Author happythroughout Posted May 12, 2013 Author Posted May 12, 2013 I'm sorry, so what does this mean? I think he's just not conscious of some of his actions. Take for example, men staring at women's boobs. It's usually "involuntary." Men are attracted to boobs, but because they don't have peripheral vision, they "don't realize" they're staring. Not that he's purposefully trying to be "selfish." He doesn't know what he does could be deemed "selfish."
carhill Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 How is it that these people manage to put up the charms to make others fall in love with them? How do they do it? In the sales business, it's called selling the sizzle. Psychologically, people who are able to clearly compartmentalize their emotions from cognitive/intellectual functioning *can* present a higher skill level of 'selling the sizzle'. As an extreme example, do you believe the actions of the man who apparently hugs and kisses his wife and child and worries about their welfare while going to his day job of killing other humans as a government assassin? How does he separate the love and care shown for two humans from the callous disregard shown for human life in his job, essentially terminating humans on orders? People like that exist and are amongst us and perform important functions in the world. What about their psychology separates them from the rest of us? Could I function like he does? Could you? There's lots of other examples across the spectrum of human behavior. As a comparison, for the guy staring at himself in mirrors and passing windows and talking incessantly about himself, his world is small and he fills it completely. It could be a sign of more serious issues or, as another poster indicated, simply that he's self-absorbed in a benign way. TBH, most people I encounter in life follow some semblance of the path you've described for this man. Take a day, socialize with people and really listen. It's enlightening. Regarding 'a little bit of attraction', OP, where do you think that comes from? You're attracted, so it's coming from you. Where from?
Author happythroughout Posted May 12, 2013 Author Posted May 12, 2013 In the sales business, it's called selling the sizzle. Psychologically, people who are able to clearly compartmentalize their emotions from cognitive/intellectual functioning *can* present a higher skill level of 'selling the sizzle'. As an extreme example, do you believe the actions of the man who apparently hugs and kisses his wife and child and worries about their welfare while going to his day job of killing other humans as a government assassin? How does he separate the love and care shown for two humans from the callous disregard shown for human life in his job, essentially terminating humans on orders? People like that exist and are amongst us and perform important functions in the world. What about their psychology separates them from the rest of us? Could I function like he does? Could you? There's lots of other examples across the spectrum of human behavior. As a comparison, for the guy staring at himself in mirrors and passing windows and talking incessantly about himself, his world is small and he fills it completely. It could be a sign of more serious issues or, as another poster indicated, simply that he's self-absorbed in a benign way. TBH, most people I encounter in life follow some semblance of the path you've described for this man. Take a day, socialize with people and really listen. It's enlightening. Regarding 'a little bit of attraction', OP, where do you think that comes from? You're attracted, so it's coming from you. Where from? The terminator is a good example. I think I'm attracted to the fact that he, of all people, treats me nicer than he treats others. That it's a bit of a "challenge" and maybe "victory." Or that I just feel special. Isn't it the same way anyone else falls in love? The special kind of feeling.
BluEyeL Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 The belief that you're superior to others An exaggerated fantasy of power, success, status and attractiveness Exaggerating your own achievements Lack of empathy Using others to get your way in business, relationships or other aspects of day-to-day life Setting unrealistic goals Appearing tough-minded/unemotional Difficulty keeping healthy and lasting relationships Appearance of over-confidence and or arrogance Monopolization of conversations (constantly interrupting) An attitude of entitlement A 'look at me, look at me' attitude http://ezinearticles.com/?Signs-of-Narcissism&id=7543217 This person shows signs of those in bold. Self centered or narcissistic? Regardless of whether the NPD "diagnosis" is right or wrong (I personally think it is right), he doesn't seem to be a good guy to date or be with. You can go ahead and date him anyway, but from my side, it doesn't look good.
Author happythroughout Posted May 12, 2013 Author Posted May 12, 2013 Regardless of whether the NPD "diagnosis" is right or wrong (I personally think it is right), he doesn't seem to be a good guy to date or be with. You can go ahead and date him anyway, but from my side, it doesn't look good. Did you mean the "diagnosis" from the bolded parts? I'm not in a hurry to date him. I'm attracted but not sold.
