She has "friends with benefits", but wants to wait to have sex...wtf?

May 12, 2013

Not sure why you would have call someone making sure they don't get hurt is taking control. It is them watching out for themselves. I'm not sure how long the woman in question had in mind, that would be good information to know, but if its just a few weeks or a month or two, that isnt horrible. She is still showing vulnerability by opening up to him and she just doesnt want to him to hit and run like some guys do

Also she told him about this, if she didn't want to be upfront and honest she could have never said anything about FWBs

Thats what it is.

May 12, 2013

Apologies, I beg to differ. You imply that people who have had FWB are all liars?

Absolutely not. Everyone's statements are unverified until they are verified, or untrusted until they are trusted. Everyone lies. You, me, everyone. We have no way of knowing, verifiably, if the OP is relating accurate events or if the lady in question is being truthful about her circumstances. We simply don't.

Why else would a bunch of men flock to a love advice forum? If they were getting laid and getting adoration from women, they wouldn't need to be here.

Men are here for the same reasons as women, their own. I think you know what you can do with your judgmental opinion of men. I'll thank you to confine your discussion to the topic.

May 12, 2013

Men getting laid and getting adoration from women can NOT get love from the women they want. They can realize they are not perfect and despite their general success with women, want to become better people for the ONE they really care about.

Not good to generalize or make assumptions. No one is fear free. No one, no matter how successful in dating, is safe from getting hurt. Or making mistakes. Sometimes even the same mistakes.

Love forums are fantastic for provided un-biased input and yes, less successful in dating people can provide them those answers, just like those more successful. It makes no difference, there is only one criteria - those providing the advice should stay neutral and unbiased. A lot of time they prove to be helpful, and you know why? Because they posters are not involved emotionally.

Being successful with all women on the planet except for the one you really care for, is a bit pointless, isn't it?

I stay away from generalizations and from patronizing people, especially when it comes to a "perceived" success or a perceived desirability. Anyone can help someone who needs help. They may not be able to emphasize with the poster, they may not be able to understand emotionally the poster, because they lack the experience, but they can show them the right way, mentally, should they choose to not be judgmental.

May 12, 2013

How do you know if she is no longer okay with casual sex now and changed her mind? Just like people have the right to stop using drugs, stop eating junk food or change their religion, I think people have the right to do what they want with their sex life. It's not like she's going to deny him sex completely.

I've noticed that people today are also forgetting the excitement of building up sexual tension. Wouldn't a movie be boring if the ending was thrown right in your face? People just want instant gratification. When you wait to have sex, the feeling is so good when you finally do it.

Well, I'm definitely in favor of waiting in general, I'm just saying that the double standard (has casual sex, but makes the boyfriend wait for it) is hypocritical. There is nothing in the OP that indicated that she is no longer interested in casual sex or that she has had a change of heart about that. I read the OP to say that she is fine with having FWB, but thinks that sex with the boyfriend should wait. And that she is continuing to have FWBs while seeing the OP.

May 12, 2013

Absolutely not. Everyone's statements are unverified until they are verified, or untrusted until they are trusted. Everyone lies. You, me, everyone. We have no way of knowing, verifiably, if the OP is relating accurate events or if the lady in question is being truthful about her circumstances. We simply don't.

absolutely. Yet, you have to choose if to believe them or not .

You immediately chose not to. Again, that alone tells more about your own attitude and fears than the woman who chose to share that obviously harmful to her information.

If I were the woman that poster is seeing, I don't know which thing would hurt me more: the OP thinking I am easy, the OP thinking that I am a liar or the OP expecting me to put out because I am easy and a liar ?

The OP must laugh his arse off, hearing her talking about "relationships". Some women, OMG !!!

May 12, 2013

Apologies, I beg to differ. You imply that people who have had FWB are all liars?

What is she had a FWB when she was finishing her phd and had no time to date? But she did have a good time with this dude who was also too busy with his career to date? What if her other FWB was when she was working to get promoted and was traveling like hell? How about after having had a really really bad break up? Can not a FWB bring them back their confidence, as they are emotionally shielding themselves? You make assumptions, you are generalizing and most importantly, you are judging!

Truth is, men are scared by women who have developed the ability to separate sex from feelings. What it is that they don't understand is that they may be able to do that only with specific people. Yes, if they actually like a guy, they would NOT be able to have casual sex, because they would fall inlove. And falling inlove consumes energy, time and efforts. Women need to protect themselves as well and part of that process is finding a person whom they are safe from falling for. Yes, for sex. Yes, for the male attention. And yes, without having to cry if the guy is not there emotionally. Is that so threatening, that at some point in life, women may need that type of relationship?

