She has "friends with benefits", but wants to wait to have sex...wtf?

May 12, 2013

Why does it have to be a game or control thing? Why can't someone just not want to sleep with someone until they've made a clear decision about how much they like someone? Not everything is a power play

9 times out of 10 it's not a mutual thing. She decides to wait because she was hurt or etc so it comes from a reactive place. She is taking some level of control.

The thing is you want a man to invest time and emotions on someone which makes him show vulnerability but you not be vulnerable until a time you see fit. How does that really sound? I say control all day

May 12, 2013

If a girl I was seeing told me something like this, that's all she'd remain... Someone I'm seeing and f*cking at most.

Would never become my girlfriend and later serious partner.

I had a FWB thing almost a year before I met my now girlfriend and I didn't make her wait to sleep with me just because I thought I wanted something serious with her.

I wanted to sleep with her as quickly as I would with any other girl I found attractive.

Women find such piss weak reasons and excuses for promiscuous behaviour.

My favourite one is the one of going through the insecure and low self esteem stage... 'I had a stage when I went through a period of low self esteem which forced me to lay on my back and act as a mattress for 150 low-life guys but I'm super woman now, so you'll have to wait Mr future husband'

Funny how guys with low self esteem never screw 50 girls.

They often screw nothing at all!

Edited May 12, 2013 by lino
fixed incorrect word use.

May 12, 2013

Threads like this make me appreciate why I steer clear of FWB situations, in my own life and others, lol.

May 12, 2013

And how that risk is not there with her fwb's? If a woman is capable of casual sex is because she is very well capable to separate sex and love.

What if she is only capable of separating the two once she has made that separation? What if having sex until she has made a decision clouds her judgment with that person? From what I hear, that for women this is often the case, don't know why this would be any different

9 times out of 10 it's not a mutual thing. She decides to wait because she was hurt or etc so it comes from a reactive place. She is taking some level of control.

The thing is you want a man to invest time and emotions on someone which makes him show vulnerability but you not be vulnerable until a time you see fit. How does that really sound? I say control all day

Not sure why you would have call someone making sure they don't get hurt is taking control. It is them watching out for themselves. I'm not sure how long the woman in question had in mind, that would be good information to know, but if its just a few weeks or a month or two, that isnt horrible. She is still showing vulnerability by opening up to him and she just doesnt want to him to hit and run like some guys do

Also she told him about this, if she didn't want to be upfront and honest she could have never said anything about FWBs

May 12, 2013

You know what? I've actually got it.

It's not that the OP minds that they didn't have sex in three weeks - which is actually reasonable, he minds that other men got that, with the same woman... and faster.

It's not about her being a floozy straight away,in the past, it's about her not being a floozy, straight away, with the OP. Yup, some women can just hit ya with a "no", no matter how many men they slept with before, lol. A girl's privilege !!!

May 12, 2013

I fail to see how being straightforward and honest is being controlling.

She's giving you the information you need to make your own decision. She's not making you do anything. It is your choice to date her or not. If the is a strong mutual connection, you'd probably date her on these terms. If the interest is mediocre on your end, you'll probably pass. Either way, it will work out for her.

Would you prefer the woman who pretends she never has had casual sex?

May 12, 2013

Sounds like elementally different styles of relating to people on the intimate level. I'd pass. A better match for her IMO is a man who operates psychologically in a similar fashion wrt sex and intimacy, of course presuming you (OP) don't.

May 12, 2013

wait and see.i think she doesnt see you as a hook up but more like a relationship.its not a bad thing actually its good and you should be glad about it

May 12, 2013

She's giving you the information you need to make your own decision. She's not making you do anything. It is your choice to date her or not.

Lol, he's not interested in dating her, he's obviously only interesting in doing her. Some men use dating to have sex and have absolutely no intention to have a relationship, discover the other person or see the point of doing any of these things.

Allow me to explain.

Evidence no 1: He's not saying "she had several FWB and it bothers me".

