Sometimes NC runs its course

May 11, 2013

Im starting to think that sometimes, NC isnt what is best.

Its been nearly four months for me and there has practically been no contact..and i have never initiated anything at all. not once.

and after four months..i have lately become mentally tortured. wondering this and that..its the not knowing (about the other person, what they are thinking or feeling or doing at all) that is KILLING me.

Maybe, sometimes, NC runs its course and that suspense and drama that has been built up through silence needs to end. Maybe, that rejection (if indeed that is what is waiting for you) is what one needs to move on. Maybe i need to contact her, and be ignored or basically rejected (like an "im doing good have a nice life" response) in order to realize..damn this is done. for good. and NC isnt really a "thing" anymore..its just the way it is.

SO, f*** it. ima break no contact. I cant do this anymore. im amazed how good i have been the past four months.

May 11, 2013

Im starting to think that sometimes, NC isnt what is best.

Its been nearly four months for me and there has practically been no contact..and i have never initiated anything at all. not once.

and after four months..i have lately become mentally tortured. wondering this and that..its the not knowing (about the other person, what they are thinking or feeling or doing at all) that is KILLING me.

Maybe, sometimes, NC runs its course and that suspense and drama that has been built up through silence needs to end. Maybe, that rejection (if indeed that is what is waiting for you) is what one needs to move on. Maybe i need to contact her, and be ignored or basically rejected (like an "im doing good have a nice life" response) in order to realize..damn this is done. for good. and NC isnt really a "thing" anymore..its just the way it is.

SO, f*** it. ima break no contact. I cant do this anymore. im amazed how good i have been the past four months.

I feel as if this is going to end badly.

May 11, 2013

The suspense and drama that has been created through the silence? There is none. It's done with. Anything that you are thinking, had been created by you. Change your mindset, change your reaction, change the outcome.

May 11, 2013

I think there is more to No Contact than just not talking to your ex, like bettering yourself, meeting new people, picking up new hobbies, etc. If you just sit around thinking and pondering about your ex, who they are with, what they are doing, are they thinking about me, bleh. The point is your not going to get over her unless you take this thing by the neck and move on with your life and put her in the rear view mirror.

Edited May 11, 2013 by blotter

May 11, 2013

Echo bro I feel ya man, like you the months of "what if" piled on and on and I felt I was using no contact as a shield....like I was horrified of finding anything about her and I hated myself for that. I didnt like being scared of her and thats exactly what I was..scared of her. So I broke 3 months of silence last week. I called her..to my complete surprise she answered and we chatted and she said she wanted to meet me and then flaked....so overall..do i regret it? Not at all..i faced my fear and I know where I stand. She never apologized for blowing me off..so yes I NEEDED that final "rejection" if thats what you wanna call it..and i feel great..i kept NC for a long time and my setback was minimal but I faced my fear and i am A ok

May 11, 2013

Blotter is right. No Contact is a time out for you to get your sh*t together and move on. It's not for sitting around ruminating on the ex or the relationship that floundered.

If the ex gets back in touch in the meantime, you should be well on your way to working on yourself, socialising and, hopefully expanding your dating interests.

If by the time they do get in touch you may have moved on so much that you won't even consider going back. It's a win win all around...

May 11, 2013

Im starting to think that sometimes, NC isnt what is best.

Its been nearly four months for me and there has practically been no contact..and i have never initiated anything at all. not once.

and after four months..i have lately become mentally tortured. wondering this and that..its the not knowing (about the other person, what they are thinking or feeling or doing at all) that is KILLING me.

Maybe, sometimes, NC runs its course and that suspense and drama that has been built up through silence needs to end. Maybe, that rejection (if indeed that is what is waiting for you) is what one needs to move on. Maybe i need to contact her, and be ignored or basically rejected (like an "im doing good have a nice life" response) in order to realize..damn this is done. for good. and NC isnt really a "thing" anymore..its just the way it is.

SO, f*** it. ima break no contact. I cant do this anymore. im amazed how good i have been the past four months.

No Contact is not for anybody's benefit, but yours.

It's a time when you should be focusing on yourself, licking your wounds, getting to know yourself better (warts and all) and going on a massive one-person "I am so getting over this!" crusade.

If after 4 months, you still don't know that 'damn, this is done', then basically, all you've been doing is wallowing and staying stuck in 'woe is me' mode.

By 4 months, there should be absolutely not even the tiniest grain of doubt that this is damn well over.

Dude, you should be looking in the mirror and thinking "I'm awesome!".

Well, you are phukking awesome.

Start acting like it.

Read the NC Guide v v v below.....

May 11, 2013

Man if you feel like you can handle any type of response, then do it.. who cares..

