Suspected Emotional Affair

[JenniferLeigh]

Good evening.

I'm a first time poster. I never knew this site existed, and wish I never seeked it out.

My husband and I have been married for 6 1/2 years. We've always been best friends since we met. We have three kids together, including a 3 month old baby. On Tuesday the baby was very sick and was admitted to the hospital.

 

My husband met us there from work. When the nurses administered her IV I stepped out of the room because I don't like watching my kids being stuck with needles. I had my husbands phone, and his brother texted. I looked at his texts, and there was a girl texting him that day. I knew he sometimes gave this girl a lift to work. The texts that day started at 8, then 8:30. At 9 he hadn't answered her, so she wrote "U must be off work lol". Then at 10 he answered her back, and called her Babe. They texted each other about 8-10 more times, with her telling him she had a doctors appointment that day, and him asking if she needed a ride at 1. He works at 9AM everyday, so he had to leave work to go get her.

 

I've seen his texts about five times in the last month, and twice there were texts to and from her, and the other times there was nothing, meaning he erased them.

 

 

I have a gut feeling that there is a connection I would find inappropriate. He's married with kids, she is single. The company has 150+ employees, any of whom could take her to work. She can't drive because of DUIs (according to him). I don't like that he erases texts. Why do that unless you're hiding something? I really don't like him calling her Babe. At all.

 

 

I should mention he is home every night. He never goes out, neither do I. One of our kids has autism, so finding a sitter is impossible. So we are together when he is off work.

When I asked him, he said she's just a person at work. Says his dad (family business) asks him to pick her up. Said that "U must be off work lol" was because she knows he is never off on Tuesday. I took it to mean "Oh, you can't answer because your wife must be there".

 

 

Am I being paranoid? I know I still have hormones making my mind and body whacky, but my gut says something is up. Not sexual, but emotional.

 

Thanks for any advise, or criticism if I need it.

Edited May 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whichwayisup]

I think you should play it cool. And what I mean by that is, just watch him a bit, see how often he texts and uses his phone at home.

 

Here's an idea, why not tell him to invite her for dinner since it seems she's a friend of his. Nip this now - Let her see you two together as husband and wife, bring her into your home and you quietly just watch their dynamic, any secret looks, is she uncomfortable ..etc..ect..

 

Or, you could just tell him that you know he isn't physically cheating on you but you feel uncomfortable with how close emotionally he's become to her and it's inappropriate behaviour on his behalf and it has to stop. The cutesy nicknames, the flirting and the texting is too much and he isn't acting like a husband by befriending a single woman and being too close to her.

[Steen719]

Well, for my money, I would say something is not right:

 

• hiding texts by erasing them
  
• texting 8-10 times in a day
  
• He left work to go get her?
  
• And, finally, but certainly not least, he calls her babe?
  

Put a big old end to this and hope it has not gone further than this. It is more than inappropriate; it is the beginning of something rotten.

 

 

 

Best of luck to you.

[BetrayedH]

Who knows. Maybe. I don't put anything past anyone anymore.

 

I would more suspect a physical affair, though. EAs are common for long-distance, on-line affairs. Coworkers have close enough proximity to cross the physical boundary. My wife had a 13-month affair with her boss. She hardly ever stayed late to do it. They would leave to "lunch" together or both leave work for a "meeting" about twice a week (in hotel rooms). If he gives her rides to/from work and can leave his office to drive her somewhere, they have plenty of opportunity.

 

I would very quietly go into investigative mode. Say nothing. Play stupid. Give them rope. It's difficult not to confront him but when you do, they just lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more. They gaslight you into thinking that you're being "crazy" or stupid. And then they either put the affair on hold until your guard is down or they just take it further underground. Confronting accomplishes nothing but to show your cards. Instead, sit back and watch. Check his phone, phone/text records, internet history, and financial records. Consider investing in a voice activated recorder for his car (under the steering column or seat) or in a GPS unit (which is how I caught my wife).

 

Nobody likes snooping but look at it this way, If you investigate and find nothing then you both win.

 

Good luck.

[drifter777]

Where there's smoke there's fire and that phone sure had a lot of smoke in it. You could play it cool as others have suggested, but I think you should go the other way and really come down on him. Hard. If he's not already screwing her you might have a chance to nip this in the bud and put the fear of God (and you) into him. This is way, way inappropriate - especially the "Babe" thing - and you need to take a firm stand on this.

