She has "friends with benefits", but wants to wait to have sex...wtf?

[candie13]

Well in the way I see it not having sex will ruin the chances for a relationship in more cases than having it. Can you enlighten me? In which case would having sex with the guy be bad for the relationship? she has already said she has had casual sex so I don't think she is afraid that the guy would consider her "easy" (I hate the connotations of that word because we are all easy in the given moment) so how having sex with the guy would ruin the chances of a relationship?

 

I'm trying to explain it to you from a woman's perspective:

 

I. If she doesn't want a relationship, there are two options:

- A. she just leaves - no sex, no chemistry, no attraction

- B. she has sex and has a good time. She doesn't really care about what the guy thinks, as she's not seeing in him anything interesting. Unfortunately, having sex may make a woman develop feelings for a guy, so that theory will end up biting our woman in the arse.

 

II. If a girl wants a relationship, chances are she appreciated the man she's seeing, she wants him to have a good opinion of her.

- A. if she has sex early, also she might like the guy, she does not know him and has no idea about how judgemental he is. Some men divide women in two sections: to fhuck and to date. She wants to avoid the first category like the plagues.

 

In addition to that, if she has sex and she liked him beforehand, chances are she will start developing feelings. However, she does not know the guy at all. So having sex will give the guy all the knowledge and the power and put her in a disadvantaged position. Women having sex early have everything to lose and nothing to gain. Except for the thrills and for a handful of handkerchiefs, when the guy loses interest

 

- B. if she waits, she gets to know him, how he is, what he likes... how he thinks, what he is looking for from a woman and from her, maybe. If she waits, he may actually start to take an interest in her, as a person, because they spend their time talking and not sexing...

 

So waiting is better for both parties, because it helps them minimize the false expectations and maximize their being in tune with the reality - of each other and of their relationship.

[therhythm]

I'm trying to explain it to you from a woman's perspective:

 

I. If she doesn't want a relationship, there are two options:

- A. she just leaves - no sex, no chemistry, no attraction

- B. she has sex and has a good time. She doesn't really care about what the guy thinks, as she's not seeing in him anything interesting. Unfortunately, having sex may make a woman develop feelings for a guy, so that theory will end up biting our woman in the arse.

 

II. If a girl wants a relationship, chances are she appreciated the man she's seeing, she wants him to have a good opinion of her.

- A. if she has sex early, also she might like the guy, she does not know him and has no idea about how judgemental he is. Some men divide women in two sections: to fhuck and to date. She wants to avoid the first category like the plagues.

 

In addition to that, if she has sex and she liked him beforehand, chances are she will start developing feelings. However, she does not know the guy at all. So having sex will give the guy all the knowledge and the power and put her in a disadvantaged position. Women having sex early have everything to lose and nothing to gain. Except for the thrills and for a handful of handkerchiefs, when the guy loses interest

 

- B. if she waits, she gets to know him, how he is, what he likes... how he thinks, what he is looking for from a woman and from her, maybe. If she waits, he may actually start to take an interest in her, as a person, because they spend their time talking and not sexing...

 

So waiting is better for both parties, because it helps them minimize the false expectations and maximize their being in tune with the reality - of each other and of their relationship.

 

And how that risk is not there with her fwb's? If a woman is capable of casual sex is because she is very well capable to separate sex and love.

 

I see what you try to say and it may be a valid reason for a woman no to have sex at the beginning of a relationship when she is not used to casual sex, but a woman who is used to just have sex for the shake of it and is just not wiling to do it for the OP is very telling.

 

About the point of the guy being judgmental, I don't think she is scared of that when she has told him that she has various fwb's, I think that is not a possibility.

[stillafool]

Unfortunately sometimes women will have sex faster with someone we are not serious about than a guy we want a relationship with. I don't know why it's like this, it just is.

[therhythm]

Unfortunately sometimes women will have sex faster with someone we are not serious about than a guy we want a relationship with. I don't know why it's like this, it just is.

 

And unfortunately there are guys who would not accept that and would ditch the girl and look for someone more reasonable.

[Seductive]

I'm not sure if I fully agree with this comparison... Yes, there are exceptions, but I'm not sure junk food or something silly you did in high-school is comparable to something you continuously do as an adult, and recently, too. Plus, when it comes to sexual habits, those change even more difficult than, say, food habits.

