This is where I am...

[aisuru]

I sent a drunk text earlier this week. Actually two. The next day I spent in angst, until I realized the following which I typed out to myself. It really helped me get a grip on my anxiety, thoughts, and feelings. In that sense, the drunk text, and his ignoring me, did kind of help as a catalyst for this point in the healing journey.

 

I need to remember,

1) I was not completed interested in him at the beginning,

2) I had hesitations on my feelings about him and the progression of a relationship with him,

3) I voiced my hesitations indirectly in an incorrect manner. Then proceeded to go mildly silent over the next week, which leaves no doubt why he finally broke it off with me.

 

Regardless of his recent initiated conversations of our moving in together, getting married, and having a family. I gave him a reason to walk away. Based on my own feelings and hesitations. Because I didn't have the guts or courage to do it myself.

 

So I will just have to own this breakup. I miss him like crazy, though I believe it's the friendship I miss more. His companionship and the activities we did together. He was a good guy. We had a good relationship with minimal disagreement. Got along well. It's not about the romantic/sex part. Things I tried to hide and dodge throughout the course of the relationship with him.

 

I just need to be honest about my feelings at the start, during, and end of this relationship. My feelings were not where they needed to be. I'm not even sure his were. I wanted it to be him. I did. You can't force a relationship just because they check off most of your wants/needs.

 

I'm going to tell myself that he can't handle seeing me because he knows our feelings were on different levels and somebody had to end it. It's better and easier than believing he flipped the switch on his feelings.

 

I shouldn't have allowed the relationship to happen. I should have ended it much sooner. This is my fault.

 

He taught me about the man I would like in my life and the man I deserve. Through us, I learned some of the things I need to do more of in a relationship.

 

He was preventing me from taking care of myself and that is the relief I feel at no longer being together with him. I need to embrace that relief more than the emptiness/loneliness of no longer sharing my life with him, my best friend.

 

Every day there is something that I want to share with him. Every day I miss him. Every day I wonder if he is thinking of me.

 

I could've prevented this heartbreak. A very long time ago.

Edited May 11, 2013 by aisuru

[DontBreakEven]

I am a little confused as to why you'd be so upset if he "flipped the switch on his feelings"? Is this an ego thing for you? You were the one who admits that he was always more into it than you were, and even to this day you just miss the friendship more .. your feelings weren't what they should have been for a romantic relationship, so you say.

 

So if you care for him at all, shouldn't you be happy that he gets over you? Or do you just like knowing that someone is in love with you, regardless of if you reciprocate those feelings or not? Perhaps you should reevaluate and ask yourself if you are simply being a little selfish?

 

Not trying to be harsh .. but I'm just a little confused by you. Perhaps you are as well ..

[maturityassets]

You sound like my ex. What you were in love with was the intimacy you had with him. The heart to heart talks you guys had together. His understanding and his ability to open you up to him. My ex said the same at the end, she wished more than anything it could have been me to share her future with. She use to talk about a future together and how it was so nice to have a guy like me. I wanted to be there for her every step of the way. I convinced her to go back to school and she has to go through surgery eventually later in life. She wishes to face those things alone. And she said the same things, that she learned so much about herself through our relationship. But you have to understand he is hurt. He is a guy and the three things we yearn for are 1) sex 2) help when needed and 3) companionship. You took away all three, you left a gap in his desires. It's impossible to undue those heart breaks. He probably did love you, the same way I loved my ex. I'm trying to move on quick as well, and I've been avoiding contact and dating. And while you're missing him as a friend, he is missing you as a lover! He needs to find somebody as a lover again before he can ever feel comfortable talking to you. And finding lovers are hard. He will be hesitant about his next relationship and he will eventually fall in love again with the girl who sticks around with him for a long time. Till then, you wait as a friend till he is ready.

