Author happythroughout Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 Having had my fair share of 'head versus heart' challenges in life, I can empathize. Things aren't always cut and dried. What I've found to help, post-divorce, is to calmly (for myself anyway ) process out the attraction to those whom I've identified as unhealthy for myself. Hence, I might think a woman is 'hot' (attractive) and we experience apparent synergy but there are aspects which crop up which, long-term, are ones I've identified as incompatible as well as being elemental to the person, meaning unlikely to markedly change. Your example of 'self-centered' could be one of them. I wouldn't expect a self-centered person to change. As a result, I accept that and that my attraction to them is unhealthy for my personal well-being and process it out, essentially as if their incompatible aspects had rejected me. Bad fit. Move on. Such may not work for you but I offer it as one way I was able to move beyond investing in incompatible people I had prior unhealthy attachments to. I need to work on my moving on part. Always envied people that are able to do that without effort. Sometimes it feels too good to flirt and knowing someone may have feelings for you. Vain, I know.
carhill Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 For myself, 'moving on' took psychological counseling. YMMV, but I found it to be quite instructive in two areas: One, clarifying what is compatible and what is not. Two, creating a 'system' to cognitively process the emotions which 'tug' at accepting reality during the 'moving on' process. In my case, it was MC but any sort of focused counseling could be helpful. I note CBT and EMDR mentioned here on LS a fair amount.
Author happythroughout Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 For myself, 'moving on' took psychological counseling. YMMV, but I found it to be quite instructive in two areas: One, clarifying what is compatible and what is not. Two, creating a 'system' to cognitively process the emotions which 'tug' at accepting reality during the 'moving on' process. In my case, it was MC but any sort of focused counseling could be helpful. I note CBT and EMDR mentioned here on LS a fair amount. Interesting point. CBT may be more appropriate in this situation. But since this person can be quite sweet sometimes (when he's not self centered or narcissistic), the best way to really move on from this is to go NC. My feelings for him fluctuate, depending on how he treats me when we meet. Not healthy.
Emilia Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 My feelings for him fluctuate, depending on how he treats me when we meet. Not healthy. Indeed. It's called 'codependency'
Author happythroughout Posted May 16, 2013 Author Posted May 16, 2013 Indeed. It's called 'codependency' Do you mean I depend on him to make me feel happy? But when it goes the other way, I get upset? That's why people should multi-date. I won't have time to "depend" on him for anything.
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