pinkdarling Posted September 26, 2004 Posted September 26, 2004 I have a boyfriend whom i care about dearly and I really enjoy our sex life... but there's one problem - I was raped a year ago ( and I am in therapy dealing with it and all) but it makes it so I don't orgasm and it's starting to really bother my boyfriend. I try explaining that it's not him and that I love being with him and the sex is great but I feel that the primal love and pleasure of sex has been stripped from me and I am working hard on making that orgasmic again. Yet he still feels that it's somehow a reflection on him and his abilities. So how do I make him see that it's OK that I don't orgasm, that He is by no mean less of a man because of it? I understand that this is hard to deal with and no one tells you how your boyfriend should react to rape -- there are no handbooks and people seems to zero in on me but I need to know what it is like from his perspective and what I can do to make it better for him. Any advice on how to make sex a little less stressful for us both after rape?
Rez Posted September 26, 2004 Posted September 26, 2004 I dated someone a few years back that had also been a victim of abuse, and yes it did impact our sex life. Maybe he could come to a few of your therapy sessions? I did that and it helped. Maybe talk to your therapist about it. Just a suggestion.
SoleMate Posted September 27, 2004 Posted September 27, 2004 I agree that your bf should come with you and see your therapist. He needs to be educated on what you're going through, and how he can be most supportive. I wish men understood that women can enjoy sex tremendously even if they do not have orgasms every time - or even often. It's better with orgasms of course. The male pressure for the woman to have an orgasm - which often seems to be for HIS benefit - is a drag.
natoto Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 hrmm. I am a boyfriend of someone was was date-raped. Maybe I can offer you some advice? Well first of all I'd like to know how old you are, and how old your boyfriend is. Are you mostly over what has happened yet, or does it really still affect you? I know this sounds cliche but good communication is the best. When you are ready, talk to your b/f about it, and share whatever you're comfortable with him. My g/f really came out to me about everything that happened and I'm so glad that she did. We've really grown so close, and our sex is fantastic. I can tell you from my perspective (since I am so attatched to her) that it was really horrific for me to cope with certain things, but I've gotten over that. We're at the point now where it doesn't matter and we don't even think about it. Good, open communication is really important, but you also have to understand that having that horrible thing happen to you shouldn't prevent you from having good sex. Also understand that good sex comes with a lot of practice, and patience. You can deffinately orgasm. Be open with him, and let him know what feels good and what you want. Try different things, and make sure you're focusing on your love for him, and how badly you want him. The past will become ancienty history once you really become joined! Sorry this advice is so generic, but if you can give me some more specifics I can try to help a little better!
shamen Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 Hey Natato, This is a really old post... Unfortunately I don't think that the original poster is going to post. Sorry!
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