Evidence no 2 : He's not saying" we've been dating for three weeks, why won't she be intimate with me?".

Evidence no 3: He is saying "she's had several FWB, why won't she have sex with me already? Bloody hell, it's been three weeks already, wtf?":).

Hey, dude, do everyone a favor, forget about this one and date a girl who'll give it to you after three dates top and do your best to have all those three dates in one week, will ya? That'll keep you... not sure if happy, but for sure, more satisfied !

May 12, 2013

I personally don't date people who have been promiscuous in the past for whatever reason, and that's because I know people who haven't been able to change at all. So I don't trust anyone with such a past. I just can't... The people I know haven't cheated, thankfully, but they broke up with their other halves because they couldn't handle monogamy. Only one person is still married but he has admitted he's finding it very hard now. He doesn't stray or divorce his wife because he loves her (but he finds it hard).

I agree that skipping stages of intimacy is risky for a relationship.

I understand, but being promiscuous and having an fwb aren't the same thing. I don't know about the op's girl's history, but having casual sex doesn't mean that you're sleeping with 150 guys. A person could be having casual sex with their ex boyfriend, and nobody else. Sexuality is very complex. I get sad when I see some men think of sex as black and white. I'm not talking about you, but just reading some of the comments here are making me shake my head. I agree with the other poster that maybe some men are just bitter about their own sex lives. I don't agree with the girl telling all of her business during the first three weeks of dating.

May 12, 2013

Thinking of just dumping her and moving on.

Sounds like a good idea. Very few people are O.K. with sexually sharing someone they are in a relationship with.

May 12, 2013

I can definitely see both sides.

However, if a man told me he wanted to wait to have sex for whatever reason, even though he had casual sex in the past, it wouldn't offend me at all! I would think it shows emotional growth and maturity on part of the man and make me more excited to have sex with him. I would respect and honor his decision.

Apparently this is different for a man waiting for a woman situations, because most of the men said dump her!!

May 12, 2013

I fail to see how being straightforward and honest is being controlling.

She's giving you the information you need to make your own decision. She's not making you do anything. It is your choice to date her or not. If the is a strong mutual connection, you'd probably date her on these terms. If the interest is mediocre on your end, you'll probably pass. Either way, it will work out for her.

Would you prefer the woman who pretends she never has had casual sex?

Well yes.

That's the way nature intended it.

The woman pretends she is near virgin, the man pretends he is a stud & the two meet in the middle somewhere.

Just about every "single" woman I know, single meaning not in an official relationship with someone has at least one guy she's banging that she keeps a secret even from her closest friends.

I know because I've been that guy a few times.

Talking about the FWB just messes with the natural order of things.

May 12, 2013

I can definitely see both sides.

However, if a man told me he wanted to wait to have sex for whatever reason, even though he had casual sex in the past, it wouldn't offend me at all! I would think it shows emotional growth and maturity on part of the man and make me more excited to have sex with him. I would respect and honor his decision.

Apparently this is different for a man waiting for a woman situations, because most of the men said dump her!!

The difference with the OP is that his girlfriend is continuing to have sex with her FWBs while still dating the OP. Very few people would be O.K. with that, regardless of gender.

May 12, 2013

You apparently prefer to be lied to - because men are not all studs and women are not all virgins. That specific woman wants (and offers) honesty. Before getting into the details of who's right or wrong and which one's better, that detail alone: HONESTY versus LYING is a big incompatibility pointer. So why try to see someone if both partners' expectations are so fundamentally different?

May 12, 2013

The difference with the OP is that his girlfriend is continuing to have sex with her FWBs while still dating the OP. Very few people would be O.K. with that, regardless of gender.

she ain't having sex with no one, she said she didn't have sex in 6 weeks and dating the OP for three .

May 12, 2013

The difference with the OP is that his girlfriend is continuing to have sex with her FWBs while still dating the OP. Very few people would be O.K. with that, regardless of gender.