May 11, 2013

Hi Echo

Someone once told me something when i was struggling for perfection (i needed to) in a certain situation, and it was the person who was helping me that said,

'The operation was a success, but the patient died.' That to me meant you can be doing everything right but it doesn't always make things better.

I don't think nc is a one size fits all. For some people, breaking it is the final goodbye and thing they need to do to really break and move on from that person, for others, it's a trigger in a cascade of contacts that will take you back to where you started in the recovery process. I believe it's down to the individual to be honest with their motives and themselves.

Good luck man with whatever you decide!

May 11, 2013

Your are still processing everything, dont crack now until indifferent. Sounds like you have a couple months go at least. Id stay NC ....but my credibilty is shot to hell. but im sure it is the right move.

At this point dont do anything while toremented. your brain is tricking you into thinking by breaking NC and knowing how happy she is in her new RS this will porpel you forward. it wont. i remember thinking like you did clearly. the month you are in was one of my worst. just keep going.

If you want to crash amd burn like me AFTER indifference then go for it then!!! lol :)Cav

Edited May 11, 2013 by cavalier99

May 11, 2013

Your are still processing everything, dont crack now until indifferent. Sounds like you have a couple months go at least. Id stay NC ....but my credibilty is shot to hell. but im sure it is the right move.

At this point dont do anything while toremented. your brain is tricking you into thinking by breaking NC and knowing how happy she is in her new RS this will porpel you forward. it wont. i remember thinking like you did clearly. the month you are in was one of my worst. just keep going.

If you want to crash amd burn like me AFTER indifference then go for it then!!! lol :)Cav

You come across as deluded man....it sounded more like you kept it all in til you finally caved and contacted her, not once but twice, and are still clinging to the notion you are indifferent? I'm not saying this to rub your face in it but...if nc is so right period, as your advice always suggests, why was it not right for you? When it comes to advising people you are a bit of a one trick pony. Any insights gleaned from breaking nc at all? It seems like you dish out the same advice but now modified due to your own hypocrisy so now it reads, 'nc nc nc until u get to at least 6 months and are indifferent'. How about the truth...you still love her and want her but it's gonna take a lot longer than you thought to get over her and going on lock down and doing the ab(n)c to recovery, isn't all that is needed...sometimes there is no clear cut way when you are the that bit older and the relationship lasted so long.

ps back to the OP, he didn't infer his ex was in a new relationship. That's your ex.

Edited May 11, 2013 by siankat

May 11, 2013

I agree with cav, breaking nc is not going to help, it's going to hurt. I've gone nc a few times and broke it by caving and trying to get in contact with her but all it does is brings you back to day/week one of the BU. 4 months of nc? That's an awesome accomplishment and you should be proud of yourself for getting to that point! After 4 months and nothing from your ex, you need to accept the fact they moved on, and you need to do the same. I know it sucks to hear, and the emotions/feelings are overwhelming but you need to think, how are you going to feel if they tell you "I'm great and I'm loving my new partner!" Is that going to help or hurt you?

May 11, 2013

PUSH THRU IT.

No one said NC is easy, its one of the hardest things to do.

It gets worse before it gets better.

I remember at 4 months I was crawling out of my skin. At 6 months it got even harder.

Think about it like a bruise, right now its turning all purple and its going to get even uglier.

Just keep on swimming.

May 11, 2013

Ps Echo, one other way to avoid breaking no contact today would be to set yourself a goal, something you really want to do for example, scale the difficult wall at a climbing club, learning all the chords on the guitar and playing along to 3 songs perfectly, or something like that, that you really want to do, and then allow yourself to contact her once you have done that (however many days/weeks/months that takes you). It's a way to learn a new skill, boost up that confidence even more so that you are in a place of plenty and in a sound state of mind if you then do decide to contact her after you have reached that goal you set. Contacting her when you are down, will put u on the back foot etc and make the real risk of rejection so much harder to handle. Hope you're ok

May 11, 2013

You come across as deluded man....it sounded more like you kept it all in til you finally caved and contacted her, not once but twice, and are still clinging to the notion you are indifferent? I'm not saying this to rub your face in it but...if nc is so right period, as your advice always suggests, why was it not right for you? When it comes to advising people you are a bit of a one trick pony. Any insights gleaned from breaking nc at all? It seems like you dish out the same advice but now modified due to your own hypocrisy so now it reads, 'nc nc nc until u get to at least 6 months and are indifferent'. How about the truth...you still love her and want her but it's gonna take a lot longer than you thought to get over her and going on lock down and doing the ab(n)c to recovery, isn't all that is needed...sometimes there is no clear cut way when you are the that bit older and the relationship lasted so long.

ps back to the OP, he didn't infer his ex was in a new relationship. That's your ex.

