Nice way to tell my girlfriend that I don't trust women (ie, commitmentphobe)?

[hppr]

Is there any nice way to broach this topic? We've been dating for some months and I like her a lot, the problem is she wants to move in together and get more 'official'. I also know she wants to get married and have kids eventually which I'd love to do, the problem is I've never really had a decent relationship like this with a girl before (I'm 31). All my previous relationships were bad, ranging from funny-story bad to terrifying. Is there a nice female-talk way of bringing this up that won't make me look like some kind of weirdo or wimp in her eyes?

[Keenly]

Just tell her what I have told my last few dates.

 

I've been hurt really bad, multiple times and back to back. I don't want that to happen again, so naturally, I'm apprehensive about jumping right into something too quickly. I'd love to keep seeing you and let our affection for each other grow into something truly special, but I need you to just be patient and accept a relationship that develops a little slower than what you might be used to. Can you do that for me?

[ChessPieceFace]

Whether or not she is one of the few genuinely good women left in the western world, it is unlikely she will accept or understand a male's apprehension toward signing his future away to her whims.

 

You're right to be afraid. However, remember that you aren't chaining yourself to all of fallen western womanhood. Only to 1 woman. What really matters for you isn't how bad things are for most men, but how bad (or good) they will likely be for you.

 

My advice is to do the following:

 

1.) Do more research into the reasons feminism is destroying western relationships (again, I highly recommend 'Girlwriteswhat' on youtube, who is an amazing clear-thinking woman who blasts feminism for the trash that it is.)

 

2.) After you start getting a clearer perspective of the problem, make your own determination as to whether your partner reflects these destructive tendencies or not. Probably quite a tall order, given the blinders most people wear about their SO, but good luck.

[insertnamehere]

Don't tell her.

 

A woman's process in dating is about screening men out.

[candie13]

hum... I'm not sure I understand what your issue is. Be very very specific.

 

A number of things:

 

A. YOUR EMOTIONAL PAST

You say you've never had a "decent relationship". What do you mean by decent? Do you mean you've never been more serious with a girl - aka be exclusive, take her to meet your folks and friends, holidays together? Or you mean that those girls you've dated were not decent?

 

B. THIS GIRL

Do you like her, are you ok with how things go? Do you want to keep seeing her? You're fine with being exclusive? Do you see yourself with her mid term - let's say long weekends / holidays with her?

 

C. HANDLING EXPECTATIONS

You could tell her that your emotional past was rather tormented - or inexistent. You could tell her you like her and enjoy being with her (if you do).

You should def tell her that you're not in any rush to move in with her, though, because you are barely at the beginning. So maybe she should loose up the pressure a notch and just spend more time together.

 

However, after being for a few months together, girls will expect for things to move up - meaning some sort of mid way plans. Her meeting your best friends. You two spending weekends together. MAking some sort of plans for the near future - trips, concerts, etc.

 

Moving is and meeting the parents immediately may be off for you, so please talk to her, as she does have her hopes up high. Just be kind, considerate, gentle... and make her be very honest with you. Girls are ok to talk about feelings and expectations, but do expect 100% clarity from a guy's part, when this discussion starts.

 

Ideally, before you do, you'd know where you are yourself, what type of "concessions" you're willing to make... if any. You can say that maybe you should be having this conversation in the next 6 months, if things go well... it's fair enough.

 

As a girl, I'd totally freak out if my bf asked me to move it with him - we're been dating for 4 months, going on our 5th. Personally, I'm done living with a man... unless real future plans are foreseeable in the near future - marriage set up in the next 6 months, or kids... I feel that for a woman, living with a man and no engagement plans represents a waste of time and effort. I imagine one must go through this experience to be able to have their own opinion.

[candie13]

I've left out the most important part: the key in a relationship is not to "move in together" or "get married". But it's to get to know eachother and see if you are compatible. To see if you genuinely like eachother.

