CelticGibson Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 Na49 is right. If she wanted to try again she would let you know. Women will act if it's in their interest to do so. No amount of fear would prevent this. If you break NC in the hope that it will give you the answers you seek then you must be prepared to be set back quite a lot. The fact that you are still caught up in her proves that any negative outcome will have a bad effect on you. However it's your call. If you feel it will help then do it. Contact her to hear how great her life is and that she isn't bothered one bit. Only then will you know how it feels... Best of luck...
Author Echo000 Posted May 11, 2013 Author Posted May 11, 2013 1. i dont think my situation is unique like na49 states. just cuz i wanna break no contact does not mean i think my situation is special or different. 2. celticgibson you may be right..but how can you make such a blanket analysis of how women behave? Some people are stubborn, and want to reach out yet dont for a variety of reasons (she could be scared I have moved on for example, and doesnt wanna get hurt herself). My point is, again, you could be totally 100% right. She could not care at all, and i am asking for absolute rejection and (maybe) a setback. But how can we just assume these things. And im sticking to what i said..there was no clear dumper/dumpee at the end. Just because I hurt a lot and am on LS does not mean she was the classic dumper and i the dumpee. I felt pain, so joined a site where others felt pain as well over a similar experience. Guess what i am trying to say, its almost depressing out pessimistic people seem to be here. I get being cautious, and wishing to avoid any unneccesary pain, but just cutting the person out 100 percent FOREVER seems appropriate at times and silly at other times. Advocates of a black and white perspective, with zero hope for any positive outcome. And that outcome does not need even be reconciliation or anything close to that. how about the strength in contacting someone you loved and being okay with it? I dont wanna regret never opening my mouth because people told me she has a new boyfriend and is living it up. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 I wouldn't break it until you become indifferent. Until their response (or lack of it) wouldn't affect your day for more than five minutes. In reading the tea leaves on your posting, you don't seem to be there yet. This "looking for closure" thing concerns me, because a) the odds of them giving you complete closure are small and b) if they do respond, it'll almost certainly spark more questions on your side unless you barely care. I don't think you are at that stage yet. But if you really think you are, wait a few more weeks to see if your indifference holds. If it does, reach out. If there's any anxiety, don't. 2
na49 Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 I feel like you think your situation is different when you say stuff like this. The dumper/dumpee was actually NOT clear- you label me delusional but it really was not. And she did contact me twice actually--i have kept silent. What does this even mean? I'll be honest, I don't know your story, but when a relationship ends. One person ends it and the other person has it ended for them. We're not being pessimistic, we're just not living in hollywood fantasy land but it's usually safer to assume the worst with situations like this to avoid more hurt. I don't want use my situation as an example because I don't want you to get your hopes up, but just because you go NC doesn't mean you NEVER talk to them again. If they reach out to you and want to try things again, you can try things again, and if you feel like you've matured it will have a better chance of working than if you get back together a week after breaking up. (That sounds like me making excuses for my situation and I guess it kind of is) Call her, text her, make sure you say everything you want to say and have a conversation with her. What's the worst that could happen? You feel depressed for a few weeks? Okay, you'll get over it. What's better? Holding it in and climbing the walls or airing it out and saying what you want to say? Do what you need to do. As long as you're okay with the outcome, you'll be fine. We just feel like if you need to make a thread about this instead of just doing it, you might not be ready. 2
CelticGibson Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 Maybe a generalization but the odds speak for themselves, hence the No Contact guide that was built from many people's experiences. Just because you were okay after doing it doesn't mean he will. No Contact is NOT for forever. It's to get you to the stage where you are indifferent. Then you can open the channels of communication if you so wish and whatever the outcome, you won't be in pain because of it. People will do what it takes to get in touch if they want it badly enough. There are no excuses that would stop them and that's the truth... 2
Author Echo000 Posted May 12, 2013 Author Posted May 12, 2013 ok guys..ima wait a few weeks. if i still feel the way i do, ima go for it. and if i dont..i will continue. because i agree with this: if i feel anxiety like i do about it then i am not ready to do it. so for now, i wont. 6
Author Echo000 Posted May 12, 2013 Author Posted May 12, 2013 Broke no contact last night-- idk just did it. Guess i didnt wait a few weeks. She loves me still and cares..and wants to see me in a couple weeks. Very sweet, very kind, said she always wanted to contact me but didnt think i cared and also was still hurt so she didnt. She wants me to call again. I dont feel contact high, dont feel really up, dont feel down at all. I feel fine. Sure it helps that the convo was so positive (and honest, with no bullsh**) but i really feel i was going to be fine regardless. Got more options than i had yesterday. And that is nice. im glad i did it. 2
na49 Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 and you didn't burst into flames or God didn't send meteors down on your house. See! Breaking NC isn't the end of your world. 1
itto ogami Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Officially Two Months NC and I feel like i've crossed a threshold. The ex is becoming a hazy memory of person I thought I knew. A month ago I was on the floor crying. Time and resilience take care of the pain. NC was the hardest thing I've done but the best in many ways.