I say analyze her behavior:
- she didn't have to share her past - the fwb
- she didn't have to say that she is actually NOT having a sex life (mind you, they are not even exclusive)
- both these bits of info can be used - and as you see yourself - are used against her
- she is being straight up, telling about where she is coming from and where she is wants to go further: from relationships with sex, but without any emotional involvement to relationships with sex and with emotional involvement

the only thing the OP cares about is two things: his time and sex. No relationship.

Again, his reaction, whatever that may be, will speak TONS about him, his fears and his interest in this woman than about her. Apparently, the only thing he cares about is getting into her panties. Yesterday. And he feels entitled to... because of her past.

Boy, I hope that girl reads him out!!!

There is no entitlement issues with not wanting to wait. Just you want to wait to know intenrions men dont want to wait too long or wait at all because we dont want our time wasted with someone that we share emotions with and be vulnerable just to have nothing

May 12, 2013

You immediately chose not to. Again, that alone tells more about your own attitude and fears than the woman who chose to share that obviously harmful to her information.

Show me exactly where I said I personally choose not to and I'll agree with you. Nice try but no Cuban's here.

I'm speaking to the issue of compatibility. If the OP's sexual and relationship style is incompatible with the words he has heard, his job is to clarify and act in a manner consistent with his boundaries.

May 12, 2013

Show me exactly where I said I personally choose not to and I'll agree with you.

That's how I've interpreted your previous post aka:

- she said she's not having sex

- you state that there's no way of telling if she's telling the truth or not

- in your words, I took "his decision should turn upon what has been demonstrated" as your preference to give more weight to her past rather than at her words...

that means, because there's no way of verifying if she's telling the truth today, your opinion was that looking at how she acted in the past is the measure of her acts in the present, even if today, she is saying that she is making a different choice.

She can only be telling the truth or be lying. So if her past outweighs her words today... that would mean also there's no proof of verifying the accuracy of her statement, because she made a different choice in the past as she says that she is making today... that would mean that you believe she's most likely lying, no?

As the OP has not yet substantially developed trust in the person, compelling him to *believe* her words to be her truth, he has no verifiable method of ensuring that her actions comply/have complied with her words.

IMO, his decision should turn upon what has been demonstrated. She has shared directly that she has had casual sex partners in the past and apparently feels healthy about that choice.

May 12, 2013

OP, just listen to me... There is a lot of non sense talking here and there is only one truth.

Do you like the fact that just because you are serious about having a relationship with this girl you need to wait to get what others got just for fun in a blink? If you don't (I know I wouldn't like it !) then just dump her and look for someone who actually doesn't have such a different standards when having sex (or not having it) with people!

Only to add that I wouldn't even consider to have a relationship with a woman before I had sex with her, how can you decide to have a relationship with a person you don't even know if you are sexual compatible with?

May 12, 2013

You're not fooling me. It's because there is stronger physical attraction.

-----That too!

May 12, 2013

I agree that it is a compatibility issue.

Most women admitting that they've had casual sex in the past, but would like to take it slow in a budding relationship, probably assume that the man has also had casual sex in the past, and understands wanting to take things slower and not screw things up when there is real relationship potential.

If he thinks it is very wrong that has had casual sex, why date her?

If he thinks it is very wrong that she wants to take things slow, why date her?

She isn't forcing you to do anything. She certainly doesn't owe you sex.

May 12, 2013

There is no entitlement issues with not wanting to wait.

there is a whole Universe outside what one is or is not entitled to .

who does that saying go "what is unknown to me, does not exist to me".

oh, I looooove those people whiter than snow, more Catholic than the Pope, who just wouldn't accept that when one is so down that they can't even see the floor would be not even willing, but tempted to get any helping hand that might provide them with HELP. However wrong that help may be, only because it pushes them out of their own inferno.

FWB can be help, FWB can be hell, FWB can be heaven, FWB can be easy, complex, a sin, it can be a million things.

Reality is what it is. One can only believe or not believe what their partner tells them.

In the end, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.

May 12, 2013

I agree that it is a compatibility issue.

Most women admitting that they've had casual sex in the past, but would like to take it slow in a budding relationship, probably assume that the man has also had casual sex in the past, and understands wanting to take things slower and not screw things up when there is real relationship potential.

If he thinks it is very wrong that has had casual sex, why date her?

If he thinks it is very wrong that she wants to take things slow, why date her?

She isn't forcing you to do anything. She certainly doesn't owe you sex.

100% in agreement.

And OP doesn't owe that girl any second more of his time! He has not answered from some time ago but from his original post I think he has well understood that fact that she doesn't owe him anything but that he is free to dump her and keep looking for the right person.

May 12, 2013

I dunno. I wouldn't dwell on it. I agree with others that causal and love are two different kinds of sex. Plus I don't see her FWBs as "random". They're guys she's known for a while, like she's getting to know you.

