Asked her family to dinner

[Mrlonelyone]

Let me have you're reads on the situation.

 

This is about M who I have written of here before. About a month ago on a trip to her hometown which was part of a trip with a group to a conference her family took all of us to dinner.

 

It is key to note, that while dinner was my idea, her family being present was her idea. That we should all go to dinner was something M and I planned for the trip jointly. M and her family executed it brilliantly.

 

I got to know them all on a first name basis. Including her parents. The whole thing reminds me of Shakepseares Othello. Especially this part.

 

Othello part 2 - YouTube

 

 

Well after telling my family the plain truth about this and upon hearing that her folks were in town we thought it propper to invite them to dinner. So far as we know social protocol demands at least such an invite.

 

I said to M that we would like to take them out to a buffet place we go to all the time. That it was just as a thankyou for how well her family treated me in her hometown.

 

Now when I asked I was uncomfortable asking. Not that I feared a no, I actually felt a bit uncomfortable about both families meeting, but it seemed protocol demands that we extend the offer. My parents sincerely want to meet her and them.

 

 

M's response.

 

Was initially to say that I made her uncomfortable and to please leave her alone...

 

I said, with a bit of a sarcastic edge, I'm sorry and got up to walk away.

 

She said, It's just that the whole thing is inappropriate, it's inappropriate.

 

Upon reflection I am thinking that she picked up on how uncomfortable I was, and more or less agree'd with me. That her "leave me alone" wasn't that I should piss off forever, but that this was just a bit much to deal with. (That and it's midterms.) Not to press for our parents to meet eachother (Which does not bother me to press for at all).

 

Does my read on the situation sound sane?

[Star Gazer]

Isn't this the woman who's in a relationship with someone else?

 

In such case, I agree with her: having your parents meet is really inappropriate.

[Mrlonelyone]

Isn't this the woman who's in a relationship with someone else?

 

In such case, I agree with her: having your parents meet is really inappropriate.

 

She's as much in a relationship with me as she is with him. It's not exclusive.

 

 

If all you're going to to is dump on people who multidate, I get it, you don't get it. They are different ways to approach the problem.

 

Remember she did put me in a position to meet her family.

 

 

Oh and I agree it's inappropriate too. It's also a situation where if we don't ask we look like bums.

[Mrlonelyone]

I hear what you are saying Rosas, the problem is you're advice is based on a bad premise.

 

 

That and if someone taking you to dinner does not invite you to ask to take them to dinner at some point then what the hell does?

 

There is even a name for what my family was thinking . http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reciprocity_(social_and_political_philosophy

Edited May 11, 2013 by Mrlonelyone

[Cutiepie1976]

She has a boyfriend. She told you that. It was inappropriate to suggest your families have dinner together when it's now clear to her that you view her romantically. Personally, I think that the fact you view her romantically is what makes her uncomfortable. No doubt you feel otherwise.

 

At any rate, I would listen to her when she asks you to leave her alone, rather than rationalizing what it "really" means as you have been doing. Respect what she verbalizes as her wishes. That's more relevant in determining where she really stands than your interpretations are.

Edited May 11, 2013 by Cutiepie1976

[Mrlonelyone]

Then why have we hung out sooo much?

 

You haven't read any of that which I also wrote?

 

 

Then why did she introduce me to and discuss me with her family?

 

REMEMBER SHE ALREADY INTRODUCED ME TO HER FAMILY.

 

This wasn't some out of the blue thing either. When I met her family. I asked her to meet mine and she said it would be a good idea.

 

What seems inappropriate, to both of us, is both our families meeting. I just had to extend the offer.

 

She has a boyfriend. She told you that. It was inappropriate to suggest your families have dinner together when it's now clear to her that you view her romantically. Personally, I think that the fact you view her romantically is what makes her uncomfortable. No doubt you feel otherwise.

