3 weeks since BU - Crawling out of my skin..

[templeofmax]

Please bear with me here. Almost 3 years ago I met this girl through a friend of mine (she is 28 and I am 33). She is a pretty girl with a big heart and very humble. Both of us have the same values, grew up in the same hometown and we are both very close to our families. Both of us are Jewish and knowing how hard is to find compatible Jewish people, I thought, this is it, I found the one. So we fell in love, but she had a problem, which is that she is highly insecure. Her parents divorced when she was 14 or so and to boot she had a boyfriend for 5 months which was just an *******, telling her that her cousins are hot and sending a very nasty e-mail to her and her uncle and myself when she broke up with him. All those things affected and she started to become really jealous out of nothing, even though she knew I am a very honest and loyal man and would never cheat on her. Fights started to happen when she accused me of ridiculous jealous stuff, but I decided to become engaged with her after only one year! I was full-on romantic with her, writing her songs (I compose music), going to Venice for the engagement, etc. However, another problem resurfaced, which is the fact that I am close to my sister and she always resented that. Its not like I strung my sister along to our dates or anything, but I felt at a disadvantage cause this girl has her father, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc and wanted me to take part on her activities with them, but she always felt out of place when it came to do any activity with my sister (my parents leave in another city). So we had a huge fight about a year and a half ago and we broke up for two months. She ignored most of my requests and only after I set a date to meet (January 1st) was that we met and we talked and I told her I would have her more as a priority cause maybe sometimes I should have been more attentive to her.

 

However, soon after, ridiculous fights about my sister started happening again like her asking me who is on the phone or like me feeling like walking on egg shells if I mentioned anything about my sister (they both also had a fallout after our fight). I also have a problem, which is I became angry and sometimes disrespected her cause I felt disrespected and we got into huuuge fights our of nothing really. Fights about things she would ASSUME and accuse me of. Thing is, when she gets mad she just keeps it inside, hangs up the phone and ignores calls or messages and I am the other way round, pushing and pushing to talk and solve the issue, but what that did was make the issue bigger. We are both anxious in our own sense. I was always chasing to fix things. So my sister called her and they talked and they were friends again, but the issue was always hanging there and we could never start from zero, because accusations about the past came flying and I chased her around, literally, for us to talk and she retrieved. It was a fight every two weeks, stupid fights. We even went to therapy but weren´t constant with it. This girl knew the jealousy with other girls was her deal to work on and she had made some strides with it, but she always though the issue with my sister had nothing to do with her insecurity and lack of self esteem, but I knew it had to do with it somewhat.

 

So the last straw came 3 weeks ago when I was texting my sister since she was supposed to pick up some documents in my apartment and this girl just stormed out of the car and got into hers, so I chased her around to her apartment, even got a little scratch on my car in the process, and nothing got solved. So out of impulsivity, this stupid impulsivity of mine I sent a text to her family telling them that we were parting ways and taking a break cause weren´t respecting each other. Of course this girl hated that I involve her family, for obvious reasons, and she always did defend me with her family. So this time I sent that text out of stupidity and that was it. She called, said to stay away from her and her family or she would call the police, that her family did not want to see me with her. Even one of her cousins sent a nasty text message to everybody telling me that she would make anything possible for her cousin to not come back to me and calling me ´psycho´and calling my sister ´miserable´when she had nothing to do with anything, so I don´t know what had been said behind my back about my sister. The next day my grandpa passed away, so I had to come back home, but my sister couldn´t travel. So this girl answered when I called and said her condolences, but said I wasn´t part of her life anymore and hanged up. My sister wrote to her that she did not want to lose the friendship, and she never replied back and never offered some company in this hard time. That did hurt me since I was always at the praying of her grandpas death anniversary. Anyhow, a week passed by and I sent her email to which she replied, a little more calm that ´I am not angry when I say this is the end of the relationship and you have to respect it´. So I went into panic mode, tell her to then delete me from FB, and she blocked me. However, my mom and sister still have her on FB and I see she still has our pictures, although she is not too active on the site.