BluEyeL Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 Did you mean the "diagnosis" from the bolded parts? I'm not in a hurry to date him. I'm attracted but not sold. Yes, from the bolded parts, he seems to be a narcissist. Doesn't need to meet ALL the criteria.
carhill Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 I think I'm attracted to the fact that he, of all people, treats me nicer than he treats others. That it's a bit of a "challenge" and maybe "victory." Or that I just feel special. Isn't it the same way anyone else falls in love? The special kind of feeling. That's a valuable description. Thanks. I recall similar 'victories' in the past. I found the key was examining the person's default behavior when one didn't possess something they wanted. That's their truth. For an example, watch how a salesperson treats one after the sale versus before the sale. After, there's nothing to gain; no commission. Before, you (the customer) have something they want, namely your money. It works the same in interpersonal relations, for some people. Many people, in my personal experience. Hopefully, your 'many people' will vary markedly from my experience. Yep, I was attracted to a few. Life lessons. Gifts.
stillafool Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 Not quite. Some may call such a person vain, no? That he already knows he looks good but he is vain so likes checking his reflection. I just am a little attracted to him. It's a pity. It isn't a pitty that you are a little attracted as that can happen. Now that you know the type of person he is you can stay clear of him and not get involved. Right?
stillafool Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 What I'm curious is then this. If he's self-centered or narcissistic, how is it that he puts up with some of my ways and calms me when he thinks I'm freaking out? He treats me a little nicer than he does others. Should I be scared, very scared? Probably because he hasn't had sex with you yet.
soccerrprp Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 Probably because he hasn't had sex with you yet. OP, this is possible too. He may be treating you with delicate gloves until he's gotten what he wants....just be cautious.
ChessPieceFace Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 Yes, you don't want to date self-centered people. Which is why I, as a single American man amongst American women, don't even bother trying.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 The belief that you're superior to others An exaggerated fantasy of power, success, status and attractiveness Exaggerating your own achievements Lack of empathy Using others to get your way in business, relationships or other aspects of day-to-day life Setting unrealistic goals Appearing tough-minded/unemotional Difficulty keeping healthy and lasting relationships Appearance of over-confidence and or arrogance Monopolization of conversations (constantly interrupting) An attitude of entitlement A 'look at me, look at me' attitude http://ezinearticles.com/?Signs-of-Narcissism&id=7543217 This person shows signs of those in bold. Self centered or narcissistic? With the way our society is structured and what it values, you'll find that many people fall under the "narcissistic" category. It's ingrained in us from a very young age.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 Yes, from the bolded parts, he seems to be a narcissist. Doesn't need to meet ALL the criteria. Do you have a degree in psychology or psychiatry by any chance? No? Okay, just checking.
BluEyeL Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 Do you have a degree in psychology or psychiatry by any chance? No? Okay, just checking. She offered the "bolded parts", even if I had a degree, I don't know the guy, I said based on that bolded criteria, he SEEMS to be one. And I said that regardless of a "diagnosis", he doesn't seem to be a good guy to date. But she can go ahead and date him. Why do you feel personally offended? Also, OP, it is very important to watch how he treats others, not just how he treats you. Because before long, he'll treat you the same as he treats others.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 She offered the "bolded parts", even if I had a degree, I don't know the guy, I said based on that bolded criteria, he SEEMS to be one. And I said that regardless of a "diagnosis", he doesn't seem to be a good guy to date. But she can go ahead and date him. Why do you feel personally offended? Also, OP, it is very important to watch how he treats others, not just how he treats you. Because before long, he'll treat you the same as he treats others. Why do you assume I'm personally offended? I was just making sure of your credentials since you were so confident in your diagnosis.
Author happythroughout Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 That's a valuable description. Thanks. I recall similar 'victories' in the past. I found the key was examining the person's default behavior when one didn't possess something they wanted. That's their truth. For an example, watch how a salesperson treats one after the sale versus before the sale. After, there's nothing to gain; no commission. Before, you (the customer) have something they want, namely your money. It works the same in interpersonal relations, for some people. Many people, in my personal experience. Hopefully, your 'many people' will vary markedly from my experience. Yep, I was attracted to a few. Life lessons. Gifts. Did you mean if I "win" this person over, I would lost interest? It isn't a pitty that you are a little attracted as that can happen. Now that you know the type of person he is you can stay clear of him and not get involved. Right? It's a pity because even though I'm attracted to this person, I don't think I can date him. With the way our society is structured and what it values, you'll find that many people fall under the "narcissistic" category. It's ingrained in us from a very young age. How can I distinguish those with a serious dose of it from those that are just marginally narcissistic?
Author happythroughout Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 I caught up with him yesterday again. He's getting on my nerves and some things just annoy me. I can't even put a finger on it. He's too self centered and everything revolves around him. I even felt like he's into me because of some "selfish" reasons of his, such as him wanting an arm candy or because nobody else will put up with him. Okay, I think I'm not even making sense here now.
carhill Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 It's possible that the emotional stimulation, here seen as 'getting on my nerves', is being processed through the attraction portal due to other factors, as examples social status/power/appearance/charisma, etc. When blended, the negative aspects of 'getting on my nerves' are not so clearly seen and identified. Also, my life experience has been that women routinely complain and 'bitch' about men they are attracted to, partnered with, or married to. In fact, one of the most common 'complaints' I've heard from MW's over the decades is exactly what you're stating here, along with 'he has no empathy'; 'he never listens'; 'he's never home', etc, etc. Yet, their attraction rules and this 'stimulation' and subsequent 'venting' evidently provide them with the impetus/tools/emotional state to 'stay in the game'. It's fascinating to watch, especially now that I'm divorced and out of the milieu.