 

How do you know? Are you talking about your own difficulty to change your sexual habits or are you making assumptions out of fear? Ive known people that have been able to give up casual sex for good. I've also known sexual people that have become celibate. It's all about willpower and your beliefs. If a person can't give up their past sexual habits, they just don't want to change. For those that don't understand waiting, do your research on oxytocin in women and the impact of lasting marriages. No offense, but I can see why so many Americans have high divorce rates (Im an American too). People today just don't understand the various stages of intimacy and compatibility. They have sex right away and then they expect everything else to be bliss.

[therhythm]

I don't have problems with people who change their sex habits... but I would have problems with a woman who changes her sex habits just for me. It is very telling!

[phineas]

And unfortunately there are guys who would not accept that and would ditch the girl and look for someone more reasonable.

 

To be honest I don't know a lot of guys who would stick around in this type of situation.

Who wants to hear the woman straight-arming their play for the bed-room would of hooked up with him on the 1st or 2nd date if she didn't see him as "special" That's borderline retarded.

[xxoo]

I've heard guys expressing the flip side of this--if they are interested in a woman for more than sex, they are content to give it more time for sex to happen. Meanwhile, if the interest is only sexual, they wouldn't wait for sex.

 

If the connection doesn't feel as special to you as is does to her, move on. That's one of the reasons she wants to take it slow. To have confidence that the feelings are mutual.

[silvermercy]

How do you know? Are you talking about your own difficulty to change your sexual habits or are you making assumptions out of fear? Ive known people that have been able to give up casual sex for good. I've also known sexual people that have become celibate. It's all about willpower and your beliefs. If a person can't give up their past sexual habits, they just don't want to change. For those that don't understand waiting, do your research on oxytocin in women and the impact of lasting marriages. No offense, but I can see why so many Americans have high divorce rates (Im an American too). People today just don't understand the various stages of intimacy and compatibility. They have sex right away and then they expect everything else to be bliss.

I personally don't date people who have been promiscuous in the past for whatever reason, and that's because I know people who haven't been able to change at all. So I don't trust anyone with such a past. I just can't... The people I know haven't cheated, thankfully, but they broke up with their other halves because they couldn't handle monogamy. Only one person is still married but he has admitted he's finding it very hard now. He doesn't stray or divorce his wife because he loves her (but he finds it hard).

 

I agree that skipping stages of intimacy is risky for a relationship.

[therhythm]

I've heard guys expressing the flip side of this--if they are interested in a woman for more than sex, they are content to give it more time for sex to happen. Meanwhile, if the interest is only sexual, they wouldn't wait for sex.

 

If the connection doesn't feel as special to you as is does to her, move on. That's one of the reasons she wants to take it slow. To have confidence that the feelings are mutual.

 

This is not about wanting to wait for sex. It is about you being the only one who need to wait for it.

If you are with a woman who has little to non experience in casual sex you need to understand that if you want to be with that woman you will need to wait for sex but what is ridiculous is that a woman is used to have casual sex till just six weeks ago and now OP needs to wait for sex with her, It is just silly.

[xxoo]

The point is that she can't have casual sex when she wants a relationship.

 

She feels potential with this guy. If you felt the same potential, you'd probably be happy to take it slow. If you don't, cut her loose.

 

One question-does she at least seem attracted? Do her cheeks flush and heart race when you kiss her? You can tell a lot from a passionate kiss.

[therhythm]

The point is that she can't have casual sex when she wants a relationship.

 

She feels potential with this guy. If you felt the same potential, you'd probably be happy to take it slow. If you don't, cut her loose.

 

One question-does she at least seem attracted? Do her cheeks flush and heart race when you kiss her? You can tell a lot from a passionate kiss.

 

There is where I do not agree, you can have sex early in a relationship... in fact I have never dated a woman for more than 2 dates without having sex. I am maybe a wrong example but there are lots of people who end up in a relationship even when having sex early in the dating phase.

 

If I would be the guy who has to be waiting for sex I would feel she maybe like my company and she like me as a person but is not sexually attracted to me in the same way she is with the guys she just have sex with (total deal breaker for me!)... and I will be right on the money!

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Dated girl for three weeks. She says she wants to wait to have sex until the relationship is more than just sex and more meaningful. At the same time, she has previously mentioned that she has a few fwb (friends with benefits). She claims she hasn't had sex in more than 6 weeks, but wtf is this nonsense?

 

She'll have sex with some random guy, but make me wait? Thinking of just dumping her and moving on.

 

Women just make up the dating rules as they see fit. As a society, we give them the power to do so.

 

She doesn't sound like girlfriend material. I'd move on.

[boaaaar]

Be intimate with other people - when she's not intimate with any - that's a clever idea and will for sure help you build a nice little relationship there!