 

You can only do that if you spend a lot of time together. So make sure you do that: ask her to be patient and spend more time, quality time together, to understand if you two are a match. It's too soon to talk about this type of important changes - moving in... like is she out of her mind, OMG ?!?

[phineas]

Exactly how many months and she is talking about moving in together?

If it's less than a yr it isn't you.

 

I think moving in with anyone that quickly is a big mistake.

[Divasu]

It's not unreasonable to have reservations about moving in with someone after a few months of dating. Cohabitation is as close to a marriage without the "I do."

 

"I don't trust women".

Oh yes, work on that before even considering moving in together. Spend more time together first little by little... Going on vacation together is a good way to see how you two do together without actually living together.

 

For a little humor, this is one of my

about this subject.

 

That aside, tell her exactly what you told us. That you have had issues in the past with trusting women. I mean, that is essentially how you learn to trust another person, by being vulnerable and sharing your thoughts and feelings with them, including your fears.

[ChessPieceFace]

LOL. Your bitter is showing.

 

Good. If most men had the balls to stand up for what's right, things could actually change for the better.

 

it seems pretty odd that most of the guys here on LS are constantly using the "Equality" argument to benefit themselves - to insist on going Dutch on dates, to whine about women not being more aggressive and asking THEM out, and generally arguing that women should do all the heavy lifting in dating relationships while they basically sit back on their lazy asses and watch.

 

The individual is not the society. And you can either have equality or privilege, not both. Women wanting both is the problem. I'd gladly pay for all the dates if we still lived in a society where that made sense and was equitable. I'd gladly go against my nature and chase women if there were any left worth chasing. If I could tell society to fix itself and it would listen, there wouldn't be a problem. Unfortunately I alone have little power to change anything in the world. The world is what it is, we have western women believing the lies of feminism and a giant pile of wrecked relationships and marriages due primarily to womens' impossible expectations and unfair sense of entitlement.

 

As for "feminized men", feminism's systematic emasculation of men and boys is very responsible for that as well.

 

Is feminism the scourge of the Western world

 

Yes, that's a good way of putting it.

[hppr]

 

A. YOUR EMOTIONAL PAST

You say you've never had a "decent relationship". What do you mean by decent? Do you mean you've never been more serious with a girl - aka be exclusive, take her to meet your folks and friends, holidays together? Or you mean that those girls you've dated were not decent?

 

B. THIS GIRL

Do you like her, are you ok with how things go? Do you want to keep seeing her? You're fine with being exclusive? Do you see yourself with her mid term - let's say long weekends / holidays with her?

 

C. HANDLING EXPECTATIONS

You could tell her that your emotional past was rather tormented - or inexistent. You could tell her you like her and enjoy being with her (if you do).

You should def tell her that you're not in any rush to move in with her, though, because you are barely at the beginning. So maybe she should loose up the pressure a notch and just spend more time together.

 

However, after being for a few months together, girls will expect for things to move up - meaning some sort of mid way plans. Her meeting your best friends. You two spending weekends together. MAking some sort of plans for the near future - trips, concerts, etc.

 

A) decent as in a girl who is loyal, treats me well, etc. In the past I have dated 3 women previously and after 3-5 months the relationship always turned sour with them being argumentative, explosive anger, violent. Like attack me with a knife, key my car, torture my cat crazy violent. None of them were super hotties either, I was always very timid so I went for girls who didn't seem to have lots of interest from men, or women who showed interest in me.

 

B) I like her a lot, she's very attractive, nice, affectionate, I'm just scared to death that the other shoe is going to drop and she's gonna be insane like the last couple ones I had. The only difference is that I've been a lot more assertive with her than the other girls I dated in the past, I 'chased' her sort of, I put my foot down, always try to get my way, etc. So things have been pretty nice so far.

 

C) The mid-way plans is where I'm confused. She knows my folks, my friends, we go places together. I'm just scared to death the other shoe is going to drop and she'll be even crazier than the last ones were.

