Marriage counseling

[coaches24]

So my wife has agreed to try marriage counseling. Truthfully I feel it's too late (on her end more than mine) but I still want to do so because I know I cannot move on until I have tried everything to make things work. Now the question is how do I/ we find a good marriage counselor in our area? Anyone have some advice for doing this? I can find dozens of counselors on line but how do I go about figuring out which one I want? Money is tight but I feel the expense is more than justified under the circumstances.

 

We live in Sacramento Ca in case anyone else from this area sees this and knows of a good place to go.

[ALAACJ]

If you are the religious type, then check with your local church. With my beliefs, I think that a Christian counselor is the only way to go. The church I attend has a counselor on staff. Also health insurance often covers some of the expense...I have a high deductible plan, so I have to pay OOP, but I found out that I get 5 completely free sessions thru an employee assistance plan. It's worth going in my opinion even if there is no hope of reconciling. There are kids involved and anything that can help the relationship between parents will benefit the kids. My opinion though, others may disagree.

[coaches24]

If you are the religious type, then check with your local church. With my beliefs, I think that a Christian counselor is the only way to go. The church I attend has a counselor on staff. Also health insurance often covers some of the expense...I have a high deductible plan, so I have to pay OOP, but I found out that I get 5 completely free sessions thru an employee assistance plan. It's worth going in my opinion even if there is no hope of reconciling. There are kids involved and anything that can help the relationship between parents will benefit the kids. My opinion though, others may disagree.

 

I have Kaiser and they don't have or cover marriage counseling. I will have to check with my work but I have never heard of anything through them and I've been there over a decade. We are not religious so I don't know that going to the local church is an option.

[tinam]

I just wanted to say good for you for at least wanting to try absolutely everything before you know that's it. My husband came home three nights ago and said that he was leaving me that he hasn't been happy for a while and it also came out that he cheated on me obviously I am devastated I really truly don't know how to deal with this we have been married for 15 years and I for the life of me can't understand we can walk out without right absolutely everything first I even mention counseling even after all he did to me I hope it works out for you.

[TaraMaiden]

You do understand that Counselling is not intended to keep you guys together, right?

 

That's not what counselling is for....

 

And "finding" the problem isn't the hard work.

 

Fixing the problem, once you've found it - is when the hard work begins.

 

And you have to both want to work equally hard.

you have to both want this relationship to succeed the second time around, to the same level.

If you're in it 100% of your 50% - but she's only in at 60%... you can't make up the 40% shortfall on her half.

That's not co-operation on both your parts - that's desperation on yours alone.

 

You need to do some straight talking and both accept responsibility for the previous failure. (Note: 'Responsibility' is not the same as 'blame'.)

 

You have to establish that you're both 'in it to win it' to the same degree.

because if you're not - then you need to stop. Right here.

 

[Desert70]

I have Kaiser and they don't have or cover marriage counseling. I will have to check with my work but I have never heard of anything through them and I've been there over a decade. We are not religious so I don't know that going to the local church is an option.

 

I'm really sorry you're going through all this pain. I admire you for really trying to do everything you can to save your marriage. I just wanted to tell you that I have Kaiser too, and was able to get couple's counseling about 3 years ago. I'm not sure if you asked, or assumed that you don't have coverage for that. Good luck!

[coaches24]

I'm really sorry you're going through all this pain. I admire you for really trying to do everything you can to save your marriage. I just wanted to tell you that I have Kaiser too, and was able to get couple's counseling about 3 years ago. I'm not sure if you asked, or assumed that you don't have coverage for that. Good luck!

 

No I did ask. I was told by them that all they have is a couples communication class.

[coaches24]

Actually the research I have been doing has taught me that a "good" marriage counselor will have the sole goal of helping to keep the marriage going. I don't expect miracles by any means but whomever we do end up going to should have the goal of "saving the marriage". Now it's up to me and my wife to find someone with that mindset as there appear to be many who just try to counsel without really ever getting invested in the issue and only caring about getting paid.

 

 

 

You do understand that Counselling is not intended to keep you guys together, right?

 

That's not what counselling is for....

 

And "finding" the problem isn't the hard work.

 

Fixing the problem, once you've found it - is when the hard work begins.

 

And you have to both want to work equally hard.

you have to both want this relationship to succeed the second time around, to the same level.

If you're in it 100% of your 50% - but she's only in at 60%... you can't make up the 40% shortfall on her half.

That's not co-operation on both your parts - that's desperation on yours alone.