Hmm whatever. I dont want back or love my ex anymore. I just dont think OP is at a point to break NC. You dont know what your talking about quite frankly. I know how i feel. You dont.

i guess to cut you some slack..you are still in the midst of your BU. You cant understand yet. How could you???

Edited May 11, 2013 by cavalier99

May 11, 2013

Some people became hermits and leave civilization to reach whenever they try to reach.

Some people learn by facing the everyday problems and from daily routine.

You won't learn to deal with the feeling of being rejected/loss if you will escape. It seems people get over someone when they find a new love only.

May 11, 2013

Maybe, that rejection (if indeed that is what is waiting for you) is what one needs to move on. Maybe i need to contact her, and be ignored or basically rejected (like an "im doing good have a nice life" response) in order to realize..damn this is done.

If you went into NC trying to prove whether or not she loved you, expecting that she would be persistent in trying to contact you, then you went into it for the wrong reasons. You practice NC only when you know for certain the relationship has run its course.

NC is to give you a tool to "have a nice life," just as she is doing (which you already know is the case). I know nothing about why you broke up, but NC is the best way to put that part of your life behind you and give you some chance at finding happiness in a new relationship. By obsessing on the silence you are crushing the spirit of NC and dwelling on the past rather than moving forward.

I suggest you re-read the NC guides, follow them to the letter.

EDIT: FYI, I re-read the NC Guide and the third item is this:

Q. If I implement NC will I get my ex back?
A. Probably not, but that's not what NC is meant for. Yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, but if you're banking on NC as a way to manipulate your ex back into your life - you are in for a rude awakening.

Edited May 11, 2013 by imtooconfused

May 11, 2013

After 3 months I am not yet to the absolute point of "this is over". But my ex has said she wanted me back and did nothing to reconcile except say it, so my opinion my be skewed. I don't think any of us ever get the closure we seek because the closure has to come from within us. Even knowing that our ex's are out dating other people and living their lives without us doesn't bring closure. I know because that is what mine is doing and I have yet to fully accept the end of our relationship.

Everyone says "Stay NC! Stay NC!" and I think that is true for being hurt, opening the wound and prolonging the pain. If however you feel strongly that you need to extend the olive branch, knowing that it might get your arm bitten off or be met by a wall of silence, by all means do it.

Personally, I would rather live with the fact that I did what I felt was right for me and not have the outcome that I wanted, than live with the regret that I didn't do what I felt was right for me, because I feared the outcome.

We all have different paths to healing, acceptance and moving on. I'm not sure what the hell mine is because I am still getting there. I have made many "mistakes" post BU and caused myself pain for those mistakes. I know that for me, I will move forward one day knowing that I did all I could to make the relationship I wanted work. That's all any of us can do. I know in my case there will come a day when my ex truly regrets leaving a good man that loved her completely and would have cherished her for life. But by that point I will have been forced to move on with my life without her.

May 11, 2013

i dont understand that, as soon as a person questions no contact, they are deemed to "not understand" no contact. You guys have some great advise, but its a mistake to think i dont get what no contact is.

There seems to be a misunderstanding. I HAVE been bettering my life. I HAVE been working out, got a new job, going back to school next fall (top twenty university in the USA), meeting new people, etc. I have not been using nc to sit around and dwell- I have gleaned much positive from it. but after four months, its no longer helping me. Its hurting me.

And no one seems to actually listen to my story (like cav). The dumper/dumpee was actually NOT clear- you label me delusional but it really was not. And she did contact me twice actually--i have kept silent. According to all your guyss logic then, you all would be telling my ex that i am really happy and fine. And cav/others saying she is in a RS..i dont even get why you would assume that. Maybe to protect my feelings by assuming the worst?

But I am tired of ASSUMING. Let me know, let it sting for a week or two--maybe even a month. It would hurt bad..but i have been hurting nonstop for nearly a month now. In spite of NC, and in part because of it. I break it once. it very likely will hurt. then i realize she is REJECTING me. and i not only can but must move on. Because perhaps she is in a new relationship. Perhaps she is loving life without me. But to me, wondering these things is not any better at this point than knowing these things.

I respect and like the advice/input on people here on LS, but people tend to act like every situation is the same and thus warrants the same advice/course of action.

Siankat seems to get that. GB20 too

May 11, 2013

it very likely will hurt. then i realize she is REJECTING me. and i not only can but must move on. Because perhaps she is in a new relationship. Perhaps she is loving life without me. But to me, wondering these things is not any better at this point than knowing these things.

Echo000, I know this part well. The rejection. It hurts but it does steel your resolve a little each time. I personally am sick of the rejection part most of all.

I say go for it. You are not going into this hoping for some fantasy outcome. You are at the point where for your own healing/moving process on you need to say something. Just be prepared for the pain of rejection brother. But maybe that's what you need to push you over this plateau.