[hppr]

That you have had issues in the past with trusting women.

 

It's not that I had issues trusting it's that every time I did trust it was a mistake. I am a poor judge of character when it comes to women I guess.

[Drseussgrrl]

A) decent as in a girl who is loyal, treats me well, etc. In the past I have dated 3 women previously and after 3-5 months the relationship always turned sour with them being argumentative, explosive anger, violent. Like attack me with a knife, key my car, torture my cat crazy violent. None of them were super hotties either, I was always very timid so I went for girls who didn't seem to have lots of interest from men, or women who showed interest in me.

 

B) I like her a lot, she's very attractive, nice, affectionate, I'm just scared to death that the other shoe is going to drop and she's gonna be insane like the last couple ones I had. The only difference is that I've been a lot more assertive with her than the other girls I dated in the past, I 'chased' her sort of, I put my foot down, always try to get my way, etc. So things have been pretty nice so far.

 

C) The mid-way plans is where I'm confused. She knows my folks, my friends, we go places together. I'm just scared to death the other shoe is going to drop and she'll be even crazier than the last ones were.

 

The only common denominator in your relationships, is you.

 

So I think it's safe to say that it's your own judgment you don't trust at this point.

[BoneyHadger]

Is there any nice way to broach this topic? We've been dating for some months and I like her a lot, the problem is she wants to move in together and get more 'official'. I also know she wants to get married and have kids eventually which I'd love to do, the problem is I've never really had a decent relationship like this with a girl before (I'm 31). All my previous relationships were bad, ranging from funny-story bad to terrifying. Is there a nice female-talk way of bringing this up that won't make me look like some kind of weirdo or wimp in her eyes?

 

Don't. Just don't.

 

Instead make it out as you may have problems with trust in general, but you'll work on them for her, because she is special. If you indeed never had a relationship like this, might be worth it to go an extra mile and not let past experiences spoil it.

[hppr]

There isn't one.

 

Yeah I am kind of thinking that is it.

[hppr]

Instead make it out as you may have problems with trust in general, but you'll work on them for her, because she is special. If you indeed never had a relationship like this, might be worth it to go an extra mile and not let past experiences spoil it.

 

How would I go about that? I just need a little time, I like you a lot but you have to give me some space, what do I say?

[crederer]

Don't tell her you have trust issues. Just tell her you are not comfortable moving in together at this point. It's completely understandable as you haven't been together all that long.

[candie13]

well, how long exactly has it been since the two of you started dating? How long has is been since you've known her - if you know her from before?

 

Your fears should take a material form - which one is that? I mean, what exactly are you scared of? That she is insecure? That she is violent? Well... maybe it's bad advice, but one way of getting over your fears is by testing her. Get her very crossed over something and have a full out blown fight. You'll see how irrational and angry she gets - or should I say, to which extent she lets herself go when she goes upset.

 

Another way of knowing her is through her friends and through her past. How was she with the other guys? Why did those relationships end? Make her tell you the very worst episode - funny worst - when she lost her minds, almost.

 

Communication is the key.

 

I understand why the men here tell you to not talk about your past and not communicate your fears... but how else are you going to address them? You cannot fix a problem, unless you admit there is a problem...

 

Anyway, she obviously has plans, she is obviously projecting herself in the future with you. MEaning she likes you, she is seeing herself with you... she is making herself vulnerable to you - because you can reject / hurt her.

 

So, your telling her you need more time - which is the cold truth - may be perceived as a rejection. So before you tell her to calm down and ease the pressure, you may want to seriously reassure her by telling her you really like her, you're very happy with her and you simply need more time to ... see it to believe it, sort to speak.

 

hppr, I believe you when you say that you don't trust yourself anymore. I simply think you can know people... up to a certain point. Some women can hide very well their flows and insecurities, but you've earned more experience now, you are getting better now. Just accept that you never ever can really know a person. How many marriages end up in flames after 20 years, because one of the partners cheats? There are no guarantees.