 

You need to do some straight talking and both accept responsibility for the previous failure. (Note: 'Responsibility' is not the same as 'blame'.)

 

You have to establish that you're both 'in it to win it' to the same degree.

because if you're not - then you need to stop. Right here.

 

[Gunny376]

Actually the research I have been doing has taught me that a "good" marriage counselor will have the sole goal of helping to keep the marriage going. I don't expect miracles by any means but whomever we do end up going to should have the goal of "saving the marriage". Now it's up to me and my wife to find someone with that mindset as there appear to be many who just try to counsel without really ever getting invested in the issue and only caring about getting paid.[/QUOTE]

 

BINGO! That's a goody!

 

She should pay the first $500 or so out of pocket!

 

Then you should pay the second out of pocket!

 

And then you will come to realistion that its a waste of time, effort, energy and money!

 

More later! I just pulled an all nighter at work and my brain is mush!

[carhill]

Usually folks in the medical business (doctors, nurses, PA's, etc) know psychologists. Get a referral from your primary physician or adjunct staff. Ask around.

 

We ended up getting a referral from a client of my exW's who is a clinical psychologist but obviously had a conflict of interest.

 

If it's 'too late', MC can clarify that and help save you money on the divorce. MC it a heck of a lot cheaper than voluminous hours with a divorce attorney. I paid both so I know. Good luck.

[coaches24]

Usually folks in the medical business (doctors, nurses, PA's, etc) know psychologists. Get a referral from your primary physician or adjunct staff. Ask around.

 

We ended up getting a referral from a client of my exW's who is a clinical psychologist but obviously had a conflict of interest.

 

If it's 'too late', MC can clarify that and help save you money on the divorce. MC it a heck of a lot cheaper than voluminous hours with a divorce attorney. I paid both so I know. Good luck.

 

Yea that's kind of what I'm thinking. I'm still at the stage where I want things to work but I don't feel confident that they can. But at the very least I want this to help smooth things over. I saw first hand as a kid how two parents who hate each other and can't even say hi to each other can effect the kids. I do not want my daughter to grow up knowing her parents hate each other and I don't want it to be hard for me not to bash her mother in front of her. But with the feelings I have now I know that I will have trouble keeping my feelings inside. Even if we can't save the marriage maybe we can get to a place where it becomes a mutual agreement and I can live my life and help raise my daughter without so much anger and hate inside so she can be a healthy happy little girl.

[coaches24]

And pray about it for God to guide you true it.

If you can after praying have a talk with a pastor.

 

If you dont know any you can contact one of those which i found in your area.

Sacramento Central Seventh-day Adventist Church > Visitor's Guide > Our Staff > Pastor Doug Batchelor

 

Thank you but I am not religious at all and neither is my wife so I don't feel that a church is an option for us.

[carhill]

If you're a cash client, you can negotiate the fee/establish an affordable payment plan.

 

Also, be aware that it is possible to find a psychologist who accepts Kaiser. Try googling "kaiser california psychological marriage counseling"

[TaraMaiden]

So my wife has agreed to try marriage counseling. Truthfully I feel it's too late (on her end more than mine) but I still want to do so because I know I cannot move on until I have tried everything to make things work.... .

 

You do understand that Counselling is not intended to keep you guys together, right?

 

That's not what counselling is for....

 

Actually the research I have been doing has taught me that a "good" marriage counselor will have the sole goal of helping to keep the marriage going....

 

Not so.

 

A Good Marriage Counsellor will have the complementary goal of helping you both to keep the marriage going - if that is your joint goal.

If it isn't, and the commitment is not equilateral, then there is little hope of salvaging something, if your wife is not cooperative.... She will merely feel rail-roaded and forced into an uncomfortable situation which will make her even more resistant...

 

These are extracts from your comments in your other thread:

 

....I want to go to marriage counseling and see if there is any way to save our marriage. She decided to try individual therapy instead and told me her therapist suggested a trial separation and also marriage counseling. I don't feel like she really wants to do marriage counseling but I am hoping she will at least try it.

Should I try and push marriage counseling?....

 

....I think she feels that her going to therapy is trying to make things work but to me it seems the only thing she has been willing to work on is herself. .

 

....I asked about how she felt when her therapist suggested marriage counseling and she told me the context of her therapist suggesting that was as a way to end things better.....

 

I feel the same way about marriage but if she doesn't feel that way there won't be much I can do. For now I will try but she has to be willing to try as well or it will all be for not. I can't force her to do marriage counseling or anything else to work on our marriage.

