl are different :-)

 

I can detect sadness and 'stucknes's in your last post :-(. I don't know what it is with us women - men seem to compartmentalise more easily.

 

Can you change sites? Or remove him from your listings? Knowing what he's up to won't help you.

[BluEyeL]

I am still a bit stuck, I think, yes. After two months and many more dates.

[Perrier]

Yes I am disappointed as it takes a lot for me to be interested in a guy - think I need to meet other people in non work / business situations.

 

Yes I can feel your stuckness, but after many more dates? Can you take different routes round town, block this guy online?

[Perrier]

Or is it that you don't want to block him just in case? :-)

[Cutiepie1976]

Sorry my tone was harsher than I realized. OP I apologize I wasn't a little more diplomatic in delivery. I was tired and falling asleep.

 

There is a lot of truth in todream's post as well, particularly, the part I put in bold below.

 

If he's interested in more than a quick roll, he'll generally wait. If all he wanted was quick fun, he'll often disappear afterwards. Your "old-fashioned" approach is likely working in your favor. Realize that people are out there dating for vastly different reasons. Your goal is to find someone who wants the same things you do, who has the qualities that you need in a relationship partner. That he wants the same things is just as important as having the right qualities. Your mistake is that you seem to focus solely on his qualities, and it can get you in "trouble" and almost did here.

 

Don't view losing someone as a failure. It's a success really. Either you wanted different things or you didn't have what he was looking for. Different people want different things. The goal is not to waste extended time on situations that will be dead ends.

 

This guy gave lots of signals that he was just after a fling. That's a good thing. Be grateful for that. Don't get blinded by the fact that he has all these qualities that you really like and want in a partner. That's largely irrelevant because what he wants is ultimately very different. You'll never get to your "destination" with him. Instead, your self esteem will take a hit because you'll assume you are somehow deficient since he refused to take the longer journey with you after physical play, or you'll assume you did something wrong. Recognize that he's in a different place in his life. You could be a single, unattached Gisele Bundchen, and this guy basically told you he still wouldn't want anything serious with you. It isn't about you. It's about him sometimes. Learn to listen to what he is telling you. Learn to let go without regret or second guessing as soon as you sense you have incompatible goals. It will save you a lot of grief along the way.

 

It will be frustrating at times, but there are great guys out there who will be right for you. You just need to search patiently. You're doing all the right things by putting yourself out there and getting excited. Chin up. Keep the faith. Try again.

 

Dont do anything you are not ready for with any man...if you want to get to know a man a bit better than the first night on your sofa....then do so ....

 

 

this cuddle buddy emotional tampon thing, friend zone dont wanna be's....pffft.......

 

another way for guys to get you to spread your legs and make you feel pressured into doing something you are not ready for......wait for the blue balls story...that one is worth a giggle.....

 

 

the guys you lose out on....ARE NO LOSS AT ALL........the guys that wait...they are the ones that make the wait worthwhile.....there should ae a natural progression where it is mutual and both are ready not just one....i am a 43 year old woman ready to date too...that doesnt mean i will give it up to any player.......or dick who thinks he can charm me....time wasters are the ones who think they can get some knock boots action in the first week.......NOT YOU...you did the right thing

 

 

your guy you met sounds like a player...sensitive caring tender........surrounded by g mails.....not all players come across as dickheads...protect what is yours...and you did..you didnt get played...hold your smile wide......and find the guy who is right for you...hugs....deb

[BluEyeL]

Eh, time will solve it completely. It's not as bad anymore. I know, it takes a lot to like a guy, so it's hard not to be disappointed. You'll completely move on faster than me.

[Perrier]

Hi CutiePie, thanks for your last post - much truth there. I think I need more dating experience too.

 

How did you mean that my focusing solely on his qualities... almost got me in "trouble" here...that i could have gone with him and he left anyway? Or something else

 

What are you apologising for? I didn't find anything in your original post harsh.

 

@BlueEyeL - thanks

Edited May 12, 2013 by Perrier

[Cutiepie1976]

Thanks I'm not taking anything personally :-). Yep he probably has different goals. I aint gonna be anyone's sports fish thanks bcos I think that would be too empty. Just I think blocking me / disappearing suddenly was harsh. If I'm not interested I always politely let a guy know. But ppl are different :-)

 

I can detect sadness and 'stucknes's in your last post :-(. I don't know what it is with us women - men seem to compartmentalise more easily.

 

Can you change sites? Or remove him from your listings? Knowing what he's up to won't help you.

 

It seems harsh, but he's actually doing you a huge favor. Trust me. If he hadn't blocked you, in a week you would be wondering if he was just shy/cautious/inexperienced/etc...if you had accidentally misinterpreted his behavior. Possibly you would be hoping for another chance. Right now you're probably angry and a little hurt by his behavior. That helps you accept that he is a dead end in your life and close the door emotionally. Clear signs and outright rejection are a blessing in this process, even though it hurts in the moment.

 

Intellectually we may want to move on, but our emotions can hold us back from looking for someone more compatible. He's helping you here (even though he blocked you for his own selfish reasons).

 

See the other large positive in this: he never strung you along. That is cruel, but some men (and women) do that.