It's not like she helps a lot too heh. To summarize my post in a more straightforward way, it basically reads like this : "Save your decency for decent people. If they're not decent, ditch them if you don't want to play at their level".

[fortyninethousand322]

Dated girl for three weeks. She says she wants to wait to have sex until the relationship is more than just sex and more meaningful. At the same time, she has previously mentioned that she has a few fwb (friends with benefits). She claims she hasn't had sex in more than 6 weeks, but wtf is this nonsense?

 

She'll have sex with some random guy, but make me wait? Thinking of just dumping her and moving on.

 

As far as I'm aware (and I'm not generally aware) FWB are usually not "random people" but rather someone you just want to sleep with but not date.

 

That being said, I think having rules like that is just a bad idea. It feels too regimented, like one is going by a guidebook rather than on their own volition.

 

My bet is a girl who does that is probably still sleeping with her FWB while dating the "serious" guy.

[xxoo]

There is where I do not agree, you can have sex early in a relationship... in fact I have never dated a woman for more than 2 dates without having sex. I am maybe a wrong example but there are lots of people who end up in a relationship even when having sex early in the dating phase.

 

If I would be the guy who has to be waiting for sex I would feel she maybe like my company and she like me as a person but is not sexually attracted to me in the same way she is with the guys she just have sex with (total deal breaker for me!)... and I will be right on the money!

 

You can have sex early in a relationship.

 

She possibly can't, maybe because of being burned.

 

FWIW, when dating my H, it was sexual before it was serious. I understand that sex CAN precede a relationship. But I also understand that many people, after many different dating experiences, take things slower when they really like a person. They don't want to screw it up.

 

BUT--if that is the case, her interest should be more than obvious in other ways. If she thinks of you as special, she should be making you a priority with her time and attention. And her sexual interest should be obvious. If there is any question whether she is really into you, she probably isn't.

[Casablanca]

She may want to see how much you like her and that you're just not in it for sex. Sex can also cloud judgement early on until you make a decision on how much you like someone.

 

Nothing wrong with a FWB in the past, she hasn't been with them in 6 weeks, you've been dating for 3 weeks. She is focusing on you and wants to see where it goes.

 

I don't think its hypocritical to have had a FWB, but want to wait a few weeks/couple months to see how the relationship goes before sex. FWB has one angle, satisfying sex. A relationship has a lot more than just one angle.

[JohnP82]

I'm of two minds. Three weeks isn't that long to date I suppose so not having sex yet doesn't seem that bad. However I'm also of the mind that your girl has had casual sex, and yet no sex with you because you're actually dating her?

 

I'd give it one more week.

[Casablanca]

Unfortunately sometimes women will have sex faster with someone we are not serious about than a guy we want a relationship with. I don't know why it's like this, it just is.

Makes sense to me, women have sexual needs and a woman will rarely be rejected at a sexual advance. There are people I'd hook up with right away with and would be fine making a move, if I got rejected no problem, but if its someone I'm interested in, I won't quite make a sexual advance right away, and see how things play out

[joystickd]

Dated girl for three weeks. She says she wants to wait to have sex until the relationship is more than just sex and more meaningful. At the same time, she has previously mentioned that she has a few fwb (friends with benefits). She claims she hasn't had sex in more than 6 weeks, but wtf is this nonsense?

 

She'll have sex with some random guy, but make me wait? Thinking of just dumping her and moving on.

Take the casual sex out and the bold is the problem. It's just a way to control the dynamic of the relationship. What makes a woman think waiting will make the relationship more meaningful? What if he is just playing the role then how would you feel? It's very easy to wait if I'm having sex with someone while I'm talking to you. What is the benefit for the other person that has to wait? What is so special about you that makes waiting a priority? How do we know how you genuinely feel about us? How do we know this isn't just some BS game? A lot of questions to think about.

[Casablanca]

Take the casual sex out and the bold is the problem. It's just a way to control the dynamic of the relationship. What makes a woman think waiting will make the relationship more meaningful? What if he is just playing the role then how would you feel? It's very easy to wait if I'm having sex with someone while I'm talking to you. What is the benefit for the other person that has to wait? What is so special about you that makes waiting a priority? How do we know how you genuinely feel about us? How do we know this isn't just some BS game? A lot of questions to think about.

Why does it have to be a game or control thing? Why can't someone just not want to sleep with someone until they've made a clear decision about how much they like someone? Not everything is a power play

[jaQ3]

She wants you!

 

When we're growing up we're told that men like the chase and will basically dump you and move on if you give it up too fast. Therefore she's hold out because she wants to keep you around. you're a step or 3 above the fwb.