 

Is she as crazy about counselling as you are?

It doesn't sound like it.

There's already a resistance there.

So going to see a Counsellor whose 'sole goal will be to keep the marriage going' is not going to be something she's going to be open to....

 

She is going to feel coerced and it will not be a productive thing to do....

[coaches24]

Not so.

 

A Good Marriage Counsellor will have the complementary goal of helping you both to keep the marriage going - if that is your joint goal.

If it isn't, and the commitment is not equilateral, then there is little hope of salvaging something, if your wife is not cooperative.... She will merely feel rail-roaded and forced into an uncomfortable situation which will make her even more resistant...

 

These are extracts from your comments in your other thread:

.

 

 

Is she as crazy about counselling as you are?

It doesn't sound like it.

There's already a resistance there.

So going to see a Counsellor whose 'sole goal will be to keep the marriage going' is not going to be something she's going to be open to....

 

She is going to feel coerced and it will not be a productive thing to do....

 

ok. You apparently don't like marriage counseling I get it. Thank you for your opinion

[TaraMaiden]

I worked within a Relationships counselling organisation for 4 years and began training as one - training which was only interrupted by my family's move abroad, for my husband's job.

So, you're wrong, I am completely not against Marriage counselling at all

 

I am against people putting too much dependence on Counsellors to do something for them, when it's the people themselves who have to first of all, really want to be there, and secondly, do the work it entails.

 

From what you have been saying, it sounds as if your wife's heart isn't entirely behind the idea.

 

Where am I incorrect?

Edited May 11, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[coaches24]

I worked within a Relationships counselling organisation for 4 years and began training as one - training which was only interrupted by my family's move abroad, for my husband's job.

So, you're wrong, I am completely not against Marriage counselling at all

 

I am against people putting too much dependence on Counsellors to do something for them, when it's the people themselves who have to first of all, really want to be there, and secondly, do the work it entails.

 

From what you have been saying, it sounds as if your wife's heart isn't entirely behind the idea.

 

Where am I incorrect?

 

Well if you read my posts you will see that I also think it may be too late to save the marriage. But I am hoping they may be able to help us open up some lines of communication so that we aren't at each others throats. Esspecially with our daughter around. I respect your opinion I just don't feel it is helpful at all right now to argue with you over the use and effectiveness of marriage counseling. If you have advice on trying to find a good one then thank you. If not I not see the need to continue the conversation.

[TaraMaiden]

You're completely missing my point.

 

I just don't feel it is helpful at all right now to argue with you over the use and effectiveness of marriage counseling. If you have advice on trying to find a good one then thank you. If not I not see the need to continue the conversation.

 

I heartily recommend people avail themselves of counselling at every opportunity. It is both useful AND effective.

 

You could find the best and most recommended counsellor in the country.

Hell, you could go see Dr Phil and Oprah, if you feel they'd be the best.

 

The point you seem to be missing is this:

 

your wife HAS to be as willing, enthusiastic and eager As - YOU - ARE - to go through Marriage counselling, with a view to saving this marraige.

 

Unless you KNOW for SURE that she is like minded and as totally committed to saving this marriage as you are, even the best and most renowned counsellor on the planet will not be able to conduct sessions towards saving the marriage.

 

Your question is not "Can counselling save my marriage?"

 

The question only you can ascertain and answer, is

 

"Is my wife as dedicated as I am to seek counselling in the express aim to save the marriage?"

 

I have sat through, assisted with and contributed to hundreds of counselling sessions.

 

Do you honestly believe that every single couple I saw, consisted of BOTH partners equally committed and willing to be there?

 

We're not the people to be asking this.

What you must do is to put your wife on the spot and MAKE her respond to the above question.

 

Only then, will you be able to assess whether Counselling - to save the marriage - would be the most favourable option.

Edited May 12, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[coaches24]

Damn, Im not a complete moron and I know everything you have said and have never thought anything different. What I don't need or want is you continuing to say this crap over and over. I asked for help finding a counselor NOT for what it takes for a counselor to be helpful. PLEASE stop with this crap. I asked nicely before but you don't get it. You don't understand my reasoning as

much as you think you do. Leave this topic with me alone. I did not ask for, nor do I want your advice on this. I simply wanted help in finding a counselor in my area. Either you can help with that or you can't. So far you have done nothing but aggregate my situation. PLEASE STOP!

 

 

You're completely missing my point.