 

So I decided to do what I have never done in the relationship and is go into no contact and stop pushing, thinking that after a few weeks, while I am not in town, shell begin to miss me and it will be easier to talk. I miss her too much and even though we got into so many stupid fights and always said its over, we always made up. This time however, her family is mad at me and probably telling her I am not worth it and my family is pretty mad at her too, especially my sister since the friendship with this girl was probably false. Also, it does not make sense that a 3 year relationships ends with a two-line e-mail. I still have some stuff from her and her from me. Family and friends keeps telling me that the relationship was toxic because of her insecurities and well, the way I disrespected her sometimes. But I always wonder if there is a chance to start from zero as I am working really hard on my own anger issues, so maybe I can be more patient for her. I do love her and I know she loves me, but we lost respect for one another. It also does not make sense that she was very afraid I would run with another woman and she decided to just end things like that! Its a contradiction. Since she is used to keep everything inside, I am afraid to have hope of talking to her and she will never reply to my texts or anything. I know she must miss me, unless she is a robot and I do miss her, especially since where I live now I mostly hanged around with her and sometimes my sister and a friend I have from school and that is it. Do you think this is the end? I always wonder if we can start working on our issues and then little by little start building the relationship just both of us, if I show her I can respect her and stop pushing her. I know what she valued most in me was my loyalty and honesty and the way I was, except when I got into pushy angry mode, which she just grew tired of. I do want to change and be there for her and try to be more patient, but how would I show her if she does not give me the chance? Is unbearable to think that my songs to her will never be played again or that we fought so much for nothing. At some point she must realize this when the anger subsides, right? I know sometimes I was a jerk, but I am not like that and its just this anxiety I carry around that I started to work on. I know her insecurities are also doom for the relationship, but maybe starting little by little we can communicate better. For now I am in no contact and its been a week and a half but I dream about her and feel like crawling out of my skin. Since I finished classes and I am not working right now while I am in my hometown I also have more time to think and think and obsess and its driving me nuts to think what will happen when I come back. I mean, at one point she may start to wonder what happened to me since I am usually so pushy and needy (insecure in my own sense I guess).

 

What I have been thinking is to send a hand written letter to the member of the family, telling them that I truly apologize for having involved them in our issues and that that is working I am truly working on and that I never meant to hurt them or her. I do appreciate everything they have done for me and sometimes even miss them too, the gathering, dinners, etc. Also, when the time is right, send a text to her, telling her that I am changing for the better and that hopefully we can talk sometime. I still keep hope since our pics are still on her FB wall and she still has my sister and my mom as friends. I mean, she values my loyalty and hopefully if she sees change in me she will be able to give this one more chance. Sometimes, however I think about how she couldn´t get to even offer some company for my sister, while she was alone in mourning and I wonder, why would I want to be with someone that may be false. However, I know her and I know there must be a reason for that. But I can´t keep wondering all day long things that I am not sure about.

Edited May 11, 2013 by templeofmax

[aisuru]

Let it go man. It sounds like, as an outsider, this relationship has ran it's course.

 

DO NOT contact her family.

 

Accept that there is absolutely nothing you can do to change her mind right now. Any type of contact or communication will push her further away.

 

Move on. Learn from the relationship. You'll find another one. I promise.

[templeofmax]

Hi,

 

But why do you think that? How much further away can she get? So all that jealousy was just her mind playing tricks?

[justletgo07]

Hi,

 

But why do you think that? How much further away can she get? So all that jealousy was just her mind playing tricks?

 

It sounds like your relationship was really unhealthy, on both sides. I think you need to step away, not only for her, but for you. It appears that you both have some insecurity and communication issues that would make being in any relationship really difficult, much less one with each other.

 

I'd say that there is most likely nothing you can do at this point, and that this situation is likely not salvageable. I know it hurts to hear, and I know you made a mistake with the best of intentions, but it was still a mistake involving her family, and I think you will have to just accept the consequences of that choice.

 

Don't contact her or her family. Doing so will only cause you more problems, possibly even legal problems if they claim you are harassing them.

 

Just walk away from this relationship and learn from it.

[templeofmax]

But its soo hard knowing that we love each other!