[ascendotum]

And how that risk is not there with her fwb's? If a woman is capable of casual sex is because she is very well capable to separate sex and love.

 

I see what you try to say and it may be a valid reason for a woman no to have sex at the beginning of a relationship when she is not used to casual sex, but a woman who is used to just have sex for the shake of it and is just not wiling to do it for the OP is very telling.

 

About the point of the guy being judgmental, I don't think she is scared of that when she has told him that she has various fwb's, I think that is not a possibility.

 

While I understand the female perspective on this, and why they don't want to rush into sex when they want to make a good impression on the guy and also avoid another 'fade away after sex guy', from the analytical male point of view I totally get the perspective in this post & the OP. I think a lot of guys would view from this angle, and no doubt more so the ones who aren't getting such women when when they are bang up for 'nsa/f@@k first ask question later' action with them. Women certainly have the right to go with whatever approach they want when it comes to a guy, just like guys don't have to be accepting of their allocation. (fun loving dirty girl guy or nice cautious good girl guy...assuming they are aware the woman has different rules for different guys).

 

She was upfront at least which is commendable. I find some single women keep their private life private, but you find out from their friends they are getting nsa. Others I know I get the impression they describe any guy they are having sex with as a bf, (maybe habit or for some to make the relationship more respectable) but when you get details about the relationship, its clearly casual with no obligations for the guy. Then there are other women who are totally upfront & enjoy doing FWBs, when its on their terms + the sex is great + the guy is hot + others in the social group have done it. Once it started to hit mainstream (movies, tv shows), it seemed to become a bit trendy even. Even though men are eager sponsors of the fwb concept, I agree with Revolver's post. Many guy's wont buy that they are the more special one when they get more rules & expectations. If the girl in this post gets any flack from her fwb times with the OP, chances are those fwb's will be called bfs with her next bf prospect.

[hestheone66]

As women, we are slowly regaining our power with centuries of having been subjugated to male privilege.

 

Since women do not need men to provide for their material well being, and we have access to reproductive control, it is only natural for social behaviour to revert to a natural state... ie.. realistically, women are more likely to be able to choose between suitors for their attetion, affection and sexual favours.

 

Many men have grown up with the mis-understanding of women being 'theirs for the taking' as many women were disempowered under patriarchy. Women have kept themselves 'nice' and been discriminating on who they choose to engage in sexual relationships as they typically had a reproductive burden.

 

However, either men have to improve so they can compete or accept that women will choose widely, often for differing reasons. We have this phenomenon of FWB, and despite people thinking this is a 'new' phenomenon, it is most certainly not.. if you ask French women, it is almost expected for them to take a lover, keep it discreet etc.. marriage in the past actually protected them, as if they became pregnant, their husband may never know the resultant offspring was not his.

 

My advice on this particular original post has to do with the woman choosing to disclose honestly that she is a woman who has choices. Who is to say that all of her FWBs are not good men, but she would prefer not to develop into relationships with them (eg they may be great in bed, but married or have other obstructions). She thinks she has found someone who is likely to make her happy in (perhaps) a monogamous relationship and provided the sex is up to standard, may well easily give up the attentions of other men.

 

Now.. does it make rational sense for her to forgo a good sexual connection with men who satisfy her, with the risk of breaking in a new man who is unproven? Would many guys fortunate enough to be in her position of choice, decide the same outcome as she has> would any of them be brave enough to be open about it with a new partner?

 

All you guys who are judging her, are you just jealous that you haven't got the choice she has? And as for the OP< why aren't you flattered that she is hoping you are more than just sex for her?

 

I am an intelligent woman with many options regarding my social life. I have been in her place. I am not a woman of loose morals, nor am I 'desperate', just highly sought after. I have been well satisfied with my current lover for over a year, have progressed to a deep respect and understanding, and yes, he was aware when we started that in the recent past I (as had he) had been involved on a purely sexual level with other men.

 

Grow up and realise that women have the right to sexual pleasure, and they will seek it if a man is not up to the task (believe that is reflected in the Jewish marriage laws, that a woman can seek divorce if she is sexually frustrated in her marriage)

 

Go with the flow and don't seek to control her as she's not doing that to you I assume?

 

Cheers

[joystickd]

Many men have grown up with the mis-understanding of women being 'theirs for the taking' as many women were disempowered under patriarchy. Women have kept themselves 'nice' and been discriminating on who they choose to engage in sexual relationships as they typically had a reproductive burden.

 

Not all groups of women have been disempowered by patriarchy as a matter of fact some groups are matriarchal.