 

 

 

I heartily recommend people avail themselves of counselling at every opportunity. It is both useful AND effective.

 

You could find the best and most recommended counsellor in the country.

Hell, you could go see Dr Phil and Oprah, if you feel they'd be the best.

 

The point you seem to be missing is this:

 

your wife HAS to be as willing, enthusiastic and eager As - YOU - ARE - to go through Marriage counselling, with a view to saving this marraige.

 

Unless you KNOW for SURE that she is like minded and as totally committed to saving this marriage as you are, even the best and most renowned counsellor on the planet will not be able to conduct sessions towards saving the marriage.

 

Your question is not "Can counselling save my marriage?"

 

The question only you can ascertain and answer, is

 

"Is my wife as dedicated as I am to seek counselling in the express aim to save the marriage?"

 

I have sat through, assisted with and contributed to hundreds of counselling sessions.

 

Do you honestly believe that every single couple I saw, consisted of BOTH partners equally committed and willing to be there?

 

We're not the people to be asking this.

What you must do is to put your wife on the spot and MAKE her respond to the above question.

 

Only then, will you be able to assess whether Counselling - to save the marriage - would be the most favourable option.

[PoopHappens]

I agree with Tara on this one, if you're both really eager to succeed then the paperboy would likely be good enough.

[beatcuff]

i think you are missing what tara is saying. and maybe because it is being lost in the lengthy responses. short verison - not all MC are the same. what i think is a good one you may not.

 

you need to interview a couple and find one you both like.

 

some MC do the 'how does that make you feel' and let you do most of the talking others are in your face 'why would you say that'.

 

most provide conflicting paths.?. you go to MC to 'save' the marriage when they really get you to 'find yourself' and let you decide. and because most suppress their feelings when they come out it is usually shocking to the other spouse.

 

the reality is if both want to save the marriage ANY person is helpful. if one is not 100% then the best in world is useless.

 

BTW if you are doing this just to make yourself feel better about the split, stop wasting everyone's time and go to IC and work on yourself.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm sorry I made the OP angry; that definitely wasn't my intention; and as PoopHappens pointed out, succinctly and accurately: No amount of MC will do a blind bit of good, if the page isn't the same for both parties.

 

I understand the OP's distress and anger, really, I do.

But I believe his distress is rooted in desperation and grief.

Because I believe he knows his wife 'has left the building'.

And his 'resistance' to that is tragically palpable.

 

I haven't aggravated anything.

The aggravation is already there.

And distressing as it must be to hear it - this is a completely lost cause, if his wife will not play ball.

 

Sorry, coaches24. I meant no harm or distress.

[coaches24]

The aggravation comes from me having said that I think it's a list cause already but you keep rehashing the same thing like I shouldn't try anyway. I don't care how lost a cause it is I am going to try to the end. I don't need nor want to hear from anyone what I already know. I feel like you didn't read my posts and are pointing things out I already said in the first place like I don't get it. All I asked for was advice on finding a good mc. I get that can be different for different people but I have to start somewhere. I wasn't looking for people to point out how bad my situation is. I already know that. I made this thread for one reason and you have not helped that in any way.

 

I'm sorry I made the OP angry; that definitely wasn't my intention; and as PoopHappens pointed out, succinctly and accurately: No amount of MC will do a blind bit of good, if the page isn't the same for both parties.

 

I understand the OP's distress and anger, really, I do.

But I believe his distress is rooted in desperation and grief.

Because I believe he knows his wife 'has left the building'.

And his 'resistance' to that is tragically palpable.

 

I haven't aggravated anything.

The aggravation is already there.

And distressing as it must be to hear it - this is a completely lost cause, if his wife will not play ball.

 

Sorry, coaches24. I meant no harm or distress.

[TaraMaiden]

Well, fine.

In that case, beatcuff has it pat.

 

I really don't know what you expect from us.

This is a discussion forum.

 

We're trying to discuss things with you - and if anyone could wave a magic wand and give you the perfect MC for your situation, which would effect the result you wanted, we would.

 

We can't.

 

But We ARE concerned, and we DO want to help.

 

Stop being such a bloody grouch and accept the fact that people are devoting their time to try to help you.

[thomashome]

I think he wants some good referral, that it is if you know and can provide, that can help! Don't please argue with him. He said he knows his problem. Don't give advice what he didnt ask for. That is not respectful. He has very specific issue that he wants to find a good MC. Actually I am very interested in finding a good one to for an individual counseling