Edited May 11, 2013 by drifter777

[BryanP37]

I was able to confirm my wife's shenanigans using the AT&T Wireless and Uverse bills. I was lucky since our phones are on the same plan. The phone bill revealed far more calls and texts from the call logs. The Uverse bill revealed a second email account it revealed the most damaging evidence. It was simple to hack it as I was able to answer her security questions to reset the password. Also, if you have iPhones, the iCloud feature has "Find My iPhone". I was able to see the pattern of her meetups in the 2 weeks prior to confrontation and catch her there on confrontation day.

 

I wouldn't rule out a physical affair. The verbal banter suggests this may have taken a step beyond though maybe not to full blown sex. I discovered recently that may wife had been involved in a workplace affair over 5 years ago. When confronted on how she pulled it off, the answer was lunchtime, a stolen 30 minutes or so on the way home, a doctor appointment during the day. Looking for a medical claim for him when he says he has a doctor appointment and not finding one could alse be a clue. I've also read that some have used paycheck stubs to see if their SO has used time off during the workday you don't know about. Find ways to account for his time. Unfortunately, I know too much about this now from my own experience.

 

I would start the detective work and see what you can find. Mine assumed I was oblivious and played right into my hands. Best of luck to you. I hope you are able to head this off. Maybe all he needs is a good jolt to bring him back to his senses.

[JenniferLeigh]

If I could get I to his phone records, I would. He has a business phone and I have no way of doing it. His mom does, though, so I will likely ask her for help. The part that's bothering me is that he thinks I'm stupid. I'm not.

 

I was really hoping that the responses I got, especially from men on here, was that I'm being hormonal! I guess that thought process does make me a bit stupid.

[BetrayedH]

If I could get I to his phone records, I would. He has a business phone and I have no way of doing it. His mom does, though, so I will likely ask her for help. The part that's bothering me is that he thinks I'm stupid. I'm not.

 

I was really hoping that the responses I got, especially from men on here, was that I'm being hormonal! I guess that thought process does make me a bit stupid.

 

You're not stupid at all. You're supposed to be able to trust your spouse. If he's taken advantage of that trust, it's on him.

 

Look, it may be nothing. There are faithful men in the world. But most of us have learned to trust our gut. And sometimes you need to trust but verify. Do some investigating. My hope is that Drifter is right and that it hasn't gone too far yet. That said, I was with my wife for 19 years and got blindsided by her year-long affair.

 

I would check into things and if you find nothing, then it's time for a conversation about healthy boundaries for both of you to protect your marriage. Friendships of this kind are a risk. One fantastic book on this is, Not Just Friends.

[ComingInHot]

JenniferLeigh, ya, it's time to start your own recon on this Very Innapropriate relationship your H is having w/SOW.

 

Something to "add" to your research mission is to Forward the texts your H hasn't erased to Your phone then email. (Unless he's deleted them by the time you snag his phone again...)

Then download the phone logs etc to Your own email as well. It's one thing to find and read evidence of innapropriate behavior, it's another to confront off what you think you remember reading. Most cheating people will simply state, "you misunderstood" or "that's not exactly what I texted" or (my fav.), "I don't remember" because of course it's all so innocent. Blech

 

Once you have a clearer picture of what is happening and obtained hard prof, Then confront. When the above phrases begin spewing from H's lips, pull out each piece of documentation as the topics are addressed.

It'll be very telling how he reacts as he denies (if he does) then is presented w/each contrary piece of evidence.

 

Something to ask yourself, are YOU prepared to take a hard line w/him should evidence show either EA or PA? As in, telling him to pack his bags, get his checkbook out and your attorney will be in touch w/him?

If he thinks for one second you'll be an "easy forgive", the consequences may not be harsh enough for him to change his ways.

CIH*

[BryanP37]

If I could get I to his phone records, I would. He has a business phone and I have no way of doing it. His mom does, though, so I will likely ask her for help. The part that's bothering me is that he thinks I'm stupid. I'm not.

 

I was really hoping that the responses I got, especially from men on here, was that I'm being hormonal! I guess that thought process does make me a bit stupid.

 

I wouldn't say stupid. A little naive maybe, but you are awakening. Never doubt your instincts. Time for him to get a swift kick in the ass. This is something you should NOT have to worry about. From what little I've read, I would say it's time to put you're foot in it. If he calls anyone "Babe" it should be you.

 

Enlisting his mothers influence may be a big help. I would do it.