May 11, 2013

Echo000, I know this part well. The rejection. It hurts but it does steel your resolve a little each time. I personally am sick of the rejection part most of all.

I say go for it. You are not going into this hoping for some fantasy outcome. You are at the point where for your own healing/moving process on you need to say something. Just be prepared for the pain of rejection brother. But maybe that's what you need to push you over this plateau.

I agree...and i am stong about NC- but at this point you need to explore the great unknown for you're own sanity

May 11, 2013

Man echo thats what i said... You know most people here on this site is going to tell you not to do it cause it will set you back... Blah blah blah... You already know the outcome...

Honestly like i said... If you feel like you can handle anything then just do it bro.. If you have bettering yourself thats good too... Just follow your heart

May 11, 2013

Echo000, I don't disagree with you simply to disagree with you. It's only that so many other people have been where you are, made one mistake or another and have regretted not following NC.

You say that you seek closure, the "it's over" message. For the most part, you already have that. You can walk away now knowing that's what the answer is. Subconsciously you must really be desiring the "oh Echo, I've missed you so much" message, which is the only reasonable reason to break NC. But the chances of that happening are not quite as rare as getting struck by lightening, not quite but close. With respect to the ex contacting you twice, the NC Guide is pretty clear on its recommendation:

Q. I've been on NC for some time and my Ex just contacted me, what do I do?
A. ...
If they really want you back, then you have to listen out for the apology. The complete 180.
"I'm really sorry for what I did. I don't know why I did it, but all I know, is that it was the most stupid thing I've ever done. I want to try again, and will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, prove I'm deadly serious, and regain your trust. Please, can you find it in your heart to try again?"

Anything other than this - any small talk, any "so how are you?"s, any tentative chit-chat - is just breadcrumbs. Mostly, to appease their own guilt, make them feel better, and confirm that they can still yank your chain.

The only thing you should actually ever respond to is a clear and absolutely unequivocal signal, from them that they desperately love you and would do anything to be able to try again.
Anything - ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING - else - is just a way of chatting with you and keeping you simmering on a back-boiler until you are roasted, broiled, cooked, done, shredded, dried out and falling off the bone.

I don't think anyone should take advice from this forum as the spoken truth, but it does come from the result of a huge number of shared experiences.

May 11, 2013

i dont understand that, as soon as a person questions no contact, they are deemed to "not understand" no contact. You guys have some great advise, but its a mistake to think i dont get what no contact is.

There seems to be a misunderstanding. I HAVE been bettering my life. I HAVE been working out, got a new job, going back to school next fall (top twenty university in the USA), meeting new people, etc. I have not been using nc to sit around and dwell- I have gleaned much positive from it. but after four months, its no longer helping me. Its hurting me.

And no one seems to actually listen to my story (like cav). The dumper/dumpee was actually NOT clear- you label me delusional but it really was not. And she did contact me twice actually--i have kept silent. According to all your guyss logic then, you all would be telling my ex that i am really happy and fine. And cav/others saying she is in a RS..i dont even get why you would assume that. Maybe to protect my feelings by assuming the worst?

But I am tired of ASSUMING. Let me know, let it sting for a week or two--maybe even a month. It would hurt bad..but i have been hurting nonstop for nearly a month now. In spite of NC, and in part because of it. I break it once. it very likely will hurt. then i realize she is REJECTING me. and i not only can but must move on. Because perhaps she is in a new relationship. Perhaps she is loving life without me. But to me, wondering these things is not any better at this point than knowing these things.

I respect and like the advice/input on people here on LS, but people tend to act like every situation is the same and thus warrants the same advice/course of action.

Siankat seems to get that. GB20 too

Im with you on this. I think under certain circumstances (perhaps if a relationship has ended due to cheating etc), then going strict nc is the way.

However, where the reasons behind the break up arent as clear cut then I think its easy to say go nc, but in practice it doesnt always work that way. I've broken nc and currently in LC. Maybe this is just adding to my pain but right now it feels like the right to do.

I think people are too quick to advocate nc. Break ups arent always clear cut and sometimes it isn't as simple as just cutting ties.

May 11, 2013

I don't think you want that final rejection as much as you want to be sure she hasn't changed her mind. but here's the thing, if she changed her mind. She'd let you know. Trust me on this.

but no one is forcing you to stay NC, so go ahead and reach out to your ex. You'll become addicted to the pain, because it's always nice to hear from the person who used to be everything to us. Anything we hear from them is golden just because hearing from them is so rare. Also I know you think your situation is different than everyone else, but it really isn't. You were in a relationship and it ended. Just like all of the other heartbroken people on this forum you're trying to move on.

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