NOW...if she was still banging these guys while "getting to know you", then I'd drop her. Sorry...but if a woman wants to date me, she cuts off the FWBs. Same goes for the guys. They should zip it up and wait to see if this is the real thing.

My only ordeal with men or women who have FWBs, but are seeking a BF or GF is they tend to suddenly set the bar insanely high. They see things as they have their hookups for sex, so they can set the bar way too high and fall back on the backups when they have those needs.

Some women I've noticed have the FWB, but they really want him as a BF (but he won't commit). So they'll literally be looking for a carbon copy of this guy, but he's willing to commit. Thus most men end up rejected as they come.

I don't see it as bad to have FWBs...but it's bad if you're banging them while dating someone.

Almost every FWB situation I have been privy to, was a situation in which the woman was trying to entice the guy she likes into a relationship via sex. That, and to distract him off the trail of other females.

May 12, 2013

Almost every FWB situation I have been privy to, was a situation in which the woman was trying to entice the guy she likes into a relationship via sex. That, and to distract him off the trail of other females.

True. But that rarely if ever works but some women still think it does

May 12, 2013

there is a whole Universe outside what one is or is not entitled to .

who does that saying go "what is unknown to me, does not exist to me".

oh, I looooove those people whiter than snow, more Catholic than the Pope, who just wouldn't accept that when one is so down that they can't even see the floor would be not even willing, but tempted to get any helping hand that might provide them with HELP. However wrong that help may be, only because it pushes them out of their own inferno.

FWB can be help, FWB can be hell, FWB can be heaven, FWB can be easy, complex, a sin, it can be a million things.

Reality is what it is. One can only believe or not believe what their partner tells them.

In the end, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.

Im confused where entitlement comes in. The only one that feels entitled is the woman

May 12, 2013

Why don't you guys (hestheone66 and honeybadgerdontcare) hide the weapons for a change and stop making this a yet again male vs female war?

Everyone has the right to chose in which circumstances we want to have sex (where, when and with whom) and there i no doubt that OP's girl can choose a different approach with OP that she has done with other guys in her previous life.

Speaking of loose morals is just a never ending discussion because moral is something personal and the understanding of morals therefore is different from one person to another. Women have the same right to have sex and be pleasured as men, who ever thinks different is wrong and will suffer a lot in his life because he either will be disappointed or lied to.

Having said that if I would be OP in this concrete case I would just dump this girl sorry a$$. This girl is just playing the "no sex card" to have the control over the relationship and therefore she is punishing him for the mere fact that he has a more serious interest on her than putting his penis in her vagina (other people with less interest in anything but her sex have gotten what is forbidden to OP)...which is a totally lame thing to do. Therefore OP, don't allow her to play with you, or be ware that that will be the tonic of your relationship as long as you are with her.

May 12, 2013

Why don't you guys (hestheone66 and honeybadgerdontcare) hide the weapons for a change and stop making this a yet again male vs female war?

Everyone has the right to chose in which circumstances we want to have sex (where, when and with whom) and there i no doubt that OP's girl can choose a different approach with OP that she has done with other guys in her previous life.

Speaking of loose morals is just a never ending discussion because moral is something personal and the understanding of morals therefore is different from one person to another. Women have the same right to have sex and be pleasured as men, who ever thinks different is wrong and will suffer a lot in his life because he either will be disappointed or lied to.

Having said that if I would be OP in this concrete case I would just dump this girl sorry a$$. This girl is just playing the "no sex card" to have the control over the relationship and therefore she is punishing him for the mere fact that he has a more serious interest on her than putting his penis in her vagina (other people with less interest in anything but her sex have gotten what is forbidden to OP)...which is a totally lame thing to do. Therefore OP, don't allow her to play with you, or be ware that that will be the tonic of your relationship as long as you are with her.

Hate to tell you, man, but he'll most likely be lied to either way. That's not to say I don't go out and hook up with girls with loose morals (hell, why not if I could have the milk without buying the cow?), but I would never respect them as potential girlfriends. Gross.

I do agree that he should dump her. So I will like your post.

May 12, 2013

Hate to tell you, man, but he'll most likely be lied to either way. That's not to say I don't go out and hook up with girls with loose morals (hell, why not if I could have the milk without buying the cow?), but I would never respect them as potential girlfriends. Gross.

I do agree that he should dump her. So I will like your post.

Your loss some other guys win! A woman is much more than the number of penis she has had in her vagina.

You can dismiss an amazing woman who given her sex experience could give you the sex of your life and could be a marvelous person just for the fact that she has enjoyed sex in her life? Can I ask how old are you? It seems a statement a very young lad would make.

My advise is to don't judge for something that has nothing to do with you. If a woman don't actually tell you, you will never know the difference between a woman who has been with many men or with just a few...believe me I have some experience on this matter!