[ChazzB]

I think the important part that hopefully you have learned by now is that you need more self control (if i can put it some way) and to acknowledge the fact that you can't give to someone else's happiness if you are not well and happy yourself.

 

sometimes it is easy just to let go with the moment, with the immediate emotions, and do things you really are not sure of... from what i have read, you felt "weird", out of place or time in many stages of your relationship, but yet you did nothing, said nothing, you just flowed. I think in this case you went with a lack of commitment, but maybe in other circumstances the same inaction could have lead to other consequences, like cheating, or reliving bad things from your past... in the end i think you both suffered because of that, and the fact that you probably wanted different things, and did not communicate when it mattered.

 

I hope what I will say right now does not bother you, it is not my intention. I find your behavior very interesting. Basically, what i read translated into "emotional mess". There are a lot of attitudes that I empathize with, and some of them I relate with lots of little things that my ex did to me. I would have been very, very grateful, if she would have been able to sit down with me and just lay it all out, every concern, every desire, every important thing. I believe there is time for everything, specially the things we love and are important to us, and I read you had lots of chances but just "didn't really find the time", you always had X or Y excuse for getting in touch and then sometimes you just ignored the whole thing out of feeling bad or something. That is just plain BS. I did some of that and I deeply regret it because those are the things that make a difference.

 

The silver lining? There is no one really guilty here. You shouldn't have jumped on something you were not ready for. He shouldn't have dragged you and hope you just went all in. Both should have worked on communicating...

 

You will get better, now just don't forget your lessons.

[aisuru]

I think the important part that hopefully you have learned by now is that you need more self control (if i can put it some way) and to acknowledge the fact that you can't give to someone else's happiness if you are not well and happy yourself.

 

sometimes it is easy just to let go with the moment, with the immediate emotions, and do things you really are not sure of... from what i have read, you felt "weird", out of place or time in many stages of your relationship, but yet you did nothing, said nothing, you just flowed. I think in this case you went with a lack of commitment, but maybe in other circumstances the same inaction could have lead to other consequences, like cheating, or reliving bad things from your past... in the end i think you both suffered because of that, and the fact that you probably wanted different things, and did not communicate when it mattered.

 

I hope what I will say right now does not bother you, it is not my intention. I find your behavior very interesting. Basically, what i read translated into "emotional mess". There are a lot of attitudes that I empathize with, and some of them I relate with lots of little things that my ex did to me. I would have been very, very grateful, if she would have been able to sit down with me and just lay it all out, every concern, every desire, every important thing. I believe there is time for everything, specially the things we love and are important to us, and I read you had lots of chances but just "didn't really find the time", you always had X or Y excuse for getting in touch and then sometimes you just ignored the whole thing out of feeling bad or something. That is just plain BS. I did some of that and I deeply regret it because those are the things that make a difference.

 

The silver lining? There is no one really guilty here. You shouldn't have jumped on something you were not ready for. He shouldn't have dragged you and hope you just went all in. Both should have worked on communicating...

 

You will get better, now just don't forget your lessons.

 

I agree with everything you've said. Not hurt or offended at all. The bolded part of your words sum up my feelings well.

 

I've had a long rough emotional year. Like it or not, being with him did help me. He kept me afloat, right or wrong. When I began to swim a bit on my own, it messed with the dynamics of our relationship.

 

So two months ago, broke up. Three weeks ago, found out my job is being eliminated by end of summer.

 

I feel relief and unburdened to finally focus on me and my life.

 

So I'm going back to school. I spent three years at University and never completed my degree. Now, with a generous severance package, I'll be able to do what I've said I would do for over ten years. I'm so beyond excited.

 

I'm still in therapy and addressing my self care and communication issues.

 

I'm on a good path and it feels good. I'm grateful for these two gigantic catalysts in my life. I feel like I've been offered a second chance to achieve greatness. I've learned a lot about myself and I hope to apply that going forward.

 

Even if I do miss him something awful sometimes... I know right now it's best for both of us.