I was under the impression that this was a past thing. Can the OP clarify that she is still having FWB's while seeing him?

If that's the case, then I wouldn't put up with that.

May 12, 2013

The difference with the OP is that his girlfriend is continuing to have sex with her FWBs while still dating the OP. Very few people would be O.K. with that, regardless of gender.

See, she says she hasn't slept with them in 6 weeks but, they were obviously on her mind so she is still probably in contact with them. It comes under the umbrella of still "friends" or talking to an ex.

It's shady.

You apparently prefer to be lied to - because men are not all studs and women are not all virgins. That specific woman wants (and offers) honesty. Before getting into the details of who's right or wrong and which one's better, that detail alone: HONESTY versus LYING is a big incompatibility pointer. So why try to see someone if both partners' expectations are so fundamentally different?

It's the don't ask don't tell policy because people LIE to make themselves seem more attractive to the opposite sex.

Yes, i'll bet even you have lied to a prospective partner to make yourself seem more attractive.

Omitting parts of the truth or keeping something you once did that could potentially turn someone off is still being not honest by the way.

I personally don't think this woman is into this guy or just stringing him along because telling someone this type of info is just dumb.

May 12, 2013

she ain't having sex with no one, she said she didn't have sex in 6 weeks and dating the OP for three .

As I mentioned in a prior thread on a similar topic, all of the communication here, and in the OP's real life, is known completely only to the person making the communication. As the OP has not yet substantially developed trust in the person, compelling him to *believe* her words to be her truth, he has no verifiable method of ensuring that her actions comply/have complied with her words.

IMO, his decision should turn upon what has been demonstrated. She has shared directly that she has had casual sex partners in the past and apparently feels healthy about that choice. If he feels similarly, in that he has had casual sex partners and feels healthy about that choice, then their styles surrounding sex, on that parameter, match up. Then, if matched up, they can move on to other aspects of their styles of relating.

OP, do you enjoy casual sex and, if so, when was the last time you pursued a casual sex partner? I'm asking you directly because you have not posted in this thread after the starting post. Thanks.

May 12, 2013

she ain't having sex with no one, she said she didn't have sex in 6 weeks and dating the OP for three .

How do you know?

because she said so?

My semen tastes like ice-wine. You may not believe me now, but after 3 weeks of knowing me & still not tasting it, you will believe me. right?

I was under the impression that this was a past thing. Can the OP clarify that she is still having FWB's while seeing him?

If that's the case, then I wouldn't put up with that.

You can't know for sure. But, i've had women rail on cheaters then cheat on me. I've had women go on & on about how they won't be their ex's booty call, then one night go to his house & cheat on me.

Why even mention it when they could of kept quiet & i'd of never suspected?

May 12, 2013

I was under the impression that this was a past thing. Can the OP clarify that she is still having FWB's while seeing him?

If that's the case, then I wouldn't put up with that.

I took his OP to mean that she is still continuing with the FWB while being in a relationship with him, since he used the present tense (i.e., she has some FWBs, rather than the past tense "she had some FWBs"). Even if the FWBs were in the past, though, it still seems hypocritical to be O.K. with casual sex with others but yet expect her boyfriend to wait for it. Seems kind of backwards to me--having sex with people you don't care about and not with people you do care about. Either way, I can see why the OP would be thinking wtf?

May 12, 2013

Dated girl for three weeks. She says she wants to wait to have sex until the relationship is more than just sex and more meaningful. At the same time, she has previously mentioned that she has a few fwb (friends with benefits). She claims she hasn't had sex in more than 6 weeks, but wtf is this nonsense?

She'll have sex with some random guy, but make me wait? Thinking of just dumping her and moving on.

I dunno. I wouldn't dwell on it. I agree with others that causal and love are two different kinds of sex. Plus I don't see her FWBs as "random". They're guys she's known for a while, like she's getting to know you.