Author happythroughout Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 It's possible that the emotional stimulation, here seen as 'getting on my nerves', is being processed through the attraction portal due to other factors, as examples social status/power/appearance/charisma, etc. When blended, the negative aspects of 'getting on my nerves' are not so clearly seen and identified. Also, my life experience has been that women routinely complain and 'bitch' about men they are attracted to, partnered with, or married to. In fact, one of the most common 'complaints' I've heard from MW's over the decades is exactly what you're stating here, along with 'he has no empathy'; 'he never listens'; 'he's never home', etc, etc. Yet, their attraction rules and this 'stimulation' and subsequent 'venting' evidently provide them with the impetus/tools/emotional state to 'stay in the game'. It's fascinating to watch, especially now that I'm divorced and out of the milieu. Are you suggesting that I'm actually attracted to and enjoy being annoyed by this person? However, there have been times that I've been so vehemently angry with him that he would regret being born. What I'm trying to say is that I'm not "pretending" to be annoyed with him but really angry.
escafeld Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 On to the next! The guy I'm dating is kind of the same. He knows he's good looking so it's hard because both of us feel that we bring more to the table than the other so he does not seem to feel the need to try as hard. We need HUMBLE men. Humble men that you might not respect?! Surely you need a man whose who respects himself and you emotionally, all the superficial stuff is a bonus unless he's using it to attract new feathers to his nest
Author happythroughout Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 A reasonable amount of confidence is attractive. Coupled that with humility, I think, is a winner.
carhill Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Are you suggesting that I'm actually attracted to and enjoy being annoyed by this person? However, there have been times that I've been so vehemently angry with him that he would regret being born. What I'm trying to say is that I'm not "pretending" to be annoyed with him but really angry. As with others who have 'vented' to me in the past, I accept your frustrations as authentic and was attempting to forward one of many psychological explanations why a woman, with yourself as an example, might continue to date, be in a relationship with or remain married to a 'self-centered' man. For yourself, currently, the balance evidently supports continuing, where 'self-centered', as an individual characteristic, may be considered a deal-breaker otherwise. I don't think you're representing yourself as being 'attracted' to his self-centered behavior and your annoyance with it, rather processing it in balance with his positive attributes when deciding to remain in the dynamic. Hope that helps.
Author happythroughout Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 As with others who have 'vented' to me in the past, I accept your frustrations as authentic and was attempting to forward one of many psychological explanations why a woman, with yourself as an example, might continue to date, be in a relationship with or remain married to a 'self-centered' man. For yourself, currently, the balance evidently supports continuing, where 'self-centered', as an individual characteristic, may be considered a deal-breaker otherwise. I don't think you're representing yourself as being 'attracted' to his self-centered behavior and your annoyance with it, rather processing it in balance with his positive attributes when deciding to remain in the dynamic. Hope that helps. That's a fair portrayal, either in general or in my case. There are good and bad to every person. Perhaps it's which one trumps the other. I anticipate a lot of issues down the road if this continues, just by logic. For now, there are no strings attached (no, sex isn't and hasn't been involved). So it seems fine for now. Head versus heart, I guess.
carhill Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Having had my fair share of 'head versus heart' challenges in life, I can empathize. Things aren't always cut and dried. What I've found to help, post-divorce, is to calmly (for myself anyway ) process out the attraction to those whom I've identified as unhealthy for myself. Hence, I might think a woman is 'hot' (attractive) and we experience apparent synergy but there are aspects which crop up which, long-term, are ones I've identified as incompatible as well as being elemental to the person, meaning unlikely to markedly change. Your example of 'self-centered' could be one of them. I wouldn't expect a self-centered person to change. As a result, I accept that and that my attraction to them is unhealthy for my personal well-being and process it out, essentially as if their incompatible aspects had rejected me. Bad fit. Move on. Such may not work for you but I offer it as one way I was able to move beyond investing in incompatible people I had prior unhealthy attachments to.
jcrew11 Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 And someone that has a good heart and is caring toward everyone. How is it possible that I have some feelings for such a badass like that self-centered guy then?! you like him because he is good-looking and confident and now you blame him for being selfish. Next time, date the ugly nice guy.
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