JourneyLady Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 (edited) I don't know your story, but when a relationship ends. One person ends it and the other person has it ended for them. That's not always how it happens. In my more recent "break-up", he said something in email that, due to past experiences with others, I assumed he meant it was over. Come to find out that is NOT what he meant - he just needed some time. But by my assuming he was over it, things were said and done that basically did stop the relationship and I can tell that for the foreseeable future, the mistakes I made from assuming lost his attraction to me. So no. Sometimes a relationship is over over. Sometimes, it's just that someone needs to do something different to start all over with the person they love. It happens in a lot of cases where the lady wants to get married eventually, waits too long and sees that she should give up. Maybe the guy needs to propose. Maybe someone needs to give up drinking or drugs or get done with school. Whatever - relationships aren't always as done as we think. Maybe a husband needs to get his affair over with... No, it's not always clear, in my experience. I'm done with my 5 year ex. If he had been able to man up and get off pot, go to work, and propose, it's possible I could have eventually gotten over the resentment that killed what I felt for him. But it's possible hell could freeze over before that happens. I don't think he loved me enough to have done all that. The more recent ex, all he'd have to do is let me know he is still attracted to me as more than a friend. Then it wouldn't be over. But that doesn't seem too likely either. So sometimes people do need to talk things over far removed from the problem and once they are somewhat less emotionally involved and gotten their life back. Edited May 13, 2013 by JourneyLady specifics 1
imtooconfused Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Echo000, I am sincerely glad it's working out for you.
cavalier99 Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Broke no contact last night-- idk just did it. Guess i didnt wait a few weeks. She loves me still and cares..and wants to see me in a couple weeks. Very sweet, very kind, said she always wanted to contact me but didnt think i cared and also was still hurt so she didnt. She wants me to call again. I dont feel contact high, dont feel really up, dont feel down at all. I feel fine. Sure it helps that the convo was so positive (and honest, with no bullsh**) but i really feel i was going to be fine regardless. Got more options than i had yesterday. And that is nice. im glad i did it. Hope your right. I would have waited a few more months. Keep us posted. Be careful. This contact might have been ok but it is easy to get sucked in and pull out your stiches. 1
Minneloa Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Broke no contact last night-- idk just did it. Guess i didnt wait a few weeks. She loves me still and cares..and wants to see me in a couple weeks. Very sweet, very kind, said she always wanted to contact me but didnt think i cared and also was still hurt so she didnt. She wants me to call again. I dont feel contact high, dont feel really up, dont feel down at all. I feel fine. Sure it helps that the convo was so positive (and honest, with no bullsh**) but i really feel i was going to be fine regardless. Got more options than i had yesterday. And that is nice. im glad i did it. Hi Echo, Like others here, I'm feeling a little protective of you. Of course, it's your life and your choice. That said, breaking NC can often be a slippery slope of false hope and breadcrumbs. I sincerely hope that it's not for you. One thing that stood out in your post is that you feel you have more options now. Could you elaborate on this? M.