 

The only decent thing you can do, is to try to get to know your partner as good as you possibly can, enjoy your time with them... and then decide which partners you can trust and which ones you cannot.

[hppr]

Your fears should take a material form - which one is that? I mean, what exactly are you scared of? That she is insecure? That she is violent? Well... maybe it's bad advice, but one way of getting over your fears is by testing her. Get her very crossed over something and have a full out blown fight. You'll see how irrational and angry she gets - or should I say, to which extent she lets herself go when she goes upset.

 

We already had one fight, she acted like a brat for a week or two, I put my foot down and then she said she was sorry. So normal for a woman I guess. I really do like her but I'm not ready for the 'move in, act married' sort of thing yet. Problem is I don't know how to say that in a nice way. In the movies when a guy bears his heart out the woman loves him all the more but in real life they figure you are a loser and hit the road. I want her to respect me, to see me as a man, not the way I used to be which was a wimp who got beat up by women he dated.

[candie13]

you need to understand that it's your own fears that make you think that you will look like a whimp for admitting you have feelings. Women actually find men who admit that they are emotionally vulnerable to their SO very sexy... most women will want to protect their SO from getting hurt, they are natural nurturers. Of course you fear exposing yourself for looking weak! But in the end, you may want to seem all strong and determined - because you fear your vulnerability - whereas she may feel that you're not showing any emotion, thus feel even more rejected...

 

It's good to feel emotion. It's great to show emotion. She wants to move in and marry you, you honestly think she'll think less of you, if you admit to being vulnerable?? Please don't be selfish and heartless with a girl who cares for you, only because the girls before treated you poorly...

 

So she acted like a brat! Ok, she's obviously used to being spoiled, treated nicely. So she didn't talk to you or ignored your calls. Did she go crazy? Did she assault you? Did she do anything irrational? I don't think so...

 

It's your fears and your resenting the past. Handle them both with care, otherwise they can totally screw your today!

 

just... whatever you do, don't be selfish!!! PLS! Handle with care, ok?

 

best of luck, I think you'll do well, you seem a nice person!

[crude]

LOL.

 

But it seems pretty odd that most of the guys here on LS are constantly using the "Equality" argument to benefit themselves - to insist on going Dutch on dates, to whine about women not being more aggressive and asking THEM out, and generally arguing that women should do all the heavy lifting in dating relationships while they basically sit back on their lazy asses and watch.

 

So which is it? Is feminism the scourge of the Western world like you claim it is, or is it the best thing to hit the pike since sliced bread because guys feel they should no longer have to spring for a woman's $13.99 New Orleans Steak Dinner at Applebees on a date?

 

It can't be both - you can't suck and blow at the same time, boys.

 

 

You make it sound like they're all the same guys. I expect women to pay for every other date even if it means actually paying that $13.99 instead of pretending to offer to reach for the check. I also think feminism is great, equality is good. I expect both genders to do the heavy lifting, enjoy the pleasures, rights and responsibilities equally. Even give kids two parents. The feminazi guys are a subspecies of conservatives who dream of a long lost good old days.

[phineas]

LOL. Your bitter is showing.

 

Look, I'm not a Femi-Nazi either so I actually see some merit in your statement about feminism not being such a plus for relationships. I get it.

 

But it seems pretty odd that most of the guys here on LS are constantly using the "Equality" argument to benefit themselves - to insist on going Dutch on dates, to whine about women not being more aggressive and asking THEM out, and generally arguing that women should do all the heavy lifting in dating relationships while they basically sit back on their lazy asses and watch.

 

So which is it? Is feminism the scourge of the Western world like you claim it is, or is it the best thing to hit the pike since sliced bread because guys feel they should no longer have to spring for a woman's $13.99 New Orleans Steak Dinner at Applebees on a date?

 

It can't be both - you can't suck and blow at the same time, boys.

