I still love you but I don't want to be your girlfriend anymore.

[Jay Bee]

Hi folks. I'm at my wit's end and I have few people I can talk to about this.

 

I've been dating a co-worker for a little over 6 months. We were instantly drawn to each other and she pursued me at first. Started having sex but not talking about what the status of our relationship was. Anyways, after I told her I loved her she admitted that she loved me too, fell for me really fast, and she wanted to live with me, that although she didn't want a relationship at first she knew she wanted me. Eventually she was happy to call me her boyfriend and refer to us as a couple.

 

Fast forward to us living together, the pressures of work, school, and a new apartment took their toll and we began fighting. In the course of those fights I drunkenly slipped up and texted an old friend that I would like to hook up with her. I tried to ignore it and brushed it off as a horny drunk mistake, i have no intention of being with the other girl but she was sexy and telling me things over the phone that she wanted to do to me. My gf went through my phone months later and found those texts. We fought for a couple weeks and eventually made up for three days.

 

One night while cramming for finals she decided to go through my Facebook and she saw me telling some female friends about our problems. I only did this because they asked me what was wrong because I was visibly depressed

and I wanted advice and a woman's perspective (that's the only reason I was in contact with the other girl, we always talked and tried to help each other out with our problems way back in the day, like 15 years ago so this was like old times at first). My gf can be so hard to speak to sometimes it's like she puts up a wall and lets nobody in, not even family or friends.

 

Anyways, she's pretty much done with me now but she still wants to live together and be "best friends". She's like me, very jealous and insecure, and she never believed me when I told her how much I wanted her or anything before the cheating incident. I in turn never imagined she could be into me at all. She always told me she wasn't good enough for me but in a semi-joking fashion. Now after this crisis she hit me with the old "i love you but i cant be with you." She's pretty conservative in her relationships, not slutty and has high moral standards so my text cheating is a really big problem for her. When we talked out the situation over drinks I kept explaining that if I had really wanted this other girl I could go out and be with her right now but i didn't and i barely even talk to her anyways. My gf just kept saying "it's too late".

 

All of our physical affection has been pretty much gone lately, no kisses and reluctant hugs and no more "love you". She still sleeps in my bed in just her underwear, still changes in front of me but is more modest now, and still wants to cuddle in bed. Anyways, the other night she was excited to buy a bottle of rum and texted that she couldnt wait to come home and hang out with me. One thing led to another and we had sex all night long, best we've ever had. She initiated the whole thing, and she was talking dirty and stuff like she never had before and she was insatiable, which is usually not the case. Afterwards she told me I owed her some head later and she went to sleep. Next morning, no hug. She ignored my "i love you" and deflects my kisses. Came out of the shower and curtly wanted me to get her off (she said "if you still want to, i can see why you wouldn't") because we had a deal but nothing for me in return. Asks me "are you mad?" and I really wasn't so I laughed it off. But what gets me is that after all of our passion the last night she seems either regretful or sad. Gives me these puppy dog eyes but won't let me touch her.

 

Last night she went out to party with her girlfriend molly, I watched her change into an outfit that she never wears for me and she told me she'd be gone all weekend. But she came home early this morning and cuddled up with me as soon as she laid down, stripped down to her underwear and held me close, giving me little kisses and not stopping me from doing the same. We carried on like that all day long until she had to go to visit her parents, something we usually do together but I was supposed to go to band practice and her to a metal show. She invited me to both but my band flaked out and I sit here on the computer in an empty apartment. She told me the previous night clubbing was fun but it would have been better if I was there, told me she didn't let any guys dance with her. Still no more "i love you" or kisses on the mouth but she gets real close, throws one leg over me and kisses my face then gives me a "don't you dare" look when I try to kiss her on the mouth. We watched a movie as she drifted in and out of sleep, she said it was confusing. I suggested we turn it off and take a nap instead, and she said "naps are confusing too." Then before she left, she said "thank you for snuggling with me. do you hate me?"

 

I just don't get it, I've never felt so strongly for anyone as I have for her, most girlfriends wind up getting on my nerves and I don't live with them, with her we live together and I can't get enough of her. If she's truly finished with our relationship then why does she keep pushing weird little boundaries and such? She says she's confused, well I sure as hell am too. I don't know what to do, I've been doing my best to carry on and play it cool, she's never seen me cry over this (well one time by accident) but I do everyday. I've had no emotional outbursts or big dramatic scenes (except a few times we both did while drinking) but otherwise I don't bug her, don't talk about us, and don't push any issues I just keep it all to myself and a few close friends. Apartment life is strictly business with regard to chores and such but she always offers to cook for me or do my laundry. Got drunk on her day off earlier this week and kept calling me baby and grabbing my butt and playing around with me, and we discussed redecorating and future moves. But when she's sober that kind of talk just doesn't fly anymore.

 

Well if you made it this far, thank you for bearing with me. I feel devastated inside like a piece of me is being ripped out slowly and I have a real hard time functioning because this eats away at me. I brought this on myself and I wish I could take it back. I would never risk a good relationship over cheap thrills, but I kind of just did and am paying the price. Any advice? What do I do?