Be supportive, or be brutally honest?

[Zapbasket]

Have any of you had a situation where your significant other is determined to make a certain pursuit his or her career, but s/he is completely untalented at it? How do you handle a situation like that--do you support them no matter what, or do you give them the brutal truth after months or years of watching them flail at it with no improvement and no evidence of any skill at it whatsoever?

 

I'm not talking about outcomes, as in not making money off of a pursuit or not achieving recognition for it. I'm talking about being with someone who really wants to be, above all else, a dancer, say, but who a) weighs 300 pounds, b) has no formal training, and c) is completely ungraceful and uncoordinated. (This is a made-up example, of course.) They want to pursue this thing not as a hobby or for fun, but as a career.

 

Do you say, "Honey, I support you no matter what," or do you gently tell them your opinion when asked--or even not when asked: "Honey, I'm sorry, but I just don't think this pursuit is going to happen for you because I don't see any evidence that you have the aptitude for it"?

 

Thoughts and experiences welcome.

[prettymagnificent]

Hello. In my opinion, dealing with my husband, I try to find subtle ways to tell him my opinion about certain business ventures he has (he has a lot, and a lot in which he doesn't even follow through with, or it just sounds ridiculous) and I do that by being as nice as possible. I tell him it doesn't seem like a bad idea, but are you sure that's what you want? Do you think it's a better way to do it? etc. I never actually say you'd probably fail, or not be good at it, because although men act tough, they are pretty sensitive, especially women. I would just try to hint that it may not be a good idea in non direct ways, but in the end, try to support them anyway. If they're that bad, they'll probably fail that particular situation and let it go on their own anyway, then you can be the hero and help them move on to something else.

[KathyM]

I think you should have a discussion with him, without telling him he has no talent, about what he thinks it would take to make a career out of that, what qualities he thinks a person would need, how he would go about pursuing that, etc. Sometimes, when people discuss specifics, the person is able to come to realize himself that his plan is not really feasible, he just needs someone to help him look at it more objectively. And you may want to critique or point out some of the qualities of people who have been successful in that field so that he can be able to think about how he compares. People need to make these kinds of decisions for themselves, but sometimes they need people who are close to them to help them see things more objectively.

[CC12]

Do you say, "Honey, I support you no matter what,"

 

My vote goes to this. You support no matter what. You don't tell them you think they suck, you only encourage them to be better.

 

Examples:

 

I'm talking about being with someone who really wants to be, above all else, a dancer, say, but who a) weighs 300 pounds,

 

"Honey, let's go to the gym together! You can practice your dance moves while I work out."

 

b) has no formal training,

 

"I know how serious you are about being a dancer, so why not look into getting some formal training? Artists have to work on their craft, and so should you!"

 

c) is completely ungraceful and uncoordinated.

 

"You really have a unique style and your passion for dancing is apparent. Reach for the stars!"

 

I mean, I know the above was really pukey and trite, but I think you should always support and encourage your partner. If you won't, who will? And then if their dreams come crashing down, you'll be there to wipe their tears.

[Els]

 

Do you say, "Honey, I support you no matter what," or do you gently tell them your opinion when asked

 

I don't think the two are mutually exclusive.

 

I would always support them no matter what and I would tell them so. That doesn't mean that I'm going to lie if they explicitly ask me whether or not I think they are inherently suited for it. Key word being inherently. There are very few situations in which someone can absolutely not even succeed in taking a step in a particular direction no matter how much effort they put in. So inherent capability matters very little. The dancer in your example, if he/she wanted to, could lose 150 pounds, get formal training, and become a little more coordinated/graceful. They may not win national competitions but they may become reasonably good.

 

--or even not when asked: "Honey, I'm sorry, but I just don't think this pursuit is going to happen for you because I don't see any evidence that you have the aptitude for it"?

 

I would never say this if not asked.

[SensitiveTJ]

I remember having this,problem dating a girl in college. She wanted to become a psychologist, but there,were,two problems. 1) She was a,manipulative, spiteful, violent person who should never be asked to care,for,anyone's mental health 2) She,never got more than C/D grades in even introductory psych courses. Thankfully, that pairing ended before it,was too late.