 

Exactly which applebee's location are you eating at? Mexico Applebee's?

I live in NY (not the city) & the last time I went to applebee's just by myself to eat at the bar it cost $35 with tip.

 

I love how people who argue against going dutch completely lie about how much it actually costs to eat out for two people.

Seriously, who goes out to dinner & just drinks water & doesn't apparently pay tax or tip?

 

I'm a beer drinker and anyone I date is also because a non-drinker & I just won't work. A couple Brewtus's of a good beer gets expensive & you can't drink just one.

 

This is why I only do drinks with women until she is actually my GF.

[Divasu]

It's not that I had issues trusting it's that every time I did trust it was a mistake. I am a poor judge of character when it comes to women I guess.

 

Sorry, let me rephrase it differently:

 

You are mistrustful towards women as a result of trusting women in the past who proved not to be 'trustworthy'.

 

Does that sound more accurate? If so, does that sound like something you can say to your girlfriend? See, I think the goal here is to place the responsibility on your shoulders, so that she doesn't take it 'the wrong way'. Emphasize the importance of it in your relationship and that it is something you want to build, with HER.

 

If you don't want to talk about it head on, you can try to broach the subject of past relationships and why they didn't work out, and she can share her own experiences with you too if she's comfortable doing so. Try to stay clear of any gory details with past partners, until you both feel comfortable enough. Baby steps.

 

If you choose NOT to talk about, like ever, and instead avoid... I can guarantee that she will start to pick-up on it and in turn her mind will begin working overtime and she'll start to question things and may even distance herself, or start an argument out of frustration.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

LOL. Your bitter is showing.

 

Look, I'm not a Femi-Nazi either so I actually see some merit in your statement about feminism not being such a plus for relationships. I get it.

 

But it seems pretty odd that most of the guys here on LS are constantly using the "Equality" argument to benefit themselves - to insist on going Dutch on dates, to whine about women not being more aggressive and asking THEM out, and generally arguing that women should do all the heavy lifting in dating relationships while they basically sit back on their lazy asses and watch.

 

So which is it? Is feminism the scourge of the Western world like you claim it is, or is it the best thing to hit the pike since sliced bread because guys feel they should no longer have to spring for a woman's $13.99 New Orleans Steak Dinner at Applebees on a date?

 

It can't be both - you can't suck and blow at the same time, boys.

 

Well, you're saying that everybody on here that has a problem with feminism have the same views.

 

That's simply not the case. Personally, I would have no problem with paying for women on dates and asking them out. I would also have no issue with doing the "heavy lifting" in relationships. But, these days, women are not loyal and are always looking for something bigger and better. So there's no reason to do any of that.

 

I dislike feminism because of what it did to dating, relationships, and marriage in the western culture. I also dislike feminism for its views on and treatment of men.

[Woggle]

I support feminism. I don't support radical and militant feminism. Two completely different animals.

 

As for the OP I have has more trust issues with women than most men combined though I have drastically improved as of late. Just be honest with her like I did with my wife and show you are genuinely interested in improving instead of making her pay for other's sins.

[robinsparkles]

This is more of a question for you...but maybe there's help here for us both. A guy I was seeing, that was also a stated commitment-phobe, broke up with me because he couldn't continue to date me without wanting something more serious, and that was so anxiety inducing he just ended things to focus on family and friends he neglected during his bad marriage. Since you guys sound similar, I was hoping you'd have thoughts on whether or not I can get him "back".

 

As far as your situation is concerned, from the woman's side, it does hurt tremendously to be told what you have to tell your GF. However, any other course of action (ducking the issue, breaking up, or moving in anyway) is worse. Although it hurts, if she is really the one for you she will understand. Just make sure you are capable of committing to her within a reasonable time frame. That is the worst thing about what my guy did, somewhere I think he knew he couldn't date, at all, on any level, but by the time he was ready to verbalize that, I really cared about him because our relationship was awesome.