movingon69 Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 Myself and a work mate developed strong feeling for one another, we didn't act upon them because we are both attached and not cheaters. I left the company about 7 months ago and since then have periodically text him to touch base and see how it's going. About 4 months ago we arranged (at his request) to meet up and catch up over coffee but before we met he changed his mind saying he couldn't cope with the hurt and guilt it would cause as we both knew where it would lead (I thought we were simply meeting for coffee - but ah ho). I've continued to text approx once a month and although he responds positively and gives me the low down on how things are for him (paragraphs on how he's putting far too much time into work etc) he never initiates contact. I did text him to say that if he wanted me to stop he simply needed to say so and I would stop but whenever I ask him directly if he wants me to he ignores the text. I haven't contacted him this month as I'm not sure it's the right thing to do, although it feels almost as if we both need this contact at the same time is it preventing us from moving on? I'm in the middle of separating from my partner (not connected) and wonder if it would be healthier to cut the ties with my old work mate too. Why am I/we not moving on?
TaraMaiden Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 If you don't move on, where do you see it going....? See, I figure this is just a dead-end, I can't see any benefit other than being casual friends. He's not forthcoming on what he wants, although it seems he sees connection with you as leading to sex, while you see it simply as a friendship. He is still attached, so potentially, this is more of a 'minefield' to him than it is to you. Frankly, it seems to be a progress-inhibitor. I'd cut the ties that bind, and move on. 1
Author movingon69 Posted May 11, 2013 Author Posted May 11, 2013 If you don't move on, where do you see it going....? Good point, I'm not sure where I see it going, I think if i'm being completely honest with myself I'm not looking for a committed relationship with him as I'm just coming out of a bad one; so I suppose I want nothing more than meeting for chats and sex. Problem is I know if he left his partner he would want more because he's told me so. Oh pooh, I really need to stop this as all I'm doing is preventing HIM from moving on because it makes ME feel better knowing I can tune into him whenever I want. In fact I've just realised that I'm probably seeing him as no more than a conquest, which isn't a nice thought. Thanks for your post it's really made me think and take stock of my own agenda.
spice4life Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 Good point, I'm not sure where I see it going, I think if i'm being completely honest with myself I'm not looking for a committed relationship with him as I'm just coming out of a bad one; so I suppose I want nothing more than meeting for chats and sex. Problem is I know if he left his partner he would want more because he's told me so. Oh pooh, I really need to stop this as all I'm doing is preventing HIM from moving on because it makes ME feel better knowing I can tune into him whenever I want. In fact I've just realised that I'm probably seeing him as no more than a conquest, which isn't a nice thought. Thanks for your post it's really made me think and take stock of my own agenda. Yeah, don't do that to the guy if you know he has feelings for you. Leave him be if you truly care about him as a person. Its not fair to toy with someone's feelings and mind like that. If you are looking for a FWB there are plenty of online options you can check out if you're just looking for chats and sex. 1
emva07 Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 i had the same exact thing going on except that he had two little girls....he told me that he was fearful of us getting involved bc if the wife found out she'd kick him out, take the kids and that is a risk he was not willing to take. And that he was crazy about having me but that the thought of losing his children was greater. Understabable. But yes, just chatting with a guy that you know wants you and you want him is tough. I wouldn't say i cut off ties, we still talk, calls me to ask how new job is....and just chat about life in general. I don't really think about it anymore (tho at first i felt super rejected and unattractive when talking to him because he would just ignore the connection). Talking to him has become like talking to any other friend. I went through this too, should i cut him off? why is he such a wimp? etc etc. but at the end of the day i realized we started as friends, and i enjoyed it like that so why end it all because i didn't get to have him? and he says he did catch feelings for me so i guess that is satisfaction enough for me.
whichwayisup Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 Pull the band aid off and just stop texting and emailing him. He isn't going to tell you to go away, though his actions (not texting you first, or maybe taking longer to respond) is letting you know he's not interested or at best, is making an effort to distance and detach himself from you. He's married and doesn't want to cheat on his wife. So, focus on your own life - You have a lot going on and many changes and adjustments to get used to. The friendship is going no where because there are feelings there and it's flirty. It never was a true and platonic friendship from the beginning, right? 1
Mount Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 Exactly. Never ever chase after a guy, because it is useless. Same for affair thing, if the MM wants to be with you (OW), he will be with you by taking actions moving forward. Whining, pushing, threatening, going after MMs will be useless either. He is not into you. Move on. Or maybe he likes you, but does not want to be dishonest and deceitful.. Asking him about more contact was lame and needy----a turn off.
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