Author Echo000 Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 we met up today. She is still in love with me, and i do still love her. We only hung out for an hour and a half, short and sweet. All positive without talking about the relationship or rehashing any negativity. She leaned forward after we said goodbye and we ended up kissing (really making out) for a bit. She is back out of town again in a few days, and idk if ill see her again. That was the FIRST time i had seen her in almost five months and only after very limited contact (before which was four solid months of NC). Idk what will happen in the future..dont know what i want or what is best. We are young, she is considering moving away across the country to continue university, so i have no intention of running into anything at all. But regardless, it was a positive experience because it was right for me. And i feel stronger for making it through it, even if i have a low moment or two because of it. I felt like sharing. People like Cav are honest. So i will be too. 1
Jono85 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 She is still in love with you? Call me a pessimist, negative Nancy, whatever you want but IF she dumped you and you didn't want that and you guys went 4 months NC where she texted you a couple times but you ultimately broke NC to speak with her, I find it impossible that she was still in love with you during that time. I don't know your story, just going off this thread. But I could never buy that from an ex. Ppl don't just dump ppl they are in love with when the other person wants to work on things and just go months+ being content with the situation. Just doesn't happen. Good luck anyway.
Author Echo000 Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 i shall call you a pessimist haha. i get what your saying..and i can see the logic in it. but to start, it was a mutual break up. People have the impression that those who end up here are always the dumpee, but it actually was a neutral choice (one that i pushed harder for originally, if truth be told). And another thing-- dumpers can break up even when they are in love with another person. I have seen/read about it a number of times. The person is moving away and just cant do long distance/religious differences/overall right person but wrong timing. Point is, looking at the world in such black and white terms makes the world, well black and white. All the other colors, you leave out. Not the best perspective. Also, as a side note..i want to say that i dont know if my ex and i will ever be together again. We both love each other, but that doesnt mean it would work out or that its ultimately the best fit. Sometimes you love someone that you cant/shouldnt necessarily be with. And while it can bring pain, it also can bring peace to know that that is okay. Just my two cents. 2
inaya42 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 (edited) sometimes breaking NC results in a more affectionate, less emotionally charged goodbye -- which can leave both parties feeling a bit more balanced and content. this can also undo the dumper/dumpee distinction after some healing has taken place. how would you respond to/ understand an apology from an ex that doesn't end with a promise for change or wish for reconciliation, an apology that concludes with "best wishes in the future"? would this be considered a breadcrumb? would you break NC to respond? Edited May 29, 2013 by inaya42
destroyed4sho Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 i shall call you a pessimist haha. i get what your saying..and i can see the logic in it. but to start, it was a mutual break up. People have the impression that those who end up here are always the dumpee, but it actually was a neutral choice (one that i pushed harder for originally, if truth be told). And another thing-- dumpers can break up even when they are in love with another person. I have seen/read about it a number of times. The person is moving away and just cant do long distance/religious differences/overall right person but wrong timing. Point is, looking at the world in such black and white terms makes the world, well black and white. All the other colors, you leave out. Not the best perspective. Also, as a side note..i want to say that i dont know if my ex and i will ever be together again. We both love each other, but that doesnt mean it would work out or that its ultimately the best fit. Sometimes you love someone that you cant/shouldnt necessarily be with. And while it can bring pain, it also can bring peace to know that that is okay. Just my two cents. I am glad this all worked out for you. You see it as positive right now, but lets see in a couple of weeks how you will feel. I forsee you having a meltdown and hitting a very low place a week after you start to feel rejected again. I hope not though. Some people need this type of closure early on, but it is not for everyone especially when you are only in month 4 of NC. Most people peak on month 3 and 4, meaning they start to realize and accept it is over, no hope left.....a really emotional point that turns into the beginning of the acceptance stage. Its been more than 8 months for me? I have stopped counting but I am still not indifferent and cannot contact her or have the closure lunch date. I wonder if the having the closure lunch date early on helps speed up the healing process along. Let us know Echo, thx.