 

At any rate, I would listen to her when she asks you to leave her alone, rather than rationalizing what it "really" means as you have been doing. Respect what she verbalizes as her wishes. That's more relevant in determining where she really stands than your interpretations are.

[sweetkiwi]

Well I know I introduce everyone to my family. It's hard not to. They are a part of me.

 

I can see why you'd read into it more than she does...but it's not doing you any good. It seems like you and/or she is trying to make a casual relationship serious.

 

Wish you the best Honey.

[MissBee]

I don't think this woman, based on your previous stories, is in a serious relationship with you and I don't think she is interested in your parents' meeting, as that may imply that things are serious.

 

I am gonna be honest and say: it seems like you are way more into her and your relationship than she is and then when you try to do things which show it, like parental meet ups , she gets annoyed with you and wants you to chill out.

 

From what you've said and my assessment of her from then is, she's not into commitment and you even said her dad said she'd freak out if she feels pressure and this is case in point about that. People who are commitment phobic often overreact about simple things, like a dinner, which may imply more "seriousness." I already told you that unless you don't care, you'll probably feel hurt/disappointed more and more because she will probably never be as enthusiastic as you are and you're gonna always walk on egg shells and always have to ask a forum about her behavior and how you're "reading stuff".

 

I know you're gonna say everything is all good and you don't mind and so on...and if so..well enjoy, but from what it seems, you're more invested and trying to act like you aren't and that it's whatever, but clearly her non-commitment and avoidance of even stuff like a dinner and her refusal to stop dating other men and letting you know where you stand isn't as wonderful for you as it is for her. It seems she gets everything, you on her terms and another guy and you get to be confused.

[Mrlonelyone]

Well I know I introduce everyone to my family. It's hard not to. They are a part of me.

 

I can see why you'd read into it more than she does...but it's not doing you any good. It seems like you and/or she is trying to make a casual relationship serious.

 

Wish you the best Honey.

 

Thanks. I feel the same way. If someone is at least a good friend then meeting my family is something I do. Given everything I would think we were at least good friends.

 

So, my reading her reaction as it being inappropriate for both our families to meet each other, is probably correct. I felt the same way, but delivered my parents invitation anyway.

 

Thanks kiwi.

[MissBee]

Well I know I introduce everyone to my family. It's hard not to. They are a part of me.

 

I can see why you'd read into it more than she does...but it's not doing you any good. It seems like you and/or she is trying to make a casual relationship serious.

 

Wish you the best Honey.

 

Ditto.

 

I think the OP is making it more serious while "M" doesn't care. Although she allowed him to meet her family, it doesn't seem like it was a big deal to her, and now when it's her turn, she wants to remind MrLonely that they aren't bf/gf and it's "inappropriate."

[Mrlonelyone]

Ditto.

 

I think the OP is making it more serious while "M" doesn't care. Although she allowed him to meet her family, it doesn't seem like it was a big deal to her, and now when it's her turn, she wants to remind MrLonely that they aren't bf/gf and it's "inappropriate."

 

Miss bee

 

I have never said we were in a serious relationship.

 

I have said we were in a casual non exclusive multi-dating kind of situation. I have said that many times.

 

 

I even made a point of telling M it was just my parents wanting to show their gratitude to hers and it wasn't anything more. (Could M have wanted it to be more?)

[sweetkiwi]

Thanks. I feel the same way. If someone is at least a good friend then meeting my family is something I do. Given everything I would think we were at least good friends.

 

So, my reading her reaction as it being inappropriate for both our families to meet each other, is probably correct. I felt the same way, but delivered my parents invitation anyway.

 

Thanks kiwi.

 

Well I assume there is a sexual aspect going on. Which means, can't be just friends. It's inherently something *else*. For at least one party involved. And in that case, families meeting eachother is awkward.

 

I am trying to remember the last time I did that.... Mmmm....When I was 16 and our families were already friends.

 

Couldn't you have had two separate dinners for each family?

[sweetkiwi]

(Could M have wanted it to be more?)