NOW...if she was still banging these guys while "getting to know you", then I'd drop her. Sorry...but if a woman wants to date me, she cuts off the FWBs. Same goes for the guys. They should zip it up and wait to see if this is the real thing.

My only ordeal with men or women who have FWBs, but are seeking a BF or GF is they tend to suddenly set the bar insanely high. They see things as they have their hookups for sex, so they can set the bar way too high and fall back on the backups when they have those needs.

Some women I've noticed have the FWB, but they really want him as a BF (but he won't commit). So they'll literally be looking for a carbon copy of this guy, but he's willing to commit. Thus most men end up rejected as they come.

I don't see it as bad to have FWBs...but it's bad if you're banging them while dating someone.

May 12, 2013

I took his OP to mean that she is still continuing with the FWB while being in a relationship with him, since he used the present tense (i.e., she has some FWBs, rather than the past tense "she had some FWBs"). Even if the FWBs were in the past, though, it still seems hypocritical to be O.K. with casual sex with others but yet expect her boyfriend to wait for it. Seems kind of backwards to me--having sex with people you don't care about and not with people you do care about. Either way, I can see why the OP would be thinking wtf?

How do you know if she is no longer okay with casual sex now and changed her mind? Just like people have the right to stop using drugs, stop eating junk food or change their religion, I think people have the right to do what they want with their sex life. It's not like she's going to deny him sex completely.

I've noticed that people today are also forgetting the excitement of building up sexual tension. Wouldn't a movie be boring if the ending was thrown right in your face? People just want instant gratification. When you wait to have sex, the feeling is so good when you finally do it.

May 12, 2013

As I mentioned in a prior thread on a similar topic, all of the communication here, and in the OP's real life, is known completely only to the person making the communication. As the OP has not yet substantially developed trust in the person, compelling him to *believe* her words to be her truth, he has no verifiable method of ensuring that her actions comply/have complied with her words.

Apologies, I beg to differ. You imply that people who have had FWB are all liars?

What is she had a FWB when she was finishing her phd and had no time to date? But she did have a good time with this dude who was also too busy with his career to date? What if her other FWB was when she was working to get promoted and was traveling like hell? How about after having had a really really bad break up? Can not a FWB bring them back their confidence, as they are emotionally shielding themselves? You make assumptions, you are generalizing and most importantly, you are judging!

Truth is, men are scared by women who have developed the ability to separate sex from feelings. What it is that they don't understand is that they may be able to do that only with specific people. Yes, if they actually like a guy, they would NOT be able to have casual sex, because they would fall inlove. And falling inlove consumes energy, time and efforts. Women need to protect themselves as well and part of that process is finding a person whom they are safe from falling for. Yes, for sex. Yes, for the male attention. And yes, without having to cry if the guy is not there emotionally. Is that so threatening, that at some point in life, women may need that type of relationship?

I say analyze her behavior:

- she didn't have to share her past - the fwb

- she didn't have to say that she is actually NOT having a sex life (mind you, they are not even exclusive)

- both these bits of info can be used - and as you see yourself - are used against her

- she is being straight up, telling about where she is coming from and where she is wants to go further: from relationships with sex, but without any emotional involvement to relationships with sex and with emotional involvement

the only thing the OP cares about is two things: his time and sex. No relationship.

Again, his reaction, whatever that may be, will speak TONS about him, his fears and his interest in this woman than about her. Apparently, the only thing he cares about is getting into her panties. Yesterday. And he feels entitled to... because of her past.

Boy, I hope that girl reads him out!!!

May 12, 2013

Candie13-The men that understand our points tend to be the ones that are experienced, sought after by other women, and able to see things from the other side.

All of the sexually judgmental men (or boys) I've known ironically tend to be the type of guys that aren't considered desirable. I don't want to be rude, but it's what I've seen. Why else would a bunch of men flock to a love advice forum? If they were getting laid and getting adoration from women, they wouldn't need to be here.

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She has "friends with benefits", but wants to wait to have sex...wtf?

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