destroyed4sho Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 how would you respond to/ understand an apology from an ex that doesn't end with a promise for change or wish for reconciliation, an apology that concludes with "best wishes in the future"? would this be considered a breadcrumb? would you break NC to respond? This breadcrumb is called the guilt breadcrumb. It was sent purely for selfish reasons....to help ease THEIR guilt. Any response will assist in accomplishing their mission. 4
Author Echo000 Posted May 29, 2013 Author Posted May 29, 2013 i know you mean well but im so tired of you and other peoples pessimism..its not constructive at all. What am i supposed to do with that type of comment destroyed4sho? "i predict a meltdown and for you to hit a low point..". Such negativity with ZERO constructiveness about it. I feel like so many are on here not simply because of heartbreak, but because of the general negativity as well. Such negativity to me is simply a form of weakness. And im sure i will get a response having to do with reality- "well echo we are just trying to be realistic". What kind of reality do you live in? 1
Jono85 Posted May 29, 2013 Posted May 29, 2013 i know you mean well but im so tired of you and other peoples pessimism..its not constructive at all. What am i supposed to do with that type of comment destroyed4sho? "i predict a meltdown and for you to hit a low point..". Such negativity with ZERO constructiveness about it. I feel like so many are on here not simply because of heartbreak, but because of the general negativity as well. Such negativity to me is simply a form of weakness. And im sure i will get a response having to do with reality- "well echo we are just trying to be realistic". What kind of reality do you live in? the real reality? if you've ever noticed on here, or anywhere really, that all of our input really doesn't matter in the slightest. you're going to do what you're going to do. "you guys are right, i'll wait a month and if i still feel anxious about everything i won't contact her..." - a day later - "so i msged her last night...". no one's going to stop you from doing what you want to do. that being said, if you want to get the most out of this forum, you should want honest opinions and answers from people with lots of experience. i don't see that it serves anyone for the better to just fill your head with roses and fluff "yeah echo this sounds amazing, the foundation for a long and lasting love life...". if that's all you want to hear, you're probably in the wrong place. i doubt anyone here WANTS you to go through pain. i think that's actually why you'll hear negativity; in the slight hope your rational brain kicks in and sees what we see. 2
GB25 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 (edited) Well maybe just mayyyyybe he was able to see her and have a nice conversation and even share a kiss and walk away feeling content and fulfilled... why does it always have to be " ohhh man in 2 weeks you are gonna be suicidal, and have a full blown anxiety attack and etc etc..." Maybe all those months of NC really truly healed him and he was able to see her and leave feeling..well....ok about it and content..not sad and no emotional meltdown Maybe he will have a hangover and he will deal with it accordingly, but i dont think so...I think the meeting between them was therapuetic and he walked away with no regrets two people who parted ways who truly love each other can meet again after time has passed and catch up without all the emotional repercussions and sadness after its over Edited May 30, 2013 by GB25 1
imtooconfused Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 It's not negativity. It's experience. Your post has so much truth, it can't be argued with and would be foolish to ignore. Trying to channel those intense feelings into something so limiting as a friendship - it's like stuffing clothes into a full suitcase. Sooner or later they'll spill out everywhere and can't be contained. This just happened to me today, and the suitcase busted open very badly. 2
itto ogami Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 It sounds like he wants reassurance that he's ready to break NC. Or support. And if he can do it and have no post contact burn, then awesome. But it sounds like echo is looking for something else. And I get it. I have thoughts of an emotional meeting with my ex and how good that initial re-contact might feel. But then you're left with the reality of the situation and what do you want to get out of it?
cavalier99 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 (edited) As most of you know i met up with my ex of 8 years after about 7 months of NC. Staying NC was critical in getting over her. That being said I have had no negative reaction to breaking NC when i saw her earlier this month so it is possible. And i have had a couple convesations since and my new girl is aware of this. All i feel is a cetain fondness for her and i hope her new RS works out. I wouldnt go as fas as saying we are friends but we are FRIENDLY and still care for one another in a platonic way. We even joked about going out on a double date with our new significant others. (Not happeneing ) at this point im just grateful to her that we broke up. She did me a favor. I have a better RS (big time upgrade) and im not stuck in a stagnant RS. Plus all the growth from the BU was great in retrospect. I am a much stronger individual now. All of you will be greatful at some point that you went thru this. I just dont have a romantic emotional connection to her any more. That bond was severed with hard core NC a lot of pain, healing and growth. So it is possible to be in contact but i wouldnt risk it untill indifferent or if you are harbouring any hope of reconcilliation. Rock on! Cav Edited May 30, 2013 by cavalier99
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