I'm in a long term relationship, but I feel so alone...

[Hellahaleigh]

Let me start with saying this is the first forum I have EVER created or even participated in, so please bare with me... I'm just desperate to get a few things off my chest and hopefully find some new perspective with your help.

 

So I'm in a "serious" relationship with a man that I have know for about five years now. We actually have worked together (He was/is above me because I started as an intern). I had a MAD crush on him for 3 years before he finally had the opportunity to ask me out (I was in and out of casual relationships, so he never had the shot). I mean this was a ridiculous puppy love crush... I would freak every time we talked... My whole family knew about it and would tease me, let's just say I have NEVER had a crush like this before. So naturally when he asks me to dinner, I am over the moon. From that night forward we have been *exclusive* I guess. (Keep in mind we were close friendsc *never more* before this date, so we knew each other pretty well). He's a good guy, has his head on his shoulders... But the kicker is he is 30 and very set in his ways- I am almost 22.

 

Our relationship has had it's natural ups and downs... But I feel like maybe there's something that isn't right. I am head over heels for him, but I feel so alone. He tells me constantly that he loves me, and I believe that he thinks he does, but I think at the same time he will always love himself more than he can ever love anyone else. I feel like everything is on his terms... Like the pace at which our relationship moves, if/when we hang out, what we're going to do. I mean, is it weird that my long term boyfriend has never taken me to a movie because they're "too crowded." Or that I can't remember one Saturday morning/afternoon where we just hung out all day and enjoyed each others company? We are both pretty busy people... But sometimes I feel as if I have to beg him to hang out with me. I feel like an inconvenience and like he has something better to be spending his time on. And even when we are together, he's always talking about what he needs to do, what he's going to done when we're done hanging out. And half the time we're at his house and I'm sitting on the couch while he's doing whatever it is he needs to do. I can only remember a handful of times where he came and sat down next to me, but I don't remember one time our entire relationship where he sat down with me for more that 10 minutes.

 

For example, last saturday he was sweet and took me out to the nicest restaurant in town, and after we we're done, I REALLY wanted to go to the bar to get a drink afterwards because i rarely go out, it's been over six months since the last time I've had a drink... He said he just wanted to go home. It isn't a money issue because I know his salary is over $300k a year, and i would have gladly paid for us to go out either way... And it's definitely not that he doesn't like to drink, he is a borderline alcoholic and was a constant bar fly before we started dating. He just didn't feel like going out.... But guess what, tonight when his buddies ask him to go out to the SAME bar, he jumps on it quick as can be and here I am home alone again on a Friday night... And when we talked on the phone earlier this afternoon, his comment was *quote-unquote* "Should I do my own thing tonight, so we can hang out tomorrow? Or do you want to hang out tonight and I can do my own thing tomorrow?" We haven't hung out in a week... Like excuse me *******, I know that i should feel pleasured that you are willing to grace me with your presence one night a week, and you're willing to let me choose the night... Oh wait, I'm your freaking girlfriend... Maybe you should WANT to hang out with me!

 

And I want to be clear, I am NOT a needy person. I am very independent and I have never put up with any crap from a guy... I'm usually a straight running bitch to be honest. Why can't I just walk away from him? I've tried and he always pulls me back in. It's like he has me in a spell. I hate it. I want my strong, fearless, independent personality back. I'm tired of feeling so alone when I *should* have someone to rely on.

 

Just an FYI, he does have good qualities as well, I'm just elaborating on the bad stuff right now because I'm upset. He's not the scum of the Earth... i think he's just selfish because he's never known any different.

 

And yes, I've already tried talking to him... I actually did earlier tonight over the phone. The convo got heated, I started crying and hung up, he calls his buddies immediately to come over so they can go out. What is my problem?!?! Am I an idiot??? Please be as honest as possible.... I need it right now.

[Hellahaleigh]

Thanks for your reply...

Not trying to act like a crybaby... The only reason I get upset is because he goes with his friends, but will never take me. I just turned 21 in the last year, and would really like to enjoy the age. Like I said, I was more than willing to pay for it... I didn't want a drink from him, just wanted his company for the night. And I would go by myself with a group of friends, but that would just cause issues with him. Thanks!

 

And yes... He's an engineer in a specialty field.

[charlietheginger]

Guys who work alot usually don't have much time

For relationships usually they just have sex with a co

Worker on lunch breaks.becuase they are always buzy

300k is alot of money he is prob always buzy

 

 

If you want a guy that's around alot and has time for

You date a average joe that holds down a m/f 40 hr

A week job

[Hellahaleigh]

Thank you! I will order it from amazon right now, I love reading. Thanks for your reply!

[chex]

Hmm I dunno about how this sounds.