 

NO!!! This is the line of thinking that is getting you all messed up!!! She knew that it was a serious situation and told you it was inappropriate!!!

 

Basta. You are making yourself crazy.

[Mrlonelyone]

Well I assume there is a sexual aspect going on. Which means, can't be just friends. It's inherently something *else*. For at least one party involved. And in that case, families meeting eachother is awkward.

 

I am trying to remember the last time I did that.... Mmmm....When I was 16 and our families were already friends. ?

 

Yeah well there is that dimension to things. Some folks missed the post about staying in the same hotel etc while we were out of town.

 

Couldn't you have had two separate dinners for each family?

 

That's what I am thinking. She should meet my folks with me before both our families meet. Then they should meet if and when we both feel it's right.

 

Yet our parents seem to want to meet eachother. Her father was a bit disappointed that neither of my parents came, and my mother specifically wanted to take out her family.

 

In two weeks to a month there will soon be a special occasion at which she could meet my family herself. Things should blow over enough by then that, if it was meant to happen, they will meet then. My mom really wants to meet M.

[Mrlonelyone]

NO!!! This is the line of thinking that is getting you all messed up!!! She knew that it was a serious situation and told you it was inappropriate!!!

 

Basta. You are making yourself crazy.

 

I hope you're right.

 

Because, if you're right M and I are on the same page.

[clia]

Reciprocity would be your parents inviting her to dinner, not her parents. Parents meeting parents is a very big deal. You aren't even exclusive with her. I'm curious--when you had dinner with her parents, was it just the four of you, or did any of the other students on the trip attend?

 

You were under no obligation to deliver your parents' invitation to have dinner with her parents. You are an adult and if you truly thought it was inappropriate, all you had to do was tell your parents. But I suspect you were hoping M would agree to do it. The amount of time you seem to devote dissecting what she does leads me to believe that you would love to have a serious relationship with her.

 

I think you should be more concerned that she asked you to leave her alone. That isn't the sign of a woman who wants to date you, casual or otherwise. I still think you are reading way more into your relationship with M than actually is there.

[sweetkiwi]

Yeah but your families can want a freaking white wedding. Doesn't matter. It matters what you two want. Period.

[Mrlonelyone]

Reciprocity would be your parents inviting her to dinner, not her parents. Parents meeting parents is a very big deal. You aren't even exclusive with her. I'm curious--when you had dinner with her parents, was it just the four of you, or did any of the other students on the trip attend?

 

The dinner was planned by M and I and it was M's idea to bring her whole family. Her family sat with me and her at one end of the table, the others at another end. It felt like I was one of them already.

 

I asked her to meet my family right then and there in front of everyone and she said she would.

 

 

You were under no obligation to deliver your parents' invitation to have dinner with her parents.

 

 

You don't know my mamma!

 

 

You are an adult and if you truly thought it was inappropriate, all you had to do was tell your parents. But I suspect you were hoping M would agree to do it. The amount of time you seem to devote dissecting what she does leads me to believe that you would love to have a serious relationship with her.

 

Part of me would love to have her all to myself, someday.

 

I have serious reservations about that with her now.

 

M is young and trying to tie down a very young woman would not be rite. Even if we were all serious, and committed, and had that white wedding... latter in life she could feel like she missed out.

 

Further I don't want to be to tied down either. Soon I will need to look nationwide for a job. I may have to move 1000 2000 miles to get one. Should I ask anyone to go that distance with me? Should I miss a possible opportunity in life that only comes so often?

 

Those are my concerns.

 

 

 

I think you should be more concerned that she asked you to leave her alone. That isn't the sign of a woman who wants to date you, casual or otherwise. I still think you are reading way more into your relationship with M than actually is there.

 

Perhaps for her it is just harmless fooling around. Perhaps she's had second thoughts since that last dinner.

 

Your perspective is interesting. It could be that I am just absolutely delusional and need to be committed to the insane asylum. I will take that under advisement.

