juststarry6443 Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 Through the numerous times I have found myself wondering if I should end my relationship. I have always come to a conclusion that I should. Before I ever decide to, I always talk to him about our current issues first and somehow he's always convincing even if I've heard it many time before. & I keep waiting and waiting for change or that maybe one day he will do something so undeniably wrong I have to leave. Now I just think the reasons I have to leave is not enough because those reasons I do have he says that he's working on fixing them. &Even if I know what's right &even if I know I've given him too many chances I still don't listen to myself. I think I'm running out of reasons why I stay. &I can't seem to distinguish if this is me being in love with him that's preventing me from leaving or me caring for him too much and not wanting to give up on him.
CelticGibson Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 Someone who is in love would not even think of leaving a relationship, save for serious issues like abuse or worse. In your case, I think what's holding you back is that you care for him and you love him but you are not in love with him. He has said that he's working on the issues that you wish for him to fix but yet you are still here wondering whether it's enough or to end it or not. I think that you may have already decided, based on what you have written, and you are looking for a reason that validates your decision. It has passed the point of no return now. Just let the guy go and let him move on. It will be better for you both in the long run.
TaraMaiden Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 If you keep drawing lines in the sand, and he keeps over-stepping them, and you just walk backwards ands draw another line in the sand, and he steps over that one too, and then you walk backwards again.... This lather-rinse-repeat pattrern is yours to suck up. Stop. Evaluate his actions against yours. IS he 'improving' or is he just SAYING he will improve? because actions speak louder than words.... Just like yours. You keep SAYING you're going to walk - but you're just mouthing threats. Quit talking so much about what you will do if *this, that or the other* doesn't happen, and evaluate the relationship from a "3rd person" position. What's happening here? How good/constructive is it? What is the desired outcome? What is it YOU want? And is it a 'happening thing'...? 1
Author juststarry6443 Posted May 11, 2013 Author Posted May 11, 2013 I guess I should change the title because it's more like "I can't seem to act upon my decision even if I know it's right."
imtooconfused Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 I guess I should change the title because it's more like "I can't seem to act upon my decision even if I know it's right." A very good bit of self analysis. Most people would not even recognize the distinction. The answer to your question lies in the answer to my question... Why are you afraid of leaving? Why does being in a relationship that you know you shouldn't be in seem better than being on your own? 1
Author juststarry6443 Posted May 11, 2013 Author Posted May 11, 2013 The thought of being alone does not cross my mind at all. He's my first boyfriend and I guess you can say I still know how it feels like to be alone (we use to be long distance also). & I suppose what's holding me back is that I still see him in my future as my future husband and father to my kids just not with me right now. I know I'm still too young to even see that now, but I feel as if that I will miss out on that future I see with us if I don't just stick it out. I don't believe in that whole if you love him let him go and if he comes back he's yours forever. I don't feel like we would ever come back. If he's mine now I should keep him forever, no? 1
SimonSerenade Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 It's hard to give you an opinion without really knowing the extent of your problems, were all human and change doesn't just come over night, it just isn't in our nature, a lot of people I've known through out my time leave relationships for silly reasons, one of the reasons I've seen the most is due to having unrealistic expectations and no matter how many relationships they end up in, they end all the same, I think somebody should be accepted for who they are instead of the person you want them to be, if you wanted that so bad you shouldn't of been with this person in the first place, I think movies and tv shows put us in to that mind set, everybody wants and expects the fairly tale, my grandparents both have good and bad points but through it all they always stuck together and they've been happy for 50+ years, I think people need to make the decision with there heart rather than there head, unless it falls down to cheating or emotional\physical abuse , look at it from both perspectives and make sure you make the right and final decision. I expected way too much from my ex and without noticing I tried to change her completely, in the end it was what probably pushed hèr away and put such a strain on our relationship, don't make that mistake, if you feel you can't be happy with what you've got on the table then you probably aren't mean to be but if you can accept what's there and the guy makes you happy then it's not worth throwing away, just because you feel the person your with isn't enough doesn't always mean somebody else will be.