 

You feel like you're missing out on life because you're in this relationship with him, right?

 

And you feel like you don't mean too much to him?

[Hellahaleigh]

@charlietheginger His job is m/f 40 hrs a week.... Every once in a blue moon he will have to go out in the field if there's something wrong, but thats been maybe twice in the last *six months. Our jobs correlate rather well, so if I'm swamped, he's swamped. We're working on the same stuff, just two different sides of it. I'm in the Geology division and at times working directly with him.

 

@chex Yes, I think you hit the nail on the head... But I do care about him along with that.

[Sweetnothing]

He sounds pretty controlling. Try not being so submissive to him and see how he acts.

[AMusing]

Am I the only one that noticed this?

 

And I would go by myself with a group of friends, but that would just cause issues with him.

 

Am I reading this right? He has issues with you going out with friends without him?

[Cutiepie1976]

You aren't independent if you expect him to spend most of his time with you. He has to see his friends sometimes. Where are your hobbies? Your own interests? Spend a little more time growing into your own person. I wouldn't be intrigued by or interested in a conversation with someone whose only interest was me...that's poke my eyeballs out boring to me, and would leave me feeling smothered and claustrophobic. But I'm not a guy. Maybe some find that endearing, but I highly doubt it. Almost everyone wants a little space.

 

Talk to him about your concerns. If nothing changes, and you remain this unhappy, you aren't compatible. End it.

[KraftDinner]

I've been in a similar situation, and here's what my friend said to me:

 

He keeps you on a shelf, and takes you down to play with you when it's convenient for him. Then when he's had enough, he puts you back. That's not a real relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think you two are on the same page at all. You've been together for five years, and you guess you're exclusive?

 

Does he refer to you as his girlfriend? I ask because it doesn't sound like a real relationship at all. It sounds like you're a convenient distraction when he's bored, to be very blunt. Don't let him treat you that way. If you've talked to him and nothing's changed, then you have all the answers you need.

[apple OR orange]

if your not happy, leave and sacrifice the 300k per year, if you like someone who can spend money on you then stop complaining, you don’t get everything in life.

[Yookie]

Trusts your instincts. If it feels like "there's something that isn't right" then your intuition is trying to clue you in. Don't ignore it.

 

You need to take back control of your life and make sure he is NOT the center of it. The reason you feel alone is because you ARE alone. He doesn't have the same feelings for your relationship that you have. His actions speak loud and clear.

 

Why are you allowing him to prevent you from going out with your friends. What does he expect you to do with your free time while he's out with his buddies? What would happen if you plan an outing with him like a concert, ballgame or a picnic in the park?

[crederer]

So you were 16 and he was 25 when you guys met? That's kind of weird to me...

 

It's hard to say what's going on really. Some guys don't need to be around their girl all the time. If you want that, and he doesn't, then you're not a good match.

[Hellahaleigh]

A few things I think people are misreading COMPLETELY...

 

1) I do not date him for his money, trust me, I DO NOT need it. I have a very good job and buy my own stuff and have never expected anything from him. If anything I am constantly buying him gifts and spending my own money being in this relationship.

 

2) I DO NOT want somebody to be around me 24/7 because I could not handle it... I'm currently working on my masters degree in correlation with a full time job, I need me time. What it boils down to is all I want is a companion. Someone to share my life with and whatnot and someone who I know is there if i need them and vice versa.

 

3)I think I feel this way because he has been bringing up marriage alot lately, and it scares me. Why would I want to marry someone if I don't even feel like I have a companion to rely on while we're dating? (So yes, I am his girlfriend according to him).

 

and 4) I do not act needy at all... Actually, apart from our conversation yesterday, I rarely even act like it bothers me. I usually respond with, "I had plans tonight anyways, have fun!" and I go off and do my own thing (usually homework) and leave him be.

 

What I'm trying to say is if I'm in a relationship I want companionship... Isn't that what relationships are for anyway? or am I mistaken?

Edited May 11, 2013 by Hellahaleigh

[Cutiepie1976]

Yes. Relationships are about companionship. You've discussed your dissatisfaction about this with him before. Try again, maybe taking a different tact. Good communication is critical in any relationship. Ultimately however, if he continues to see you as a side distraction to be played with when he's bored, you need to move on.

 

My impression, FWIW, is that he doesn't really see you as a true partner or an equal. That has nothing to do with his level of affection for you. It has nothing to do with the fact that you both clearly see this as a serious relationship. It has nothing to do with his level of commitment to you, which is obviously there. It has to do with his level of respect for you as a partner, which impacts the way he treats you and, as a result, your feeling of being alone in the relationship. It might be tough to change.

 

At any rate, good luck. I hope it all works out for you. Either way, you are a remarkable woman with a lot to offer in any relationship.