when you're smart enough to know better....how to win the other half of the battle

[swiftly333]

They say knowing is half the battle.... but I can't seem to accept things and act accordingly. How do you win the other half?

 

 

We are going I to the 3rd month after the break up of a 7 month relationship. After 1 month I started trying to get him back. I keep thinking I've had enough but then a few days later I'm back again, thinking about it, planning next move.

 

He's responding, but not initiating anything.... so it doesn't seem like he wants it. People say he's just tolerating me, allowing me to build up his ego, maby he thinks he's "letting me down easy." And I just make excuses for him. Everyone tells m I'm too good for this, but yet I don't believe it, I guess, because here I am.

 

Every time I talk to him I get excited because I feel like I'm making progress, but then we are at a complete standstill until I make another move and it make me upset. I get that I as the dumper would be expected to do not work, but I can't do it all. He would have to want this, too and be willing to try,too. His action don't indicate any of that. Yet here I am, still hold on to this tiny thread of hope when all signs say it's a lot cause. And honestly it doesn't make sense for me. I have so much going on in my life. I really don have time for someone else. Yet here I am.

 

I'm doing all the right things otherwise. I'm making changes. I'm becoming a better person. I'm working out, I'm finishing school, I'm going to.therapy and am planning an extended stay overseas. All these things that would make being in a relationship nearly impossible, yet I can't let go. I've been hoping therapy would help me accept all this, but it's not happened yet. But I'm still going and through it and it is helping. I'm reading books that help me understand why I behave this way, but still, not yet convinced enough to let it go. Still not convinced there's nothing more I can do. Still don't believe it wasn't meant to be. I wasn't to believe that if he'd give it a chance and see how I'm growing and changing that he'd see he wants it. I want to believe that he loved me the way I thought he did, and loves me enough to be forgiving, patient and understanding. But the reality he probably never was. And he also probably will never see that, and still believe he's done no wrong and he's fine and I'm the one messed up.

 

Th longest I've been able to go no contact was 2 weeks. And it's harder now the he started responding. I know for sure he'll tell t back within minutes, and the he'll answer the phone if he can (but won't return s call...WTF?). Too scared to ask if he'll see me yet. But part of me knows I'm going to try at some point.

 

I have finals next week, so I told myself I can't afford the emotional trauma. So it's now been a week. And by the time finals are over, it will be 2. But I still catch myself thinking I'll call him as soon as my last test is finished. But why? I'm almost positive he won't call or text me. So he probably doesn't care if I do or not. And at this pii t I'm sure he expects to hear from me 1_2x week. and if u can go 2 weeks again, then why not 3 or 4 or 5? I've been through a few break ups and I have NEVER acted like this. I've always cut my losses and moved on gracefully once I accepted it won't work.

 

It's frustrating. I am smart enough to see what's going on here, yet I still act like I'm blind to it. I still justify why I think he's acting this way and say things like it's ok, I'm fine, I just want to see if it's still there....but if it was still there he's try, even just s little, right? And if he is just too prideful, or if he is just testing me/playing hard to get/ mind games, that's not the kind of person I want to be with anyways!

 

But I'm doing all the right things otherwise, on the surface I'm making all the right steps forward. But really, I'm still stuck.

 

I'm writing all this, and they I still feel it in my gut. I just haven't been pulled through the mud enough I guess, and by the time I get to that point I'll be to hurt yo ever want to speak to him again. No matter which way it goes. The end result will most likely be the same! So why drag it out?

[portableversion]

I got dumped as you might say, I responded to her visits and stuff but when she refused to stop seeing her long distance man, yeah that's when I started playing more hard ball ignoring her calls and such , but then I had to get a bit uppity and say im not your ****ing friend you got your boyfriend(I don't care if he does live 3,000 miles away) its time to move on.

 

So far shes been leaving me alone and seems to have stopped coming over and, as long as shes shagging other man that's fine by me. Its absurd for me to be her friend while shes with other man. Yeah come over here and talk the weather with me her ex-husband and then go on airplane to give him the real prize, f-that. I wonder if she was just manipulating me to make sure id watch the boys while she went on shag fest with him.