[Mrlonelyone]

Yeah but your families can want a freaking white wedding. Doesn't matter. It matters what you two want. Period.

 

 

Yeah that might be where their minds are.

 

Creepiest song ever. Sounds like a big brother asking who his sister likes...so he can shoot the guy.

White Wedding | Billy Idol | Music Video | MTV

[Mrlonelyone]

One more thing to note for anyone who thinks I may be fixated on M and she's clearly with other people blah blah blah.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/392151-met-someone-new-just-some-truly-good-news-me-once

 

I have met other women during this period too. It's just that well... M is special. No one else has risen to her level. I have kept my doors open but no one turns my knob like M.

[Mrlonelyone]

Any other opinions? Other than that somehow I am 100% deluded.

[xxoo]

Inappropriate for parents to meet parents at this point. For certain. Why would social protocol demand that your parents host her parents when they are in town, when she has never even met your parents? I have friends I've known for 20 years, I know their parents, they know my parents, but our parents have never met.

 

If everyone in your traveling group in the group met her parents on that trip, it is difficult to see how it was a special meeting between you and her parents. Did she introduce you as a romantic interest? Or as a good colleague?

[Mrlonelyone]

Inappropriate for parents to meet parents at this point. For certain. Why would social protocol demand that your parents host her parents when they are in town, when she has never even met your parents? I have friends I've known for 20 years, I know their parents, they know my parents, but our parents have never met.

 

Agree'd. It is a bit soon for that to me too. In hindsight I think my fam could have invited her to our house but... I don't want to rush that. If we have an occasion ... like my graduation ... then it does not seem like such a big deal. She can "just happen to be there" and whatnot.

 

 

If everyone in your traveling group in the group met her parents on that trip, it is difficult to see how it was a special meeting between you and her parents. Did she introduce you as a romantic interest? Or as a good colleague?

 

 

The short answer: Her dad went as far as to say that me and her remind him of him and his wife (her mother) when they were young and unmarried.

 

The long answer:

Based on her parents and families reactions to me I think I was introduced and/or spoken of as a romantic interest.

 

Her father talked to me like she had spent a great deal of time discussing me and my relationship with her. That was the strange, no passing strange, wonderously pitiful thing*. It was like she told him about every single conversation we ever had. He would ask me questions about my life and my family. (Really seriously watch the video clip I posted in the original post. What Othello describes between him and Desdemona's father is what freaking went on...but for real.)

 

Her sisters seemed very interested in talking to me as well.

 

There was no moment where I stood there and she said this is _____ my {insert label}. No, we don't even have such labels between us. That said, look at the actions not the words said, there is more to this than simple friendship or being colleagues.

 

 

*I know it sounds nutz but really watch that clip in my original post. It is so us.

[xxoo]

The only thing that sounds nutz is that you insist that it is casual....you don't want more.....really you don't.....but then you keep making threads that appear to be looking for affirmation that there really is much more to it. Are you being honest with yourself about what you want? Are you being honest with M?

[Mrlonelyone]

The only thing that sounds nutz is that you insist that it is casual....you don't want more.....really you don't.....but then you keep making threads that appear to be looking for affirmation that there really is much more to it.

 

I am not looking for affirmation that there is much more to this.

 

My post regarding her are like this.

 

A situation in which a "come here" is followed by a "go away". Often called a push pull situation.

 

My read on the situation is, if anything, to discount the push and give more weight to the pull.

 

In then ask if I am perhaps not giving the push away enough weight.

 

 

Are you being honest with yourself about what you want? Are you being honest with M?

 

Are either of us really being honest with each other about what we want?

 

We, as part of a discussion within our group, found ourselves talking about what scares us about marriage.

 

Yet there is, between us this deep intimacy and passion so much more than what one would expect from a friend. She may talk with other people about video games or I may talk with others about our work. With her it can be that as well as talks about each others families, childhoods, and past.