imtooconfused Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 (edited) I suppose what's holding me back is that I still see him in my future as my future husband and father to my kids just not with me right now. That's quite a stunning endorsement of your BF. Not many people would be able to make such a positive sounding statement after having indicated a concrete desire to breakup. Perhaps as SimonSerenade has said, your expectations are bigger than any current or future partner can be expected to fill. Without knowing your situation (and I really don't ask to know), I offer some further questions that you can ask yourself. Do you feel there are any men who would be able to fulfill you image of the perfect partner? Not just better where your current BF is weak, but strong in all the categories you expect? Are you willing to be at all flexible to accept and overlook your BF's limitations (aside from abuse) in order to achieve that husband and father of your children that you seek? What if your partner asked you to change in a way that was difficult for you, would he be justified in leaving? The absolute perfect partner may be out there, but the chances of finding that person amongst the 7 billion or so other people out there is pretty slim. Edited May 12, 2013 by imtooconfused
kalena9488 Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 We may be probably 20 or so years apart in age but our stories are very similar. But my issue is specifically weed and money. Listening to the advice given from the posters to your question I think they have answered mine as well. I know what I need to do. I'm successful on and in my own right and don't need to be in a relationship that doesn't enhance my life. Good luck to you! The thought of being alone does not cross my mind at all. He's my first boyfriend and I guess you can say I still know how it feels like to be alone (we use to be long distance also). & I suppose what's holding me back is that I still see him in my future as my future husband and father to my kids just not with me right now. I know I'm still too young to even see that now, but I feel as if that I will miss out on that future I see with us if I don't just stick it out. I don't believe in that whole if you love him let him go and if he comes back he's yours forever. I don't feel like we would ever come back. If he's mine now I should keep him forever, no?
emva07 Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 I spent the last 3 years doing the same thing....never changed and never did. Imagine....right now you can walk away whenever you want and he STILL doesn't change and you are miserable. Now imagine getting married and having kids? That will be your excuse to stay. And he will know that and do it even more and never stop because "eh, she doesn't want to divorce" "she will never leave me, we have kids together and would not want to break up the family" Do you want to live a miserable life??? You are so young and cute, you WILL find someone who treats you like a queen, its not him, if he's not changing he is selfish and is putting his needs before yours and since he knows he can get away with it, why wouldn't he?
emva07 Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 (edited) what i ended up telling my boyfriend is, that i need a man who respects me and treats me like a queen and that that man is not him, that i have given him a million chances and that he never cared because he always knew i'd come back. To let me go because I deserve to be happy and he is not the man to give that to me. I have too much to offer to settle. I'm sure there is a woman out there to accept his behavior and be miserable but that is not me. For me, I am single but I am so happy knowing that I no longer spend my days sad and crying, and I am so happy to know that a better man is in my future. A man who will marry me and be a loving man to our children. Please, don't settle, you have a whole life ahead of you. We all want a future with someone, and when we love someone it's natural to see a future with them, but if you see a future with him imagine what your future will be with THE ONE? My sadness was that too, i saw a future with him, kids and all, but then i thought, but do i want to deal with the pain of his lies while I'm pregnant? going through stress at work? through going back to school? through getting older? the answer is NO. Because these are all moments where him not changing will make you even more self conscious then you are now. Imagine being fat and pregnant, fragile and having to deal with suffering that he is still not changing? Don't just think about the future you want. Think about a lifetime of feeling the way you are feeling now. Because I'm sorry to tell you but that's what it's going to be. One of two things will happen, you will accept a lifelong of being miserable with him OR you will eventually end up getting a divorce later on (much more painful if kids are involved).....you already have your answer....it's only a matter of time when it happens. Edited May 12, 2013 by emva07 1
kalena9488 Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 This is so true ive got to stand up for myself and end my relationship for good. It isnt going anywhere anyway.
emva07 Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 (edited) right, because at this point these are all empty threats, he's not changing, and you aren't leaving. If you marry him his frame of thought will be "I haven't changed and she STILL married me, green light to NEVER change" And it won't stop there...."she takes it and I get marriage as a reward? let's see how much further I can go, how much more she is willing to tolerate!" Why would you want that for your future? Divorces aren't cheap, might as well break up now for free. Edited May 12, 2013 by emva07 1
Author juststarry6443 Posted May 12, 2013 Author Posted May 12, 2013 We may be probably 20 or so years apart in age but our stories are very similar. But my issue is specifically weed and money. Listening to the advice given from the posters to your question I think they have answered mine as well. I know what I need to do. I'm successful on and in my own right and don't need to be in a relationship that doesn't enhance my life. Good luck to you! Funny thing part of our problems is about weed and money, but it wasn't always tht and he tells me to give him some time and he'll figure himself out and I guess I'm just waiting for tht
emva07 Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 (edited) "PART of our problems"???? Let me guess, he's also a womanizer? is always out with the boys? Well you have the answer, follow you're gut. You already know what awaits with him in your future. Edited May 12, 2013 by emva07
imtooconfused Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 To have an expectation of not doing weed and being responsible with money are indeed very reasonable. This makes me think that your image of him being the fine husband and perfect father are just fantasies in your mind, not the reality of the person you are currently dating. I don't think that I would want to raise children in that environment. My one cardinal truth of relationships is that the behavior that you would most like to change about your partner will never change the way you want it to, and will most likely get worse. You either have to accept it and ignore it from here on, or realize it's time to move on.
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