May 12, 2013

what if the OP takes it slow and dates her for say 2 months and then she says she doesnt want to sleep with him cos she doesnt like him.

then the week after she sleeps with a guy she knows for 1 night.

inagine how the OP feels after developing feelings for her and being the respectable gentleman and taking things slow?

The idea is that she wants to go slow because she likes him so much.

If she does like him that much, it should be obvious in the amt of time she spends with him, the way she seeks his touch and kiss, the way her heart races when you touch, etc.

Having had FWB does not mean promiscuous behavior, because it implies sex with carefully selected casual partners instead of dozens of ONS. It is better, imo, than jumping from one relationship to the next to have companionship. This woman, when she enters a relationship, really wants that man, not just any man. Sort of how a guy picks a girlfriend, rather than a just for sex partner.

May 12, 2013

Your loss some other guys win! A woman is much more than the number of penis she has had in her vagina.
You can dismiss an amazing woman who given her sex experience could give you the sex of your life and could be a marvelous person just for the fact that she has enjoyed sex in her life? Can I ask how old are you? It seems a statement a very young lad would make.

My advise is to don't judge for something that has nothing to do with you. If a woman don't actually tell you, you will never know the difference between a woman who has been with many men or with just a few...believe me I have some experience on this matter!

I'm 26.

And okay, I phrased that wrong.

I didn't mean a girl that went through a party stage and is over it. I mean a girl that currently is sleeping with other people that only wants a different guy for a relationship.

Yes, a girl that had multiple penises in her is a turn-off, but not a dealbreaker (depending on how many penises.....I once knew a girl that had sex with over 100 guys....THAT'S a dealbreaker).

Also, fwiw, I generally find that the best way to determine how many men a girl actually slept with is to multiply the number they give you by 3.

May 12, 2013

The idea is that she wants to go slow because she likes him so much.

If she does like him that much, it should be obvious in the amt of time she spends with him, the way she seeks his touch and kiss, the way her heart races when you touch, etc.

Having had FWB does not mean promiscuous behavior, because it implies sex with carefully selected casual partners instead of dozens of ONS. It is better, imo, than jumping from one relationship to the next to have companionship. This woman, when she enters a relationship, really wants that man, not just any man. Sort of how a guy picks a girlfriend, rather than a just for sex partner.

I don't think any guy who is picking a girlfriend would make her wait for sex...

May 12, 2013

If having FWB is loose morals to you, that's fine, but I hope those judgments are the same for men and women both.

The attitude of "giving" and "getting" sex is revealing. It is also impatient, because the premise is that the woman wants to "give" him sex and also her heart.

May 12, 2013

I don't think any guy who is picking a girlfriend would make her wait for sex...

Casablanca said it here:

Makes sense to me, women have sexual needs and a woman will rarely be rejected at a sexual advance. There are people I'd hook up with right away with and would be fine making a move, if I got rejected no problem, but if its someone I'm interested in, I won't quite make a sexual advance right away, and see how things play out

I've known other guys when, with a woman they view as "the one", take it slower out of concern of screwing it up with early sex. It isn't that they don't want sex. It isn't necessarily that she doesn't want it, either.

May 12, 2013

I'm 26.

And okay, I phrased that wrong.

I didn't mean a girl that went through a party stage and is over it. I mean a girl that currently is sleeping with other people that only wants a different guy for a relationship.

Yes, a girl that had multiple penises in her is a turn-off, but not a dealbreaker (depending on how many penises.....I once knew a girl that had sex with over 100 guys....THAT'S a dealbreaker).

Also, fwiw, I generally find that the best way to determine how many men a girl actually slept with is to multiply the number they give you by 3.

Thank you for the clarification, I guess everyone has the right to have their own deal breaker (number of former lovers is not one of mine) but sleeping with other people while dating me is definitely a deal breaker for me too.

Regarding to your way to determine how many men a girl has actually slept with is just plain wrong because many women will be totally honest about their number and many of them would divide it by 20 and not by 3...

Usually if I enjoy the company of a person and we are sexually and emotionally compatible the chances that the dating becomes a relationship is almost 100%. I don't really care and I don't have any curiosity about her sexual past if it is not to propose anything kinky that she has done and I may be interested to try...

Sign In

She has "friends with benefits", but wants to wait to have sex...wtf?

Recommended Posts

joystickd

carhill

candie13

KathyM

candie13

joystickd

carhill

candie13

therhythm

stillafool

xxoo

candie13

therhythm

StanMusial

Revolver

joystickd

therhythm

HoneyBadgerDontCare

therhythm

xxoo

HoneyBadgerDontCare

therhythm

xxoo

xxoo

therhythm

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...