 

Just outrageous and completely insensitive and disrespectful.

 

I don't know what your situation is but don't try to be buddy buddy with your ex while shagging someone else, its cruel and inhumane, im not saying your doing this im just venting and ranting.

 

Sounds like perhaps you are single , id take you back...lol, its too hard to discover new people and get a new relationship off the ground, may as well try to work things out.

[swiftly333]

Hahaha... No, I'm no shagging someone else while trying to get back, but I'm making myself available now, since he hasn't really shown a real interest I have no reason to act like I'm not single.

 

 

I'm actually quite a catch, actually. I don't know what's wrong with this guy. Plenty of other people are interested. I have several guy friends that tell me this dude is crazy if he doesn't see what he's missing . . but o guess that's part of what drives me crazy! Because he went from being crazy to not caring!

 

Butbanywus, why do pole do this: string along their exes? People are not good.

[Treasa]

You broke up with him. Even dumpees can move on. He isn't interested in being with you anymore. Just because some guys want to be with you doesn't mean he does anymore. You broke up with him and then started chasing him. Let it go and find a guy who wants to be with you.

[swiftly333]

Teresa, I'm getting there..... that's what this whole post is about....

[Treasa]

You can make the decision that you don't want to be with him anymore. It's hard, but I was able to do it. It took a lot of work, but you can do it, too. Get to the point where you're angry and wouldn't want him back.

[swiftly333]

I already went through anger.... I think the problem is I am far to caring, patient, understanding and forgiving -- with anyone but myself.

 

I wrote a list of all the things he's done that were hurtful and should make me angry, but they don't. It's really not fair. Truth is was what I did to him isn't worse then anything he's done to me. He's said and done terrible nasty things. I hurt him. But I never said terrible nasty things just go hurt him on purpose.... yet, he acts like I'm the bad guy...

 

Anyways, I'm trying to be angry that he's leading me on, but I can't even be mad about that.... I guess I'm just not an angry person... But I'm learning I need to stand up for myself a little more.

[TaraMaiden]

Okay....

If looking at all the things he has done to you, doesn't make you angry....

 

What emotion DO they evoke...?

[swiftly333]

I guess I just feel sadness....

 

It's not like he abused me, he just said some things out of anger. And they hurt, but I understand they were from anger. And I was pissed at the time, but it's over and I've already gotten over it....

 

It's not like I think it's okay..... I'm just not mad about those things after its been do long. And I don't think it's bad that I've forgiven and am at peace. Anger us toxic to the soul anyways.

[TaraMaiden]

If it makes you sad, why have you left yourself ways in which to contact him?

 

You need to delete all his details, then get a new number.

 

Erase all records of his email addresses, phone numbers and any way in which you can check on him.

 

You haven't done this so far, because obviously, you don't want to.

There's a connection there somewhere, but it's really not doing you any good, except creating a bit of drama in your life.....

[swiftly333]

Like I said before, for whatever reason, its for a hold of me and I just can't let it go.

 

 

I did delete all his contacts but then got then back again....

 

I've stopped all the other "checking".... But you're right. I clearly can't completely stop.

 

 

And I just have this sinking feeling I'm still going to call him again.... Even though I know I'm fine without him.

 

 

For the first few weeks I had thus heavy pain in my chest. And every day it became less and less. And I no longer feel it anymore. So why, after realizing this, feeling the healing, am I still holding on? Is it because something is still there or because I can't yet except that is already gone? I don't yet know. ...

[TaraMaiden]

I don't know. I can't really guess how your mind is working.

All I will say, is that there seems to be an addiction you're feeding.

 

And it's an addiction that is stronger than you.

 

Which is curious, because it is purely mind-generated; there is no 'substance addiction' here... there is no external, chemical, synthetic component acting upon your nervous system or cerebral function.

 

YOU - are doing this - to you.

 

perhaps you need hypnosis to break this habit....

[swiftly333]

Maybe so! I'm going to therapy, because maybe there is something else I'm trying to resolve, but can't figure that out yet....